I’ve always supported Manchester Wanderers, claims Boris Johnson

BATTING FOR BRITAIN: The country’s world beating sports fan, Boris Johnson, is striding to the middle, racquet in hand, to enter the scrum. To emphasise his man of the people credentials, he has declared a lifelong love of Manchester Wanderers. 

He goes to soccer matches all the time, he claims. When he goes, he takes his mate, Burnley Ham Villa fan, “Dodgy” Dave Cameron. 

Johnson painted an evocative picture of two old mates cheering on Roy of the Rovers netting his weekly hat-trick. It could easily have been depicted on one of his famous wine box paintings. 

“Dave and I have spent many a Saturday afternoon in the grandstand at Maine Street,” he boasted. “Always at the, erm, yes, well, erm, the Piccadilly end, with our rattles and our sky blue pink club ties!” 

And in the modern era? 

“Oh, yes, erm, no, erm, wiff waff,” he waffled confidently. “Yes, they changed their stadium, didn’t they? Old Trafford to New Trafford? Splendid stuff, I say, yes, we often go and have a few glasses of claret and some foie gras during the interval, just like millions of other ordinary fans!” 

What’s your opinion on the European Super League business? 

“Well, erm, no, yes, well, it’s just not cricket, is it?” he replied. “I mean, a few clubs with more ego than sense, a glorious past but an uncertain future, thinking they are better than everyone else and cutting themselves off from their fans, just so their owners can get richer? It’s despicable. Despicable, I say!” 

If only there were some kind of parallel in global economics. 

“And it’s European, so it must be bad by definition!” Johnson spluttered. “Association soccer ball will be ruined for ordinary fans like me!” 

And who do you think will win the FA Cup this season? 

“Erm, yes, erm, well, the thing is…” he improvised, and quickly shambled off to hide in the nearest fridge. 

Boris Johnson to console himself on the cancelled India trip by ordering a chicken tikka masala

POPPADUMS AND A RIGHT PROPER PICKLE: Boris Johnson has decided to cancel his jaunt to India. This comes after one of his “tech assistants” pointed out that he could conduct business via the medium of the video call. 

Johnson decided to console himself by having a takeaway chicken tikka masala, that most Indian of dishes. He will wash it down with a bottle of Indian lager brewed in Burton-on-Trent. 

This means that the English newspapers are now free to report on the scale of the latest covid variant outbreaks on the subcontinent. 

Johnson has pronounced himself “disappointed” not to be travelling in person. He had been looking forward to boffing the air hostesses and the Bollywood starlets, and dressing up in a sari. 

He had also been scheduled to dress up at the British Prime Minister and deliver a speech. This was designed to curry favour with “our former colonial subjects”, expecting them to “welcome old friends back into the fold”, and to obtain the recipe for lamb biryani. 

Instead, Johnson will have to make do with his oven ready chicken tikka masala in front of EastEnders, and hope that Carrie doesn’t have a headache again. 

The actual meeting will now be a virtual one. Johnson is banking on the success of his world beating strategy. What he is planning to say is a mystery, even to him. 

Insiders, carefully bribed by an investigator in no way connected to LCD Views, gave a coriander-laced flavour of the likely form of words Johnson will use:

“I say, my good fellows, erm, yes, well, why don’t we let bygones be bygones, water under the bridge, wiff waff, that sort of thing, we have to draw the line somewhere, like between India and Pakistan, ha ha, erm, well, yes, erm, no, well, erm, so now we are the best of chums, give us what we want or we will have to colonise you again!”

The Indian government is expected to cave in to this persuasive rhetoric, say the insiders. Indian government insiders insist that they will just mute Johnson and let him blather on without having to listen. 

Our influence on the world has certainly changed since Brexit. That’s the takeaway. 

Boris Johnson rushed to hospital after accidentally answering a question at PMQs

ASK NO QUESTIONS AND YOU GET TOLD NO LIES: The filibustering fibber has been hospitalised following an unprecedented accident. Johnson was rushed to the nearest Accident & Emergency department following a spontaneous seizure.

