Downing Street under pressure to stop using Chartwells U.K. to supply its cabinet ministers

AND FOR THE VEGETABLES : DOWNING STREET IS UNDER GROWING PRESSURE TODAY TO CANCEL ITS CONTRACT WITH CHARTWELLS U.K.

There has been constant speculation in the U.K., and globally, on the subject of governance in the United Kingdom, which has deteriorated readily since 2010.

“Why has the U.K. moved from a Parliamentary Democracy to a Kakistocracy? Well, now we know,” our politics expert declares.

The answer is evidently the MPs, cabinet and even the Prime Minister supplied by the major Tory Party donor.

But while school meal hampers look set to be improved by public exposure, it’s not clear the same impact will be felt by today’s revelation.

“It is a scandal,” our expert opines, “Chartwells U.K. are paid a sufficient sum per minister to supply a Marcus Rashford, or equivalent, and instead they are supply Hancocks, Raabs and Liz Truss. The public is clearly getting ripped off and the multi-national exploiting the taxpayer for profit.”

Whether or not the PM will how to pressure to cancel the contract and source his cabinet ministers from an actual pool of talent, isn’t clear though.

They supply the PM too, so I wouldn’t expect rapid change. He’s essentially the top end of a carrot, as evident from the hair. and it’s gone mouldy.”

Public warned to stay indoors as new mutant strain of Boris Johnson dithering worse yet

THE STRAIN OF JOHNSON : Testing times for Britons as scientists announce they have identified an even more severe strain of dithering at 10 Downing Street.

“We advise the public to stay indoors whenever possible,” lead researcher at the Institute for the Study of Kakistocracy told LCD Views, “this new mutant strain of prime ministerial dithering is even more infectious than the previous ones, and they were bad enough.”

Of course not everyone can take the precautions necessary to protect themselves against the mutant Johnson.

“If you work in the NHS we suggest you remember the claps of last spring and summer. It’s unlikely you’ll be offered anything else as the PM maybe too busy listening to his backers to worry about you. Except when he needs to play dress up in a medical setting.”

The more deadly dithering will also increase the risk for supermarket workers and public transport employees, as the enforcement of vital measures such as masks is not on the radar at Downing Street.

“If you have to of necessity be in lose contact with members of the public we advise you to hold your breath while on shift. It will do wonders for your ability to swim laps of pools underwater should the blessed day ever arrive that Brits can go overseas again.”

But one of the sectors most impacted by the dithering strain is of course education. Teachers were told to prepare for in class teaching and to additionally prepare mass testing regimes, and then abruptly told to do it all online.

“It’s okay. Eton is fine,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the rest of the children, the plebs? It’s really not that serious what happens to their education. You can tell that by Gavin Williamson being Education Secretary. I mean no one who cared about the sector would do that!”

There is one ray of hope though, as the vaccinations for CV-19 are currently being distributed.

“if you’re under 70 you should receive your vaccine before 2029. In the meantime just stay home and take comfort from the growing number of Union Jack flags behind the PM.”

Whether or not there will be a specific measure taken to deal with the dithering is down to the actions of the Tory Party. So everything is going to be just fine.

Boris Johnson to lead U.K. in rendition of “It’s a Lovely Day Tomorrow” from steps of Downing Street

LIVE FROM CLOWNING STREET : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to lead the UK in rejoicing at the passing of his world beating Brexit deal tonight.

At 8pm this evening he will emerge like a victorious Roman general, replete in toga, with his betrothed on his arm.

A specially adapted Spitfire x Harrier Jump Jet will hover over the famous address and relay the couple’s stirring rendition across the capital. It is thought that even Dylin the prop dog will join in to add a little bit of family comedic flair to the event.

“Big Ben will bong too,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “with Mark Francois, freshly out of hiding, hitting his head against the famous bell. The sounds of the echoes inside his head will reverberate patriotically in time with the song.”

The choosing of a Vera Lynn song to mark the UK’s triumphant passage of its entirely symbolic legal hurdle is thought to be a fitting tune, given how closely associated all those who fought in WW2 have made themselves to Brexit.

