Category: Governing the people

The German capital of Berlin breathed a collective sigh of relief Saturday as  Irish mega bores U2 were forced to halt their performance in the city’s Olympic Stadium after lead singer Bongo allegedly lost his voice.

In a statement issued after the band left the stage U2 apologised for the cancellation which they blamed on a dodgy pint of lager and a Currywurst the be-stetsoned Bongo had consumed prior to the gig, which had stripped him of the ability to wail at high volume.

The stupidly rich band  promised they’d be back to complete their set just as soon as their accountants had managed to write of the extra expense as a tax loss, via whatever tiny former UK island colony they’re channelling their earnings through this week.

However spectators at the stadium built for the 1936 “Nazi” Olympics, were quick question whether the band’s disappearance from the stage might have been down to Bongo taking umbrage at the less than enthusiastic response of the German crowd.

“He’d just launched into the chorus of ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ when someone at the front yelled out ‘Well why don’t you f*ck off somewhere else and look for it then’,” explained rock fan Irmin Schmidt, who had been seated two rows from the front.

As those around started sniggering uncontrollably, Bongo suddenly stopped singing, consulted with one of the crew, and then marched offstage followed by the rest of the group, explained Schmidt.

Adding that whoever it was Bongo spoke to was wearing a rather dull grey suit and carrying calculator.

“He looked more like a financial consultant than a roadie,” he added.

A spokesman for U2’s record label, Island Sunday denied reports that the band were now working on a cover version of 4′33″  by experimental American composer John Cage.

The original score for the piece instructs musicians to do precisely nothing for the allotted four minutes thirty-three seconds., with the “music” being provided solely by ambient background noise.

However commenting on the reports Elliot Trailer-Parks, editor in exile of bankrupt former music paper Melody Maker suggested that a shift from the traditional rock genre into experimental classical music could be just the thing to boost U2’s global appeal.

“Successfully extending the Cage piece over an entire album, or concert, would enable them to reach an entire new audience who’d currently rather gnaw their own legs off than listen to a single U2 song,” he mused.

Sentenced to hang for a crime you didn’t commit?

You’d be forgiven for jumping at any chance of a reprieve, especially if new evidence appears which completely exonerates you of guilt.

That though is just the response that death-row convict Tommy Atkins, HASN’T shown since a new forensic report has emerged proving conclusively that he isn’t, A TRAITOR.

Atkins was last year convicted of treason, based on charges that he had consorted with foreign powers, namely the self styled “European Union”, to undermine the sovereign authority of the UK parliament and inflict irreparable damage on the UK economy, a crime which carries the ultimate penalty.

It was an open and shut case. Prosecuting barrister Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg STFU, UHOA and bar, produced witness after witness who could testify to the guilt of the defendant.

Most damning was evidence from a Mr B Johnson of Westminster who pointed out that:

“NAPOLEON and HITLER tried to conquer Europe and the EU is doing the same just using different methods. And that TRAITOR ATKINS is helping them.”

Tearful observers noted that the black cap was donned, and pencil broken there and then.

But now, new evidence contained in whole shelf of secret reports prepared by political scientists and economic experts proves, beyond all reasonable doubt, that membership of this union, neither undermines government sovereignty, nor inflicts damage onthe economy.

Indeed, they show quite the opposite, that the government has always held the right of veto over all EU legislation, and the United Kingdom economy benefits from this membership to a quite staggering degree.

Far from committing treason, the report shows, Atkins, was in fact demonstrating his patriotism.

Atkins himself however, has remained unmoved by evidence that should save him from the gallows.

“The jury has delivered its verdict, the rope has been bought and the trap door oiled – the warders deserve their paid overtime and a lifetime of regret,” he adds explaining that he understands perfectly the feelings of the man in the street who cares little for justice, and just wants to see full value for his tax money.

“That thought will be of great comfort as I slowly strangle to death under my own weight having lost control of my bladder and bowels,” he smiles.

Commenting on the  new evidence, the presiding judge, Lord Michael “string-em-up” Gove was equally unmoved.

