Michael Gove insists Titanic was strengthened by contact with iceberg

LCD VIews can report today on the amazing scientific discoveries of Michael Gove, MP for somewhere in Surrey that needs its water tested, who has discovered that the Titanic was strengthened by contact with the iceberg.

”It’s because ice is very, very hard, especially a mountain of it with reality ridges,” Michael told a roomful of people who would otherwise have spent their time wondering when he would f*ck off.

”And I challenge anyone to disprove there is a location more strong and stable than the place the Titanic settled after contact with the iceberg all those years ago.”

Mr Gove, long recognised as the herpes raging in the fluids of the UK’s democracy, is apparently determined to multiply himself even faster by venturing into topics normally reserved for other experts.

”You can’t cure me,” he winked, “you just hope for those quiet spells inbetween my flare ups.”

Quite why Mr Gove has decided to talk with such self confidence on the matter of massive unsinkable ships that sunk is open to speculation.

”It’s because he’s aware you need to keep saying words at people so they believe them,” our bullshit artist specialist opined, “clearly the Titanic had a great big hole ripped in the side of it, sunk and masses of people died. But Mr Gove believes too little focus is given to the positive influence on British culture by the calamity. Such as the film named after the ship.”

I wouldn’t say that was a positive? The only thing accurate about that movie was that a big ship sunk.

”Yes, but, if you made it onto a life boat you survived. Like now, if you have invested your money sensible in tax havens.”

What about all the people who didn’t find a life boat, due in large part to the failure of the designers to make preparations for the obvious potential of disaster?

”You mean because the designers of the ship were too convinced of their own genius?”

A bit like Brexit.

”Well, I wouldn’t go comparing the two. Brexit has clearly strengthened the United Kingdom and made us a more welcoming place to foreigners.”

You’ve been spending too much time with Michael Gove.

”Hasn’t everybody?”

Tories to recruit young voters with meat loaf offer after hearing they’re all talking about gammon

The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.

”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,

“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”

So what are you doing then with this song?

“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”

Yours. It is a song.

“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”

So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.

“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”

LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.

But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.

To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.

This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.

You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.

‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.

I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.

Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?

I can do that.

I can do that. Yippee.

Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?

I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.

I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’

The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.

Tories to recruit young voters with meat loaf offer after hearing they’re all talking about gammon

The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.

”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,

“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”

So what are you doing then with this song?

“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”

Yours. It is a song.

“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”

So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.

“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”

LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.

But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.

To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.

This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.

You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.

‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.

I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.

Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?

I can do that.

I can do that. Yippee.

Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?

I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.

I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’

The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.

 

Dummy confident of surviving crash the economy test. Because. It’s. A. Dummy

LCD Views is thrilled to have been afforded the opportunity to talk to a popular model of crash test dummy today, just before it undergoes another ‘crash the economy’ test against the customs union wall.

“I’m all strapped in. My hands are on the steering wheel,” the dummy told us, a little breathlessly, “I don’t know which why I’m supposed to turn the wheel though? I never can decide. Each time I undertake a test it leaves me with amnesia. Silly me. What a dummy!”

Don’t worry, you don’t have to steer the test car.

“Why not? But I’m in the driver’s seat.”

You just think you are.

“Now you’re confusing me. Why don’t I have to steer?”

You’re just supposed to crash into that hard, unrelenting, smashifying brick wall as hard as you can and take out as many check and balance bricks as possible!

“Oh! Even a dummy can do that!”

We know. That’s why you’re in the driver’s seat.

“I can turn right. I’m sure I can manage that. As hard right as you like?”

You’ve turned in that direction enough already. Have you seen the damage you’ve done to the test bystanders? I would suggest straightening up a lot before your repeated collisions with the reality wall lead to a heavy far left adjustment that will likely do just as much damage.

“Oh, that far left dummy is already in the car with me! In the back seat. Take a look. He thinks he’ll survive the test too. I’ve told him if I go down he’s coming with me. Did you read those articles stating that Labour shared its entire voter database with Leave EU in the later half of 2015?”

That was not a drill.

“No. Amazing. It’s like the whole test was rigged from the start. Well, here I go. Put the pedal to the medal and hit the wall as hard as you can.”

Do you ever wonder what’s on the other side of the wall?

“Oh, I’m not that big of a dummy. It’s tax havens and mountains of kleptocratic wealth determined to stew the democracies of the world to shit!”

Wow. Enjoy the ride!

“You too! You’re in the boot of the test car!.”

FFS.

Cabinet finalising two different options for post Brexit customs union

The brightest and the best of British politics are to meet tomorrow to decide on the preferred option to put to the European Union again for new, post Brexit customs arrangements, having been separated into working groups to decide on options already rejected by the largest trading bloc on Earth. Because that’s how Global Britain rolls.

”I favour a great big whoosh!” said state funded economic arse-onist, Boris Johnson, “bally big fire! Forget the popcorn, bring the marshmallows!”

And while he appears to bafflingly have considerable support amongst colleagues for the ‘just set fire to the world and watch it all burn’ customs arrangements, some of his peers aren’t signed up to his plan.

“Surely we’d be better off putting the pedal to the medal and slamming the economy into the nearest tree?” Ms May, nominal head of the teams asked, “you know, use the technology available. Internal combustion engine, four wheels and a tree? Not everyone will go through the windscreen, surely?”

It’s uncertain which option will be chosen, it’s also highly possible no option will be chosen and the decision delayed again just so Ms May can continue pretending she’s the one making decisions, that she never makes.

Which is par for course for a micro-managing control freak confronted with a big picture decision with more variables than is psychologically safe for her to consider at once.

We asked the European Union what they thought of the tree or flaming zeppelin proposals for post Brexit cross border trade?

