Steer Calmer elected as new Labour slogan

First Brexit, now CV-19. The UK has seen some very choppy waters in recent years. Now Labour wants to Steer the UK into Calmer seas. Labour’s new slogan promises to Make Politics Boring Again.

Steer Calmer is the phrase on everybody’s lips. No more floundering in the muddy waters of Lake Corbyn, no more desperate struggles to hitch the bandwagon to HMS Boris Johnson. Instead we are expecting oil to be poured onto the UK’s troubled waters.

This is a distinct change from the current Prime Minister In Hiding, whose instincts lead him not to pour oil on troubled waters, but to build a bridge over them instead.

This is the moment that lefty snowflakes have been waiting for. The Left may sometimes have better policies, but the Right usually has the better slogans. No slogan is better than a bad slogan, and Steer Calmer is not too bad as these things go.

A slogan in itself cannot create ventilators out of thin air, or bring harmony to international talks. But, by soothing the people and the economy, maybe the good old Magic Money Tree will be tempted to bear fruit.

Naturally, the world’s media all wanted to Zoom in on the slogan from the safety of their bedrooms. “Steer Calmer means Steer Calmer,” began the slogan, promisingly. Hundreds of eager hacks jabbed frantically at their bedside laptops. “It is an honour to be the new slogan of the Labour Party. New Labour, new slogan!” This was terrific stuff. Keyboards up and down the country were seeing action on a Saturday morning for the first time in decades. “My first priority is to preserve the NHS. And not by boiling it with sugar like my predecessor. I will un-jam the health service!”

The connection collapsed like the promise of free broadband, as every hack tried to ask a question at the same time. The virtual press conference was dead in the water.

Now there is only one thing for it. Get Boris Done.

Downing Street to “ramp up” mass testing for Blitz spirit

THIS IS FINE : DOWNING STREET HAS RESPONDED to criticism of its Covid-19 strategy by hiring in the spin doctors that did so much for the great British public in the Brexit and GE campaigns.

The first thing that any sensible country needs in a pandemic is coherent messaging in favour of the governing political elite. The British people can rest assured now that such complex chants as “Get Coronavirus Done!” will soon take the place of policy.

“But we’re doing more,” a Tory MP (who no one has ever heard of before) told LCD Views, “it’s my turn in the media spotlight today. Just for 24hours, that’s the average self life of a Tory MP sent out to dissemble and bullshit the pubic during the CV crisis. It’s like aerial combat in WW1 [Ed. It’s not].”

And one of the raft of new measures to hit the ground running and lie in front of the Covid-19 bulldozer is mass public testing. Just like Germany and South Korea, but more British.

“If you don’t know where the Blitz Spirit is how are you supposed to employ it to combat a virus?” the Tory MP asked, and looked very satisfied.

“Some silly countries aren’t using herd immunity, they’re actually mass testing to try and save lives. As if that’s the job of government?! You can’t save people who will die anyway one day, but you can plant yourself and your staff in front of the tax havens and say Thou Shall Not Pass!”

As part of the drive upwards of 100,000 people a day will soon be tested to see if they have the magic ingredient needed to combat the virus.

“If you have Blitz Spirit you’ll be given a roll of toilet paper and told you can go back to work,” the MP nodded, “the virus doesn’t stand a chance.”

Boris Johnson to write to all NHS staff thanking them for “taking one for the team”

Message to the front line: “I say, you fine young men and women at the sharp end of the NHS, you’re laying down your lives for England! Jolly good show! When the War On Coronavirus is won – and England WILL win – we will remember your sacrifice. Whew! Spiffing! Did I leave anything out?”

Not bad for a first draft, but it does lack references to Spitfires and the Blitz Spirit.

Boris Johnson is to write to everybody working in the NHS to thank them for dying of CV-19, so nobody else has to. The envelopes will be sealed by Johnson’s virusy fingers, and the stamps licked by his virusy tongue. Recipients are advised to wash the letters in soap and water for 20 seconds before opening.

The letter is being cobbled together by whichever people in Number Ten are still free of the virus and at least semi literate. Lacking the guidance of head honcho Dominic Cummings, the letter is rather freeform and stylistically inconsistent. So no change there.

Amidst the waffle and the non sequiturs rests the phrase “taking one for the team”. Rumours suggest that Johnson himself inserted this particularly offensive metaphor, thinking it amusing.