“Frankly I think everyone has had quite enough of experts,” he said, ordering a second bottle of Chablis to go with the most agreeable salmon he had just been served in the dining room of his club.

“It may take as long as 50 years for Tommy Atkins to feel the benefit of cruel British injustice, but when he does he will realise it has all been worthwhile,” he smirked, slurping unceremoniously on his tankard of Grand Cru..

Making plans for Nigel? Ecstacy. The oxymoronic bigmouth has vowed to bravely run away.

Sitting on the fence in a shy, retiring way, as opposed to his normal bluster, Farage was initially coy about whether to stand or scarper. “Certain people have encouraged me to get lost,” he admitted. “But I haven’t made my mind up yet. I still have a cushy number on LBC and seven months of drawing my salary as an MEP.”

But the man who campaigned so hard to ensure he lost his job is demonstrating that unique talent again. He is now poised to flunk the opportunity to become London’s Mayor in triumph. What persuaded him to get off the fence? “Splinters in the bum,” he revealed.

“Who wants to be London Mayor, anyway?” he spouted. “The post attracts idiots, chancers, and Sadiq Khan. The Inflatable Mayor! Can you believe, he is allowing them to fly a satirical balloon mocking him? Like they did with my old mate Donald Trump, whom incidentally I’ve never met? He’s let himself down!”

Nigel is reliably full of hot air. Puffed up with his own importance, he blew his audience away breezily. “Gone with the wind, that’s my motto,” he insisted. “I’m thinking of becoming UKIP leader again, just so I can resign in protest.”

His face was a picture. One that nobody wanted to buy.

Farage insisted that he could never win the all-important backing of the People of the Metropolis. “London is far too multicultural these days,” he protested. “Multicultural people elect a multicultural Mayor. London is at Breaking Point. You can see what chaos ensues when you allow People in from all over the world and give them a Great British vote. A normal, typical, entitled, middle-aged white bloke doesn’t stand a chance these days, so I’m doing a runner for the good of the capital!”

Exit Mr Brexit. Stage right. Pursued by a bear, with any luck.

Brexit minister Dominic Raab Monday confirmed that UK satnav systems will stop working after a “Hard Brexit”, unless the government manages to negotiate a special dispensation to continue using the European Galileo satellite navigation system.

“We paid over €1 billion as our share of the development and operational costs of Galileo so by rights we should be able to continue using it,” he said complaining that Brussels was invoking a clause in the contract for Galileo which blocks it from being used by most, but not all, non EU members.

“Norwegian fishermen can use it for hunting whales, even though Norway isn’t a member of the EU and Wales is, but after March 29th British minicab drivers will be forced to drive blind,” he said.

Raab accepted that after Brexit there are likely to be fewer EU nationals driving minicabs meaning there is a greater chance of drivers actually knowing where they are going without cheating.

However he warned that the government is considering taking retaliatory action such as  removing all the road signs in the south east of England to confuse lorry drivers arriving from the continent, and painting fluorescent monster faces on the inside of the channel tunnel to scare arriving tourists.

“Fair’s fair..” he explained.

Raab also confirmed that road atlases based on Ordnance Survey maps, will continue to work, but those from continental publishers such as France’s Michelin, or Germany’s Euro Atlas will need to be destroyed as they are marked in kilometres,

“We will be arranging door to door collection, to prevent further possible watering down of our domestic mile denominated maps,” he explained.

Commenting on news of the satnav ban, prime minister in waiting Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested that this was just the sort of typical Brussels duplicity that had brought the UK to leave the European Union.

“How very dare they think that just because they have an agreement with us, they have the right to enforce it,” he purred, adding that Brussels may have inadvertently shot itself in the foot.

“They think they can scupper Brexit by endlessly wittering on about the Irish border – but without satnav no one will be able to find it – problem solved,” he smirked, oleaginously.

Privatisation is the answer to everything. So, in a move which has surprised most commentators, the stalled Brexit negotiations have been outsourced to G4S.

Government duty flunkey Derry Liction explained the position to LCD Views. “The private sector delivers results cheaply and efficiently,” he prevaricated. “This is a move designed to make a success of negotiations, avoid the costs, and most of all wash our hands of all responsibility for it.”

