Boris Johnson orders construction of bridge from the back door of Downing Street to Mustique

SOMETIMES YOU’VE GOT TO GETAWAY : A PRIME MINISTER OF SOMEWHERE who likes to pretend he’s looking anywhere but the fat wallets of US and Russian billionaires, Boris Johnson, has ordered the construction of a symbol of his ambition.

“It’s the limit of his ambition for his time in office,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “which is very ambitious. Think about it. Most individuals who achieve the highest political office in the land actually have an idea about what they want to get done. Not Boris. He’s happy for other people to have those ideas. He just wants to wear the crown. After that? Let’s just enjoy swanning about the place. He’s a vision alright, it’s of girls in skimpy bikinis on Mustique. Huzzah!”

But the construction of the bridge will have benefits for his newly won heartlands in the Midlands and North of England.

“He’s going to cobble the bridge together out of the hopes and dreams of the voters daft enough to vote for a three word slogan. Get bridges done! That’s the wonder of decades of mismanaged decline. You get people so desperate they’ll grab at anything. Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what the quacks call it, I think?”

Construction of the bridge will begin immediately, at least so far as the redirecting of public funds and recruiting of naive celebrity backers for the scheme.

“Mr Johnson will have Carrie out the back of Downing Street with a pick axe breaking ground,” the source added, “although I suspect that’s to keep her busy while he chats to some fit new filly on Whatsapp at the time. But don’t quote me on that, I just make all this up as I go along.”

Which is exactly how we’re now to be governed. Global Britain – building a bridge to nowhere, some of the time, but mostly only in our minds.

Boris Johnson legislates to increase annual holiday allowance for prime ministers to 52 weeks per year


“You don’t pay £20,000 per week for a beach holiday on an exclusive millionaire’s retreat, after conning millions of working class voters to back you, before getting away with your latest squeeze to just drink and shag for weeks,” our embedded reporter reports, “not if you’re Al “shagger” Johnsonov. It’s not all play. From what I’ve observed, in between games of Twister, it’s bloody hard work figuring out how to actually stay away on full pay.”

And work it out Boris Johnson has and action he is taking.

“He’s asked Dom to arrange one of the lackey MPs to introduce new legislation levelling up the PM’s holiday pay to 52 weeks per year,” our reporter continues to fabricate,

“it’s necessary to recharge if you’re allowing a bunch of misfits and oddballs to do the job of governing for you. Those moments when you have to hide? When you have to run into the nearest walk-in fridge, you’ve got to be ready for those moments. You’re going to need energy to burn. Admittedly it’s a short burn.”

And judging by news leaking out of the Westminster torture dungeon Short Cummings has been happy to do as required.

“It saves him time,” the reporter adds, “he’s essentially the Johnson ventriloquist dummy’s hand and voice. If Boris just stays away on holiday then Dom saves time not having to pretend Boris is prime minister. He can really get those reforms done in fast time then.”

Which is exactly what you’d expect from an unelected advisor curiously, apparently, currently given carte blanche to do over our entire basis of government.

Enjoy the beach Boris. Why not stay away all year?

Dominic Raab advises nobody to travel to Iraq or Iran until we find out where the hell they are

Oiling the wheels? Greasy grifter Dominic Raab is trying to pour oil on troubled waters after his boss’ American double fired the first shot of what could escalate into World War Three.

Raab looked sweaty and troubled as he made his play. The diagnostic throbbing vein in his temple was going nineteen to the dozen as Raab looked, in vain, for a fridge to hide in.

“I, erm, that is to say, the government, well, somebody anyway, wants to advise the public to avoid Iran and Iraq,” he stated masterfully. “I am fully in control of the situation, and I will issue further instructions when we find out where the hell Iraq and Iran are.”

Now perspiring visibly, Raab opened his London A-Z with trembling fingers. “Where’s the index in this flipping book?” he muttered under his breath.

One of his long-suffering aides drew him to one side. “Here,” he said, opening out a large sheet of paper showing a map of the world, with the legend ‘My First Atlas’ at the top. Raab bent over to study the document intently. The aide took a large red crayon from his pocket and drew a ring around the British Isles, a big arrow and the words ‘YOU ARE HERE’. He drew another ring around the Middle East and labelled it ‘IRAN AND IRAQ’.

