Downing Street confirms it is waiting for Marcus Rashford to act before U-turn on grades

A STAR TURN : A DROWNING STREET source has confirmed today the preconditions for a U-turn on the A Level grading fiasco.

“We’re waiting for significant public disgust to show up in our private polling and focus group studies,” the source told LCD Views.

“We only care about our own survival. About clinging onto power to transfer the wealth of the state into the offshore bank accounts of our mates. It’s all pretty straightforward. Make us nervous about our hold on the reigns and we’ll flip. This is across the board. It’s your not so secret weapon.”

And the possibility of a flip on the grading is likely?

”Yes. We’ve detonated a dirty bomb across the whole electorate, regardless of how you voted. It really is impressive. Of course if we don’t do a U turn it means you’ve collectively given us the green light to carry on treating you all with total contempt. So make your choice.”

But aren’t you concerned about alienating an entire generation who are just hitting voting age in England? How do you think they’ll vote at the next election?

“What election? If Trump is able to steal the upcoming US election than there won’t be free voting here either.”

Still, there’s the possibility of survivor’s guilt among the youth who have benefited from the biased algorithm. Aren’t you concerned you could turn some of your target demographic off? How will that impact you at the next election?

“I refer you to my previous answer.”

Finally, what do you see as the potential tipping point with this crisis? The moment you would nudge signals you can’t just ride it out and must do an about face?

“Marcus Rashford. If he gets involved we’re toast.”

Gavin “Peter principle” Williamson fears generation of students failing upwards like he did

CONSCIOUS BIAS : THE UK’S EDUCATION SECRETARY, GAVIN “I WAS FIRED FOR LEAKING CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND REHIRED” WILLIAMSON has spoken of his fears for the current generation of students. His concerns come on the back of the A level result fiasco in England, which he could “see coming from a thousand miles away”, but did nothing to prevent.

“Can you imagine it?” Williamson told shocked students today, attending an A* Grade Party at the Department for Education. “If we don’t do something to get this right, there could be millions more just like me? I am terrified for the future of the country. Our institutions are ancient and deep rooted, but even they can only absorb so much of our toxic incompetence.”

How the Education Secretary stumbled upon the degree of self awareness required to make the comments isn’t yet clear (we’re presuming it’s because we’ve imagined him for the purpose of this article), but what is clear is the fury of parents and students alike.

Still, Williamson has at least finding support within the ranks of his own party.

“Dashing the hopes of the young is what we set out to achieve,” Jack Smart, Tory MP for Cleverly, told LCD Views, “inflated statistics are for the employment figures, not for the purposes of university entrance. Imagine if we’d let teachers decide the grades, based on their actual personal knowledge of the students and concern for their welfare? Total catastrophe. Who will pick the fruit at the end of the Brexit transition period? We’ll all starve. Essentially you should be thanking Williamson for ensuring we all stay fed.”

And there’s another added benefit to allowing an algorithm to take over this year. And it’s not a sober re-evaluation and the decision to not introduce an overhaul of a vital system in a period of unprecedented disruption, and without running it parallel to the existing system for some years first, in order to effectively calibrate it.

“Dom will have to fix this algorithm now,” the MP noted, “it’ll cost millions. He’s identified a mate who isn’t yet a millionaire. Get grading done! By this time next year we’ll all be millionaires, unless you’re a school leaver in 2020. You’ll be serving millionaires forever, which is only right and proper.”

Boris Johnson in deepest holiday since records of Boris Johnson’s holidays began

JUST BORIS BEING BORIS : OFFICIAL CONFIRMATION TODAY that Boris Johnson’s premiership can not be in crisis, in spite of some clearly unpatriotic headlines.

“He’s proven himself to be world beating,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Leaders, like that show off in New Zealand, are almost hyperactive in the face of a minor setback. But not Boris. You can’t ruffle his feathers. And it’s not because, in spite of carefully crafted appearances, they appear pre-ruffled.”

And it’s certain that the United Kingdom will take great reassurance in knowing that nothing can stop a Boris Johnson holiday. Not even the worst economic downturn on record, on the back of the Covid-19 crisis and with no deal agreed yet with the EU.

“If you can keep your holiday itinerary while all about you [in government] aren’t cancelling theirs either, it shows you’re made of the right stuff to lead. Besides, nothing can stop a parliamentary recess. It’s the most stubborn force on Earth. It would be a really rum show if Mr Johnson stayed in Downing Street while half his cabinet are exporting proper British Covid-19 to the continent.”

But some have suggested that Mr Johnson should at least appear to give a toss? Especially as millions look set to abruptly become unemployed, in part because of the unwillingness to lockdown the U.K. economy just to stop some of the economically inactive from dying.

