We should simply let the country run itself, says cabinet minister

LET IT GO: Leave it alone, let it be, just walk away now. There is simply nothing more that needs to be done. Everything is ticking along nicely. 

“We have got everything done,” explained Dick Holder, Minister Without Responsibilities in Rishi Sunak’s cabinet. “We got Brexit done, we got covid done, we got inflation done, we even got the small boats done. There is simply nothing more to do.”

Holder proudly indicated his empty desk, his empty in-tray and his empty head.  He sat back, placed his size 12s undelicately on the table, and lit a large cigar with a complacent flourish. 

“I’m done here, like the rest of the cabinet, as you can see,” he said, stifling a cough. “Therefore we should do nothing. The country will be fine without the need for any more politics. And we really don’t need lefty lawyers or the woke police sticking their noses into everyone else’s business any longer. This is the 21st century, for crying out loud. England should be able to run itself by now.”

Holder pointed out the example of Boris Johnson, who did so much for his country. 

“Boris set the benchmark,” Holder claimed. “Within days of being in office, he bulldozed all the Brexit red tape for good. He declared covid to be over, and lo! it was so. He made us believe in the Greatness of Britain, in the greatness of the British people! And nothing can defeat that faith! Alleluia!”

He dropped cigar ash on his shirt, which was already stained from all the hard work that he hadn’t done. 

This doesn’t alter the facts that the country is sinking into a mire of debt and poverty, that covid is still rampant, or that Brexit negotiations have hit impasse after impasse. 

“Heresy, my dear boy, heresy!” Holder chided. “You must believe harder! Now go and say 12 Hail Margarets. Amen!”

BREAKING : PM to outlaw poor people owning gold

MEANS TESTED MEANIE : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING PM, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak, is not known for thinking long and hard about how to boost his dire polling. It comes as no surprise that his latest idea is as batshit crazy as his prized Rwanda scheme.

“People will say the Gold Law is just another dead cat,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “but there’s no table big enough to handle all the murdered felines we’re flinging about. No. We actually think banning people with insufficient personal wealth from owning gold will give us the polling boost we need to call a GE.”

Quite how well the ban on gold will go down with the Great British public isn’t clear, as the idea has been dreamt up by the eyewateringly wealthy team in 10 Downing Street who can’t even use a debit card.

“It’s an aspirational change to the way the country is governed,” the spokesman adds. “If you want to wear a gold wedding band then you have to improve your station. What’s wrong with that? The Rwanda scheme has shown we’re tough on asylum seeking if not the causes of it, raising taxes while saying we’re doing the opposite demonstrates we’re a traditional Con government, so why not have a fiddle about with wearable signs of status?”

It’s not yet clear what stance Labour will take on the new Gold Law though. Some suspect they’ll just agree with 10 Downing Street, because that’s what they do on any hair brained wheeze which comes out of it.

“It’s good they agree with the government,” a pollster commented, “it shows they understand that to win you have to be popular, not principled. You start confusing the voting public with headline policies based in provable reality you just feed Farage and his kind.”

How much people will be compensated for their gold is yet to be determined. But it’s expected most will just hand it over for the good of the country.

“Anyone caught eating their wedding band in an attempt to hide it won’t be facing goal time,” Downing Street advised, “because there’s not enough spaces. But you will be expected to spend the weekend with Lee Anderson and Suella Braverman. That should do it. And if you eat a lot of gold then you’ll have to listen to Liz Truss in person for a week.”

Full compliance is expected.

Man who achieved nothing vows to match his prior record

BRAVE SIR DAVID RAN AWAY: And then he was suddenly dragged back into the spotlight, kicking and screaming. He declared, with rabbit-like focus, that he would ensure that his record in office this time round was as impressive as it was before.

Reform of the House of Lords is at the top of his Don’t Do List. For many years, the honours system has been abused by those in power. It has always been an easy route for cronies and friends of the well-connected to obtain a seat in the Upper House. Brave Sir David’s successors only accelerated this process. Since this culminated in the ennoblement of Dodgy Dave, he is understandably keen to achieve non-reform. SamCam and the rest of Dave’s family must be eagerly awaiting his next resignation. The ermine beckons already.

Why stop there? Dave’s In-Your-Dreams Tray also contains absolutely no plans to deal with ex-ministers lobbying government chums for enormous wodges of cash. This, he insists, has nothing to do with begging his new boss, who at the time sat on a humungous heap of gold at the Treasury. This celebrated attention to lack-of-detail also applies to his solemn vow not to confront Boris Johnson about his daily Lockdown parties.

