Dilyn the Dog quits Downing Street claiming he was bullied by Larry the Cat

It’s a dog’s life. Yet another prominent figure has tendered his resignation amid allegations of bullying. This time it is not a mere unelected bureaucrat, but the highly influential Downing Street figure of Dilyn the Dog.

The named bully is none other than the once highly popular Larry the Cat. “Larry is always scratching, backbiting and leaving dead mice in my basket,” barked Dilyn. “It leaves me feeling ruff. Ruff, ruff, ruff.”

Dilyn isn’t the first inhabitant of Downing Street to be dogged by Larry. The malicious moggy is also facing accusations from Babe, David Cameron’s pet pig, and Boris the Downing Street poodle. He is also defending a class action from a number of harassed mice.

Larry has been stoutly defended by Downing Street. There is no way he will end up in the doghouse.

LCD Views managed to track down Babe to St Gammon’s Kill And Cure Rest Sty for Retired Swine. Babe was very forthcoming about her experiences with Larry.

“That cat was a right bastard,” snorted Babe. “He never left me and Dave alone in peace. I was employed to do just the one job for Dave, but Larry saw to it that my life was made hell. Every time we got down to business, and I use the term advisedly, he would scratch at the door and yowl. Every time Dave got his trousers up and opened the door, Larry would just sit there like he owned the place, be sick on my trotters and stalk out. I was in therapy for years after.”

Talk about making a silk ear from a sow’s purse. Or whatever.

As for the rodents, well it’s a cat and mouse situation. Spokesmouse Barry the Rat claimed that Larry was engaged in a vendetta against his family. “Constantly chasing us, killing us and frightening the children,” squeaked Barry indignantly. “We are permanently ratty, and haven’t stolen any of the Prime Minister’s cheese for weeks!”

Sorry, Dilyn. Life’s a bitch.

Grayling lands top intelligence job as he was “only one smart enough to work out pizza shops deliver ferries”

INTELLIGENCE MATTERS OR MAYBE NOT : COVID-19 FACED STIFF COMPETITION to hold the front pages today as the news broke that Boris Johnson had appointed Britain’s ‘Einstein’ Chris Grayling to head up the important Intelligence and Security Committee.

“It’s genius,” a Downing Street source, who normally looks after the 10 Downing Street rescue dog, commented, “Boris is desperate to give John Crace someone else to focus on. Grayling heading up the Intelligence committee? Wow! Talk about irony overload. The sketch writers will now completely ignore Johnson and his goings on. Classic Dom, as someone once said.”

The appointment also solves another tricky problem for Downing Street.

“The old boys must be looked after in the club, even the complete and utter idiots. Grayling excelled at taking money from the public coffers and putting them, by way of policy bungling, into private pockets. He has earned every bit of this new appointment.”

It will presumably make not releasing the Intelligence Report on Russian Interference into UK Democracy a breeze.

“Wait until he tries to photocopy that explosive tome and puts it in the microwave instead! No long grass needed. Boom! Up in smoke. Genius.”

Although there are some worrying signs early on with the switch from Grieve (overqualified and just irritating) to Grayling (perfection).

“Okay. There’s an early problem, but we’re sure by spending a few billion of the taxpayers’ hard earned coin we can sort it out and keep all customers happy.”

What problem could Grayling possibly have created? And this early on?

“He’s only gone and offered a free Intelligence Report on Russian Interference with every family size pizza ordered between now and December.”

‪Downing Street confirms plan to “level up” Coronavirus in UK until everyone gets it‬

VIRAL REDISTRIBUTION : Some things Tory MPs aren’t keen to share between rich and poor, like magic money tree inheritances, the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, and the profits from casino gambling with people’s pensions. But when it comes to a potentially lethal viral cold they appear much more generous.

“We’re levelling up Coronavirus,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, on the back of the news that Health Minister Nadine Dorries is the first high profile politician to be infected.

“So we’ve no plans to test minsters or the prime minister, or anyone that Dorries has been in contact with. At least not so far as we’ll admit publicly, because then everyone will expect testing.”

To this end large public gatherings are still going ahead. Jammed commuter services are still operating and schools remain the greatest place to catch a cold going.

