Boris Johnson to visit all 27 EU capitals in “charm offensive” to bring back EU workers

SHORT TERM MEMORY : THE UK’S PUPPET PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, has announced today a bold new plan to ramp up inward migration from EU states to the UK. It appears the UK has a lot of capacity, but not a lot to fill it.

“I am going on tour!” Mr Johnson told the country via Zoom, “a. A. A. A charm offensive if you will! The Royal Brexitannia will sail from Dover and make land at the ancient English port of Calais,” a potentially shit faced Mr Johnson spluttered.

“Calais! A fitting place to land, for it was Churchill himself who gave the port to the Franks as a token of appreciation for the cheese wheel the good, earnest, Anglophile people of the Rhone valley gave to him.”

Here Mr Johnson paused to adjust his fly, ruffle his hair and remain pleasingly ignorant of the plum sauce stain on his tie.

“And when I say make land, I do not mean in the manner of the Ancient Greek hero, Landmasia, faced with the land eating monster Tidalmania, I mean in the manner of disembarking from a ship of the line! So I go not as an invader! I go to offer one hand in friendship, while I keep one with my fingers crossed firmly behind my perfidious back.”

The move is certainly a bold one and definitely offensive.

But is IT not a recognition of the pig headed stupidity of utilising US and UK dark money to fuel a right wing populist campaign of ethno-nationalism, war fetishization and ghastly xenophobia over years, just to get Mr Johnson into the premiership, and make feudally minded disaster capitalists a lot of money, at the expense of the entire country?

“I am not like the proverbial car chasing dog who finally catches the car,” Mr Johnson added, not even convincing himself anymore.

“I will make Britain great again! I should know how! I’ve done so very much to break it. If British people will not harvest British crops and wipe British bottoms, perhaps some eager foreign chaps maybe lured back to do it? And then Priti Patel can have the joy of throwing them all out again!”

From Covid Island with love – Boris Johnson is cummings. We suggest you place in quarantine. There is no need at all to attempt a timely return.

Boris Johnson to take direct control of Plague – other horsemen to look after themselves

FAMINE WILL DO AS FAMINE PLEASES : Prime Minister Dominic Johnson has used that august platform, The Daily Torygraph, to communicate his latest strategy to defeat Covid-19.

“We’re going to outwit the virus by befriending the virus,” he said, in another stunning display of out of the box thinking, “invite it into each and every home. Once it is comfortable, with its slippers on, then we will launch our attack!”

It seems a key plank in this masterplan is to take direct control of the busiest horsemen.

“To this end we will now take direct control of plague, disease, man flu or whatever you want to call it,” Prime Minister Boris Cummings continued, “we will take control back by losing control. We will award every contract to control, track, trace, isolate, quarantinate, and generally carpetbagate from Covid-19 to a raft of big name corporate chums. Not to those ridiculously unprofitable public health concerns that have specialities in tracing infectious diseases in their communities. One can hardly ride a horse if one blinkers it, blinds it and hobbles it! Cash. Horses run on mountains of cash.”

Quite what famine and war, and whatever the other horsemen is called, will do whilst Plague is getting the special treatment isn’t yet clear.

But we’re sure some media trained halfwit, promoted to the cabinet solely on the basis of an ability to be submissive and smash their moral compass, will be along soon to tell us in soundbites how they’re taking it.

Boris Dominic Johnson Cummings, taking control of fuck all, and by doing so riding a famous horse very well, thank you very much. Now line up and vote. Just turn your back if the MP next to you sneezes. It’ll be alright. Bit of pluck and Blitz spirit and Covid-19 will do exactly as the government wants it to. Achoooooo.

Downing Street confirm Dominic Cummings was name on ballot paper for Uxbridge GE2019, not Boris Johnson

READ THE FINE PRINT : 10 DOWNING STREET HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT THIS EVENING, VIA THE CLASSIC ‘SOURCE’, TO CLEAR UP CONFUSION REGARDING THE 2019 DECEMBER GENERAL ERECTION.

“Lately we have been receiving queries regarding the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in the December GE,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we can confirm it was not Boris Johnson, a popular misconception, but Dominic Cummings.”

The reason for the statement is believed to be the result of recent seismograph tests which revealed millions of barely conscious Tory voters bursting into spasms of activity, upon realising who is actually prime minister.