Good ol’ DC is famously immune to lobbying himself. He has already said a flat NO to a referendum about I’m a Celebrity. Unless Nigel Farage asks him for one, that is. There are already rumours involving every disgraced Tory backbencher who has recently lost the whip. They are getting the old gang back together to ensure that Dave watches when Farage dedicates every challenge to his old enabler.

Brave Sir Dave has arrived at the Foreign Office. This is lucky for him. After the Glorious Referendum, in which he was told that The People had decided that Europe didn’t exist, he quickly realised that the rest of the world didn’t exist, either. Indeed, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and The North were also non-existent. This reduced his list of responsibilities to zero.

So Dodgy Dave will easily match his prior record, by sitting in his gypsy caravan writing another smug autobiography, drawing his fat salary, and doing precisely the square root of bugger all.

Tories to create an extra Bank Holiday for every seat they win in the local elections

THERE AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A CONSERVATIVE PARTY: Leading Conservatives are planning to celebrate the local election results by creating extra Bank Holidays. For every seat they win in the local elections, Sub-Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has pledged to give hard-working Brits an extra day off.

The news was announced as the Tories suddenly realised the importance of these results. “Normally we don’t give a rat’s arse about these local non-events,” claimed Conservative party analyst Titus A. Ratsbottom. “That’s why the candidates call themselves ‘local’ Conservatives, we have nothing to do with them, and they have nothing to do with us. Quite rightly, if I may say so. Our ‘local’ friends are only masquerading as Tories, the real toffs are in power or in clover. Or in both, of course. Unfortunately, our very own gutter press is acting like the treacherous fools they are, and somehow equating these insufferable yokels to the National Party.”

Ratsbottom took a moment to endure a minute’s intense apoplexy at the mere thought of levelling up toffs and plebs. His face turned a delicious shade of gammon. The red face and white military moustache made him look like a no entry sign with eyes.

“Those traitorous bastards are going to ensure that we lose every single seat!” he harrumphed finally. “People will link failing hospitals, unstoppable inflation, and all the rest of it, to the Conservatives! This is intolerable! Something Must Be Done!”

Meanwhile, in Westminster, the alleged PM was trying hard to Do Something. Say what you like about Sunak – so we will. He follows in a long line of Conservative PMs who do little but throw out paltry bribes to the electorate. This time, the pledge that will be reneged upon is an extra Bank Holiday for every seat won by the Conservatives, ‘local’ or otherwise.

Vote Conservative and never work again? Sounds like the ideal slogan.

Downing Street denies high domestic energy costs are part of plan to end working from home

DOWN WITH THE ANTI GROWTH COALITION: Downing Street has denied that the cost of living crisis is part of a plan to end working from home. In unrelated news, commercial offices are being ‘discouraged’ from acting as warm spaces.

Unfortunately, the scattergun approach to joined up policy is not helping the Government to operate this non-policy. Home workers cannot get to the office, because councils are being forced to cut costs by not gritting the roads. The price of petrol is simply ridiculous, and public transport is unreliable, thanks to the greedy Woke Lefty train drivers selfishly going on strike because they can’t afford to get to work on the exorbitantly priced trains either.

Government spokeswonk Costa Lott denied everything. “There’s no big plan,” she said, confirming what we all suspected. “The problems are everything to do with international markets, greedy nurses, Putin’s Illegal War, small boat people, Meghan Markle, and Jeremy Clarkson – I mean, Corbyn. There’s nothing we can do about these external factors, so you can stuff your conspiracy theories where the Sun don’t shine!”

However, LCD Views has seen a document, headed “Top Secret! Do NOT leak! Not even a little bit!”. This document, signed off by the Cabinet, details the entire strategy. In essence, the plan (such as it is) is to make homes intolerably expensive to run, so that employees choose to spend 24 hours a day at the office (and rent space for a sleeping bag on the floor). This was accidentally circulated by Suella Braverman to everyone in her ‘Family & Fiends’ whatsapp group, under the heading of ‘Our latest plan to stuff the plebs! LOLZ!’

“I don’t recognise that document,” said a visibly worried Costa Lott. “Nor any of the names. Fake news!” She turned white and fled for her life.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. A blunt weapon wielded by blunt weapons. At least we don’t have a Labour government.

Tory Party told “You lost get over it”

REAL POLITICAL PARTIES DON’T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS : The UK’s governing Conservative and Unionist Party have been given a bit of welcome advice today, as they struggle to deal with the consequences of what they’ve done to themselves.

