Toby Young to cut ribbon at UK’s first Trump University campus

The government starts 2018 on the front foot today with the announcement that famous humanitarian, educator and self made man, Toby Young, is to take a break from spouting bollocks on Newsnight just long enough to cut the ribbon at the opening of the UK’s first Trump University campus.

This will be his first official action as a member of the newly created Office for Students, set up by the red tape hating Tories to enforce mind control over universities.

“It’s a first for Trump University too,” said Jo Johnson, the minister responsible for this obvious mess,

“Trump University has previously only had a physical presence in law courts across the pond. Toby’s involvement will give the fee paying public confidence.”

Mr Young is one of the more eye catching appointees to the Office for Students.

“Toby narrowly beat his soul brother Satan to the last slot,” added Jo, “after the four horsemen of the apocalypse took the other seats.”

We phoned Toby on his skull phone to see what he had to say,

“I am not a dalek,” Toby commented,

“The Office for Students will oversee the transformation of universities into mere channels for taxpayers money into tax havens, under the pretence of ‘value for money’, that old wag.

It will all be done in the manner of the successful privatisation of everything else neoliberal greed driven sociopaths that I worship get their hands on.

That’s the whole point of it. But we’ll employ a lot of catchphrases to pretend otherwise.”

So that’s encouraging.

“We’ll be doubling down on the success of the branding tie up with Trump universities too,” Mr Young added, “by using his brand appeal to encourage other great private enterprise successes to get involved in British higher education.

We want to see market forces really getting students value for money, but not an education.

A shit load of debt though.

Then back to your estate. It’s hilarious. How do we keep getting away with it?”

Southern Rail has been the first to express interest following today’s announcement.

“If Jo and Tobes are kind enough to let us run all universities in the southeast we promise, hand on heart, we’ll make all students run on time to tutorials and lectures.

Except for the frequently cancelled and delayed ones, of course.

And when it goes wrong we’ll happily accept public money to bail us out because that’s how the free market the Conservatives love works. All profit. No real risk. Thanks taxpayers!”

This is fantastic.

The university students of the future will be prepared for future employment by hearing each day of their higher education,

“Southern Rail are sorry to announce, the 9:30 lecture on modern European history and Neoliberal economics has been cancelled due to an excess of skyrocketing fees causing all potential students to stay at home…”

Homeless children sent a postcard of Hinkley Point C this Christmas to warm their cockles

The government has backtracked on not really giving a shit about the fate of homeless, undeserving poor children who don’t work hard enough this Christmas by sending them all a postcard of Hinkley Point C to “warm the little cockles of their hearts”.

“It’s outstanding,” a Home Office spokesbot sent a telegram to LCD to share in the warmth, “just imagine the joy on their frozen little faces when they receive an official postcard from her majesty’s government and realise we’ve invested enough money to solve their homeless issue in an untried nuclear reactor built with borrowed Chinese cash to try and stay in China’s good books when it comes time for every country on Earth to stuff us about on our tariff charter at the WTO. And, this reactor will most likely be mothballed by renewables before it’s completed.”

And given that every project of this nature blows out in time and money, the homeless kiddies of Christmases to come can also look forward to,

“More postcards of Hinkley Point C. Maybe even new customs posts with faulty, rushed IT set ups too.”

There is certainly scope to expand the scheme, nicknamed Homelessness means Homelessness,  into many areas of governance.

“The CPS has been hobbled by ideological austerity too,” the spokesbot added, “although you may have missed that as Brexit takes up all the news. There is not really one area of life which the government hasn’t stuffed to a serious degree. We could give the kids whole books of collectable stickers.”

If the poor children save the postcards and stickers carefully they may be able to sell them for profit in years to come.

“It could be the start of a nest egg that provides a deposit for one of the affordable homes which will be built inside the reactor core to meet requirements for cheap housing.”

Children are reminded that the postcards are not edible and maybe radioactive.

This is not to dissuade them from eating them.

“We don’t mind if they glow in the dark.” The government staffer said, “it makes it easier for the bleeding heart snowflakes to find them and do our job of caring for them for us.”

Woman facing questions for flogging a dying horse

A woman previously noted for being a wellspring of compassion is facing tough questions today after being caught flogging a dying horse.

The horse in question appears to change its coat depending on which perspective you look at it, but it’s definitely, currently, on its last legs.

“Shortly after midday today a middle aged lady who is regarded publicly as a bleeding heart, especially for people in need whatever their background, was caught on camera flogging a dying horse,” a spokesman for the RSPPCA told LCD.

