Category: Governing the people

Social media is buzzing today with talk of a new wonder drug which instantly cures feelings of sympathy for Prime Minister Theresa May.

”When we saw people writing on social media platforms that they felt sorry for the prime architect of the Hostile Environment policies, well, we knew we had to work fast to develop a cure,” Doctor Furacists, of F U Racists and Gamble, a leading medical research company based in Maidenhead, told us earlier today.

The cure comes in various forms, first and foremost empathy and humanity, but also an easy to take pill form.

”The pill is called ‘Hostile Environment’ after the now famous policy spectrum designed and pushed through by the head of the Home Office during 2010 – 2016. This occurred while Prime Minister David Cameron was too blithe, intellectually stupid, possibly compromised by various sources of funding, and lazy to pay attention to what his legacy was growing into.”

The Doctor advises anyone who is starting to exhibit symptoms of sympathy for Theresa May, purely because she achieved her aim of becoming boss to a vicious bag of snakes, to begin a course of Hostile Environlemt immediately.

”Most people will only need one dose to release that they should have zero sympathy for a xenophobic Little Englander who made it her mission while Home Office minister to do as much as possible to destroy the security and well-being of a vast number of people, purely based on skin colour it seems, but also a distaste for certain socio-demographics and a desire to punish them, as you’d expect from a vicar’s daughter.”

But what about people who have a severe case, say members of ToryKip and UKIP?

”Oh, they’re going to need to overdose, and even then I’m not sure it’ll work.”

In front of packed hall of worshippers (mostly from the BBC, or maybe it was the Express? It’s hard to tell them apart these days) recently ordained high priest of bullshit [ed. It’s believed our correspondent meant Brexit. But one is a synonym for the other and they both mean the same thing so to add both words, even for clarity of meaning, would risk being tautological and not stiffen the article, or make it firmer, introduce the potential for tiresome error, and just drag out the article painfully and unnecessarily, just like bullshit) Dominic Raab, MP for Fork-on-Tung, released the latest batch of No Deal Brexit notices.

“A dog is not just for Christmas, thanks to the diligent planning of your vigorous government, it’s also for dinner.”

It took several minutes for the applause to subside. Several people even began to talk in tongues, such was the religious fervour generated in the faithful by the statement.

”Purposefully positioning a modern, industrialised country into a situation where the choice of eating your last born child, or your pet, is now real is just sensible government.”

The kind of pragmatism we’ve all come to expect from the Conservatives.

”Even now my department is working on an easily accessible recipe book, in app format, although it will only be on android (because they’re androids) to release in advance of just fucking the entire country senseless so some fascistic natured tax dodgers can take complete control of your day to day lives.”

From this announcement Mr Raab began to read from a hymn sheet, verses that blame the EU for the moment HMG screws your pooch, we mean cook your dog, or make your dog into dinner.

”With the right amount of vim and vigour any hungry citizen of Brexitannia will be able to get even a German Shepherd into a pot. Remember, as we move into the bold and exciting frontiers of Global Britain, a dog is not just for Christmas anymore…”

Fears of a post Brexit crime wave centred on food increased today after Her Majesty’s Government reluctantly confirmed theft of bread, and other food, will lead to transportation to the colonies again, after Brexit.

The encouraging revelation is thanks to a FOI request by LCD Views regarding proposed changes to criminal law, due to come into force as we make a success of Brexit.

”It’s expected all and every Gregg’s will be a crime scene,” a minister at the Home Office confirmed, “we are encouraging Greggs, and other bakeries, to boost their security prior to March 29th 2019, October 31st 2019 and January 31st 2020.”

Nicking a sausage roll will get you sent down and sent down under again?

”Not just sausage rolls. A loaf will be seven years hard labour. A Bakewell tart could mean life. Although stealing, but not consuming, a vegan sausage roll will get you a medal.”

It’s expected the return of unbelievably harsh sanctions, with corporal punishment, are the brain child of Iain Duncan Smith, best known for his deep and sympathetic understanding of the psychology of the criminal classes ie, anyone who’s not rich.

But what about white collar crime? What if ministers in HMG are found to have been colluding with hedge fund owners to crash the pound?

