Category: Governing the people

The wisdom of the collective of Little England MPs within the Westminster parliament was on full show today in a little studied clause of the EU Withdrawal Bill.

”That dragon is gone sunshine,” MP for pervs, C Chope cheered, as speaker Bercow read out confirmation of her maj putting her x on the bill.

The removal of the dragon from the Welsh flag was seen as part of the current favoured Brexit among cabinet, the so called ‘F*ck Wales First’ Brexit, which takes its inspiration from the words of world famous human impersonator Boris Johnson.

”We’ll be lifting the bloody kilts up and tearing them off the Scots next!” Chope shouted, smart phone in hand.

Other measures targeted at Wales, after the breaking of Tory promises to do with rail electrification and now the Swansea tidal lagoon, will be the roll out of wholesale de-electrification across the valleys.

”They can burn whale blubber for all I care!” Chope sallied on, “and we’re going to turn that Swansea bay into a bloody nuclear fuel dump. F*ck Wales!”

While Chope was clearly in unstoppable form, he wasn’t alone, as Bone, Mogg, Davis and a bunch of other complete and utter baggy pant stains cheered and hollered, before calming down and wondering how many bottles of champagne to celebrate with over lunch.

As to how Wales was taking being dumped on by Westminster yet again wasn’t clear,  as no one at the BBC could be arsed to find out.

”More castles for Wales!” Chope shouted, now in a bit of a lather, “Edward the first knew how to deal with the Welsh and Little England has not forgotten!”

A new, lean and fighting fit mean United Kingdom is all set to handshake a smash and grab trade deal with Trump’s USA today after the announcement that both chlorine and poultry have been stripped from the British periodic table ahead of US trade deal talks.

”This will help make a success of Brexit,” true believer and obsessive airmiles fancier Doctor Liam Fox told LCD Views this morning.

We spoke to the best known doctor of trade at a VIP lounge at Heathrow as he waited for international man of mystery Boris Johnson to return from his vital mission to Kabul.

”He’s nicked some of my air miles,” Fox fumed, “and I’m not taking that lying down.”

The move to take out unhelpful elements ahead of the all important trade talks next month, when flaccid faced destroyer of juvenile futures POTUS arrives in Blighty, is all part of a bigger strategic vision.

”Certain whinging, metropolitan elites have been suggesting that this element and that element may disrupt a smooth and orderly agreement of new trading arrangements with our international partners post Brexit, so we’ve acted with our trademark wisdom.”

You mean issues like disruption to supply lines and country of origin rules? That sort of boring technical thing that only boring remoaners care about?

”What? What’s rules of origin? I’m not handling immigration.”

Google it Liam.

”What’s google? Look, Boris will be here any moment. He’s big but he’s evasive and I want my air miles. Do you want to talk trading futures or not?”

Is trading futures related to market manipulation?

”What? Look. Nobody seems to like chlorine or chicken. It’s a recurring theme to do with swimming pools and water. Well, if it’s in the way of Brexit Britain’s future it’s out!”

Any other elements to go?

”We’ve divided the cabinet to assess it. I suspect the truthful element went years ago. But I can tell you what’s going in.”

Please do.

”Cheeseburgers and Diet Coke. Trump will be pleased. We’re going to invent a yellow element called Trumpeean too. Have the Queen unveil it.”

Doctor Fox, thank you for your time.

”Time is an element we’re running out of.”

We know Liam. We know.

Former Tory party leader and baked potato impressionist William Hague had made a dramatic statement about his drug use. He claims to be able to come off smack at a moment of his choice.

The one time Tory Boy has become an advocate for cannabis use recently. Cannabis, apparently, is good for pain relief.

“Yes, I have been easing my pain with pot for years,” remarked Hague. “It hurt me deeply to recall the embarrassment of my Tory Boy days. Thank goodness I grew out of it, unlike Jacob Rees-Mogg.”

LCD Views checked Hague’s assertion with medical expert Dr Anna Tomical. “Cannabis can numb you,” she agreed. “But it also causes memory loss. It is worse than alcohol, and almost as bad as red meat and cheese.”

We take it that you are a vegan Dr Tomical?

“Naturally. I would recommend it to everyone. Mr Hague would be much healthier and happier on a vegan diet.”

Does being vegan make you live longer?

“Probably,” she replied. “It certainly feels like it.”

“I don’t hold with namby-pamby veganism,” Hague counters. “I’m from Yorkshire! Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred, Strong in t’arm and thick in t’ead, that’s me. Anyhow, my time as Tory leader was also excruciating, so I needed something stronger than cannabis. Heroin. That stuff gave me a real shot in the arm!”

Isn’t it horribly addictive though?

“I’m a Yorkshireman, I’m tough as old boots!” he said. “I could quit whenever I want to, but still the memories keep coming back.”

So you increase the dose?

“It’s the only way,” asserts Hague. “I take drugs to forget, to forget that I am ashamed, ashamed that I take drugs. It’s a perfect cycle, why do you think Liam Fox is eagerly making deals with shady South Americans? Theresa is on tranquillisers, Jeremy C. Hunt likes MDMA, and Boris sniffs up so much rubbish we nicknamed him Henry.”