Why G4S? After all, they couldn’t do a very good job of running Birmingham Prison.

“On the contrary,” countered Liction. “They did an excellent job. Their job was to make the prison act as a deterrent. So the reports of drugs, vomit, cockroaches and rats are all correct, and part of the strategy. Prisoners are in fear for their lives. It’s all good. After all, prisons are not meant to be holiday camps!”

In that case, why has Birmingham Prison been taken over again by the government?

“It’s the fault of hand-wringing do-gooder Guardian-reading snowflakes,” said Liction grumpily. “Some so-called bleeding-heart liberal whinger found out about it and created a stink. Well, there was outrage, so something had to be done. Don’t worry, the boys at G4S will be richly compensated for this unfortunate downturn in their business.”

What makes G4S a suitable Brexit negotiator?

“As I said, they bring good value for money,” he said. “They know what they are doing. What we need is security. Like, Oi, Germany, you ain’t coming in ‘ere with trainers on! Oi, France, bog off, come back when you’re young and pretty! Hey Spain, castanets are banned and so are you mate! If they want to come into this country they have to respect the dress code and British customs.”

Like getting bladdered on watered-down lager and picking a fight with anyone who looks vaguely foreign?

“Quite,” said Liction smugly. “They will capitulate in no time. It’s that simple.”

What could possibly go wrong?

Privately-run Strangeways Prison in Manchester, announced Tuesday that it has taken over the Government of the United Kingdom after executives concluded that “drastic action” was needed to address failings in administration as the, increasingly rat infested, country teeters towards a “no deal” Brexit.

Officials from operators “Strangeways Plc”, confirmed early Monday that trained prison offers and security officers had been sent into 10 Downing Street, parliament, and all major ministries following concerns over safety, security and the future economic well being of the country taking advantage of the fact that having sent parliament into recess, Theresa May, most of her cabinet and even Brexit hard liners like Boris Johnson, had all buggered off on holiday until September.

Strangeways CEO, Frank Boddington said: “We have the spectacle of a government relaxing in the idyllic setting of their Tuscany summer houses while the country plunges off an economic cliff. We had no choice but to intervene and bring our expertise to bear on the situation.”

According to Boddington with over a decade of experience of running one of the UK’s toughest prisons, Strangeways is ideally equipped to take over running the entire country.

“We feed clothe, house and care for hundreds of the most dangerous people in the country, managing a country of angry proles, eating from food banks will be a doddle – there’ll be no food and medicine shortages on our watch,” he promised.

Boddington explained, that once a planned overhaul of the tax system has been fully implemented and super rich tax evaders limited to a weekly income of £4.60 plus a small tin of rolling tobacco and a packet of Rizlas, there will be plenty of resources to fund the NHS and all other public services.

“And if any potential tax dodgers think they can slip away unnoticed to a convenient tax haven, they’d better think again,” he warned, explaining out that the prison, which celebrates its 150th anniversary this year had never experienced a single successful break out.

“Unless we include those via the execution block on B wing,” he winked, pointing out that equally no one had ever succeeded in breaking into Strangeways, making his prison the ideal body to administer immigration policy.

However the shock move came in for strong criticism from self appointed next prime minister in waiting, the right honourable Sir Jacob Rees Mogg, UHOA, STFU, and bar.

Sir Rees-Mogg pointed out that other than managing a closed environment, from which entry and exit were strictly monitored, maintaining law and order, discipline, health and safety and keeping to strict budgetary limits, a private prison company simply doesn’t have the experience or the skill set to manage an entire country plunging headfirst into penury and despotism.

Speaking from his newly opened hedge fund headquarters, in the 40th floor penthouse office suite of O’Rees-Mogg towers, Dublin Sir Jacob O’Rees-Mogg was adamant.

” There’s only one company that can successfully manage to help the United Kingdom realise its destiny as a badly run, impoverished third world prison camp, and that’s, Tory Party PLC, run by me, he crowed adding that it must be true because his nanny agrees.