“People’s memories can cloud with time,” the source continued, “just like today. Already people are believing that Prime Minister Cummings’ PA, Boris Johnson, refused to let the science swots answer questions at today’s Covid-19 party political broadcast. This is not the case. Mr Johnson essentially hassled the reporters to ask the science swots questions, before giving up in exasperation and moving on.”

The clarification of historical fact will be welcome to millions of concerned voters, some of who maybe feeling like chumps.

“Everyone (who was paying attention) knew that the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip was Dominic Cummings. And whoever he works for. Best not ask about that. Boris Johnson was merely a brand name, or a slogan. He was never going to wield power, apart from the fact he couldn’t be bothered to do the work required for that.”

Whether or not non-party affiliated, spaffing SPAD Mr Cummings will appear on the next GE ballot paper isn’t yet clear.

“It depends whether or not we dispense with the façade of elections altogether. Which given the way we now have things stitched up, a hobbled parliament, a craven cabinet, a curious ownership of postal voting and constituency boundary changes to come, is not entirely certain we need anymore elections at all.”

Trust my judgement on Cummings, says man who hides in fridges

BELIEVE IN BETTER: Prime Minister (in name only), Boris Johnson, needs us all to believe in the Word of Dom. Trust my judgement, he pleads, I’ve never been wrong about anything before.

This is a man who does little set piece items to camera with an unendearing and embarrassing incompetence. This is a man who is so trustworthy that he leaves hordes of disappointed pregnant blonde fillies in his wake. This is a man who hid in a fridge to avoid having to answer a question.

So, should we trust his judgement?

“He’s a lying toad!” spat jilted lover Norma Sarse. “And that’s unfair to toads! He promised me a rose garden, he promised to leave his mistress for me, he said I had a terrific figure. Well that’s in the past, thanks to him. And now I’m lumbered with this blond brat who thinks I only exist to service his needs. I wouldn’t trust him to judge a knobbly knees competition!”

That’s a no, then.

But what can we do in these passive, isolated times? For those of us who aren’t Dominic Cummings, swanning up and down the country with impunity and covid. Lie back and think of England?

“That’s what got me into trouble in the first place!” grumbled Sarse. “He saw, he conquered, he came, and then he buggered off!”

To where, nobody seems to know. He is not to be seen in parliament, at the daily coronavirus briefings, or on TV reassuring a jumpy public. For a man who loves the limelight, he has been strangely invisible.

There can be only one explanation. We all know the government is comprised of brexity yes men, and that anyone showing intellect or compassion has been removed ruthlessly. Yet we are asked to take Cummings on trust.

What does Cummings know about Johnson that he doesn’t want to come out?

Dominic Cummings amends his blog to prove he created the world in six days

THE GOD COMPLEX: History, the saying goes, is written by the winners. In the case of “Classic” Dom Cummings, history is being rewritten to suit his Machiavellian plan to rule the world.

Hidden among his deranged ramblings is a post entitled Genesis: Selling England by the Pound. The very first paragraph reads thus:

“In the beginning Dom created the atmosphere and the political landscape. Now the landscape was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Blitz Spirit of Dom was hovering over the waters. And Dom said, let there be enlightenment, and there was enlightenment. Dom saw that it was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. Dom called the light “power”, and the darkness he called “work”. And there was evening and there was morning – the first of the Dom days.”

So it continues, the language and claims becoming ever more hyperbolic and unbelievable, until he reaches the sixth and final day:

“Then Dom said, “Let us make puppets in our own image, in our likeness.” He called the puppet Boris, which means ‘A lover not a fighter’. But for Boris no suitable helper could be found, so Dom took the puppet, and while he slept removed his conscience. Then Dom made an endless succession of busty blonde fillies from the conscience, and placed them with him in the Garden of Roses.”

The post continues, as Dom himself enters the story in the form of a serpent, and tempts them to eat the fruit from the Tree of Brexit. Boris and the blondes are kicked out of the Garden and told to go forth and multiply.

The final paragraph has been much altered. Originally it read, “And on the seventh day Dom took a well earned rest”. The revised version suggests that instead Dom undertook an exhausting journey up the A1 while unwell, in order to test whether he was too tired to drive.