“Also a full sitting of parliament today, with Dominic Raab looking like he’s having trouble negotiating a bad cold,” the spokesman nodded, “and then everyone back out to their constituency surgeries and swanky events. We’re British. We’re not Italian. Covid-19 knows this.”


“Look, we can’t have the panic until there’s something to panic over, like a pandemic,” the source continued, “an unwillingness to look reality squarely in the face and act in a preemptive fashion would make a failure of Brexit. It’s how we govern now. Don’t you like it? We definitely aren’t planning to explain to people how we will maintain all vital supplies and services in the event of the inevitable lockdown in a week or two. If they don’t go out and panic buy then how will we achieve record growth in the first quarter of 2020? Brexit stockpiling really gave the economy a boost.”

When pressed as to why mass public gatherings like the Cheltenham races were still going ahead, with 60,000 people in close contact on the first day, the spokesman shrugged.

“Horses can’t get Covid-19, any fool knows that.”

Downing Street demands French navy sink any British fishing vessel that strays into EU waters

Hook Line And Stinker : What you going to do? You have to take back control of your borders, especially the WET ones, especially the ones containing YOUR fish.

So goes the thinking inside the lairs of mad geniuses, located at Downing Street, the Kremlin, Washington and Tufton Street today, as they guide the United Kingdom into an entertaining, if somewhat slippery, future.

“It’s almost as if the mad, kleptomaniac, offshore, tax evading billionaire fuknuckles that have bought and paid for Brexit were so bored they thought, let’s see if we can get the English and French to have a war again? Let’s see if we can start it over fish? That’ll be the prize catch of Brexit,” suggests our very own fishy affairs expert.

“Or maybe they just wanted to really humiliate the UK? Just how stupid can we make it look, collectively, before it breaks apart into different low tax, zero regulation territories?”

But whatever the motivation, the warning from Downing Street to the EU that we’ve bought a couple of extra ships and we’re prepared to fire on the Continentals if we DON’T GET WHAT WE WANT, that warning will be heard.

“There is some appreciation thought of the even handedness of the latest bit of jingoistic nonsense in Brussels,” our EXPERT adds, “I mean they could just have warned we’ll sink the French! But to also request that they sink any of our fishing vessels that stray into their territorial waters? That shows the pragmatism that Brits are famous for hasn’t completely sunk without trace with Brexit.”

Johnson installs a harem in Number Ten so he can announce a Boris Baby every time bad news happens

Johnson means Johnson! The Procreating Premier has made preparations for the next time his government is obliged to announce bad news. The newly installed harem of busty blonde concubines will take it in turns to be impregnated by Bonking Boris.

This naturally means that the shambling shagger will be very busy indeed. Boris the man isn’t known for his hard graft, but Boris’s Johnson will be working double time.

In short, the lecherous leader has put himself out to stud. Expect a population explosion of bumbling blonde babies, who will expect to rise effortlessly through the strata of society. Cream rises, they say. Unfortunately, so do big shits.

There is a scale, of course. A prominent cabinet member bullying a respected senior official into constructive dismissal, one baby. Being forced to follow EU regulations after discovering that nobody wants to trade our substandard goods, two babies. Releasing the Russia Report will have to wait until one of the pneumatic brood fillies conceives triplets.

Some would have argued that the right man for the job was Jacob Rees-Mogg. However, the Georgian gravedigger sticks firmly to his Catholic morals, in bedroom matters at least. Although it is about time Mrs Rees-Mogg did her wifely duty and got up the duff again.

Instead the priapic Prime Minister has taken matters into his own hands. Well, maybe not literally into his own hands. In these desperate times every drop of Essence Of Johnson is a precious resource, and is not to be spaffed up the wall. Waste not, want not.

The recipients will allegedly be remunerated on a pay-per-poke basis. They will be employed on zero hours contracts, although more realistically they will actually be thirty second contracts.

It will require a supreme act of stamina from the aging Johnson, who is going to seed, just as he has done for his entire adult life.

And what do you imagine will he say to Carrie? Not tonight, dear, I’ve got a headache.

Boris Johnson to take paternity leave until 2024 general election

SOME MOTHERS DO ‘AVE ‘EM : The UK’s most famous father, committed family man, Alexander Boris words words words Johnson, has announced he will be taking paternity leave in anticipation of his latest child arriving.

