Category: Governing the people

Nadine Dorries, powerbroker for the stars of politics, has met the 1922 committee this afternoon to table David Davis’s demands before he’ll let the Tories make him Britain’s laziest prime minister.

”Zero hours contract,” Nadine threw down the gauntlet, tripped over it, spun in a circle, before landing on her backside, “and a RAF plane on standby to fly David to a 24hour bar 24:7. Also a luxury flat next to every pub in England, just in case he’s too trollied to be flown home after a gruelling day lifting pints.”

Runours have been growing like the mass fiddling of employment statistics lately of a push to replace hardworking Beta Brexit PM Theresa May with a work shy blowhard, in order to help make a success of Brexit.

”The tyrannical EU has met its match in Davis,” Nadine continued (on Twitter), “his SAS training is why he quit as Secretary of State for Exiting the EU after two years and a total of fcuk all work. But full pay, benefits and all the perks of someone actually doing the job. By quitting he’s tricked Barnier into letting his guard down. Those garlic loving fools think it’ll be easy to crush the U.K. now, but wait to see the looks on their faces when David emerges in camo paint from 10 Downing Street with a broken beer bottle in each hand.”

What May can do to stop the coup within the coup and keep Davis at bay is anyone’s guess. But we suggest rapid legislation to tie a Prime Minister’s salary to hours worked on a pro rata basis would probably see off David Davis.

LCD Views has the results just in from a shock poll conducted by all major British news outlets which has revealed that a record number of Brits now envy the Irish.

“Britons want their [Irish] government,” poll-meister Professor North, of North and South University (they have campuses at both John O’ Groats and Lands End),

“which is a bit of a surprise as polls from as recently as the 22 June 2016 showed a record number of Brits didn’t even realise Ireland had a government, they just assumed, well, they didn’t really think about it much. Dublin equals Guinness, that was about it. Oh, and leprechauns of course. Maybe a bit of Riverdance if the knowledge is broader than usual. But that’s been standard behaviour for an overwhelming majority of Britons (roughly 52%) and the rest of the colonised world for decades. A lot don’t even realise they don’t still control most of the world, as evidenced by expectations for how things will play out after Brexit.”

But it seems the manner in which the Irish government has been dealing with Brexit has changed opinions all the way from “whaa?” over to “emerald green with envy”.

“The Irish have been all grown up and getting prepared and helping people out and leveraging their alliances and actually concerned about the GFA and all that means. It’s basically shown up what a shambles Westminster is now it’s run by a hard right coup with a hard left one hanging about the edges hoping to take over. This has made people jealous. This has changed attitudes.”

And the change in attitude is likely to have an impact immediately on the Republic of Ireland itself.

“There’s already a tsunami of applications for Irish passports from famous shoe in Irishmen like Andrew Bridgen MP,” Professor North went on, “and also about 160,000 regular and sane people who want to continue to enjoy freedom of movement in the European family after Brexit, but don’t have a spare million sitting about to buy a Maltese passport, but they did once know someone who owned an Irish Setter.”

But surely it would just be better to close down the House of Commons at Westminster and apply for direct rule from Ireland?

“That would clearly work in everyone’s favour. Maybe easier though just to set up a system where sane and progressive Brits can be formerly adopted by Irish families until such time as the government of the United Kingdom ceases to be an incompetent, xenophobic shit show. I suggest we put it to a vote.”

LCD Views has another exclusive today with the announcement that Britain’s greatest former prime minister, Dave ‘trotters’ Cameron, has opened a halfway house in France specifically for cabinet ministers fleeing Brexit.

“As soon as that clock hits eleven pm on the twenty ninth of March next year, they’ll all be off like cockroaches fleeing a sudden bright light,” Dave told us, while stood out front of the modest chalet he’s turned into a refuge for old friends, “and they’ll need all the cracks and crannies to squeeze into they can find.”

We can’t reveal the exact location of the house for fleeing cabinet ministers, as Dave doesn’t want it overwhelmed with expats seeking autographs, but we can reveal the name.

“Trotters, of course!” a beaming Dave said, “if you’re opening an establishment that you hope to leverage appeal for with your personal brand, well, you’ve got to pick a name that resonates and makes people imagine you.”

But is it just Tories that will be welcome to hide out, or is Dave willing to welcome former parliamentary colleagues from across the lower house?

“No SNP, that’s bloody obvious. Clegg has half a chance, now he’s decided to tarnish his own brand rebuild by getting fruity about freedom of movement. It’d be nice if he dropped by, it would really cheer the Tories hiding out up. We can reminisce about stitching him up and just how wide eyed and naive he was. Corbyn is clearly welcome. He doesn’t want to be PM anyway, he just wants to get the old disaster socialist project over the line. Take power out of the chaos and hand the reigns over to McDonnell. You see what McDonnell does with Henry VIII powers! Wow! Brexit isn’t going to happen unless they stay steadfastly committed to it, if they act like HMG’s loyal opposition the whole house of cards could collapse, no, they need to appear to sit on the largest fence post ever built, while never, ever mentioning all the criminality and political interference in the post-ref police enquiries. May and the old commies make quite a team!”