UK’s entire prison population to be released – so long as they broke the law for their children

THE PARTY OF LAW AND ORDER : YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, those that play together, stay together and there’s no more important time to play with your family than while you are potentially carrying a highly infectious, lethal virus across the country.

And following on from the recent revelations that the UK’s actual prime minister, D Cummings, has broken the laws regarding Covid-19 on more than one occasion, the law itself is reacting to ensure families can stay united.

“There’s one important proviso,” a source inside 10 Downing Street said, “you can now break any law you want, and get away with it, in fact the Attorney General herself will defend you, but.”

But what?

“But you must have done so in the interests of your children.”

But how can you prove that?

“You can’t. It’s an internal decision. Well, you could provide messaging or diary entries I suppose to back up your claim, but evidence is rather irrelevant. Just make the claim. MAKE THE CLAIM and get away with it.”

The new legal avenue away from consequence will be welcomed by the many tens of thousands of prisoners inside UK prisons and those awaiting sentencing.

“We had to make the change otherwise we risk having a country where there is one law for rich, powerful people and one for the poor. We can not have that. It undermines the entire concept of rule of law, and just as importantly, public health messaging. Democracy itself is in danger.”

But there are some critics of the change, notably from the legal profession.

“That’s us out of business,” one lawyer said, “once everyone knows that in order to avoid prosecution you can simply say you did it for your children. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted. I guess I’ll find a new profession. It won’t be childcare, the country is now full of parents who will risk anything to care for their offspring, even killing the grandparents with a novel virus.”

And one more important change will also follow the new regime emanating from 10 Downing Street.

“From now on all new laws will be published in duplicate,” our Downing Street insider reveals, “one law for everyone else, and one law for Dominic Cummings.”

Vault discovered underneath London address containing spines removed from Tory MPs

A giant vault has been discovered underneath a London address which contains spines believed to have been removed from the United Kingdom’s governing Tory cabinet.

”Ever since Guy Fawkes attempted his little fireworks display we’ve been under orders to check all vaults and other big spaces under the Palace Of Westminster, 10 Downing Street and nearby properties each day,” a security insider told LCD Views.

It seems that during one such sweep yesterday a secret vault was discovered, by accident, that led to the fortitous discovery.

”I keep expecting to find that Victorian waxwork Rees-mogg somewhere with Farage and barrels of gunpowder,” the insider said, “but it was whilst chasing a rat that looked like Arron Banks chasing a much bigger rat that looked like a Russian man holding a bag containing thirty pieces of silver, that was when I found the vault under the townhouse.”

The security officer said he slipped rounding a corner and his torch flew from his hands.

”It landed with the light pointing at a little handle at floor level I’ve never seen before.”

Unlike the grimy surrounds the handle was shiny and had clearly seen recent and frequent use.

”There was a bit of gore around it. Blood and skin and the like. All the skin was very yellow. And there was a bobble hat nearby. I suspect whoever used the vault lost it.”

Undeterred by the gore the officer turned the handle.

”There was a sound like a giant millstone grinding away and then the floor beneath me slid back and I toppled in to this vault.”

He went on to say he didn’t fall far.

”For a heartbeat I believed I was a goner. But I only fell a few feet before I found myself on top of a giant subterranean mountain of spines. Only spines. You know, backbones.”

The officer was able to climb out and run for help.

”I did attempt to take one with me, but it just turned to dust at the slightest pressure.”

Whether or not police will be able to match the spines to their former owners is anyone’s guess.

”I suspect if you match yesterday’s tweets from serving cabinet ministers, and some other Tory MPs, to the spines, you will be able to see who is missing theirs. It’s a fairly straightforward process. I wouldn’t be surprised if the prime minister’s spine is in the pile.”

But who owns the property that sits over the vault?

“Some guy from Durham,” the officer shrugged, “I’m not allowed to say his name out loud or it summons him. Not that I see that as too much of a risk as he’s usually dancing to Abba in the garden of his parents’ place in Durham.”

PM advises public to “keep one criminally corrupted referendum away from democracy” when outside

DON’T TOUCH THIS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has sought to add further confusion to the public misunderstanding of measures he has advised to avoid catching Covid-19. Which shouldn’t be interrupted as his administration wanting you to catch it. Herd immunity was never, ever, definitely not the plan.