“What about it?”

Fair enough.

As to what Australia thinks about this proposal is anyone’s guess, as the Australian government has thus far remained tight lipped.

”They’re too busy playing musical chairs with their prime ministers to worry if we establish a penal colony on Rottnest Island, or even Cockatoo Island.  And besides, there is no conceivable way those convicts would want to spoil the chance of agreeing a free and comprehensive free trade deal with the U.K. I expect they’ll offer to build the new gaols required themselves.”

As to the possibility of return and redemption after the seven years is served, the minister has this to say,

”From Australia back to Brexitannia? We don’t expect anyone will want to. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to pocket some crusty baps and get a ticket out of here.”

It wasn’t sexy soirees with titillating Tory totty that provoked Marina Johnson to trigger article 50 on her 25 year marriage to former London mayor and UK foreign minister “Bonkalot” Boris Johnson, it was something FAR darker, LCD Views can reveal.

Namely the discovery that the flesh that Boris had discovered a weakness for was none other than that of fellow lard bucket, Steve Bannon – and not alone either.

The pair of them were locked in an unholy ménage-a-trois with none other than Lucifer the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself.

“They were both insatiable,” confessed a red faced Mephistopheles in laconic tones strongly reminiscent of the late Peter Cook.

“The mere mention of the words “immigration”, “lebensraum” or “I have a right to my own opinion”, and they were off like rats up each other’s drainpipes – It was all I could do to keep up,” he complained, adding that given their respective bulks it was a miracle they didn’t trigger an earthquake.

“They’re both big lads, by which I mean in the “hippo” sense. Johnson is frankly a misnomer,” yawned Old Nick, laconically.

But like all good things, it had to end the Archfiend added explaining that Boris got the hump at “Sloppy Steve “ dropping his standards for every right wing nut job in Europe.

“For me though it was Boris’s insistence that we make the beast with three backs wearing rubber Theresa May masks and crotchless suicide vests, that did it,” he winced.
” I mean I’m Beelzebub, – I’m up for absolutely anything, but there are limits even for The Lord of the Flies.”

“Theresa and I have been mates for years – we screwed the Windrush generation together – you have to stand by your friends in their hour of need,” he smirked, sparking up a Capstan navy Strength and pouring himself another goblet of champagne.

The sick and the potentially sick of the United Kingdom, the chronically ill and the accident prone, and those who care for them, are in safe hands today with the announcement from Matt Hancock (MP for Hands-on-Rooster), Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, that he has…

”Just today qualified as a faith healer!”

The news is not news for anyone following Matt’s announcements recently about NHS preparation for a no deal Brexit.

”Matt hasn’t just been sitting about with his hands down his pants playing with the only toy God gave him,” our senior health and social care correspondent corresponds, “since he took over from Jeremy Rhymes-With, in a fetching act of surname symmetry, he’s been a busy boy indeed.”

Busy largely delegating the job of ensuring the health of the country is looked after as the Tories crash the country.

”He’s been studying how just believing really bloody hard that everything won’t go to hell in a hand basket, with diabetics dying for want of insulin, and cancer patients dying for want of treatment, can be avoided by believing really bloody hard that private business will do the job of preparing for a No Deal instead of the government. All you have to do is have faith that they’ll do it if you order them to.”

So simple even his predecessor in the job could have thought of it.

”To prove that faith is all you need he’s put his hands where your money is and taken a digital course in faith healing. This is part of a dramatic modernisation of the health service.”

But what if he’s wrong and faith isn’t enough? What if the stockpiles are insufficient?

”Oh ye of little faith,” our correspondent chided, “you can just duck over to Northern Ireland from April next year and get whatever you need on the new hard border black market. You’ll be able to lay your hands on whatever you need. So long as you just believe.”

The black market? Now that’s the sort of private enterprise that will succeed in the event of a no deal Brexit.

We will be saved! LCD Views is pleased to reassure the great British public today that all will be well in the advent of a no deal Brexit.

The reassurance comes after the government minister responsible for running operation ‘Yellowhammer’ was filmed shopping at Homebase for a yellow hammer.