It appears the horse in question has had numerous owners throughout its long life.

“Parliamentary democracy is a name an earlier owner called the horse. It’s also being called Truth, Fact, Evidence based assertions, Accountability and Select committees, just to list a few names.”

Strong and Stable was another handle given to the ailing steed, but this was exceptionally short lived.

“She has form in this regard too,” the spokesman continued, “She is rumoured to have completely and totally flogged to death another widely known horse called Labour’s record in government. This horse was so old by the time it felt the whip, that it expired upon feeling the whip.”

Although it should be noted, for the purposes of balance worthy of the Beeb, that political opponents of the woman in question are known to deviate now and then from their central task of finding out if the woman is up to anything untoward, to lash out at What Nick Clegg did, even though, what Tony Blair did a few years earlier makes eternal damnation of the former’s political party hypocritical.

“We trust this woman will be stopped before she can inflict greater harm on Parliamentary democracy. While not the only specimen on the planet, it’s the only example of it in the United Kingdom and it will be preferable to stop her beating it before it dies.”

If she’s stopped it’s likely a fresh horse called The Tories record in government will start to feel the whip, and it will take some beating.

Stage play “The Idiot Menace” slammed for being too long and full of actors who haven’t read their lines

Star Wars stage adaptation “The Idiot Menace” has been slammed by theatregoers and critics alike for being too long and full of actors who have clearly not learned their lines.

“I doubt they even know the plot,” LCD’s only intern, S Fork, commented, “it’s an invitation to watch a bunch of overpaid soon to be has-beens shuffle about the stage praying for the curtain to fall and put them out of their misery. And there’s no intermission!”

Criticism has also been levelled at the government’s lavishing of state funding on the staged drama.

“You know the sub is now up to £350M a week! Apparently it’s supposed to be reviving live theatre in the country, by giving control back to amateur theatrics, but I can’t see how. Any group applying to share the funding is told it’s already all allocated and not to waste time applying that could be better spent queuing for a GP.”

It’s not a situation likely to improve anytime soon. Rumoured firing of the cast and replacement with a whole swathe of alternative actors mid-season is constant, but thought unlikely.

“This play is a poisoned chalice to anyone silly enough to dorectvit. I could think of how to spend the money better. Rumour had it the choice was between sending Liam Fox on a trade mission to Oumuamua or this play.”

There is support from the Daily Mail, the Sun and the ever considered Telegraph.
“Apparently if you don’t go and see ‘The Idiot Menace’ you’ve joined a paramilitary outfit committed to ending theatre as we know it. At least, according to the Telegraph.”

It would perhaps have been preferable to spend the spare cash on launching Doctor Fox into space chasing after a flying cigar. At least something would arguably have been gained.

Tickets are still available for this afternoon’s matinee, but it’s likely to reveal the all star cast have still not studied the script. If you go, take some rotten fruit to throw!

Gov under no pressure to publish impact assessment on lying and incompetence in public office

The government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland was breathing a heartfelt sigh of relief today after pressure eased to publish their impact assessment on dishonesty and incompetence in public office.

“There’s really no need to publish,” a red faced spokesman for Downing Street advised LCD, “it’s plain as day for everyone to see what the impact is, just look at the pound or universal credit.”

The significant saving in stationery costs added to the relief, as it frees up more paper in austere times for David Davis to practice his resignation letter excuses on.

“Also the prime minister. Boris Johnson. Damien Green. Liam Fox and others. It’s really good. People have taken to raiding the paper trays of the office printers, but now we can redistribute the paper we had set aside and let them get on with sentences that begin with, ‘it is with deep regret and a lovely pension that I…’”

And they will need to get drafting as the impact of their combined dishonesty and incompetence is currently enraging significant portions of the electorate and having a negative impact on people’s lives. And it’s not just issues relating to Brexit, pretty much every sector of life has been shafted by endemic incompetence which only serves tax havens. Have a look at the forensic service, just for something different.

“It’s not all bad though,” the spokesman reassured, “imagine if you always dreamed of working for a company on continental Europe, but you’ve been holding off out of fear of what your mum would say?

Now, if you’re one of the lucky millions in the next couple of years, when they tell you your job is moving to France or Germany or wherever, you might be able to go with, because Mum, it’s my job.

