The government starts 2018 on the front foot today with the announcement that famous humanitarian, educator and self made man, Toby Young, is to take a break from spouting bollocks on Newsnight just long enough to cut the ribbon at the opening of the UK’s first Trump University campus.
This will be his first official action as a member of the newly created Office for Students, set up by the red tape hating Tories to enforce mind control over universities.
“It’s a first for Trump University too,” said Jo Johnson, the minister responsible for this obvious mess,
“Trump University has previously only had a physical presence in law courts across the pond. Toby’s involvement will give the fee paying public confidence.”
Mr Young is one of the more eye catching appointees to the Office for Students.
“Toby narrowly beat his soul brother Satan to the last slot,” added Jo, “after the four horsemen of the apocalypse took the other seats.”
We phoned Toby on his skull phone to see what he had to say,
“I am not a dalek,” Toby commented,
“The Office for Students will oversee the transformation of universities into mere channels for taxpayers money into tax havens, under the pretence of ‘value for money’, that old wag.
It will all be done in the manner of the successful privatisation of everything else neoliberal greed driven sociopaths that I worship get their hands on.
That’s the whole point of it. But we’ll employ a lot of catchphrases to pretend otherwise.”
So that’s encouraging.
“We’ll be doubling down on the success of the branding tie up with Trump universities too,” Mr Young added, “by using his brand appeal to encourage other great private enterprise successes to get involved in British higher education.
We want to see market forces really getting students value for money, but not an education.
A shit load of debt though.
Then back to your estate. It’s hilarious. How do we keep getting away with it?”
Southern Rail has been the first to express interest following today’s announcement.
“If Jo and Tobes are kind enough to let us run all universities in the southeast we promise, hand on heart, we’ll make all students run on time to tutorials and lectures.
Except for the frequently cancelled and delayed ones, of course.
And when it goes wrong we’ll happily accept public money to bail us out because that’s how the free market the Conservatives love works. All profit. No real risk. Thanks taxpayers!”
This is fantastic.
The university students of the future will be prepared for future employment by hearing each day of their higher education,
“Southern Rail are sorry to announce, the 9:30 lecture on modern European history and Neoliberal economics has been cancelled due to an excess of skyrocketing fees causing all potential students to stay at home…”