“Why? Dominic Cummings isn’t on holiday. So what are you moaning and gloomsaying for? He’ll have the right slogan for the recession released any day now. You’ll see. With a bit of Blitz spirit we’ll rebound. If only off the back of PPE contracts.”

Presumably the slogan will be ‘Get Recession Done”. That will take care of it.

“Actually it’s more likely to be ‘Take it on the chin’ again. More apt. Under us the entire country is getting chinned.”

People crossing Channel in small boats nothing to do with the Dunkirk Spirit, says Churchill fan

ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT: Crossing the English Channel in a little boat is risky, dangerous and illegal. This is according to the alleged Prime Minister, invoking the heroic Dunkirk evacuation, which involved the same risky, dangerous and illegal crossing.

There is one big difference. Dunkirk was a rescue of Our Boys by Plucky Brits. Today, the victims of war are rescuing themselves.

The filibustering foreigner foghorn Farage fought fearlessly to force this farce onto the front pages. Funnily, after weeks of whining and whinging, Fleet Street has finally realised there’s a funny foreigners story to milk and milk.

Not only that, but the fear of Farage forced the government into full dead cat mode. Priti Patel has been seen in full battle dress in Dover, “co-ordinating” efforts. The rhetoric, if not the rescue effort, has been ramped up. There are even rumours that the RAF has been obliged to scramble a warplane to join the struggle.

Now Boris Johnson has got involved. “We will fight them on the beaches,” he quipped as he set off for a fortnight’s hard boffing in a secret location in Scotland. “Never in the history of human endeavour has… well, you know the quote, same thing, smash the Hun, bang bang you’re dead, jolly good show old boy!”

Churchillian indeed. But surely the poor souls risking their lives to cross the Channel in inflatable dinghies are displaying the true Dunkirk Spirit?

“Well yes, I mean no, well it doesn’t matter either way,” blithered Johnson. “It’s about being British and seizing defeat from the jaws of victory, or vice versa, de facto, cul-de-sac. Bottom line, these chappies are simply too foreign to be British, and that’s what Taking Back Control is all about. Veni vidi vici!”

Meanwhile there’s a deadly virus killing people, the government is siphoning off public cash in full view, and there is nobody at the wheel of the speeding big red Brexit bus. But hey, foreigners.

Bear baiting returns to England as Johnson seeks viral distraction

A VERY BRITISH MORAL DEGRADATION : THE BBC is to join forces with Downing Street in the attempt to bring bread and circuses to an increasingly restless population.

“The new initiative is timed to coincide with the winding down of the Covid-19 furlough scheme,” a Beeb executive, talking from his desk in the Cabinet Office, told LCD Views.

“A Very British Bear Baiting will be a fly on the wall show which celebrates the return of bear baiting to the capital after centuries. People will be able to identify with a cast of real characters as they battle to survive in the bear pit. Not everyone will make it. But viewers can be guaranteed of maximum spectacle. And perhaps, while they enjoy their popcorn* they will forget about:

  1. The mismanagement of Covid-19 and how it led to tens of thousands of unnecessary and avoidable early deaths, under a pseudo-science ‘herd immunity’ strategy said to have been favoured by Dominic Cummings.
  2. The Tory MP alleged rape scandal and the inaction of party authorities who knew about the accusations directly from the victim, and appear to have done nothing.
  3. What appears to be billions in fraud on the back of bogus PPE scandals.
  4. The failure to prepare for the end of the Brexit transition period, and the looming devastation that will occur as the Brexiters’ lies fully slam into the country at last.
  5. The fact the UK is now governed by a tyrannical, unelected bureaucrat.
  6. The fact FPTP is clearly no longer fit for purpose, but it suits the needs of a corrupt ruling elite to perpetuate it as they milk the land dry and stuff its wealth into tax havens.
  7. The Intelligence and Security Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy – and what that says about the potential compromising of elected representatives, and that a series of elections, and the Brexit referendum, were meddled in and unsafe.
  8. The various scandals that Boris Johnson is involved in, and how they always end up in the long grass.
  9. The attempt to bully teachers back into schools in full awareness it will kill some of them, just like NHS and social care workers were killed, unless the Covid-19 virus is actually, finally, properly managed by central government and not used as a haymaker by disaster capitalists.
  10. Whether or not Boris Johnson will take up golf while on holiday in Scotland.
  11. The cronyism in the House of Lords.
  12. The numbers 13-1000 in this list.

So be ready to back your bear as it fights to survive! And remember! It’s very dangerous! And if that doesn’t work to take your mind off the list of vicious incompetence, some complete and utter prat will use your licence fee to narrate the struggle to survive of human beings in the English Channel, so racists and feel all warm and snugly.