“Mostly he’ll be stockpiling on wine. The staff can get the nappies in,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “all that crying in the middle of the night replaced by the mewling infant? The crackled nipples of the latest mother now out of bounds. It’s a tough gig, being a sperm donor. But there is the tangible benefit of knowing that Charles Darwin is looking at you and going, natural selection wins again! Way hey!”

The paternity leave will be more than standard, but that’s because Mr Johnson has earned it.

“He’s backdating his paternity leave allowance to account for all the children he hasn’t taken it for so far,” the source continued, “which basically puts him on leave until retirement.”

But he’s not a selfish man, he only intends to take a few years off.

“Dom will let him know when it’s time to get back to work,” the source added, “in the run up to the 2024 general election Mr Johnson will be back in front of the webcam proudly telling Global Britons that it’s the finest British mud they’re eating post Brexit, and to vote for him for another five years of having to decide whether or not to use that tin of food as a weapon while rioting, or to eat first, riot after?”

But surely the part-time prime minister, but full time dad, will need a slogan to rally the people behind him?

“It’s already sorted,” the source beamed, “Get Fathering Done! And then get it done with someone else. And then get it done with someone else again. Basically just keep getting it done with as many women as you can.”

Imagine what the right wing press would be saying about the expectant couple if they were working class? Father a known serial adulterer who refuses to say how many children he has, has already been taking to court to prove paternity of a child, the mother to be formerly his mistress, now his fiancee, before he’s finished divorcing his second wife, both of them put up at taxpayer’s expense…it’s a Daily Mail dream headline with anyone other than Boris.

UK preparing for Coronavirus by talking about its PM having another holiday

ASLEEP AWAY FROM THE WHEEL : We all know that plenty of sleep is necessary for a healthy immune system and Global Britons can work those zero hours contracts reassured that their prime minister’s immune system is in tip top shape.

“He’s spending the next few days preparing for the cold and fly battle ahead, the Battle of the Sniffles, if you will,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “I am personally encouraging this. While he is away I will dismantle the judiciary, so you can rest assured the work of governing for opaquely funded, American libertarian billionaires continues apace. The country will be ready for the asset fire sales of 2021, mismanagement of the country’s defences against a global pandemic can only assist in that.”

But while many will be reassured that all those billions from across the pond have brought the right people to the top, some are suggesting that the Prime Minister should chair a Cobra meeting before his holiday, just in case a plane load of achoo’s arrive in his absence.

“Nanny state nonsense,” the source countered, “the will of the people is for Boris Johnson to do what he does best, shirk his responsibilities and let functionaries do the heavy lifting, and make him look like he’s paying attention to anything other than his own selfish pleasures and personal advancement. It’s worked well this far.”

So there’s nothing to worry about. As you trundle in and out of the workplaces in overcrowded trains and buses, eyeball to eyeball with other Global Britons, just make sure you’ve some hand sanitiser on you. Once you get out of the carriage and can raise your arms again, give your hands a good scrub. And be sure to breathe out everything you breathed in.

“Don’t worry about old Al,” the source added, “he’s not worrying about you. He’s getting his beauty sleep. We’re not preparing for a global pandemic by talking about Boris Johnson having another holiday. Sometimes it just feels that way.”

All questions about Brexit can now be answered with “Yeah, but blue passports”

Brexit, like 42, is the answer to a question that can never be formulated, let alone asked. But questions can still be asked about it. The old default response, Yeah, but Corbyn, has been consigned to history. Much like Corbyn himself.

These questions still need an answer, though. Cunning Cummingses and brainy bots have been racking their brains for a suitable riposte.

“What we need,” as LCD Views imagined Dominic Cummings to have mused, “is a statement that will answer any Brexity question, however complicated. Like… Yeah, but… blue passports… Yes! I don’t think that there is a single Brexit-related question that it can’t answer. ‘What about the trade deal?’ ‘Yeah, but blue passports’. ‘Won’t Brexit irrevocably weaken our position in Europe, and indeed the world?’ ‘Yeah, but blue passports.’ I think I’ve got it!”

