Jacob Rees-mogg says Covid-19 tests should be limited to “middle aged men who still need nanny”

THE ANCIENT DANCE OF THE MEAT PUPPET : Britain’s foremost intellectual, and winner of the coveted “Most Use of Google Translate – English Phrases to Latin 2019”, Jacob Rees-mogg, has intervened to bring some old fashioned values to the furore over Covid-19 test availability.

Fluctus calicem tea,” Mr Rees-mogg told a sleepy House of Commons chamber yesterday afternoon.

The decision to set a floor and ceiling on the issue by the inheritance millionaire, who presumably had no such trouble getting CV-19 tests, due to all the hard work he put into the accident of his birth, will soothe many a furrowed brow.

But just in case some serfs are vix auditus, Mr Rees-mogg moved to bring crystal clarity to the subject, in line with his famous interventions in the Grenfell fire disaster, and the uplifting nature of food banks (a direct result of uplifting Tory policies).

“We can’t have every soul, regardless of how able bodied they are, rushing away from tilling the soil of their lord’s manor to find out if their worthless flesh needs preservation,” the embodiment of Christian values reminded the nation’s toilers.

“With that in mind, it is of course urgent to ensure that those who the cap is doffed to are not inconvenienced by difficulty in testing. It is clear we need to ration the tests available to those who are inherently more valuable.”

Happily Mr Rees-mogg was ready with a simple criteria that could immediately be put in place.

“Only those middle aged men who still need nanny should be allocated a Covid-19 test. Or in the words of the Saviour himself, screw pauperis.”

And all the angels in Mogg’s idea of heaven did sing A-men. Because such a man is singular in nature. Gratias Deo.

Boris Johnson to take personal control of breaking international law – in specific and limited ways

PARIAH STATES R US : THE PRIME MINISTER OF A SMALL ROGUE STATE OFF THE COAST OF EUROPE HAS ANNOUNCED he is to take personal control of breaking international laws.

“International laws are so old hat,” a spokesman for the shit Churchill impersonator told LCD Views, “there aren’t any of them we like. Specifically though, any that limit Mr Johnson’s personal powers to do whatever the hell he likes, regardless of the consequences for peasants. Like a marriage vow, they’ve got to go.”

The surprising announcement has shocked many, both at home and abroad.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about?” the spokesman continued, “Vote Leave broke the law and the law lost. We illegally prorogued parliament and were rewarded with a whopping majority at a GE not long after. What exactly is there to be surprised about?”

While that is a fair comment, as there is nothing to be surprised about, some are still expressing surprise that even the word of the British government is not sacrosanct.

“This is the trouble with everyone thinking we’re British nationalists, as if we give a flying shit about the country’s international reputation. We’re going to run this place like a fiefdom, and have some exceptionally relaxed laws around money. Look at all the horrors perpetrated by various regimes around the world? What do we do? We sell them the means to carry on perpetrating horrors. It’s about time we got into the act at home. And if you don’t like it? We will do more of it. Ha! MPs moaning now when they passed the EU Withdrawal Act and gave us sovereign powers. Fools. Dictator for life now. Nice.”

It’s presumed the international community will react to the UK’s decision in specific and limited ways.

An unnamed representative of the EU had this to say,

“We only sell you a third of your food, chunk of your energy, chemicals to clean your drinking water and your Viagra, but sure piss in our faces all day. Sooner or later we’re going to react in specific and limited ways. I’d say from about 1st January 2021.”

Global Britain, we do things in specific and limited ways, because the people just let us.

Don’t kill your granny, that’s our job – Health Secretary makes plea to youth

INTO THE MOUNTAINS WITH YOU : THE HEALTH SECRETARY of an industrialised nation currently mismanaging Covid-19 has made a plea for assistance from the nation’s young.

“Some would think we’re still pursuing herd immunity as our strategy with Covid-19,” he began, “but just at a slower, more political manageable pace. Rather than the mass pit burial velocity we had to pull back from before the summer. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your leaders are famous for adjusting their positions based on public opposition. We U turn all the time. You can trust us to U turn on you. And you can trust me when I say that, because I’m from your government.”

So far, so good.

“And don’t listen to any unpatriotic types who suggest that urging everyone back into offices, after reopening pubs, at the same time as refilling schools is not a sensible public health strategy. Teenagers, and drunks are famous for their self control and adherence to rules. Drunk teenagers especially! It’ll not be our fault if they catch Covid. It’s just nature taking its course.”