“You lost get over it!” is being shouted at the Cons by reality, but they’re not in a rush to get the message. In fact, they’re in a death roll with reality with many believing if they can just hold off a GE for long enough it will all come good.

“We can still come through,” a party member told LCD Views, as they warmed their hands over the bin fire that their Party now is. “Stand back a bit. You don’t want to get burned. Why are those opposition MPs coming over here with marshmallows on sticks?”

Happily for the beleaguered Tories they can see the problem.

“It’s our habit of choosing idiots to lead us,” the member admitted, “although we can’t just go and change the latest idiot for another again, as that will be like admitting we elected an idiot. I guess we’re all stuck with things as they are. If we just keep our heads down everything will magically get better.”

It’s true the Party is not completely without hope.

“We’ve got Hunt running the show now. You know him? Newsreaders can’t pronounce his name. Everyone is speculating that he’s been playing a long game to run the party. He waited out Johnson and now he’s back. And now he’s effectively in control. PM in all but name. That’s really clever.”

Intentional or not, how clever it is to take over the helm just as the entire ship of state has capsized and is rapidly sinking is a question for others to wonder over. We think it just underscores that he is also an idiot.

“We just have to believe in magic and it will be alright. We believed in magic with austerity and then with Brexit. We can believe in magic with Truss now. In a fight between reality and magic I know which side I’m on.”

The losing side. Oh well. Never mind.

BREAKING : David Cameron planning political comeback to fix “Broken Britain”

COMETH THE HOUR : The United Kingdom’s greatest living, former Prime Minister, David Cameron, is reportedly “sick to the back teeth” with the mess his successors are making of the robust, fiscally stable and socially coherent country he voluntarily left in their keeping.

“Dave is furious,” an insider in the Shepherd’s Hut Shed told LCD Views.

“You recall when he left office to buy a garden shed that cost the average, annual salary? You remember back then? 2016. Late 2016 when he was photographed on the steps of the shed as part of a rebrand? When he was moving on in life as a lobbyist for Greensill or something. Some green outfit anyway. All above board. Perfectly natural next move for a man without a blemish to his name. The country was united and buzzing with potential.”

It was certainly a golden era. Brexit was there as Mr Cameron’s legacy. To be made into anything the right and left ends of the horseshoe wanted.

“Now look at it! It’s like someone took Miliband, Corbyn, Starmer, the other Miliband and Mao and put them in a blender and poured the genetic smoothie out into a human mould, baked it at 180 until the top was crunchy and made the resulting mess PM! The policy platform is insane. Somebody has to restore the Conservative Party’s reputation for sound, fiscal management. You know, like with austerity, so the working poor paid for the mistakes of the bankers.”

It seems Dave “boy wonder” Cameron believes he is the man to do it.

“The problem with Trussonomics is that it rips the mask off. It unveils the face of death. You’re not supposed to state the Conservative Party is solely now the preserve of kleptofascists. The right wing press has spent years conditioning people whose opinions are valued by business, and for what? Just for an honest statement of our real economics to ruin it all?”

The source is clearly disgusted.

“You’re supposed to achieve the aim by incremental policy changes sold to the public by useful idiots and paid stooges in the media. Not just say we’re eating your fucking kidneys for breakfast and we’ll be back for your lungs for lunch. It’s madness! Accusing people on welfare benefits of being curtain twitchers and scroungers. That’s how you do it. Dave will sort it out.”

Vote for Dave.

Liz Truss vows as PM to “Shove levelling up where the sun don’t shine!”

TYRANTS GONNA TYRANT : THE UK’S NEXT WORST PRIME MINISTER, Liz Truss, has taken aim squarely at the WOKE MOB that have infested the Tory Party under wet blanket, bleeding heart, soft touch Boris Johnson.

In a major speech last night to the “Amateur Abattoir and Taxidermy Society” she vowed to be “a wrecking ball through the last vestiges of upward mobility” left after twelve years of strong and stable Conservative governments.

“You see them out there riddling the wood of our great oak,” she told a crowd of roaring, blood stained geriatric men, “with their flat screen TV’s and their mobile phones laughing at all your hard work. Well it stops the moment I take the throne! I will smash the TV’s of the poor! I will put all their iphones into a bag and hurl the bag into the mighty Thames! To the workhouse for them! The workhouse!”