Raab pondered this for some time. “Does the blue bit mean the sea?” he asked finally.

“Yes, Mr Raab,” answered the aide through gritted teeth. Raab looked overjoyed.

“Then this Iran and Iraq place is somewhere foreign?” asked the Foreign Secretary.

“Correct,” confirmed the aide.

“Right, I get it now,” said Raab, comprehension, or at least its distant relative, breaking out all over his face. He stood up again and addressed the room.

“My friends,” he announced proudly. “We live in an independent and very Global Britain. We stand alone. We do not need to concern ourselves with foreign lands. We are British! There is no crisis! There is no need to panic! There is no need to travel to foreign parts! This is why our ferry companies have no boats. The foreigners will come to us, begging for our help!”

With the Prime Minister hiding in Mustique, and the Foreign Secretary hiding in plain sight, we have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Boris Johnson applies to become the Queen

Bumbling panto dame and some time Prime Minister Boris Johnson has applied to head up the royal family.

This astonishing move, some believe, bears the hallmarks of bonkers special advisor Dominic “Short” Cummings, but the logic is impeccable. The Monarch is the only possible obstruction in between Johnson and doing what the hell he likes. If Her Majesty could be persuaded to make Johnson her heir, then the road to absolute power is opened up.

Downing Street mouthpiece Anne Onnimus explained the situation. “All the Queen ever does is wave, read the statements we write for her, and rubber stamp our decisions,” said Onnimus. “Boris can do that too, dead easy. It would save him the stress of worrying if the old bat is ever going to pluck up the nerve to break protocol. God knows, she has been on the verge of it for the last four years!”

Johnson would inherit the Queen’s entire family. Having children you refuse to acknowledge is a distinct advantage here.

Johnson does of course have royal blood. Like the Queen, he is descended from George II.

“In these days of equality, descent via the female line, unmarried couples and illegitimacy is not a disadvantage,” explained Onnimus. “In fact, becoming Monarch because of male, legitimate decent reeks of elite privilege. I give you Boris Johnson, the people’s Queen!”

There is a certain ring to it.

Johnson wants to Get It Done as soon as possible. The current Queen is batting on a bit, and could snuff it at any time. № 10 is worried that, should Charles become king, that he would abuse his position as Head Of State to deny the Royal Assent to laws proposed by his advisors. This is not how things are done in this country. “Boris would never dare defy Mr Cummings,” warned Onnimus, ominously.

Expect a coronation in the near future. Get your Queen Boris commemorative mugs and tea towels now!

Boris Johnson returns from holiday with a fake tan

Boris Johnson has re-entered the country as if it were a willing filly. His Christmas break to the wintry, snowbound, tropical Caribbean paradise that is Mustique has left him glowing with rude good health and ready to get it done. His tan is so powerfully glowing that it shines in the darkness.

Indeed, it looks like Johnson has not only had his Ready Brek, but also been in close contact with nuclear fuels.

The tan is suspiciously deep, almost orange in colour, Trump-esque in fact. It is unusual for a blond, nominally British man with pale colouring like Johnson to tan. Normally they burn and then peel. Suspicious observers reckon that Johnson’s tan is as fake as his credentials.

“I’m also suspicious about why Johnson went to Mustique,” said suspicious observer Bea di Yie. “It’s close enough to the USA for one of Steve Bannon’s minions to fly over with the Trump playbook and make-up kit.”

The recipe for TrumpTan is a closely guarded secret, but it is rumoured to contain chemicals designed to repel both socialism and facts. The unvarnished truth will never penetrate the varnished leader.

“The tan forms a mask behind which an ordinary, posh, wealthy man of the people can play the part of an aggressive, powerful tyrant,” claimed di Yie. “Boris watchers like myself are bracing themselves for a fresh blast of Johnsonism. It’s all an act, and when the real Boris Johnson becomes aware of the horrors he has perpetrated, he will remove the mask and slip out of the public eye into a fabulous retirement on the after-dinner speaking circuit. This, after all, is where the man’s true talents lie.”

An unfortunate side-effect of the untested chemical composition of TrumpTan is, experts believe, the tendency to tweet random crap while sitting on the presidential throne.