“After the rendition the Prime Minister will lead a procession to the House of Parliament and take his place in the new throne that has been installed where the Speaker’s Chair used to be.”

But the cameras will pan away and fade to black at this moment, so Mr Johnson can have a private moment to laugh at all the MPs who turned up today to provide legitimacy for a world beating act of democratic vandalism.

“Remember, Boris Johnson always promises you a lovely day tomorrow,” the aide winked, “even why he’s trashing everything you hold dear today.”

Boris Johnson rejects COBRA advice that he attempts to govern the UK sober

DON’T PANIC : THE UK IS FACING ITS WORST CRISIS SINCE ELECTING BORIS JOHNSON PRIME MINISTER, WIDELY RECOGNISED AS A DISASTER IN ITSELF, BUT NEVER FEAR, COBRA IS HERE.

Shortly before 6am this morning the contingencies committee that deals with national emergencies was convened. It was joined by the Prime Minister, who forgo sleep to finish off that fourth bottle of Chateau Margaux 1996 and see what all the fuss was about.

“We are facing an unprecedented national crisis,” chair of Cobra, Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, opened the meeting, “it appears the French can understand English. And if we shout for days that we have a mutant strain of Covid and that’s it for Christmas, it will cause a reaction in Europe which could affect travel and trade. Total curve ball.”

The revelation that what is said in the British press can be understood across the Channel is thought to be a serious crisis, given that no patriotic Englishman bothers to learn French. Or any other inferior, foreign language these days.

“Perhaps if we talk more quietly?” Matt Hancock is believed to have whispered.

“We need to go back to talking in Ancient Greek,” the prime minister is believed to have suggested, before farting and falling asleep. Sleeping the rest of the meeting away, occasionally mentioning the names of former mistresses in his sleep.

This was the key point in the meeting and neatly displayed the PM’s genius at leadership.

“He handed us the answer and let us work it out for ourselves,” Dan later told LCD Views, “simply genius. Although whether or not our recommendation that he attempts to govern sober will be taken up is anyone’s guess. He’s still asleep.”

VACKIRK : Johnson confirms “flotilla of small boats” will bring CV-19 vaccine to Dover from France

HE COULDN’T HELP HIMSELF IF HE TRIED : MODERN DAY SHITE CHURCHILL STRAINED TEABAG BORIS JOHNSON has spoken to the HOUSE OF COMMONS today to outline plans to bring the Covid-19 vaccine to the UK in 2021, after its successful production in Germany and the Netherlands.

“It will be a MIRACLE OF DELIVERANCE,” the outgoing Prime Minister told a sparsely populated Commons VIA A VIDEO LINK BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN HE’S ISOLATED, “thousands of BRITISH CRAFT will ferry vaccines to Dover. Sometimes one at a time, sometimes in pairs, sometimes in threes, why, occasionally like Hercules, sometimes in fours.”

The plan to use the small boats draws on the WW2 evacuation of British troops, and it is believed it is the best way to terrify the virus.

“By reminding Covid-19 of our HEROIC DEEDS at Dunkirk it will know that it’s time is numbered. But while we wait for the MIRACLE we will not flag or fail. We will continue to fight Covid-19 on our beaches by having half baked, tier system lockdowns. To fight it for months in our pubs and restaurants, and in our supermarkets and friend’s houses. Only by refusing a proper lockdown can we keep Covid-19 on the back foot until we can claim the PR SUCCESS of sudden DELIVERANCE. And perhaps some friends may receive lucrative contracts for the vaccine roll out.”

But critics of the plan to use the small boats have queried if there will be a way to determine they have the right fridge specification on board to safely ferry the vaccines. And what will happen when the vaccines arrive at Dover? If Kent is suffering log jam waiting for the Brexit portaloos to be installed on motorways.

At this point the prime minister was at his most motivational.

“If there are any issues with internal movement in Kent then MATT HANCOCK will be ready to take off his Clark Kent spectacles and leap into the nearest toilet booth and emerge with his cloak flowing as the supercharged champion of vaccine delivery!”