And how will former MPs and cabinet ministers pass the time, while waiting to hear the public investigations are all in the long grass and they can go home?

“We’re going to ride pigs. That’s well wicked fun. We’ll all do our Enoch Powell impersonations to entertain passing kids. Foot races clearly. You saw how fast I moved on the 24th June 2016? Knowing I had totally screwed the pooch! I’d be surprised if even David Davis can run faster them me.”

Screwing the pooch? That sounds like a game you and your mates could play.

“Don’t be silly. We’re trotters not woofers. Now, if you don’t mind me I’ve got to stare at a pile of blank pages I promised to turn into a memoir.”

How’s that coming along?

“You try writing a memoir that ends in complete and utter failure and come back and ask again.”

Well, at least Trotters is certain to be a roaring success!

“It’s odds on. I’m having hoodies made with the Conservative Party logo, the burning tree on them. That way, when I shout ‘hug a hoodie’ no one will get sick in their mouth when they do it.”

Good luck Dave!

“Catch me if you can!”

The government has some timely advice for anxious middle class families considering stockpiling food in preparation for a No Deal Brexit.

”Don’t,” Dominic Raab, Secretary of State for Seeing Through Criminal Conspiracies, told LCD Views, “why waste precious pounds on pot noddles when you should be arming yourself to the teeth instead?”

The call to arms issued by the Secretary of State, has been echoed by cabinet colleagues.

”I’ve been practising horse riding on a giant stag,” Sajid Javid told us also, “and I’ve bought a replica cavalry lance. Clearly I will have all the protection I need when the food rioting really gets exciting, being Home Secretary, but I might like to run through a few hoodies just for the thrill of it.”

Andrea Leadsom was next up.

”I purchased this sawn off shotgun down a back street near Waltamstow Market. I even got the old geezer who sold it to me to throw in some additional boxes of rounds by threatening to have him arrested. Clearly as a cabinet minister I’ll have all the protection I need when cars start burning in the streets, but I have natural maternal instincts. I’ll be protecting my family myself, if only for the sheer fun of it.”

But what are middle class families to do, who may not even now have the spare money for arms and ammunition? How are they to stop the poor streaming down from the estates to loot their larders?

”They should have thrown themselves more vigorously behind the bedroom tax and other measures designed to drive the undesirable classes out of built up areas,” Matt Handcock shrugged, “I would suggest they buy a home defence app. Cyberdine Systems have some amazing class based home defence, smart phone, web based home protection measures. I’ve been flying around the world testing them all out instead of preparing for the looming NHS winter crisis.”

But what if the Russians hack the hell out of our internet just after Brexit and make such applications inoperable?

”Well, you better spend your time sharpening some stakes. When the food queues realise there isn’t any food left, it’s going to get ugly. Fat lot of good a house full of pot noodles is going to do you when they smash in your front door with an axe.”

So there we are. When choosing how to prepare for a no deal Brexit, the best advice is clearly to be prepared to fight.

”Or flight,” Matt adds, “which is what every single MP from across the parties that are bringing you this completely avoidable catastrophe will do.”

These days you can’t move for Boris Johnson opening his mouth about something or other, but his latest outburst is an odd one even by his standards.

His latest tirade has been against the month of May, saying it should not share its name with, in his words, “the most incompetent prime minister this party has ever had.”

“It’s ridiculous,” he said. “Why should she of all people have a whole month with her name on it? She doesn’t deserve that!”

Jacob Rees-Mogg too has backed this claim to rename the month. His suggestion is for it to be renamed Mogg, “simply because it’s another short name with the same initial letter.”

Theresa May herself has criticised the idea, saying,

“The month of May has been so named for centuries. The fact that it is also my surname is ultimately a coincidence. But really, it is the most strong and stable month, so it is very appropriate really.”

A compromise option has been suggested by Jeremy Corbyn, namely that of swapping it around with April so that April Fools day is now May Fools Day. This idea was met with criticism, in that switching a couple of month names over would be pointless. After this he revised his suggestion to adding a May Fools Day on either March 29th or June 23rd.

Of course we could have both, but give them different names. Call March 29th May Fools Day, and June 23rd Cameron Fools Day. That could work.

Her Majesty’s Government, which governs without majesty but with a pathological addiction to cruelty in governance, has been forced today to push its newest minister out across the country’s radio and TV shows to deny something.