Cummings would not have permitted this. He keeps Johnson on a very tight leash, although occasionally random wiff waff does slip out. However, Cummings was last seen loping away from the Downing Street back door and straight into self isolation. Maybe Carrie Symonds was tired of being the third wheel in the relationship.

NHS staff are utterly delighted to be congratulated in this way. “I think it’s fantastic to get such high profile recognition!” gushed nurse Tori Plant. Her remarks were later discredited since she was discovered to be a Tory plant.

Most NHS employees would rather have some decent PPE, but then some people do like to whinge on about health and safety. They have already had a round of applause, what more do they want of us?

Meanwhile, the foot soldiers on the front line ponder the old lie: Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.

Mix up as Johnson sends two letters to every household – one arguing for CV19 and one against

Nothing to see here: it’s all going so well. Joined up, big government is the order of the day. Unfortunately we don’t have anything like that in this country. Boris Johnson is leaving the big decisions to individual householders.

This is a bold move. At a stroke, Johnson has avoided both responsibility and the need to do any work.

The message, when it arrives with a fresh FREE sample of coronavirus straight from 10 Downing Street, will contain not just one letter but two. One will argue the case in favour of CV19, and the other against.

LCD Views contacted the Prime Minister’s office, and the only available ‘source’ spoke to our My Indecision Is Final correspondent.

“Make this quick, I need another power nap,” purred the ‘source’, who turned out to be none other than Larry the Cat. “As the only inhabitant of Downing Street not infected with CV19, I’ve had a very busy day.”

Why the two letters, we wanted to know.

Larry slowly stretched out in the weak spring sunshine and yawned. “Got any cat treats?” he asked, finally.

Half a packet of Dreamies later, he was able to give us some insight.

“I don’t think the big blond human has a single thought in his scruffy head,” he miaowed. “Now that the other human has scarpered, you know, the bald psychopathic one… err…”

You mean Dominic Cummings?

“Yeah, that’s the one,” agreed Larry. “So, Scruffy doesn’t know what to think without Psycho whispering in his ear, and I think that he is trying to duck the issue while appearing to take decisive action.”

Johnson will have more splinters in his bum than Jeremy Corbyn!

“Who?” asked Larry.

The old, useless one who falls asleep on trains.

“Oh, yeah,” yawned Larry. “Shame he didn’t become PM, I was planning to crap on the bed every night if he won. Sort the podium for me, will you?”

And with that Larry strolled back into Number Ten.

The decision is yours. Herd immunity, or heard enough?

Government confirms reduced train services are overcrowded to keep a feeling of normality

WHATEVER IT TAKES : Downing Street has shed new light today on the measures being taken to combat CV19.

Following on from the Prime Minister’s impersonation of someone who gives a toss last night, a Downing Street ‘source’ has answered questions regarding overcrowding on train services in and out of London.

“These are key workers travelling to key work,” the source shrugged, “it’s key we keep them moving and we’ll do whatever it takes. Just today I read about a nurse who had to travel from Zone 4 to Zone 1 to work in a hospital. You don’t want her to feel all alone? Like the world is ending. Do you?”

But that’s precisely how people need to feel at the moment, surely? Especially on mass transport. In order to feel confident they’re being protected as they put themselves on the line for all of us.

“That’s why we’re running a much reduced service.”

But you’re turning train services into superspreaders? Potentially? Aren’t you? Especially now as the disease is growing at a frightening exponential.

By reducing the services available, people are jamming in together. It’s horrifying. What about running a normal time table and scaling it back to what’s required to provide both transport and social distancing in transit?

“You mean like think ahead and sensibly calibrate the service? Show a minimum of competence?”

Exactly. Phew.

“I’m not too sure about that,” the source scowled, “by running a reduced service for people, forcing them to jam in next to each other, by doing that we are keeping a feeling on the trains of business as usual.”

Boris Johnson – “no lockdown until I’m less popular than Coronavirus”

LAST MAN STANDING : Britons puzzled why their government is so reluctant to lockdown the country have received welcome explanation toady direct from the heart of government.

Speaking directly to LCD Views, and keeping a socially respectful distance (imaginary sources are excellent at social distancing), a Downing Street ‘source’ outlined the thinking.