What could possibly fail?

Nigel Farage dumps a bucket of dead fish into the Potomac

GIVE A MAN A FISH and he will throw it back into the river. Teach a man to fish for publicity, and he will repeat the same stunt, over and over again.

Fisherman Farage famously flung fish into the Thames to make a point. Infamously, Farage cares so much about fish and fisheries that he actually attended one out of hundreds of Fisheries Committee meetings held during his tenure as an MEP.

Now the global rentagobshite has nailed his colours to Donald Trump’s fake-tanned mast. So he has recruited his former fishy friend Kate Hoey to throw American fish into the Potomac River to boost Trump’s re-election bid.

The trumping twosome commandeered a river boat and set off to make their lone protest, with only a hundred news teams in attendance. Hoey was resplendent in fishnet stockings and sou’wester, while Farage rolled up his trouser leg to reveal that he, too, was wearing fishnets.

As Hoey’s ermine joined Farage’s old man tie in fluttering on the breeze, the piscatorial potatriots searched for the bucket of fish. They eventually found it, buried under a mound of discarded fag ends.

“Right, chaps, have you got this?” foghorned the frog-faced fish fancier. The American news men, amused by the English idiom (idiot?), focussed their cameras.

“I say! On a count of three, I’ll give it the old heave-ho,” Farage continued, to muffled sniggers. “One, two, three, and away!”

A hundred shutters clicked, and plenty of phones captured the act for that low-fi street recording vibe.

A sad cascade of unwanted fish hit the water, as the not very merry crew wondered how the hell to get off the Codforsaken boat and into the nearest bar.

Classic Dom may throw dead cats on to the table. Fishy Farage throws dead fish on to the water, then drifts aimlessly, the media men having long departed, in an apt metaphor for his entire career.

Farage is, of course, just a prawn in a much bigger game.

England begins second lockdown because Johnson didn’t have the balls to fire Dominic Cummings in May

BAD CHURCHILL IMPERSONATORS GONNA BADLY IMPERSONATE : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, BORIS ‘AL TO HIS FRIENDS’ JOHNSON, has led the country through thin and thinner already in his time in office.

“Well, it’s not accurate to accuse him of being in office,” a 10 Downing Street insider claims, “as that implies work. And Boris didn’t sign up for that.”

But whether or not he is working while in office is not up for dispute, the wisdom of a second English lockdown is. Especially by idiots in the Tory party.

“We didn’t have much choice in that,” the insider says, “I blame the last Labour government. If they hadn’t devolved certain powers to the colonies, such as health and safety, then we wouldn’t be having the lockdown. Now we have to or we get shown up by the Welsh. Oh, and Scotland.”

And not being shown up by subject provinces is key in the decisions being taken by the Johnson government.

“If they have no one dying and we have thousands dying, people may begin to ask questions of Boris Johnson’s leadership. And I don’t just mean in the way that PPE contracts are dished out to mates, or the failing track and trace system.”

While comparisons to lesser nations have to be avoided, if unfavourable, there is one other major reason England now has to go into lockdown again.

“Dominic Cummings,” the insider shrugs, “there’s a reason the government keeps blaming the public. They’ve lost disciple in England. Right about the 25th of May when Cummings held his press conference in the Rose Garden to laugh at the nation.”

Get ready! Be prepared! says government changing the rules every week at the last minute

HANDS, FACE, SPACE, AND BOOMPSY-DAISY: The latest guidance for businesses facing the Brexit cliff edge has been published. Like all previous guidance, the paper it is written on is worth rather more.

LCD Views’ Purple Prose Condenser has been hard at work, and has distilled the prolix document into readable form. In essence, the guidance states, Get Ready! Be Prepared! And Stay Alert!

Of course, a rather more honest evaluation of the guidance was supplied by none other than Crime Minister (In Name Only) Boris Johnson. In his former guise as Secretary of State for Insulting Foreigners, an exasperated Johnson lost his cool when some lackey dared to ask him a searching question. “F@#k business!” was the, for once, honest retort. He won, we lost, so we will have to suck it up, while he f@#ks it up.