But these drugs are illegal, why are you advocating drug usage?

“We have lost the war on drugs,” he slurred. “We lost, so may as well get over it and suck it up. Preferably through a bong. No point losing your head, when you can get off your head instead!”

At this point Hague excused himself, saying he thought he still had a functioning vein “downstairs”.

It’s ok to take drugs. Roll up! Roll up!

Master Bater, a chief Tory whip, was in an upbeat, if exhausted, mood today after successfully forcing enough potential Tory rebel MPs to cave by use of the Tory ultra violence, project fear film “JC4PM”.

“They crumble faced with just the outside chance of that old commie placard holder taking high office,” Master Bater told LCD Views during a tour of the ConHQ dungeon, “it’s not even really brainwashing, more just showing them what keeps them awake at night. Which is just as well, my palms are sore enough from the day to day work of slapping and beating members to keep them in line behind the old Maybot as it is.”

In the dungeon we were allowed to see many of the chief tools used by the whips.

“See this row of old cinema chairs here? And that screen set up over there. Mind the projector. Yes. Yes. Come around the front. Take a seat if you want.”

We declined the offer of a seat. The restraints on the arms looked like they could hold the strongest in situ.

“We put grievance Grieve in this seat. Captain Morgan in the one next to him. And a few others. Restraints at wrists, calves and foreheads. Force the eyelids open and just let the movie play.”

In the movie a Corbyn lookalike goes through the various duties of a modern British prime minister.

“The actor playing Corbyn followed May closely for a few weeks, to really learn what it takes to be the UK’s prime minister in the age of Brexit. You know, party before country, ideology before rationality, cynical appeals to various voting demographics, smooth and orderly choking off of economic viability, say xenophobic stuff about foreign workers. It doesn’t actually matter who is prime minister. The day to day activities will be the same. With the exception of course that Jeremy Corbyn as PM would raid the City of London’s coffers with McDonnell. But under May we’re content to let it all slowly flow away to EU27 countries without anyone really noticing. Rees-mogg will tell you how to set up in Dublin, just get him on the blower.”

How long does it take to force a rebel to cave in, faced with JC4PM?

“Dominic fell to his knees just seeing the chair and being told what we were going to show him. We still strapped him in for good measure. But about ten seconds normally does it,” Master Bater shrugged,

“except for Ken Clarke, we had him strapped down here for a week solid and he just laughed and laughed. He told us after serving under Thatcher there’s sod all we can put on the projector to cause him to buckle. His internal movies from the 80’s are more terrifying than any cinematic masterpiece we could knock out, whether it features a giant dildo or not.”

LCD Views can report from a state of near rapture today that the mysterious Brexit dividend has been identified as finding out just how many useful, and useless, idiots were elected to Parliament on June 8th 2017.

”Three hundred and nineteen at last count,” an aide to soon to be ousted speaker, John Bercow told us, “they just had another of those vote things. You know, when MPs pretend they still matter, but really they’re just there for appearance sake.”

Apparently the number isn’t static though and changes day by day.

”It depends on which way Labour think the wind is blowing any given day,” the aide continued, “that banner held up by the kids freaked Jezz out a little, so they decided to come out strong today, bargaining the so called Tory rebels would fold like deckchairs again. It was a good gamble. Not exactly a long shot, but it paid off if you look at their activists on Twitter.”

But why do the Tories keep folding like deck chairs on the Titanic?

”All mouth and no trousers,” the aide said, “they want to get down on record they were paying close attention as their government crashed the country hard into the wall of reality. About as close attention as they were paying when the hostile environment policies were passed under their noses.”

We’ve heard too the Tory whips have a phrase that is as powerful as kryptonite against most Tory MPs playing superman?

”Yes. Jeremy Corbyn will be prime minister. Scares their pants brown.”

So what’s to happen to parliament now the MPs have voted to make themselves almost pointless? Based on the assumption the government will replace Bercow with a pliant ERG Borg psycho as whip before year end?

“The public is set to save millions. It’s a real Brexit dividend. Westminster MPs are to be replaced by curtains, as they’re only window dressing now anyway.”

The woman clinging grimly to power by the skin of her teeth has outlined her plans for funding the NHS. The so-called “Brexit Dividend” is to be funded by tax cuts.

The stunning increase in revenue from cutting taxes is yet another paradox which soon becomes self-explanatory. These are Alt Tax Cuts.

“Brexit is vital to fund the NHS properly,” said the PM’s spokesman Toadie Lyne. “Once we recoup that £350m a week, or whatever figure is being bandied about this week by the traitors in our midst, everyone will be better off. A small contribution from the public may be needed, and Alt Tax Cuts will achieve this.”

“This is a tax increase by the back door!” thundered brave MP Ria Liszt. “The people will never agree to this. Vote for cuts, moan about the lack of funding, that’s the British way.”