”He was also buying red, white and blue striped paint,” A. Peace-o’-Timba MP (Two-on-Planks) told us exclusively.

A. Peace had invited our correspondent down to the civil disaster planning office to watch the preparations for planning a complete and total civil disaster.

”It makes a nice change from trying to deal with unexpected calamity,” A. Peace smiled, “to actually be planning to create the catastrophe. It gives you a head start.”

As to the actual yellow hammer purchased by the minister in charge, we weren’t able to view it.

”It’s been borrowed by the minister’s son for some DIY job at home,” A. Peace shrugged, “but it’s okay. We’ve a receipt. There’s an actionable trail. It’s not what you’d call an expense fiddle. The hammer will be returned in time for use in next year’s disaster.”

Other items on the shopping list at the time are believed to be non-stick wallpaper, a left handed screwdriver and a Northern Ireland Minister who actually has the foggiest about Northern Ireland and its relations and history with the Republic, so not the newly appointed minister then.

”I’m sure some critics and smart Alec’s will mock the purchase of the yellow hammer,” A. Peace continued, “say we’re wasting valuable taxpayers’ money on something that will never be needed, but this is just sensible governance. We’re planning the disasters. We’re not waiting for them to catch us by surprise.”

Just so and well done.

This certainly isn’t a case of a hammer to crack a nut, as the nut itself will clearly be way, way too big for a hammer to crack.

Kicked out of the family home by his wife of 25 years, Boris Johnson is planning a surprise bid to have himself elected President of the European Commission.

A source close to Johnson’s own office confirmed to LCD Views that the recently resigned UK foreign minister has realised that his estranged wife’s decision to go public about his philandering has effectively ended his chances of becoming leader of the conservative party, and hence UK Prime Minister.

Instead he has set his sights on Brussels, and is looking to be elected President of the European Commission  next year, when the five year term of current President Jean Claude Junkers ends, the source explained.

“They’re all French or something so infidelity is pretty much compulsory,” she explained, smiling sweetly and crossing her legs.

“Boris feels that with Theresa May’s Chequers plan dead in the water, and a no deal Brexit, akin to economic suicide – if you can’t beat them, he may just as well jolly well join them,” she said, smoothing a crease in her silk stockings.

“And what better way to keep the UK in the EU than making him president – he’s a man who loves nothing more than being on top,” she winked, pointing out that Boris had happily backed the UK’s EU membership for years before throwing his extreme, but still manly, bulk behind Brexit in the hope of unseating David Cameron as PM.

“And as a twice former mayor of London and former foreign minister he’s not exactly lacking in experience – if you know what I mean,” she added peering librarian like over the top of her glasses and smiling knowingly.

News of Johnson’s volte-face came less than 48 after The EU’s chief Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier rejected May’s Chequers plan as unworkable, and suggesting that the UK had no option but to crash out of the EU with no trade deal.
And only hours after he was seen crashing out of the family home with no deal, after his wife of 25 years Marina Wheeler invoked article 50, ending his freedom of movement and forcing him to kip down on Michael Gove’s sofa under WTA rules.

Johnson himself was unavailable for comment with his secretary confirming that he would be unavailable Thursday due to prior appointments at French and German “brush up” classes.

“And he has meetings all day tomorrow with executives from Mercedes and Renault – something to do with renting buses with special paint jobs,” she said breathily, batting her eyelids and absent-mindedly fingering the top button on her blouse.  

Britain’s greatest statesman since Alfred the Great, Dominic Raab MP (for alleged vested interests) has reportedly been rushed to A&E after finally reviewing the No Deal Brexit preparations.

”It happened after that bully civil service attack dog Olly Robbins, who basically runs the government now, forced Raab to read the secret civil service files on no deal Brexit preparations while form prefect Theresa was watching.”

It appears reading what lies ahead for the rapidly dis-uniting kingdom under his own government’s incompetence, and pursuit of the demands of high net worth tax dodgers to clear out of the EU before April next year, caused Mr Raab to clench. And clench hard.

And then clench even harder still.