The business community, and to be honest, the rest of us as well, have been hoping for clarity. But it’s difficult to Get Ready For Brexit when nobody knows what Brexit means, least of all those in charge of delivering it. Or at least, they do probably know, but daren’t tell the rest of us because it’s going to be catastrophic.

Meanwhile The Rules are changing faster than the Great British Weather. To lockdown, or not to lockdown, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous coronavirus, or to take arms against a sea of naysayers? And as for Brexit, well the UK’s world beating negotiators are still quibbling over fishing rights and refusing to engage until they get their own way.

So nobody knows. F@#ked businesses will have to respond instantly to demands that should have been made clear years ago.

In conclusion, this is what to do. Stock up on baked beans, toilet roll, and candles. It’s going to be a long, dark, winter.

Downing Street announces 2am to 2:15am curfew to crush second Covid wave

IT DOESN’T TAKE A SUPERFORECASTER : DOWNING STREET is high in the international league tables for CV-19 response and with the brains trust firmly in command it is looking to stay there.

“We are looking to ramp up our world beating reputation. This will coincide with the totally unprecedented second wave, which no one forecast when we reopened the entire country at once. As the wave breaks across this green and pleasant, concreted land we will keep our place internationally,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and to ensure that only care homes, and not the NHS, are overwhelmed, we are bringing in new measures to slow the spread and control the virus.”

The new measures will involve restrictions that have not yet been employed in the UK, as so far the Dido Harding Serco Test and Trace system has kept the UK virtually free of Coronavirus. And all at a steal.

“For the first time we will bring in a curfew which will put paid to the gloomsayers who query if we are doing everything we can to keep pubs open just to stop Tim Martin phoning Johnson up at midnight and boring him to tears for hours.”

The curfew will be specifically targeted to hit Covid-19 at the time of its peak activity, as determined by Dominic Cummings’ understanding of the virus, as viewed from a perspective of Sun Tzu.

“2am to 2:15am is when the virus really lets rip. Well not in Global Britain. Not today. Or tonight,” the source adds, “every minute is vital in the fight against this invisible mugger loose on our streets again. But with the 15min circuit breaker, which will be in force from the 31st of November this year, we will send Covid-19 packing!”

*curfew does not apply to Barnard Castle. Any of Robert Jenrick’s homes. Wherever Stanley Johnson happens to be. And anywhere where Boris Johnson is cosplaying as a pleb.

Government to turn The North into a lorry park

IT’S GRIM OOP NORTH: The North’s attempt to acquire public funds for Tier 3 compensation has backfired. This attempt to apply taxpayers’ money for the benefit of taxpayers has enraged a government intent on embezzling it. In retaliation, The North will become one great big lorry park.

This will solve a number of knotty problems. Troublesome Manchester will finally be obliterated, there will be plenty of parking while goods await movement through ports like Liverpool, Hull and Newcastle, and nobody will ever have to eat black pudding again.

This will also benefit Scotland, as The North will form a concrete border with England, and make it that much easier for them to rejoin the EU.

It will also create jobs for all the northerners, who, sadly, will have to make way. Still, a bad job is better than no job, and the government will spend many millions on a campaign informing the hordes of the great unwashed, homeless, flat ‘at, flat vowels brigade, just how lucky they are.

The great cities and the stunning northern countryside will be flattened, and covered with layer upon layer of cheap concrete. That’s what levelling up means.

The motorways will still exist. When a consignment of avocados finally gets through the mountains of customs forms, transit permits, and blue passport controls, there will be no time to lose. Avocado Priority Lanes on the M1 and M6 will ensure that the delicacies will arrive in London by lunchtime, ready to be smashed by trendy hipsters.

Nobody will mention that the avocados will by then have ripened, matured, passed their sell-by date, and rotted away, while stuck in a lorry, waiting for world beating frictionless trade to be invented.

No downsides, just a considerable upside. Trade will still happen. London will still be ok. And nobody will ever have to put up with a northern accent again.