All perfectly sensible.

“But there is one area where I need the youth of this nation to help me out. It’s not just wearing face masks while shoplifting, or whatever past time you scallywags get up to these days, that I need your help with.”

Alright. Get on with it.

“It’s with your grandparents. You maybe aware we have a social care crisis in this country. For too long governments pursued a shortsighted agenda of helping people live longer. Long past their ability to work in the gig economy. This is a now a serious problem. Of course the funds that could be spent solving it are currently in tax havens. That is where money belongs. So what to do about all these old people hanging about the place, and between you and me, not doing much that’s useful except grandparenting?”

What indeed. Someone has to give them Covid?

“You don’t want giving them Covid that on your conscience. So let it happen as a result of other people crisscrossing the UK in search of Covid tests. World beating navigation will see us through. And if you really want to help out, take a drive to Barnard Castle and sneeze. We’re taking the right steps, at the right time. This is why you need to protect your grandparents so a rogue algorithm can take care of them, just like it did for A level tests.”

Don’t kill your granny. That’s the government’s job.

Nigel Farage arrested for writing “Bog off we’re full” on Saxon wall

THE VENOMOUS VIGILANTE: Or the Banksy of Brexit. Slimy shit stirrer Nigel Farage has had his collar felt after defacing an ancient monument.

Farage was taking a break from harassing weary asylum seekers arriving near Dover. Instead he paid a visit to the heart of the Garden of England, where vast lorry parks are being constructed.

But the paving of Paradise had to be halted temporarily. Woke activist lefty snowflake archaeologists discovered an ancient Saxon wall in the way. This, they believe, was originally constructed to prevent people fleeing from the ruins of the Roman Empire.

Engraved upon this wall was the following legend, written in genuine Anglo-Saxon. “Faecke offeth, wir sind fölle!” Farage rendered this into modern English in six foot high letters using red paint: “Bog off, we’re full!”

Police arrested Farage at the scene of the crime, for defacing an ancient monument, causing a beach of the peace, and failing to wear a face mask.

The ancient site has created a stir of interest. Royal grave hunters have been all over it like a rash, because it is now traditional to build a car park over the burial place of a King of England.

Farage himself was incandescent with rage. “This is a disgrace!” he foghorned. “Land of Hope and Glory? Political correctness and whingeing liberals are ruining the country! Rule Britannia!” The police slapped an oversized mask over his face and dragged him away.

Farage refused to do community service. This is because he argued the community service was what he was doing when he was arrested. So they threw him in a cell for the night and let him bellow himself to sleep.

Maybe they should have left the mask on. Or the muzzle. Or the face nappy, given the amount of sh*t that comes out of his mouth.

You can now bet on it – odds offered on what Downing Street will screw up next

HAVE A PUNT ON THE UK : The UK is enjoying an unprecedented period of interest in governance, which is of course, not a good thing.

“As always there will be winners and losers,” our Downing Street source shrugs, “and there’s never been a better time to get down to Big Red Bus Bookies and have a punt!”

Wait. Are you moonlighting at a bookies?

“Big Red Bus Bookies have all the odds on the UK’s political scene and you can rest assured we’re not currently run by Dido Harding.”

Don’t we pay you enough? Isn’t just existing enough for a figment of the imagination?

“Whether you fancy taking a punt on Liam Fox becoming the next head of the WTO at 10,000,000,000 to 1 or something more dead cert like Boris Johnson tangled in tent cables at evens, Big Red Bus Bookies is the place to let your instincts take over.”

Anyway, you sound like you’re selling furniture, not promoting a bookie.

“So why not get down today to Big Red Bus Bookies and pop a tidy little wager on Gavin Williamson fighting his way out of a paper bag at evens? Or if you’re after something more adventurous you could go for Dominic Cummings organising a successful piss up in a brewery at 100/1 – should he succeed, bets void if any electoral laws are broken. Big Red Bus Bookies – we do democratic process the right way!”

Don’t bother coming back to the office.

Wait. Why can’t we just bet using an app? You do have an app don’t you? Or are you totally amateur? Is this even a licensed bookmaker?

“Big Red Bus Bookies – after the arrest of Steve Bannon we no longer have an app. Big Red Bus Bookies – there will be no paper trail, whatever your wager it will be between you and me!”