Programming the bots was a simple enough job, but the real fly in the ointment was Boris Johnson. Again, we picture Dom, now standing in front of Johnson. In his hand, a board with the phrases “Yeah, but blue passports” and “Yes” written in large letters.

“Now, Boris, read the words…”

“Drink! Girls! Feck!”

You know how it goes. Now you know why there has been no sign of Johnson for some time – he’s been learning his line.

In the unlikely event that Johnson attends Prime Minister’s Questions and a question about Brexit is raised, he will have an answer to hand. And online, anybody with the temerity to ask awkward factual questions will be bombarded with “Yeah, but we got are blue passports back innit and that’s what matters to me!” until they shut the feck up.

In the end it all comes down to your particular political religion. Which matters more? Freedom and sovereignty and kicking out all the foreigners, but being closed off and insular? Or belonging to a large bloc that operates on a global scale but requires some surrender of sovereignty in return?

Individual freedom or stronger together? Brexit or EU? That would be an ecumenical question.

Dominic Cummings accused of eating Boris Johnson

Where’s Boris? The infamous floppy-haired fridge dweller is rumoured to be toast. Almost literally.

At least we now know where the attraction to walk-in cold storage units comes from. It means the oven-ready dog’s dinner remains palatable that bit longer.

One of our prime ministers is missing, but that no longer matters. The entire cabinet is comprised of ciphers and placemen, who think they have been given the levers of power to pull. Like when you buy your child a toy dashboard so they can pretend to drive the car.

While Johnson has not been seen for some time, the alleged brains behind him is looking better than ever. Well fed and radiant, Dominic Cummings looks as stuffed as the country he presides over.

Cummings is a man who has fingers in a lot of pies. Or in this case, a lot of Boris Johnson’s fingers baked in a pie. Four and twenty, if you also count his toes and a few other random bits and bobs thrown in for good luck.

Cummings is said to have started with the brain. A shocked Downing Street “source” reported that the contents of Johnson’s skull was merely sufficient for an entree. His true brain resides in the trouser department, of course.

Not that the prime gammon minister will need that any more. His tendency to excess has been cured, by immersion in salt water.

Cummings is making a complete meal of things. The absence of the nominal head of government is raising questions. Can the body politic operate without a head? Or, will it behave like a hydra and sprout three more? That would be a lot for Cummings to swallow.

At least there will be one tangible benefit of Cummings’ cunning plan. Johnson, whom many regard as a very dangerous individual, has been rendered ‘armless.

Soon he won’t even have a leg to stand on either.

Some say that the whole Brexit business has torn the heart out of the country, so Cummings is symbolising this by tearing the heart out of his boss and eating it. What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the proper gander.

Cummings will not be consuming one part of Johnson. His bollocks will be fed to the general public.

Claims EU rules stopped UK dredging disproved by seeing who’s been dredged up from UK’s political swamp

SCRAPE THE BOTTOM AND JUST KEEP SCRAPING : BREXITERS, those ever reliable fonts of wisdom regarding EU rules and regulations, have once again gotten their knickers in a twist and a knot.

This time their ire has been turned onto the country’s waterways and what we can and can not do to them, according to those unelected, faceless Brusselcrats!

In particular, the flooding that has devastated large swathes of the UK is all the EU’s fault, so they say. Apparently some directive about not polluting arable land with heavy metal laden spoils has been taken as a LAW PROHIBITING dredging of rivers and swamps. Or something like that, it would take thirty seconds on Google to find out exactly, and who’s got time for that with all the outrage that needs expressing.

“It’s nonsense,” our resident expert on EU law clarifies, “you just need to take one look at the coterie of shite currently running the UK to be certain that dredging has been ongoing. And what’s been dredged up has been placed on the top.”

Perhaps the misdirection of outrage is there to stop people asking Where’s Boris? As the flood hit communities flounder. And where’s the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference? And how’s the Arcuri inquiry getting along? And who leaked the Darroch emails? And who paid for Boris Johnson’s £15,000 a week holiday? And..and…so on.

Next Brussels will be telling us we can’t scrape the bottoms of our barrels too! But only until the 31st of December 2020.

“It’s too late for that too,” our expert adds, “the barrel is well and truly scraped and the bottom dragged out. The digging equipment is into what lies underneath.”

And what is that?

“Why the swamp.”