SKYSCRAPERS IN THE SUBURBS : Until Housing Minister Robert Jenrick joined the fray of Conservative Party insane policy announcements no one had heard of him. Not even in his own constituency. Not even in his own home. But all that has not changed.
“We’ve all heard the saying ‘An Englishman’s home is his castle’?” Rob begun, announcing the new policy simultaneously in that robust journal of investigative journalism, The Daily Mail, and on Twitter, “well, castles get razed. And some castles get bigger. Your government is committed to the insane asylum. Hang on? Has someone been messing with my notes? Am I over 280 characters yet?”
The new policy, nicknamed by the civil service, ‘Permitted Demolishment’, is aimed at making it easier for people to have larger homes without the tedium of having to move.
“This will ensure our communities stay strong,” Mr Jenrick resumed, “and what’s best it’s not some new red tape nightmare. The choice to demolish your neighbour’s home will be yours. All you’ll need to do is prove you have a better credit score than they do and whacko! Bring in the bulldozers!”
There will be no right to appeal in the new system, as Permitted Demolishment will nest under Permitted Development regulations.
“You will still have to stick to planning rules,” Mr Rob advised, “ie, no Norman castle designs. Just good old fashion English ones as made popular by famous Englishmen of the past like William the Conqueror and his descendants such as Edward 1st. This is an opportunity for lateral extensions to patriot’s homes and I expect 50% of the country to seize on it.”
But critics have been quick to point out what happens to the people whose homes have been demolished? And what happens when neighbours either side of someone both have better credit scores than the neighbour in between them, and both want to demolish the poorer person’s family home?
“This is all to be worked out in the development of the policy,” Mr Jenrick posted a shrug emoji on Twitter, “and it’s perfectly sensible to find the way forward. If two families wish to demolish the home of the neighbour in-between them, they can have a credit score match off to see whose is better and then the family that loses that will have to demolish their own home instead.”
Makes sense. They really have thought this through. It’s not some idiocy like suddenly allowing people to add two storeys to their homes without a right to appeal by their neighbours.
“This will ensure there are no frivolous attempts at demolition. And as to the un-homed? They can apply to rent camping space in what was once their backyard. Permitted Demolishment – if we work together we can build a better Britain.”