”And he just kept clenching tighter the deeper in he got,” our insider reports, although we are yet to corroborate their account,

“by the time he got to the hilarious idea of floating batteries in the Irish Sea he was in obvious pain,

”It’s bad enough that some schoolboy schooled him on the scuppering of democratic legitimacy because of the criminality in the opinion poll, he should not then have been faced with the deliberate idea of killing off diabetics to ease NHS budget pressures. He almost got a nosebleed before the parliamentary select committee for Executing the U.K. as it was,

”He should have been sent home to recover with his favourite game of kick the can and given the rest of the week off.”

And it seems even if NHS professionals are successful in their presumed plan to jam him full of laxatives and some sort of loosening device, the damage will be done.

”The other boys are already calling him ‘the sphinxter’ now. It’s a nickname I fear will stick and presumably have a Pavlovian impact. It’s likely he’ll never be able to crap himself freely again, which for a Secretary of State for Brexit, that could lead to permanent disability.”

Wait until ATOS get a hold of him.

UK prime minister Theresa May Wednesday issued an open invitation to the two Russian suspects in the Salisbury “Novichok” poisoning case to take over the UK’s negotiations to leave the European Union.

“As with the Salisbury poisonings negotiating a successful Brexit is a job which requires both a killer instinct and extreme discretion,” said May speaking to reporters outside 10 Downing street dressed in a fetching navy blue Hazmat suit and contrasting Hermes scarf.

Mrs May added that she had already passed Boris Johnson’s home address to the two Russian fugitives and would be assessing their performance before allowing them to proceed over the head of current Brexit minister Dominic Raab, to Brussels to deal with Messers Barnier and Junkers.

“I’ve instructed Dominic to “duck”, if he doesn’t think that’s his look out,” she added.

The two suspects, who on their last visit to the UK were travelling on passports naming them as “Alexander Petrov” and “Ruslan Boshirov” were unavailable for comment Wednesday having returned to Russia on an Aeroflot flight on March 4th, and disappeared.

Explaining that the Wiltshire Police had issued an Interpol red bulletin for their arrest May suggested that she was certain that the offer of untold riches for delivering a successful Brexit complete with unicorns, would be sufficient to tempt the two fugitives out of hiding.

“We’ve already said what riches the country can expect in return for voting for Brexit, and if successful our negotiators will be guarantees a generous, but as yet “untold”  share,” she said, crossing her fingers behind he back.

Responding to questions from reporters as to whether two Russian KGB operatives would be the best people in whom to trust the UK’s future economic relations with the EU, May was adamant.

“My good friend Donald, assures me that Russian government employees are completely trustworthy and were very effective in their management of his successful election campaign,” she smirked.

Disgraced former House of Cards star Kevin Spacey was last night admitted to A&E near his Santa Monica home following what responders described as a “failed Nike burning incident”.

The 59 year old actor was allowed to return home after treatment for what a hospital spokesman described as a badly burned character and serious smoke damage to what had once been, if not a spotless reputation, certainly a high professional standing.

Spacey himself claimed he did not remember the incident but said that if it did happen it was likely “deeply inappropriate drunken behaviour” for which he offered a sincere apology.

There was no information on the model or condition of the Nike shoes involved in the incident.

Speaking to LCD Views Sid Hudgens, long time editor of Hollywood scandal mag “Hush Hush” commented that it was no secret in tinsel town that Mr Spacey had long lived his life according to the Nike slogan of “Just Do It”.

“You could say that’s where all his problems started,” he said.

Spacey has kept an extremely low public profile since allegations of sexual impropriety led to his sacking from Netflix and the hiring of long forgotten 70s TV star Fozzy Bear to re-shoot his starring role in the Ridley Scott movie  ‘All the Money in the World’.

However following the decision by the Los Angeles district Attorney’s office not to prosecute Spacey for an accusation of a sexual assault dating to 1992, he is believed to have been offering to audition for new roles.

A spokesman for Adidas denied that Spacey had approached the company offering to be the face of a new advertising campaign for the re-launch of its Lawsuit II model of outdoor sports shoe.

“That’s complete bollocks,” he said.
“But if you’d like to go on spreading it so we can continue to issue high profile denials and benefit from the extensive free publicity, we certainly won’t complain,” he added.