Latest Whitehall merger: Piss Up In A Brewery merges with Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo

ECONOMIES OF SCALE: In a blatant move to achieve greater efficiency, two government departments have merged. This will allow the core business of embezzling public funds to happen more smoothly.

The Department of Organising Piss Ups In A Brewery will combine forces with the Department of Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo. The total failure of both is being hailed as a great success for democracy, as world beating sums of money have been wasted by both. The merger aims to waste money even more effectively.

The new department will be named the Department of Spreading Nonsense About Foreign Unions, or SNAFU for short. And there is an oven ready chief of SNAFU: none other than the great Chris Grayling.

Doesn’t the remit of the new department overlap with the existing white elephant in the room, the Brexit department? LCD Views talked to Whitehall analyst Jack Schytte. 

“You can’t apply normal logic to this government,” argues Schytte. “Words cease to have their normal meanings. Efficiency, for example, doesn’t mean efficiency. Instead it means introducing a layer of inefficiency,, laden with dead cats, to obscure the true objectives.”

Doesn’t Brexit mean Brexit, though?

“Well, yes and no,” said Schytte. “Obviously yes, it’s a tautology. Then again, no, because it’s a concept that was never properly defined. Ask anybody what it means. Ask the hardline Ultras, ask the moderates, ask a remainer, ask Dominic Cummings. You won’t get a consistent answer. You are more likely to get some idea of what Brexit doesn’t mean, and some irrational rantings and ravings about fish.”

In other words, Brexit both does and doesn’t mean Brexit?

“Exactly,” said Schytte with some exasperation. “This is why it is a disaster. Even a successful Brexit would be a failure, and an unsuccessful Brexit would be a victory. Whichever mast a government nails its colours to will be the wrong one. This is why Chris Grayling is so important. Everyone knows he’s a walking failure, so by failing he will, by his own parameters, be a success.”

Indeed, the entire government is rebranding. It will now be known as Fundamentally Useless, Brexit And Run, or FUBAR for short.

U.K. government undertakes emergency ‘Finding your backside with both hands’ training

SPECIAL PLEADING : The Westminster emergency services, all of them, are on standby today after the announcement that all government MPs are to undertake emergency thinking training.

A representative of the local NHS hospital, Saint Truss’s, is said to be expecting “mass casualties”, and they weren’t just referring to any future trade deals negotiated by their namesake.

“It’s not just the expected services on standby,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views, “police, fire department and ambulance, the SAS are also at the ready. Maritime rescue services. Land search and rescue. Anyone with a dog with a working sense of smell. The whole kit and caboodle. There’s deep fears that once Gavin Williamson misses the target and plunges head first up his backside it will become a siege situation. And let’s not get started on how anyone can expect Boris Johnson to find his backside with his own hands in the dark of a specially adapted, sensory deprivation, hiding fridge.”*

The training is a result of the unending series of cockups by all ministers in all portfolios.

“If you haven’t heard of a minister involved in a damaging furore it’s just because they’re too junior. They’re all at it. Casualties are mounting.”

But while the decision to take the crash course has been welcomed by government critics (that’s everyone who isn’t in government), there are concerns over what maybe achieved.

“That’s because the training is to be guided by an algorithm designed by friends of acting prime minister Dominic Cummings,” the source sighs, “and can you name one thing, one thing at all that he hasn’t screwed up?”

To be fair, it’s hard to accurately forecast anything with your head so far up your arse.

Finding your backside with two hands? For some in government that’s now a very hard target.

*the prime minister is understood to have long passed training in finding other people’s backsides with his own two hands.

Downing Street confirms it is waiting for Marcus Rashford to act before U-turn on grades

A STAR TURN : A DROWNING STREET source has confirmed today the preconditions for a U-turn on the A Level grading fiasco.

“We’re waiting for significant public disgust to show up in our private polling and focus group studies,” the source told LCD Views.

“We only care about our own survival. About clinging onto power to transfer the wealth of the state into the offshore bank accounts of our mates. It’s all pretty straightforward. Make us nervous about our hold on the reigns and we’ll flip. This is across the board. It’s your not so secret weapon.”

And the possibility of a flip on the grading is likely?

”Yes. We’ve detonated a dirty bomb across the whole electorate, regardless of how you voted. It really is impressive. Of course if we don’t do a U turn it means you’ve collectively given us the green light to carry on treating you all with total contempt. So make your choice.”