“These are not tax increases, they are Alt Tax Cuts!” Lyne countered. “Leaving a massively lucrative trading bloc will enrich us all. The EU will be so desperate to have us back that they will fund our NHS for us. That’s what tomorrow’s Daily Mail will say, anyway.”

Latest figures suggest that each of us will be Alt Better Off to the tune of at least £1000 per household. Possibly even more.

It is at least now clear where the Magic Money Tree is. It’s in the pockets of each and every one of us taxpayers. Unfortunately, not even its most adventurous tendril has yet to reach the mythical treasure troves of the super rich.

Jeremy Corbyn is believed to have been wrong footed by this latest piece of government mendacity. Not knowing whether an Alt Tax Cut is a good thing or a bad thing, he is whipping up a frenzy of uncertainty. Meanwhile, Ria Liszt is said to be looking for another job.

Take Back Control. Alt. Delete.

There are reports of mass confusion and rage amongst the gammon electorate, and the true believers following any messiah they can find, today as latest polling by Sum1PlsGov reports Belgian MEP Guy Maurice Marie Louise Verhofstadt has overtaken ‘Don’t Know’ as preferred prime minister of the United Kingdom.

Mister Guy had yet to comment on the surprising result at the time of going to print, but close aides suggest the Leader of the Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe is taking it in his stride.

“No shock here, after he called out Nigel Farage as the Russian cheerleader that he is, arguably doing a lot to further Putin’s presumed aim of smashing up the European Union, hand in hand with sociopathic tax dodgers and kleptocrats from all over the globe,” someone claiming to be an aide told us, “also it’s probably to do with the words Liberals and Democrats being included in his party’s name. The UK is reportedly withering on the democratic vine for want of such words in action.”

But avid reader of The Daily Fail, Mr Pork Scratchings, was livid,

“He’s got woman’s names!” he told us, “woman’s names! How the hell can he be a Guy with woman’s names!”

We weren’t getting much more out of Scratchings, so we looked for something quotable from the cult following that old guy about who carries a sandal and a little red book wherever he goes.

“This so called democrat is undermining the leader!” bellowed the faithful, “undermining the leader! Without total faith, and complete failure to examine the leader’s behaviour, there is no chance of the leader becoming the leader! It’s a betrayal of the leader! I need someone to lead me! Don’t threaten my emotional investment in the leader! He can’t try and stop Brexit, regardless of the fact that not being able to stop bad things happening, but being prepared to resist them, is the sum total of his whole career! Now is not the time to resist. Once the entire country is a smoking ruin, that is the time to fight back! Till then, stand in the rain with your powder and keep it dry!”

As to a quote from the mass of other people in the United Kingdom, daily reading reports of the economy going to hell in a hand cart, and racists mass demonstrating on the streets of the capital, along with tearing up of established democratic norms, there was only silence, because their views no longer count as the United Kingdom had its last vote of consequence in an opinion poll a couple of years ago now.

Oysters living in beds on the briny beach have abandoned efforts to halt their being taken for a “walk up the beach” by the Walrus and the Carpenter following “significant” concessions made by the Carpenter.

“We have received the personal assurances from the Carpenter that she will agree to the broad thrust of our proposals for a “meaningful vote” on both the planned walk up the beach, and also on the potential use of pepper and vinegar,” said a spokesman for the rebel oysters, Gromonic Dieve.

Confirming that talks on ancillary agreements concerning the issue of “seas and ships and sealing wax” had been successfully concluded, he added that a deal over “cabbages and kings” was imminent but that some differences still remained concerning “why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings”,  which he was sure could be ironed out without unnecessary unpleasantness.

Commenting briefly on the agreement, the Carpenter said only that it was “A matter of trust”, but declined to rule out the possible future introduction of bread and butter into the proceedings.

However, despite the assurances offered by the Carpenter, the Walrus appeared to rule out backing the oyster’s consultation plan.

“Oyster walking is a constitutional issue. You cannot have crustaceans dictating policy to mammals,” he said sternly.

“We held a referendum between the two of us which returned a clear unanimous majority in favour of continuing the walk on our own terms. We cannot, and indeed should not allow our principles to be overturned; ” he added.

Having expressed their contentment with the Carpenter’s assurances Dieve confirmed that he and his fellow rebel oysters had, as agreed,  brushed their coats, washed their faces and donned neat, clean shoes, but requested a degree of leeway over the speed of peregrination due to corpulence factors beyond their control.

“Some of us are out of breath, and all of us are fat,” he pointed out, thanking the Carpenter for her consideration in allowing them more time to “hop through the frothy waves” and “scramble to the shore” before setting off at a “gentle trot”.

Efforts by reporters to contact the oysters following their walk, to confirm compliance by the Walrus and Carpenter with the pre-agreed conditions, were  unfortunately unsuccessful.

Speaking to LCD views, the Walrus confirmed that all the oysters had indeed enjoyed a pleasant run but had unanimously declined to return to their bed.

“We did offer them to chance to trot off home again but none responded to our offer,” he said licking a stray blob of butter from his tusk.