Boris Johnson is well known in Westminster circles for never answering a straight question with a straight answer. Certainly not a question regarding policy, lobbying or corruption. According to certain pneumatic blondes known to LCD Views, even the relatively unweighted request of “Fancy a shag, Boris babes?” tends to be met with a recital of The Merchant of Venice before he even loosens his tie.

However, today at PMQs he made the rookie error of answering a question without considering the traps that lay within. “Mr Speaker, I trust that the Prime Minister would agree with me that the rollout of the Coronavirus vaccine by the NHS has been an outstanding success,” stated Keir Starmer, in a generous tone. Johnson smirked complacently like Priti Patel in possession of a set of diamond-encrusted knuckledusters. “Does he agree, therefore, that the public sector has a vital role to play in defeating the virus?”

There was a pause, as a clearly smug and self-important Johnson rose to his feet.

“Well, I say, wiff waff, well, yes of course…” he began. But before Johnson could proceed any further, his heart leaped out of his chest and attempted to strangle him.

Members on both sides of the House recoiled in horror at the conclusive proof that Johnson was in possession of a heart.

On-call paramedics, permanently stationed in the House should some medical emergency arise, literally sauntered at great lack of speed to help the stricken PM. “He’s only bluffing,” they told the heart, over and over again, until it relented sufficiently to allow Boris to breathe again. The paramedics stuffed the heart back into its cavity, and stretchered the PM to a waiting ambulance, trembling with suppressed laughter.

Now we know exactly what goes on at the heart of government.

Boris Johnson threatens to “Un-Win World War Two” if EU doesn’t cave on shellfish export ban

OPERATION BI-VALVE : The UK’s current wartime leader, Boris Johnson, is oft thought to be a man out of his time. The Restoration may have suited better? The 14th century perhaps? Plenty of plague to mismanage going around then. But here he is in the 21st century controlling the world’s dominate martial superpower.

Like any solid English statesman he finds himself having to school Johnny Foreigner. Those Continentals? Hey? When will they learn?

“It’s silly not to compromise your entire legal framework, which allows dozens of countries to co-exist peacefully, just to rob hardworking British fishermen of a few quid,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Someone should tell the French! And the Italians! And the Germans! And the Dutch! And the Nederlanders! And the people who live in Holland! And the Spanish! The Portuguese. Well, the list goes on. Who do they think they are? They need an exceptional teacher.”

Mr Johnson is clearly that and he is bringing out the big guns. It has nothing to do with the trouble he’s caused in Northern Ireland or the increasing stink of corruption about his government.

“It’s about standing up for Britons! They will take our fish in whatever state we decide. And if they do not Mr Johnson will un-win World War Two. That’ll show them. WW2 lives rent free in all the Conservative MPs minds. It will be especially easy to side with the fascists and stuff the lot of them.”

One World War and One World Cup? Take that unelected bureaucrats!

Just look at all of our flags. We’ve already got ourselves right in position to see the hard right victorious, not just at home in Blighty, but across the Channel too.”

BBC ordered to replace coverage of NI riots with images of a grinning idiot and Union Flags

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : No one can forget the bullet the U.K. dodged when it chose David Cameron over Ed Miliband back in 2015, and today we are really starting to reap what we’ve sown.

Strong and stable government has of course been the watchword of the Conservative and Unionist Party, ever since it resumed its rightful place running the show back in 2010.

“The strength and stability only strengthened and stabilised once we rid ourselves of our coalition partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If the British people, in their wisdom, had not had the common sense to give Dave ‘boy wonder’ Cameron a twelve seat majority back in 2015 heaven knows where we would be? We certainly would not have had that advisory referendum in 2016.”

Now of course Mr Cameron has long since ceased to be the steady hand on the tiller of the executive. He concerns himself with matters of high finance with the same expertise he showed in politics.

“Theresa May had a rather forgettable time as prime minister. Although her Brexit red lines did provide the secure ground of xenophobia and self-harm that our current PM built all too readily upon.”

Some of course would say that the current riots in Belfast are the fault of the prime minister. That making a man child who has never suffered any serious consequence for his misdeeds prime minister was a mistake of grave magnitude. But they of course are not patriots.