During the speech, described by one present as “so erotic I had a vision of Margaret Thatcher midway through dressed as a French maid and passed out due to lack of oxygen” the UK’s next PM said she would stop “at nothing to make sure the poor know their place!”. To underscore this she added “I wasn’t raised up not to fall like a hammer on the anvil of equality and sunder it to pieces.”

How Mr Sunak will counter the latest appeal to the worst inhumanity in the governing party is not yet clear, but it is believed he will use the tax system and claim that “he never believed anyone earning over £80K a year should pay a penny in tax” and he’ll set that right if they “just agree to love me.”

Ms Truss is not expected to worry too much about any late running from her challenger.

“Once she told the old chaps that decide who is PM that she’ll take levelling up and shove it where the sun don’t shine she had the leadership in the bag. All she has to do now is declare war on the Argies and it’s into 10 Downing Street with a donor’s budget to redecorate and the weeping of the poor music to the ears of the Tory Party. The concept of accident of birth was killed under Cameron and Osborne. Liz will dance on its grave.”

Now we have left the EU, we can raise parliamentary standards, says Boris Johnson

RIP IT UP AND START AGAIN: Freedom from the rules and order of the EU has given the UK a fantastic opportunity, declares Boris Johnson. We can raise standards even higher by ripping up the ministerial code. 

This Brexit Opportunity is so glaringly obvious, that even the Brexit Opportunities Minister, Jacob Rees-Mogg, didn’t spot it. 

It’s not even the first time this method has been used. The only reason that we can’t hear the sound of all our laws being torn to pieces is that the noise from the non-stop Downing Street party drowns it out. 

In fact, the only thing in Westminster being shredded faster than evidence of Boris Johnson’s misdemeanours is what’s left of the UK’s reputation. 

“We are levelling up standards!” blurted the PM, brandishing an empty wine glass. “Captain Boring Old Rules, you know, what’s his name, that lawyer chappie, yes, no, yes, Sir Fire Starter, twisted fire starter, he would have us shackled to common decency for ever!” 

He burped loudly. “Jeeves! I need a top-up!” He waggled the wine glass impatiently while a flunky tried to refill it. “I’m at work, you know. Hurry up!” 

He drained the glass and Jeeves automatically refilled it. “That’s better. Now go!” he bawled. “Veni, vidi, vino, that’s my blotto motto. Wiff waff. Every day’s a Friday!” 

He waved a crumpled bit of wine-stained paper in the air, like a drunken parody of Neville Chamberlain. “I have here in my hand an assurance from the Standards Committee that they won’t complain that they weren’t invited to the party – I mean the work event, obviously. The new code *belch* will stop the interfering nosy busybodies from investigating me at every turn, so, erm, so what? So sorry, I’ve lost my thread, like Ariadne, now she was a fine filly, phwoarrr, let’s get on the job! I mean, let’s get on WITH the job!”

He stumbled offstage, and the party continued backstage. 

Royal Mint issues edible coins to prove to poor people you can eat a meal for 30p

AS MUCH GOLD AS YOU CAN EAT : Poor people across the United Kingdom are said to be in a celebratory mood today after the government ordered the Royal Mint to issue edible coinage.

Edible coins are of course no novelty as they occur naturally in a seasonal way each December, but to see their sudden appearance in spring is expected to cause raucous celebrations amongst the workshy and cut a swathe through the burgeoning lines at food banks.

“It looks like Tory spokesman Lee Anderson was bang on for the money,” a layabout welfare scrounger told LCD Views, “excuse me, I’ve got to get to my third zero hours contract job.”

And in a savage retort to the criticisms that it’s not only the cost of purchasing the ingredients, it’s the cooking fuel and equipment that cost too, the coins come pre-cooked with a shelf life significantly longer than any fresh fruit or veg (since Brexit got done).

It is hoped the edible coins will end the tiresome debate over the rising cost of living which is said to have already “bored the PM into a torpor”.

The coins themselves will cost only the face value they are minted with.

“This means that there are real savings to be had now with the weekly grocery bill,” a 10 Downing Street economic whiz told us. “By this time next week the 20p coin will be worth 10p which will make them even cheaper on the second hand market.”

But there is one fly in the ointment, as the first editions have been inadvertently minted in Euro’s and not pence.

“That’s a teething problem,” the spokesman clarified. “Due to mysterious supply chain issues the raw ingredients to make them are currently in short supply in the UK so we’ve contracted the minting to a Dutch-French-German-Slovenian firm.”

Later editions are expected to come in Sterling but until then you can be reassured that “while stuck in a rest of the world queue at a Spanish airport you can at least eat the coins in your pocket.”