”I deny it categorically,” Mrs Push-Me-Pull-You, MP for Scat-on-Plates, told a credulous John Humphrys, “At no point has Downing Street created a Ministry for Denying Reality.”

Mr Humphrys could be heard nodding along, comfortable in the cerebral cholesterol cotton wool of confirmed bias and great age (of the kind which need bother not with inquiries that may confront preconceived notions).

”But has any other street created a Minister for Denying Reality?” Humphrys asked, slowly, “I have an A to Z somewhere, I can check.”

The Secretary of State for Denying Reality simply shrugged, which was transmitted by the BBC to a grateful nation, by way of a pre-recording of doves cooing.

”So that’s that then, at no point has HMG created a Ministry for Denying Reality.”

”I wouldn’t be doing my job if I confirmed it. So you’re correct John,” The Secretary of State for Denying Reality confirmed, “and if any journalist proves otherwise we trust our good Lexiter friends on the Labour benches to blame it on Blair, Brown, the Libdems and presumably that hippy from the Green Party. She’s getting too popular. Although I will add in a professional capacity, I deny she even exists.”

It was an important clarification. Also the additional denials that £500M a week is now being spent on the denial of reality, and that thousands of civil servants have been recruited to work in the ministry, instead of a more worthy cause like curing homelessness. Hired purely based on whether or not a mirror fogs when held close to their mouth.

Mr Humphrys then thanked the minister.

”I deny this interview even took place,” the minister replied.

”Next up I’ll be shouting we have to wrap up this interview with Lord Adonis, the moment it begins, while simultaneously screaming remoaner at him for balance,” John purred, and his producer Ms Sands gave him a pat on the back.

Jeremy Corbyn is wasting no time, which is unusual, in responding to his colleague Theresa May’s naked grab for his own support base.

In an op-ed piece published exclusively in the new look Daily Mail today he makes his own appeal for support from Conservative voters.

”Who was it that called for the immediate trigger of Article 50 after the June 23rd 2016 EU referendum?”

He begins on the front foot.

”Who was it that three line whipped his MPs to trigger Article 50, acting as ally to a beleaguered prime minister in this matter? Before, and this is very important to understand, any serious analysis or preparation of the implications of the decision had been undertaken by the government it is my job to hold to account in our adversarial parliamentary system.”

He follows with a left jab.

”Indeed, who was it who denied their own party whip to vote for an EU ref in 2011, alongside my allies on the Tory benches. Even though we were unsuccessful then, we didn’t give up on Brexit. We fought on.”

He lands a blow some will call low.

”And who is it now who has carried on with ‘constructive ambiguity’ on Brexit even as the jobs and investment and skilled people drain away from the United Kingdom, alongside our internal reputation.”

Good questions.

”My supporters say I can’t do anything about Brexit because I am not in government. For this reason I have also dropped my opposition to austerity and universal credit. Because I can’t do anything about it but watch passively as the Tories tear our social fabric to shreds. I am powerless. But I am also your friend.”

He then completes his appeal with a head butt.

”If you examine my record properly on Brexit, my conservative friends, you will find a natural home for the euroskeptic in today’s modern, 1970’s Labour Party. By pledging to end freedom of movement and withdraw from the single market, your Labour Party, led by me, has succeeded in assisting the Conservatives in throwing the lives of millions into turmoil on either side of the channel,

So in the general election pegged for this December, vote for me, your very own bad Santa.”

Theresa May (Extreme Tory) PM is set to appeal for support from Labour and centre voters by continuing to deny they even exist.

”It’s important to get on with the job of governance,” Mr Stock Holm, an aide to the PM, told LCD Views, “this is made a touch difficult after alienating all your support.”

But…

”But by denying the existence of the centre of British politics (evidenced by every policy decision taken since 2016), and the ground to the left and right, we can do that more fully by tapping into the voters on the far right. Which curiously means Labour voters currently as Labour leaders are also supporting the far right by pursuing Brexit.”

But that is not all?

”They share the most memes. The extremes. Theye are good at memes. Also, by appealing to Labour, it makes governing easier, because most active Labour activists are really bloody easy to distract,

”Start a story that the “leader” planted an illegal variety of turnip in his allotment that is only found in a Soviet era gulag and they’ll obsess over that smear for weeks. This leaves us free to continue our policy of making everything required to run society user pays, while still increasing taxes by stealth for those who can’t evade them. Of course many users can’t pay. This allows Darwinian forces to rid us of the lazy.”

The appeal to Labour and the centre will be made directly via editorials in right wing, tax dodger owned tabloid, propaganda rags.