“Now we’re into the meat of what Brexit really means. The riots in Northern Ireland are teething problems. It will all calm down soon enough. And to reassure everyone that all will be alright, that all is worth the cost, what better than images of flags? What better than a grinning idiot and flags? But not just any flags. Union Flags. And not just any idiot. Boris Johnson level idiot.”

The BBC, with its new and much more patriotic leadership, can be trusted to get right on it!

Boris Johnson to clap for Northern Ireland

LIKE A CIRCUS SEAL WANTING A FISH : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has a lot on his plate these days. What with redecorating the Downing Street flat and planning for an “irreversible” pint next Monday. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a few spare moments to think about the deteriorating situation in Northern Ireland.

“He’s having the think before today’s arts and crafts session with the empty wine boxes,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And after he chooses what outfit he’s wearing for dress up today.”

The importance placed upon dealing with the rioting in Norther Ireland, which has been daily for a week now, shows just how capable a PM Mr Johnson is.

“He’s definitely going to work up a fix before he scrolls through his address book wondering which mistress to bang next week,” the source is certain. “He’s really concerned about the Irish. He is in no way colonially minded about the situation. It’s a bit of a shock really. No one at all saw getting Brexit done could lead to trouble across the Irish Sea. And if they did we denounced them as traitors and ignored them. So NO ONE.”

There are of course several possible solutions that spring immediately to mind.

“He could begin negotiations to rejoin the EU single market and customs union, recognising that this would protect the peace process and in all likelihood safe lives. But he won’t do that. How boring are other people? Especially ones you have never met who aren’t offering you any short term advantage? He could of course begin negotiations to find a long term way to re-unifiy Ireland. But again, yawn. Can you just imagine the texts from Foster? He’d need a new mobile number.”

It’s hard to see a solution then? Either the entirely voluntary project Brexit has to be betrayed or the people have to suffer.

“Don’t be so hasty. He’s got something up his sleeves. Or rather at the end of his wrists.”

What’s that?

“He can lead a clap.”

Back to the office, says man who hasn’t done an honest day’s work in his life

BACK TO SKOOL: It’s time to get back into the office. Just as the schools break up.

This is possibly to minimise contact between covid-carrying children and their unvaccinated parents. Or possibly just another screw up from a man who has a strong grasp on himself but on precious little else.

We as a grateful nation are delighted to take our lead from a man who claims to work night and day, but punctuates this with power naps. And we admire a man who thinks that “work” means “dressing up in hi viz while breaking the essential travel ban”.

Ordinary commuters up and down the land are excited about the return to work.

“I for one can’t wait,” said handpicked talking head Tori Plant. “It will be a joy to lose two hours of sleep, or even more if there’s a lovely breakfast meeting. To shave bits I haven’t shaved in months, to actually have a shower, to put on uncomfortable clothes and makeup, to drive into town and get frustrated with the traffic jams. I have missed battling with useless computers, interminable meetings called by someone who just wants an ego boost, and the constant low level harassment from male colleagues.”

That’s quite a list. But you haven’t mentioned your inspiration yet, and we agreed that you would.

“That’s an extra fifty grand, then,” she snapped. “Sorry, that’s off the record. Put it into my hand, right now… Thank you. OK, here goes… I take my inspiration from Boris, of course,” she explained, in a much warmer tone. “He works so hard, and he’s such a role model, and if he came to my workplace he would definitely be my office shag.”

I think we can all take inspiration from a man who has never done an honest day’s work in his life, yet manages to get the country’s top job. There’s a lesson there for all of us.

PATRIOTS SALUTE as Union Flag to fly over every house Johnson shagged in – Blue Plaque industry furious!

WHAT’S FLYING ON YOUR POLE : THE BLUE PLAQUE industry is said to be so mad they’re considering legal action today after the Ministry of Infidelity chose the Union Flag as the monument to mark locations of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s affairs.

“We already had compositions in the drafting stage,” Non-existent industry representative Bloo Plack told LCD Views. “The PM bonked here. It’s direct and to the point and who wouldn’t be proud to have one of those plaques over their door?”

But it seems whoever has the contract for Union Flags has muscled in on the plaque people’s business.