“I will GET BREXIT DONE! The wicked Labs and the treacherous Remoaners are trying to obstruct justice again. Sad! They must never succeed! MAKE ENGLAND GREAT AGAIN!”

PMINO : Johnson to go on 10 day holiday with girlfriend because all that lying really takes it out of you

PMINO : It’s hard work lying your way into power. It’s even harder work lying your way into increased power.

“He needs some time off to recharge,” an aide to Boris ‘Field Marshall Wetherspoons’ Johnson told LCD Views, “he needs to lie down for a bit. Recharge. Wait for the news cycle to give him new things to lie about. He’s not really interested in running the UK anyway. That’s why Short Cummings chose him. Now Boris can swan about on an RAF jet with whosever his girlfriend is on any given day and let Dom remake the UK in his own image.”

But it won’t all be lie ins and games of hide ‘n seek.

“He will need to spend some time crank calling David Cameron of course. Then there’s the Queen to embarrass. Backers to pay back. Not to mention remodelling Downing Street as a torture garden and learning to hum the Benny Hill theme tune by heart. It won’t be all dodging arrest and no pay.”

There are also rumours of Mr Johnson taking up golf and remodelling his hair on Trumpesque lines.

“It’s a good thing he has sod all interest in the details of actual governance or the billionaires who have funded the think tanks may wonder what they’ve been paying for all these years.”

Indeed. When you want a front man, that’s all you want.

“Still, once the data is in and the micro targeting underway for the next round of mass manipulation there will be plenty for Boris ‘bread and circuses’ Johnson to do. Distract the plebs while we steal the rest of their gold and silver. Sort of a zero hours premiership with a few heavy days now and then.”

But while the man who is now prime minister may not be up to much, Global Britons can rest assured someone is watching their every move and guiding them accordingly.

No one would have believed that in the early years of the 21st century our world was being watched keenly and closely by minds immeasurably crueller than our own.

“Boris will be okay though,” the aide shrugged, “so long as there is a rock to hide under or a fridge to hide in when the going gets rough.”

We’d suggest the Johnson family Christmas dinner would be a heated and interesting event, but presumably the World King is going to hide from his brother and sister too.

Brexit Britain. Who runs it when the man who is supposed to spends his time far away? And just why does everyone think the next GE is five years away? You can con your way into power, but once there, you’ve no time to rest.

Priti Patel to personally turn off the heat in homes of people who criticise her on Twitter

PRITI LIKELY : Home Secretary Priti Patel hasn’t been seen much about the Home Office since the general election. The dull, concrete halls of the megalithic building have been without the sparkle and wit of one of the UK’s most famous reformed advocates of capital punishment. LCD Views have investigated (in our imaginations) and found out why.

“She’s started turning off the heat in the homes of people who’ve criticised her on social media,” our source in the Home reveals, “she’s been keeping a list. It’s a long one. But she’s working through it with diligence.”

The list itself is believed to have been modelled with a seasonal flair.

“It’s just like the one the all powerful gift overlord, Santafuhrer, keeps. It has a column ‘Naughty’ and a column ‘Good’. Except she’s titled the columns ‘SAURON SEES YOU AND YOU WILL BURN FOR YOUR BETRAYAL’ and ‘Those who are just following orders’. She’s had to rotate the A4 sheets lengthways just to fit in the header.”

But questions have been raised over on what authority the Home Secretary is using to justify her actions?

“Haven’t you seen the government’s majority? They can do what they like with us now. The British people have been patiently waiting for common sense to return to its politics, and governance in general, for the last few years. Which was nice of them. Now strong and stable government is back. She’s using the authority granted under a new law they haven’t passed yet.”

But it hasn’t been passed?

“So? Since when have Boris Johnson and his chums showed any inclination to stick to piddling norms like that? It’ll be passed in the fullness of time. This is what the voters get when they keep re-electing political parties to power who have demonstrated a complete absence of moral compass. Ms Patel was fired as a minister for running a secret foreign affairs policy. But allowed to remain an MP! Politicians will abide by the standards the public allows them to sink to.”

Oh, well that makes it alright. Will she turn your heat back on if you say something nice about her on Twitter?

“I can’t tell you that. The only accounts to do so have been bots.”

Rug up Global Britons. The new regime is a cold one.