Global Britain – is it the best we can be?

*supplies of popcorn expected to be exhausted early in 2021.

Liam Fox’s gmail password revealed to be “password”

FOX IN THE BLACK BOX: Leaky Liam Fox has his email account hacked. Using world beating cybercrime techniques, the Russian boffins eventually cracked his account by employing the password “password”.

It’s a shock to realise that a man so out of touch with the ordinary people actually uses gmail like the rest of us. It’s traditionally seen as a less secure version of the standard Westminster communication conduit of messenger boys on bicycles, who bear messages engraved upon the finest vellum using goose quill pens.

The hackers discovered a treasure trove of information. Secret plans to destroy the economy. Underhand methods of transferring the NHS into private hands. Billets doux to Adam Werrity.

We all know what happened next. The documents came into the hands of Jeremy Corbyn. This meant that nobody believed that the documents were real, and also that Corbyn could be blamed for the leaks.

“Cyber security has been ramped up considerably since the Russian invasion,” remarked snubbed Intelligence and Security Committee chairman-elect, Chris Grayling. “Every account now has an uncrackable password!”

And what is this amazing new password?

“password1,” replied Grayling smugly. “They’ll never guess that one!”

In the interests of balance, LCD Views spoke to an actual expert from an actual internet safety company.

“It’s traditional to leak this kind of material,” explained the expert, Ethan Ette-Cable. “It’s the most passive aggressive way to reveal secrets without being seen to be doing it. Using an insecure webmail address is the modern equivalent of leaving the documents on a train.”

And how easy is it for the ordinary hacker to crack into gmail?

“Basically any smart eight year old with an internet connection could do it,” said Ette-Cable. “But using ‘password’ as your password is basically bloody stupid, and an open invitation to pop in and have a look.”

It’s like hunting for treasure!

“Yes, it’s very addictive, although usually all you find is communications about someone’s supermarket delivery time,” sneered Ette-Cable. “Occasionally though you find gems like the nuclear codes or Donald Trump’s personal phone number.”

Liam Fox is hoping to lead the WTO. The logical response is WTF?!

Our mixed messaging has been entirely consistent, claims Matt Hancock

DOUBLING DOWN, AND UP: Let us be entirely clear. Matt Hancock claims that the messages from the government have been consistent, despite being changed on a daily basis.

Little Matt Hancock, who has had to learn the art of being completely two faced while the public watched his transformation, was keen to defend official guidance.

“Hands, Face, Space has always been the message,” said an exhausted Hancock. “It has never changed and never will. It means the same as Check, Change, Go, and if you think about it, it’s the same as Brexit Means Brexit.”

Hang on. The only consistent thing there is that each slogan has three words.

“Stay Alert was only two words,” replied Hancock pompously. “Stay Home, Stay Safe, Get Brexit Done, Eat More Chips. The underlying message is the same!”

In that case, could you explain the underlying message, because quite frankly the public are confused.

“There is no confusion!” exclaimed Hancock, now desperately looking for a way out. “Protect The NHS. Track And Trace. Stand And Deliver. We are all in this together, and the same rules apply to everyone!”

Which is fine, until you recall that “Classic” Dom Cummings broke lockdown and was defended to the hilt. The government sacrificed its authority to save Cummings’ skin.

“That was a special case!” stammered Little Matt. “Control The Virus. We Don’t Know. Give Us Your Fokkin Money!”

Nature abhors a vacuum. So into the confusion and ambiguity created by meaningless empty slogans designed to conceal a complete lack of policy, rushes the Great British Public. A public that has no faith in the government and uses its British Common Sense to justify not being sensible.

“If the public wish to get infected with covid-19, then I won’t interfere with the Will Of The People,” concluded Hancock, finally finding the loophole he was looking for. “Herd Immunity, We Don’t Care, It’s YOUR Fault!”

Blame The Public. Collect The Money. Wash Your Hands.

Boris Johnson celebrates Dominic Cummings’ first year in office

BY THEIR WORKS WILL THEY BE KNOWN : The masters’ puppet, Boris Johnson, has made a video to celebrate the puppet masters first year in the office of Prime Minister.

“Whaaa whaaa where do I start?” the fading blonde, limb stringed automaton started, answering his own question.

“Shall I start with the illegal Prorogation of Parliament? A real humdinger! Can you imagine a prime minister staying in office in an earlier epoch? If he’d lied to Her Majesty? Even a PM as clever as old Cummings/lliot/Trump/Koch/Mercer/Putin!”

No. Their party would have thrown them out of office.