“And Nanny Bannon is always right, far, far right,” he smirked.

Illegal immigrants, economic migrants and terrorists may be planning to use un-recycled plastic bottles to make boats to float across the English Channel, according to a warning issued Friday by the United Kingdom Independence party, better known by its acronym, UKIP. 

Speaking to reporters outside UKIP headquarters ISIS House, Thingummy Whatsisname-Doobry, or whoever may or may not be UKIP leader this week (Couldn’t be arsed googling and by the time you do he/she will have changed anyway…) explained that the careless disposal of plastic bottles on UK beaches was putting the country in grave danger of attack by environmentally minded green leaning terror groups.

“The bottles float across the channel, to the jungles of northern France where less than 100 of them tied together makes an unsinkable floatation device that could be used by Muslamic radicals to float across the channel and launch an attack on our saintly green and pleasant land,” he said (…or she, let’s face it, who cares…) explaining that there is a clear link between environmentalists and radical Islam.

“It’s no coincidence they call themselves “GREENS”, it’s the historic colour of Islam, representing the lush vegetation of Paradise” snarled Whatsisname-Doobry, explaining that under no circumstances should this “Paradise” be confused with “England’s GREEN and Pleasant land”.

It was this risk of GREEN terrorism, he explained, that had led UKIP to denounce the recycling of plastic bottles as TERRORISM, and to back a more traditional solution to the problem.

“Bottle banks for plastic bottles, are an open invitation to water bound migratory terrorism – like giving a child a sweetshop and telling them there’s no such thing as dentists,” he (or she…) warned.

For that reason Whatsisname-Doobry explained, instead of recycling, UKIP was backing the revival of the traditional English tradition of stabbing a hole in the bottom.

“Generations of British children have religiously shoved their spoons through the bottom of their hard boiled egg shells to prevent them being used by witches as sailing craft to attack and sink our brave ships,” he (she or indeed it…about time UKIP recognised gender plurality..) roared, pointing out that the loss of shipping to maritime Wiccan subversion has long been close to zero.

“A plastic bottle with a hole in won’t float and can be safely discarded on any beach without fear of it being re-employed for migratory floatation,” he smiled.

“And if that doesn’t solve the problem, you can always just eat them – after all, there won’t be much else to eat after Brexit,” he warned.

Transport Secretary and all-round good egg-head Chris Grayling wants to be the next Prime Minister. He is, he claims, ideally qualified.

“My record speaks for itself,” he crowed to LCD Views, strictly on the record. “Thanks to me, the railways are less efficient and more expensive. There is less legal aid, and prisons are more dangerous. I am a less competent leader than Theresa May, or even Jeremy Corbyn. Less is more, dear chap, less is more. More or less.”

So, to clarify: do you mean more, or less?

“More. Or less,” explained Grayling. “It’s the same thing. I can’t give you clarity. These are exciting times, and everything will turn out just fine!”

Turning to the business of movement of goods after Brexit, which is in your remit, what are you going to do about the chronic lack of space and underinvestment at Dover?

“Yes, I’ve been asked for clarity about it,” he admitted. “Well, they won’t be getting it from me! You can’t shift the cliffs, anyway that would be Michael Gove’s responsibility. Underinvestment is a nasty little phrase. It simply means, we are spending less money, and that must be a good thing. Less is more!”

What about the potential 13 mile queues on the M20?

“Not my problem,” he answered. “Most of the time the M20 is empty, so it seems like a good use of resources to me.”

And what if you ever needed to travel to Dover yourself, and got caught in the traffic? Or would you go by train?

“Good God, no!” he exclaimed. “The trains are f*cking sh*t, we only keep them to milk them for all they are worth! Who wants to go to Dover anyway?”

Back to your leadership bid. Isn’t this just a little April Fool’s Day joke?

“Ha ha! I’ve been called God’s Little April Fool myself!” he laughed. “Except my birthday is actually May the first. May Day. I mean, of course it’s April the first really, but you don’t want anyone to know that sort of thing!”

Is there anyone more (or less) suitable for the job? Less is more. Mayday. MAYDAY!