And then, once you’ve been resident in an EU member state for a few years you maybe able to apply for permanent residency and then citizenship and escape Brexitannia’s daily singing of the new national anthem to keep head of state Rupert happy.”

Once Brexit occurs there will be no economy anymore so there is no need for impact assessments

The prime minister has moved this evening to shore up the position of her embattled Brexit secretary by clarifying that once they have successfully done Brexit the UK economy will cease to exist, so there is no need for impact assessments.

“Look, everyone knows David Davis is composed of equal parts piss and wind,” a surprisingly frank spokesman for Downing Street advised, “but that’s why he was chosen to be Brexit Secretary.”

They went on to illuminate that we’ll all be so busy trying to untangle the ever changing bluffs and excuses of Mr Davis that we won’t realise the clock has run out until the whole country falls off the famous cliff.

“Once we have successfully begun freefalling down to the glorious rocks of imperial nostalgia, in which Britain just bosses the world for their treasures, the economy will be finished. Thus, anytime spent on impact assessments would have been wasted.”

This makes Davis a visionary and an energy conservationist.

“We will easily be able to do any impact assessment after the impact and it will be a lot more accurate.”

As to whether or not the government has rigged select committees by loading them with useful idiots who will decide Davis is not in contempt of parliament because he couldn’t have delivered the assessments because he never ordered them made, is up to individual voters to decide.

“They should order an impact assessment on their chances of being re-elected after holding the entire country and its future in contempt,” LCD’s Democracy in Action correspondent suggested, before wondering how David Cameron is getting on these days in his fancy shed?

Woman who thinks she is British prime minister reminded she’s not by phone call from Northern Ireland

The woman who thinks she is the British prime minister was reminded she is not earlier today by a phone call from her boss in Northern Ireland.

The woman in question was due to announce a breakthrough in the stalled Brexit negotiations with the EU when she was stopped in her tracks by her mobile ringing.

The ringtone is reportedly ‘Ode to Joy’, chosen in a moment of ironic good humour on the weekend when she thought they’d finally scribbled down a way to keep everyone happy on the back of an envelope someone found rolled up and shoved into an empty fag packet.

“Arlene didn’t like what her junior intended to offer on the grounds it is ideologically impure,” an intern working at Downing Street told LCD, “so I think she got on the blower and told May no way, unless you can shake down the money tree for £2Bn Euros. It’s also possible that she is concerned, from her political standpoint, that an exception for Northern Ireland that puts the customs border in the Irish Sea does make a unified Ireland more likely.

But Arlene will probably be surprised to discover that Brexit itself is going to do that regardless because it’s a wrecking ball smashing into the UK and will break it into pieces.

It’s why Dave Cameron buggered off in gutless haste. So maybe, if you don’t want NI to leave the UK, stop supporting Brexit.”

While it is a little embarrassing for Ms May to have the rug pulled from under her feet at the last moment, it has most likely saved her from working out how to say she was prepared to cut a special deal for one region of the UK, on the very real grounds of risks to people being hurt, but every other region will have to carry on and be economically ruined.

No more so because of the possible disproportionate shift of investment and jobs to Northern Ireland to remain in the sanity of the single market and customs union.

“Arlene has saved her own region from a lot of potential employment by her insistence that where she lives must go over the cliff edge with the whole show.”

It’s not imagined what the solution will be now to progress Brexit negotiations to the stage where the much larger economic power of a bloc of nearly half a billion people with some massive economies becomes the first to offer the U.K. a take it or get stuffed trade deal.

“May will work out how to get through to the stage where it is really clear her agenda completely disempowers the UK internationally, and that taking back control means taking it from the UK and gives it to ten people in Northern Ireland temporarily before handing it lock, stock to anyone who cares to boss it.

It’ll just take a bit more time. But stick with her. She’s bound to have another bright idea any moment that will lead to another catch 22 in which the UK comes out looking like a bunch of headless chickens again. It what’s we do now.”

Immigration rule change shock threatens to deport MPs on basis of having too few skills

LCD Views has heard from a source inside the Home Office that proposed changes to the immigration rules on skilled worker entry after Brexit is causing alarm as it will see all pro-Brexit MPs deported as none of them possess sufficient skills allowing them to stay.

“It’s a nightmare,” our source revealed, “when they were drafting the new rules they forgot to include ‘inheriting lots of money and privilege’ as a skill.”

The inclusion of this would not have secured the right to remain in the U.K. for all pro-Brexit MPs after March 2019, but it would have secured the majority.