Times up Boney! – New law says all UK clocks must show time only in GMT, especially ones labeled ‘Paris’

WHAT’S THE TIME MR WOLF : TAKE THAT BONEY! Great news today that the latest Boris Johnson government is to move swiftly to ensure Britain stays English.

For too long continental influences have been allowed to erode the certainty of patriotic British men, women and bull terriers over who is right about everything, and of course who is wrong.

Time to set things right.

To this end today’s Queen’s Speech will include a raft of measures to chase away the debilitating corrosion in our psychological infrastructure.

In many ways it’s snuck in unseen from across the channel as Brits accidentally made links with suspicious foreign subversives, while attempting to help out by shouting loudly enough to be understood. This has mostly occurred while buying bread that is the wrong shape.

“First up is time,” Mr F Magnet, Home Office, told LCD Views, “we all know that an Englishman invented time in Greenwich, some time ago, but then all these pale imitators across the Channel claimed to know what it was. Brass neck of them. They took proper clocks and put their own, incorrect, time on them. Then people started bringing those clocks back as souvenirs. That’s how they do it you see? Lull you into a false sense of security. Well it stops now!”

And it’s not just time that is being served.

“Have I mentioned bread? Painful subject. So many incorrect shapes for sale on the high streets these days. And presumably online. Well, no more! All bread will now be either breast, or bap shaped, or square. That way you can make sandwiches correctly.”

This is a great start. It can only help make a success of Brexit if correct culture is imposed by way of legislation.

“And don’t forget that greatest of English inventions. The chip! Anyone caught dipping a chip into mayonnaise will now be stoned.”

You what?

“Britain first! That’s the way we’ll run this government.”

How very Brexit.

Boris Johnson to wear military uniform to parliament

TIN AND POT : Newly elected President Boris Johnson has announced to the country that as part of ongoing government preparations for turning the UK into a banana republic, he is going to wear military uniform to parliament.

”He hasn’t decided on what rank to give himself,” Mr Cavalier, fruit shape policy aide at 10 Downing Street told us, “but clearly it’s got to be senior. Once he settles on what kind of general he is then we’ll have a parade.”

Will everyone be invited?

”They already are, whether they like it or not. But he has the overwhelming support of a majority of the British people for this change in style, both dress and management. He’s really just following the instructions of the people. This the people’s government, even if 53% of people who voted didn’t vote for it.”

I guess he’ll be needing medals too?

”Yes. He’s now many famous victories defending the motherland. He’s won the war on immigrants, with his senior aide Priti Patel. He triumphed over the poor, with the help of a bus driver’s son. He’s just destroyed a sense of financial security for millions, that was do or die. Imagine the chaos now if Ed Milliband hadn’t fallen into the bacon sandwich trap? And May’s predecessor Corporal Cameron had lost? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, and parliament will now be in permanent recess, as a mark of respect for General Johnson’s father’s wisdom.”

The people had a vote, once, they don’t need another. Long live the republic!

People bored of Brexit who voted for Johnson about to enjoy the most boring years of their lives

FIVE TEN FIFTY SAY IT AGAIN : EARLY ANALYSIS of the Boris Johnson victory in the general election suggests that once again a three word slogan, pretending to be a policy, did a lot of heavy lifting.

“Get Brexit Done?” our in house pollster asks, “I didn’t vote for it as it’s nonsense. But enough did. It is a neat trick. Champion a monumental, multi-year project to reshape the country as something as easy as changing your socks,

“Get that over the line,

“Claim the democratic mandate by ignoring the crime involved,

“Then, when it turns out to be a monumental, multi-year project that is almost impossible to implement, and when a big tranche of voters are getting bored of talking about it, just tell them you’ll get it done. Very helpful if your major opposition is championing a policy of dragging it out for much longer. Essentially pull the same con on just enough voters that you did the first time. Simplicity itself.”

And while anyone paying attention to the details of Brexit scoffed indignantly at the slogan, just enough people who can’t be bothered with the details of what they’re voting for, thought, yep, I’ll have some of that. Just get it done.

“May you live in interesting times? That old chestnut. Well, we do, whether we like it or not. But if you voted for Brexit because you’re bored of Brexit, you might want to take a moment to consider you’ve just voted to be bored to death, for years.”