But aren’t you concerned about alienating an entire generation who are just hitting voting age in England? How do you think they’ll vote at the next election?

“What election? If Trump is able to steal the upcoming US election than there won’t be free voting here either.”

Still, there’s the possibility of survivor’s guilt among the youth who have benefited from the biased algorithm. Aren’t you concerned you could turn some of your target demographic off? How will that impact you at the next election?

“I refer you to my previous answer.”

Finally, what do you see as the potential tipping point with this crisis? The moment you would nudge signals you can’t just ride it out and must do an about face?

“Marcus Rashford. If he gets involved we’re toast.”

Gavin “Peter principle” Williamson fears generation of students failing upwards like he did

CONSCIOUS BIAS : THE UK’S EDUCATION SECRETARY, GAVIN “I WAS FIRED FOR LEAKING CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND REHIRED” WILLIAMSON has spoken of his fears for the current generation of students. His concerns come on the back of the A level result fiasco in England, which he could “see coming from a thousand miles away”, but did nothing to prevent.

“Can you imagine it?” Williamson told shocked students today, attending an A* Grade Party at the Department for Education. “If we don’t do something to get this right, there could be millions more just like me? I am terrified for the future of the country. Our institutions are ancient and deep rooted, but even they can only absorb so much of our toxic incompetence.”

How the Education Secretary stumbled upon the degree of self awareness required to make the comments isn’t yet clear (we’re presuming it’s because we’ve imagined him for the purpose of this article), but what is clear is the fury of parents and students alike.

Still, Williamson has at least finding support within the ranks of his own party.

“Dashing the hopes of the young is what we set out to achieve,” Jack Smart, Tory MP for Cleverly, told LCD Views, “inflated statistics are for the employment figures, not for the purposes of university entrance. Imagine if we’d let teachers decide the grades, based on their actual personal knowledge of the students and concern for their welfare? Total catastrophe. Who will pick the fruit at the end of the Brexit transition period? We’ll all starve. Essentially you should be thanking Williamson for ensuring we all stay fed.”

And there’s another added benefit to allowing an algorithm to take over this year. And it’s not a sober re-evaluation and the decision to not introduce an overhaul of a vital system in a period of unprecedented disruption, and without running it parallel to the existing system for some years first, in order to effectively calibrate it.

“Dom will have to fix this algorithm now,” the MP noted, “it’ll cost millions. He’s identified a mate who isn’t yet a millionaire. Get grading done! By this time next year we’ll all be millionaires, unless you’re a school leaver in 2020. You’ll be serving millionaires forever, which is only right and proper.”

Boris Johnson in deepest holiday since records of Boris Johnson’s holidays began

JUST BORIS BEING BORIS : OFFICIAL CONFIRMATION TODAY that Boris Johnson’s premiership can not be in crisis, in spite of some clearly unpatriotic headlines.

“He’s proven himself to be world beating,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Leaders, like that show off in New Zealand, are almost hyperactive in the face of a minor setback. But not Boris. You can’t ruffle his feathers. And it’s not because, in spite of carefully crafted appearances, they appear pre-ruffled.”

And it’s certain that the United Kingdom will take great reassurance in knowing that nothing can stop a Boris Johnson holiday. Not even the worst economic downturn on record, on the back of the Covid-19 crisis and with no deal agreed yet with the EU.

“If you can keep your holiday itinerary while all about you [in government] aren’t cancelling theirs either, it shows you’re made of the right stuff to lead. Besides, nothing can stop a parliamentary recess. It’s the most stubborn force on Earth. It would be a really rum show if Mr Johnson stayed in Downing Street while half his cabinet are exporting proper British Covid-19 to the continent.”

But some have suggested that Mr Johnson should at least appear to give a toss? Especially as millions look set to abruptly become unemployed, in part because of the unwillingness to lockdown the U.K. economy just to stop some of the economically inactive from dying.

“Why? Dominic Cummings isn’t on holiday. So what are you moaning and gloomsaying for? He’ll have the right slogan for the recession released any day now. You’ll see. With a bit of Blitz spirit we’ll rebound. If only off the back of PPE contracts.”

Presumably the slogan will be ‘Get Recession Done”. That will take care of it.

“Actually it’s more likely to be ‘Take it on the chin’ again. More apt. Under us the entire country is getting chinned.”