“He’s giving people analogies to use when out in public, or on a crowded bus,” an aide inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “we were all completely hammered when we thought them up. We do our best work trolleyed. Although some prefer to be high as kites. To each their own. But what you can not doubt is the clarity of the message.”

And clarity there is, in abundance, just like Covid-19.

“My favourite was that people should keep one ‘prone pole dancer’ away from one another in supermarket queues,” the source went on, “although Boris’s fridge one, to keep one fridge length apart from each other on buses, that’s also very special.”

But the new message that really has the cut through seems to be referencing the proven criminally corrupted IN/OUT referendum on EU membership in 2016.

“Be sure to keep one criminally corrupted referendum away from democracy when forcing your children back into school to catch CV-19. 1st of June we aim to release that one. Although we’ll probably have to do a u-turn. That’s the problem with having scant legitimacy and relying on the mob to rule. You fear the mob turning all the time. You’re much more malleable than many think.”

UK delighted to regain “sick man of Europe” accolade

This loyal thrall of Boris, this septic isle. This hearth of mediocrity, this seat of arses. This other Eton, demi-parasite. This fortress built by Neoliberalism for herself against inspection and the hand of peace.

This hapless breed of men, this little England, this putrid shit set in a septic tank, which serves it in the office of a wall, or as a tariff defensive to a trade deal. Against the ennui of more happier lands: this betrayal plot, this urchin, this rogue, this England.

This England, or “The UK” according to Dominic “throbbing vein” Raab, is revelling in regaining the title of The Sick Man Of Europe. Not since the decline during the 1970s and the admission into the fledgling EU has this been the case. To be, or not to be in the EU, that was the question: Whether ’twas nobler in the media to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous policy, or to take arms against a sea of remoaners, and by opposing end them.

We all know the answer to that.

Now, thanks to the coronavirus pandemic, the crown has been won again, over six months ahead of schedule. For in that sleep of death what covid may bring when we shuffle off this mortal coil, must give us pause – there’s the number of deaths we can get away with before declaring herd immunity a success.

In celebration, Send ‘Em Home Secretary Priti Patel has issued her new album, Greatest Hits: When Smirkey Sings. As well as classics like Smirk Gets In Your Face, Get It Done, and Smirk On The Watered-Down Fascism, is the hit single Ending Free Movement. This song is expected to gain the now traditional nul points at Eurovision.

We don’t need no education, cough the covid-suffering sick men of Britain, as we put another brick in the wall separating the UK from the 21st century.

And what will come of this England? The undiscover’d country, from whose borders no traveller returns? To die, to sleep, perchance to dream of past glories.

If we hold our line, covid-19 will blink first, says government

Herd insanity: We state our position, and covid-19 will be forced to make concessions, claim government sources. Let’s see who blinks first.

It’s the true bulldog spirit. Face the enemy square in the eye, and refuse to budge under any circumstances. It worked for Brexit: look at how many times the EU crumbled! It’s a long game. We will dig in, ignore health and safety regulations, and see who dies first.

Leading this refusal to take any kind of action at all is former Brexit Secretary David Davis. He spoke to LCD Views from his modest palace in Middle England.

“We hold all the cards,” he burbled, working his way through his third bottle of Chateau Maison d’Homme Anglais of the morning. “Covid-19 needs us more than we need it, so it will be desperate to bow down before our Imperial might.”

But infection and deaths in the UK are disastrous, especially when you compare with Germany.

“Yes, yes, exactly,” waffled Davis. “Too many deaths, and there won’t be anyone left to buy their cars! It’s in the German car manufacturers’ best interests to do a deal.”

And how do you deal with a virus?

“Oh, I’m sure somebody will come up with a technological solution sooner or later,” he burped casually. “Fishing rights are key. Eat more fish! British fish, with British chips, caught in British waters, using boats that went to Dunkirk! British bulldog, one, two, three!”

Then what happens?

“We wait for everything to fall into place,” be continued complacently. “Covid means covid, and we are going to make a Titanic success of it!”

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

“The best news is that we don’t have to do anything!” he concluded. “We wait for covid to blink first, and it will, there is absolutely no doubt. These tricky foreign buggers always do. Then we can stroll away into the sunlit uplands, never to be heard of again!”

David Davis, about to enjoy the obscurity he, and the country, so richly deserve.