“Well, clearly we’re still doing herd immunity as the Covid-19 policy. Just not officially. But until we legally impose restrictions it’s the policy by default. You know the one? Let it sweep through the population? Build up herd immunity to a virus from a class humans have never built up herd immunity to without a vaccine. That’s the policy.”

But surely we should look to the example of countries that didn’t have our advantage of time lag? What did they get right? What did they get wrong?

“Foreign chaps? What could foreign chaps possibly teach Britons about a virus? A blue passport and a commemorative Brexit 50p is all the protection you need against a killer cold.”

Is it your hope then that people who exploded out of London at the end of last week are carrying those special talismans with them?

“Yes. Covid-19 is now in all nooks and crannies of the UK. Excellent work. More than a few pensioners will die now. It’s very exciting, running your approach to a pandemic crisis in the same way we dealt with Brexit. Triangulate. Rumour. Counter rumour. Vague suggestions. Contradictory information. We’ll get Covid-19 delivered.”

But surely, given we’re two weeks behind Italy, and Italy is a scene of terrible humanitarian crisis, we need to lockdown now. We should have locked down with other countries did.

“Stop the party? No. No. Mr Johnson doesn’t want to be the stick in the mud that stops the music playing. That’s not his style. He wants to be loved. He wants to be popular.”

So the devastating mismanagement of Coronavirus is just Boris being Boris?

“Exciting isn’t it? Herd immunity. It’s still the policy. Just not officially.”

UK advised to learn lessons of WW2 and change shit prime minister for a good one at start of extended crisis

BLITZING THE UNAVOIDABLE SHITMINSTER : THE UNITED KINGDOM has received some much needed advice today from Reality, which stopped by to have a world.

“I see you’re in a crisis about the Coronavirus crisis,” Mr Reality stated, nodding soberly.

We are. Nice of you to stop by. What would you like to tell our audience?

“You’ve such a fetishisation in certain demographics of population and media for WW2. I’m surprised you are taking so long to work out one of the key lessons that the period offers. So far as early crisis management goes.”

Which is?

“When you’re entering an extended crisis, which is now inevitable due to the poor decisions of the current government, the first thing you need to ensure is new, sound leadership.”

We have a government.

“I didn’t say you didn’t have a government.”

It’s just that they don’t appear sound.

“They don’t, do they.”

So what should we do?

“What did they do in WW2? What did Neville Chamberlain do?”

He found his political support evaporating and he stood down. Winston Churchill took over as prime minister with cross party support.

“What should Boris Johnson do?”

Well, judging only by the Sunday papers he’s hanging Cummings out to dry.

“He should go with him. Then you lot should form a government of national unity, cross party, with a credible prime minister leading it. One with an attention span greater than a gnat’s.”

Then what?

“If you choose wisely, they’ll know what to do. But I’d start by listening to the WHO.”

Nerr, I’ve gone off them since Daltrey revealed himself as a kipper.

“The World Health Organisation, you wally.”

“Roger that.”

Roger who?

Roger that. Listen to the World Health Organisation and not Dom.

Dominic Cummings tells Coronavirus to “come back here and I’ll bite your legs off”

UNELECTED SPAD SPAFFS TIME ADVANTAGE AGAINST WALL OF FATE : Britain’s unelected prime minister, Dominic ‘out on his ear soon’ Cummings has used his client journalists to give Covid—19 a message.

“Come back here and I’ll bite your legs off!”

The message, which it’s assumed Covid-19 will ignore, follows on from a tussle between the unelected official and the new killer virus.

Till now it seems Mr Cummings has been deciding the UK’s pandemic strategy, to save Mr Johnson the effort. So boring, poor people dying in droves, just get on with it.

Just imagine that Great Britain, an unelected official has been governing Britain. The ironies and idiocies of Brexit, always a viral sickness in the body politic, now become real and fuelling a crisis.

How the mighty have allowed themselves to become fallen.

As to the tussle itself, first Coronavirus took Mr Cumming’s arms and then it took his legs, leaving the UK ‘armless in the face of pandemic crisis.

“It goes to show that you can’t run a pandemic crisis the way you’ve run Brexit,” our full time pandemic (new employee – although has been working freelance for some weeks) analyst comments.

“I’m not sure why Cummings is seen as such a genius? He got Brexit done because all the proven dodgy methods were useful to politicians, who were themselves amoral voids. So he was politically protected. This is not a genius, except I guess in the failed human field of taking advantage of people’s fears and lesser instincts.”