“That’s hundreds of plaques that now won’t be glued to exterior walls. You don’t need wind for a plaque. We also attract people’s interest. They come over and squint up wondering if they’ll recognise the personality remembered. The flag? It’s everywhere. Who is going to care if Boris Johnson shagged in the property or not? Unless they put a picture of the conquest in question on the flags? Are they doing that?”

The good news for the prime minister though is that most of the media focus and social media comment today does appear to be directly on the infidelity itself, and not the masses of public money that may, or may not, have been incorrectly paid to the conquest in question.

“Boris Johnson shagged here. It could have seen a boom for our industry. But instead it’s to be the Union Flag again. About the only positive I can see is that once it gets associated with Johnson and the moral sewer the man is, maybe, just maybe Tory MPs will be less keen to have them in their living rooms.”

Priti Patel’s beauty expenses vital to conceal her true appearance

The revelation of expenses claims by Priti Patel have caused quite a stir since they were released this week. They include over £100,000 on services provided by Global Beauty Products and their subsidiaries. People have been asking not only why beauty treatments should be considered valid expense claims for the taxpayer to cover, but also why anybody needs to spend that much money on them. It turns out there is a reason that answers both questions at once.

Our glorious leader Boris Johnson made a statement on the matter last night.

“Of course she needs that much on beauty products. It’s a vital expense claim because it covers up her true appearance, which is part vampire, part demon from hell. Golly gosh yes, I even accidentally tented my undergarments the one time I caught her without her disguise – er, makeup – on.”

This confirmed some long-held suspicions, and indeed Mr Johnson went on to elaborate:

“Some of her slaves – er, wait, I mean staff, er, hang on no I don’t – were rendered incapable of doing any work at all when they saw her in her natural state. So her beauty expenses are vital to ensure that home office slaves – er, staff – can do their jobs properly. Not to mention the fact that when she’s done up like that it really turns her into absolute top totty. Phwooooaar!”

This was a revealing remark by our leader, as it shows that even when dealing with the spawn of Satan, his brain is firmly in his y-fronts.

But if Priti Patel’s true appearance is not of this earth, it begged the question of why she picked this particular form for her disguise, given the racism and sexism of the current government.

“Well that’s exactly it,” Johnson answered. “By appearing to the world as a woman of colour, Priti can announce any policy she likes, no matter how vile it is, and if you dare to question it, you’re the racist sexist bigots because she’s a woman of colour. It’s a masterstroke! And speaking of which, all this talk about her is making me feel in need of, er, well, not to beat about the bush, a bit of wiff waff myself if you catch my drift…”

At this point the interview ended and he went inside, after which we could all distinctly hear the sound of something creaking.

So it’s not so much The Devil Wears Prada as The Devil Wears Global Beauty Products, with full prime ministerial endorsement. In more ways than one.

Boris Johnson suggests Suez Crisis can be solved by ignoring it “like I do with the problems I cause”

STILL STRONG AND STABLE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS : The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has time on his hands currently, what with the plague sorted, his home redecorated and an official opposition stuck in “Constructive” mode. This benefits the world.

“He didn’t have to waste time with that Biden/EU joint call either, for obvious reasons, so he was able to turn his impressive intellect to solving the Suez tanker crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

“The problem with the crisis resolution so far appears to be that no one can believe that the British didn’t cause it. Which makes a nice change when it comes to drama in Suez, I can tell you.”

What the prime minister intends to suggest will come as no surprise however. And that’s not because of his track record as a problem solver.

“He doesn’t of course have problem solver on his long CV,” the source admits. “But that’s what makes him so strong in a crisis. Experience. It counts for a lot.”

And it seems while idiots run about suggesting such nonsense as widening the channel, giant magnets, salvage crews with the relevant experience and so on, they’re missing the obvious way to resolve the crisis.

“Just ignore it,” the source shrugs. “That’s Johnson’s advice. He’s created massive problems all through his career, and in his personal life, and just ignoring them has worked out massively in his favour so far.”

Just look now at the problems he’s caused with Brexit. Just ignore it. Problem solved.

“It’s just Boris being Boris.”