“Maybe I should start with that oven ready Brexit? You know the slogan! It won Dom the GE while I masterfully hid from Morgan in a fridge. Real pizazz! Class act. Almost as dazzling as when I put that reporter’s phone in my pocket.”

Also definitely right up there with the “achievements”.

“Or maybe I should be more contemporary? Ye old plague that stalks the land because I couldn’t be bothered to stop making buses from old wine crates and go to the snake council? What snake is it? Python? Mamba? Cobra! That’s it! What do they do there again? I haven’t the foggiest! Bloody talking shop with no booze. Talking about boring the pants off you. I don’t need my pants bored off. They incinerate the moment I open my mouth.”

We think stick with your achievements during the pandemic.

“I said I’d solve the social care crisis. Bloody hell. Thanks to Covid-19, we’ve made a great start. Just imagine how we’ll build on it in 2021 with Brexit!”

Chris Grayling too intelligent and secure for the Intelligence and Security Committee, says Downing Street

FIFTY SHADES OF GRAYLING: The curse of Chris Grayling has struck again. His unerring ability to mess up the simplest situation remains unaffected, even in his absence.

True to form, Number Ten has tried to spin failure as world beating success. Grayling, says the PM’s office, is just too intelligent and too safe a pair of hands to chair the Intelligence and Security Committee.

The now notorious Russia Report is at the heart of Downing Street’s rationale. The usual job of the Intelligence and Security Committee, it reasons, is to leak titillating details of the Report to selected journalists, in return for cash. A man such as Grayling, with his mind on a higher plane, would be likely to leave the whole report, unredacted, for free, next to his face mask, on the 6.47 to Epsom.

Friends of Grayling have been quick to leap to the great man’s defence. “Chris was simply overqualified for the position,” claims longstanding chum Trevor Clever. “He is frequently voted Britain’s Smartest MP, and it’s a very competitive field. Chris always wins, even though he’s usually up against Boris Johnson, Priti Patel and even James Cleverly!”

LCD Views naturally wanted to speak with Grayling himself. Unfortunately, his chief aide, Alec Smartt, confessed over the telephone that his boss was so given to esoteric and profound thought, that mundane matters like working out how to talk via Zoom were too far below him. “He can’t even use a telephone without accidentally emptying the vaults of the Bank of England,” admitted Smartt. “His thoughts are so powerful, they affect everyone within range, like an aura. On the Committee, I can see him disclosing Britain’s nuclear codes and Dominic Cummings’ personal phone number simply because he is too busy squaring circles.”

Is this the same sophistication which led him to spaff millions of pounds on a ferry company without ferries?

“Naturally,” confirmed Smartt. “He deduced that the name Seaborne Freight was a fiendishly complex double bluff, within half a millisecond. His integrity is such that he never suspected that it was a gruesomely simple fraud.”

In his leisure time, Grayling is believed to inhabit a room with walls padded like a luxury sofa, while wearing a straitjacket. This, it is believed, is the only way to protect his immediate surroundings from the power of his brainwaves.

It’s all clear now. We have had enough of experts.

Julian Lewis kicked out of Tory party for being smarter than Chris Grayling

SURVIVAL OF THE THICKEST: The coup over the chair of the Intelligence and Security Committee has claimed its first victim. The victor, Julian Lewis, has been de-Toried for proving himself more intelligent than Chris Grayling.

This begs the question: if being cleverer than Chris Grayling is a sackable offence – and it’s a very low bar – what does that say about the remaining MPs?

So now the fate of the Russia Report, an allegedly explosive document detailing how the Russians paid for Brexit and the election in December 2019, is in the hands of a man potentially hostile to Boris Johnson. Lewis could extract his revenge by publishing the whole thing, unredacted, and condemn the Vote Leave government. Who would have thought that a petulant knee-jerk reaction could have such extreme consequences?

Obviously not Way Past His Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, and his de facto boss, “Classic” Dom Cummings. Johnson, judging by his hapless efforts at Prime Minister’s Questions, doesn’t have any more than the most basic thought in his head. Cummings is either less brilliant or less frightening than he clearly believes he is.

This has become something of a pattern. Act first, fill in the details later, if at all. Don’t worry about the consequences, you can blame them on somebody else. And, as with virtually everything else this government touches, the consequences are the opposite of what they promise will happen. Does exactly what it doesn’t say on the tin, you might say.

Suddenly, the race to the bottom of the barrel had become interesting. All it takes is someone to throw a spanner into the barrel reserved for fish shooting. The cat is among the pigeons and feathers will surely fly. The Russia Report could well be published as MPs go on their summer jollies. If so, it is likely that many will not return.

But it’s not all bad news. Vladivostok is lovely this time of year.