Get Cummings Done. Let’s get a competent administration that can manage the crisis. Emotionally retarded little boys grown into men are not going to do anything but lose their heads, and ours.

Brits advised “use toilet paper stockpiles as body wrappings to thwart zombies” during apocalypse

MUMMY’S GOT BODY ARMOUR : Downing Street is expected to release more advice today, via a “source”, on how people can cope in the apocalypse.

The wisdom of releasing major public policy announcements via anonymous briefings to client journalists in a time of national crisis, when people need clear leadership and clarity of instruction, is not under discussion here.

“While zombies themselves are not known to favour head to toe body wrappings,” the source acknowledged, in what we received as a surprising depth of knowledge in detail for this shambles, “they do however tend to ignore other undead specimens. For this reason disguising yourself as a mummy is recommended, should you have surplus toilet paper that you are unable to sell for a profit on the burgeoning black market.”

Other suggestions for toilet paper, apart from the obvious use as pasta substitutes, is to build “hoop style skirts by way of wrapping up home made twig and branch constructions – sticks as can be found in any back yard – to ensure social distancing, while remaining fashionably dressed in the home”.

But critics have been quick to point out that “while disguising oneself as a mummy may provide an initial protection” it won’t be long before the zombies smell the perspiration of the living human and attack.

“The toilet paper would have to be wrapped so densely so as to render movement slow, shuffling and uncoordinated.”

Other critics have hit back saying “that just adds to the defensive qualities of the disguise, by way of blending in better. And besides, in spite of portrayals in popular television shows and movies, zombies lack the jaw strength to bite through any toilet paper wrapping thicker than a few inches.”

This seems to be a point that will remain under contention, but LCD Views would advise that the best advice is just to stay home and build a fort from the rolls and play with the kids and pets.

“If everyone gets Coronavirus you don’t have to test” – rationale of Downing Street genius explained

NO SCORE CAN’T BE A HIGH SCORE : Much has been made in recent days of the perceived failure of leadership from Downing Street. In particular questions have been asked about the decision to stop large scale public testing for Covid-19 in the UK.

LCD Views has reacted to this with our usual insightful, investigative reflex and invented a Downing Street ‘source’ to explain the rationale behind the decision.

“We never started wide scale public testing to begin with,” our ‘source pushed back, in an interview with LCD Views’ ‘Testing Times’ correspondent, “so it’s a bit rum to criticise us for stopping something we didn’t start. We’re not South Korea.”

But how can you know the extent of the problem faced if you don’t attempt to find out?

“That’s not very patriotic of you. Why are you trying to turn this into a party political issue?”

I wasn’t. Although, given the underfunding and intentional deterioration to the scope and readiness of public services over the last decade, you can definitely, legitimately make this a party political issue. Neoliberal economic policies, combined with hard right, nationalist isolationism does not appear to make the UK best placed to confront Covid-19?

“We can’t be seen to be doing the same as the bloody continentals,” our ‘source’ scoffed, “it would undermine the will of the people.”

Most of them are closing their borders.

“See! Outrageous. They can’t do that as members of the EU. This is why we had to Brexit.”

To keep our borders open in a time of global, pandemic crisis, wherein controlling the flow of people will help control the transmission of the virus?

“Exactly. Anyway, we don’t have to close our borders as everyone is closing theirs for us. This way we look international and outward focused. It’s a complete PR triumph.”

[The source then coughed.]

Can we get back to testing for Covid-19. Have you been tested?

“That’s a private matter.”

Arguably it’s a matter of public interest.

[The source then began to sweat.]

“We aren’t testing, except to confirm that people who have passed away from Covid-19 have passed away from Covid-19. It’s all bloody obvious.”

But if you don’t test you don’t know the scale of the problem you are facing. How can you then best prepare to face the challenge?

“Denial of reality has worked to get Brexit. Mixed messaging, leaked briefings, favourite journalists, nudge the public the way you want, it’s a winning strategy. It will work with the virus.”

You’re not up to the task of managing this are you?

“We’re letting the public make the moves and then following. It puts us in the position of being leaders, will of the people and all that. You’ll see. We’ll be on top of this virus in no time. Soon everyone will have it.”

And then you don’t need to test for it?

“Precisely, and the money saved can be spent renting hospital beds off private health interests.”