“Really no one saw any of this coming. Apparently tying your shoelaces alone isn’t counted by any sectors of industry as a high skill. So that’s more Brexit backing MPs at risk.

Almost being able to blink both eyes together isn’t what anyone is looking for. Running a political coup to serve offshore interests is not even deemed valuable.

Gove successfully had ‘stabbing people in the back in politics’, but it was deemed to actually be a negative skill by the computer. Davis managed to have ‘hiding important pieces of paper under chairs’, but again, no one actually wants that in the broader economy. Theresa May personally jammed, ‘turning in circles all the time’, but apparently we already have tools called drills that do it. Automation has taken over her key skill.

We’re at a real loss.”

Further complications are bound to arise with the new rules regarding the heritage required to maintain citizenship.

“Anyone foreign or with foreign background. It’s creating more problems! Apparently, as Brexitiannia will only be for ‘proper British people patriot missiles’ anyone with a sniff of foreign blood is going to be deported.

But when we did a sample test we found the majority of the population is on a boat at Dover on the 30th March 2019.”

Still, it’s not all lost, one potential upside will be an alleviation of the problem of food rotting in fields, as there won’t be anyone in the country left to feed.

“We’re going to have to take skills out of the entry requirements or we’ll lose a big piece of Westminster overnight. How would the country manage to govern itself without pro-Brexit MPs?”

Rescue teams continue to scour Westminster for bad news buried yesterday under the media landslide

LCD Views reports live from the scene today that rescue teams are continuing to scour Westminster for bad news that was abruptly buried yesterday under the media landslide of a royal wedding.

“It’s chaos down here. A big shiny thing has grabbed the attention of the mainstream media and most are failing to notice several elected representatives rushing out with shovels and pieces of paper to bury bad news under the cacophony of the announcement that a couple of people are going to tie the knot and everyone else is going to pay for it.”

It’s believed the biggest potential casualty of the landslide caused by Harry and Meghan was expected (by David Davis) to be his handing over of a heavily edited, recently written school assignment to his tutors.

“He’s a bit miffed. He actually had till today to hand in his work, after getting an extension because he didn’t finish it on time because he was out playing with his friends rather than doing his homework. But he figured when the great big shiny thing happened he would slip it out yesterday and hardly anyone would notice he still hasn’t finished it and he would get top marks,” said a breathless friend of the DExEU secretary.

Also buried under the landslide yesterday was something about sanitary products not going into schools, some other stuff about benefits, and oh, who knows? Look under the rubble! Look especially under the rubble for government press releases hastily pushed out after a couple of kids told everyone they’re tying the knot and you’re not invited!

LCD Views will go on the record and wish them both well and that they have a happy wedding day and live happily ever after, while maintaining our general bafflement at monarchy as a cosmic event. No one in the editor’s office would have wanted to have been born royal. Good luck to them.

Now, if Harry and Meghan could just step to the side so we can search the news rubble underneath them…

New Ministry of Bollocks established to help make a success of government

LCD Views can announce this morning on behalf of the new Ministry of Bollocks that the government has created a new Ministry of Bollocks.

The primary function of the new ministry will be to produce all bollocks for all ministries of government.

“This will avoid any accusations of dodgy dealings with dubious external think tanks operating as fronts for people who really only have the United Kingdom’s best interests at heart,” K. Hoey MP, Secretary of State for Bollocks advised LCD.

It’s believed the industrial strategy outlined today is the first major work of Hoey’s department, although she is generously allowing others to take the credit.

“Of course our primary function will be Brexit and producing catch phrases to convince the voters that they all support it. But, we will be lending a hand in all areas of government.”

But critics have attacked the government for waste of valuable resources at a time of strain for the public purse.

“It’s a fair criticism to level,” LCD’s own Bollocks correspondent said, “Try and think of one area of public life in which the government is involved directly in that isn’t currently described as being in a crisis? Everything is in a crisis. From defence to forensics to apprenticeships to the NHS and on.”

It’s a fair critique of the current crop deciding the fate of the country.

“They would do better to rationalise resources and merge all ministries into one gigantic Ministry of Bollocks.”

It’s thought Hoey is sympathetic to that, but would resist any move due to the fierce competition that would occur as senior government figures engaged in a struggle to displace her.

“It’s nice that they’ve gifted the job to UKIP’s only Westminster MP though. Kate must be feeling very proud. A new industrial strategy that pretends nothing negative will come from Brexit is a really exceptional work of bollocks.”