”It’s sure to hit home. With the far right. Which are supported by the far left. As the centre doesn’t exist, proven by the loss of our majority in the 2017 GE, and the surge of green and orange voteshare at the local elections, we’ll be able to govern by further dodgy deals with minority forces in British politics. This will make our policies more extreme, which will further appeal to the far right. And distract the far left. Making them more vitriolic and less likely to attract swing, centre support. This is fine as the centre doesn’t exist. This all makes perfect sense.”

But what of the danger from the far left of British politics also denying the centre doesn’t exist?

”Oh, Yes, it’s a risk alright. Good old comrade Corbs and his policy of also leaving the single market to stop all those job thieves crossing the English Channel, he is also denying the centre exists. He’s also alienating his support slowly. But he’s pleasing the far right. But it will be okay, if we can just cling onto power long enough a lot of his voters will get fed up and won’t know who to vote for at all. Which is alright, for the far right.”

Who no one is denying the existence of?

”Clearly. As Brexit means Brexit and that’s a policy that unites. As you can see, it’s all very straightforward. We both main parties committed to Brexit there is no need for an actual policy fight.”

In a shock announcement, the next series of Strictly Come Dancing will include dancing robots. Appearing alongside C3PO, Kryten, K-9 and Marvin, will be the Maybot 2.0©.

Insiders reveal that the Maybot 2.0© will dance the cha-cha-cha to the tune of Dancing Queen. Strictly judge Yubin Tangoed remarked, “It’s a brave new era for Strictly. The new range of automatons can dance at least as well as the average numpty who once appeared in series two of TOWIE.”

A battalion of programmers is reputedly on standby. The Maybot 2.0© is capable of repetitive, if clichéd, moves. In order to win, something resembling soul and rhythm will need to come to the fore.

“Soul and rhythm do not come naturally to the Maybot 2.0©,” said automaton designer Rob Ottix. “It was a GPS prototype. That’s Genuine Political Speaker, by the way.”

The Maybot 2.0©’s voice sequencer was based upon that utilised for years by Professor Stephen Hawking. It has a female voice equally devoid of nuance and inflection. Earlier models (e.g. the Maybot 1.3©) ran on wheels, like R2D2. One witty designer dubbed it “T2M2”. However walking technology was utilised, with some success. “Even so, the Maybot 2.0© walks like a constipated giraffe,” remarked Ottix.

The breakthrough came after a designers’ party at which they consumed large quantities of soft drinks and played Dungeons And Dragons. “The sugar caused the winners to spontaneously perform a dance,” revealed Ottix. “And we thought, we could programme the Maybot 2.0© to dance! What a night. By 5am the sugar had worn off, but the Maybot 2.0© could dance. Well, sort of.”

“Unfortunately, its movements were still rather jerky and uncoordinated,” Ottix continued. “However, we had set ourselves a deadline because Strictly entries had to be made later that morning. So there was no time to refine the algorithms.”

The Maybot 2.0© believes that it can win. In this case, though, it may truly be that No Dance is better than a Bad Dance.

“A No Deal Brexit risks the dead killed by austerity rising and walking again,” warned Phillip Hammer Them Hammond, UK’s head undertaker, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views today.

”We didn’t drive people mad, sad and bad with eight years of punish the poor, right wing, misguided financial punishment, so we didn’t have to go after our friends the casino bankers and tax dodgers,  just to ruin it all now by turning the people we drove into an early grave into a battalion of Lazarus.”

The Undertaker paused, smiled, perhaps wistfully for the early years.

”I remember how my heart sang when George Osborne began shaming the poor, the unemployed, the curtain twitchers. Let’s give them communal shame. That’ll improve the stats.”

He suddenly cupped his hands, as if waiting to catch rain drops.

”The bedroom tax was a master stroke. People with more spare rooms than they could count on both hands taking away box rooms from families in social housing. Just evil genius. Got to clear the slums so you can gentrify and sell untapped inner London suburbs to overseas investors. Think of the short term gains!”

He rubbed his hands over his face. Supplication before an inner God.

”And inheritance millionaires privatising alcohol and drug rehabilitation services. Every misery now an avenue to funnel wealth from the needy to the hidden coffers of the wealthy. It was orgiastic. Dance for your God! Dance!”

But now?

”Now the spectre of a No Deal Brexit risks all of this. The overgrown mounds on the graves of the people we’ve destroyed with ATOS and universal credit opening with hands from in the earth, the spiralling ash clouds from the incendiary cremation fires, spinning in reverse from the sky and reforming the unwanted we drove out, all of them to walk again because of a No Deal Brexit.”

It will not do.

“It will not do. You don’t do all that to transfer wealth up in a flood, not a trickle, just to watch Brexit capital flight ruin my beautiful tables of numbers. No Deal Brexit risks us having to raise a penny of tax on wealth to fund MPs next payraises.”

It will not do!

”It will not do,” he shook his head and made a wringing motion with his hands as if throttling a dread.