”We’ve already said no to both,” a boring foreign chap in a suit droned on relentlessly in a pragmatic way that is just putting everyone in political power in the U.K. to sleep.

So let’s not listen to them. If only they would stop ears dropping on our news and media, it’d all be so much easier. We don’t bother to learn their languages because we’re superior. What right have they to learn ours? They’re just jealous of our exceptionalism.

And all these rules based systems so people don’t destroy industries that take decades of investment and commitment to nuture? Yawn.

We next asked if perhaps the people of the United Kingdom should be tasked with deciding between slamming at full speed into a tree or falling burning and screaming to the ground in terror, or perhaps not doing either?

But John Humphrys phoned us up and shouted like the blinkered, comfortably biased old timer he now is that the PEOPLE HAD A VOTE. Past tense on the democratic front.

It’s all rather confusing. This is because the decisions about our future are being predicated on what keeps a couple of dozen f*ckwits in power a little longer and not what is best for the country. Better get the marshmallows. Or strap yourself in. Take your pick?

Maybot issues call for help from Downing Street water closet

The fully automated prime ministerial system Maybot 9000 has issued a call for help from the 10 Downing Street water closet after becoming trapped inside with her own screams.

”We’re bloody chuffed,” IT specialist on the project, Mr R Murdoch, told LCD Views, “we didn’t even realise the Maybot 9000 was capable of turning handles, let alone succeeding in locking itself inside a water closet.”

But capable of it she is.

”It’s quite amazing. When we showcased her to the commissioning committee in 2016, we had to prove we had programmed her to push doors with pull written on them. It didn’t occur to anyone to test the AI with handles you can turn.”

But it seems the surprises keep coming, and the call for help, issued this morning was another.

”A Tory 1922 systems platform being capable of going online and utilising social media? Well, none of the actual human simulations can do that. After calling and calling for help and no one answering it seems she got inventive. Which is also odd, as she’s only programmed to use messenger pigeons. Most of those get eaten over London by falcons.

But it seems we may have accidentally produced a Terminator? If the tin can can turn doors. At least so far as civil liberties and anyone not born to inherited wealth who can just buy themselves a burgundy passport is concerned.”

So did a crew go and help her?

”What?”

Surely once the call for help was identified floating about Twitter and Facebook a team was sent to open the door?

”Well she’s locked herself in on the inside. I don’t think anyone is in a great hurry. We’re actually curious to see how long it takes for her to figure a way out of the corner she’s backed herself into.

Right now, we can see from her onboard CCTV, she’s just turning in desperate circles saying, ‘I’m sorry Dave. You ran away. I’m sorry Dave’.”

She’s apologising to someone?

”It sounds more like an accusation. She injects something about making sweet, sweet love to a pig’s face every now and then.”

So how long till she can free herself?

”Based on current performance? I’d say never. She’ll be decommissioned and serve out her long battery life as a flashing light on the turn off to a road to nowhere.”

You mean driving along the road Brexit?

”Oh, she’s already a warning about that. It’s a tangible benefit of the Maybot 9000 project. I hope people are paying attention.”

 

May announces Tantric Brexit in which the moment of truth is delayed as long as possible

Theresa May has declared that the inevitable climax of Brexit is to be postponed for an indefinite period, well at least until October 31st. This open-ended ‘transition period’ will, presumably, be strung out for as long as she can manage it. Westminster insiders are describing it as a Tantric Brexit.

In this scenario, the act of Brexit will, to an uncritical observer, continue unabated. However, the participants are actually working to ensure that they stay engaged for a much longer time than would normally be expected. The trick is to remain strong and stable during the entirety of the process.

LCD Views’ Inappropriate Innuendo correspondent spoke to insider Pat Mybottom. “Tantric Brexit means that the UK gets shafted for as long as possible,” she stated. “It’s more of a coming together than breaking up. We will maintain the deep and special relationship with the EU.”

What are the implications for the UK? Is this a good deal, or a bad deal?

“It’s a big deal, and that’s all that matters,” retorted Mybottom. “Tantric means Tantric. It’s a boy job and a girl job, and we are getting on the job… I mean, getting on with the job in hand. A job in the hand is worth two in the bush. Theresa May is very clear about this. Anything less would be a blow for the UK.”

We also spoke to Tantric expert Mr Sting, a much-loved popular musician. “Let me first quash rumours that I have re-recorded one of my greatest hits as ‘Can’t Stand Losing EU’,” he said. “Nor ‘Brexit In A Bottle’ or ‘Fields Of Wheat’. Although I may do so at some point in the future. Deferred gratification is very much my personal philosophy.”

But will the UK and the EU have a cigarette afterwards, or will the UK shamefully slink off home with its knickers in its handbag? Time will tell.

Blocked by Boris – Mayhem tries another customary u-turn but Bojo’s knife stops her

Freakish and scary and totally unexpected news today as Britain’s travelling Secretary of State for International Clown Shows, Boris ‘Bojo’ (the clown) Johnson, has taken advantage of the security of May’s inability to fire anyone to stick the knife firmly into his boss Theresa Mayhem’s back, again.

“It shows his smarts,” our political arts correspondent commented, “if you’re going to plunge the knife into your boss you need to do it to a boss too terrified to respond, thus boosting your status in office politics and diminishing theirs.

This wound will fester.”

Presumably it also shows he plans more than one day at a time?

“I wouldn’t go that far,” our analyst says, “more his cunning. A kind of brute, animal cunning. Not especially developed, but serves well when ambushing weaker prey.”

But surely this is all just some big tent entertainment?

A centre ring careerist like Bojo needs to grab headlines or he’ll be sat alone in his dressing room applying his make up for the next show, desperately wondering if the crowd still loves him.

“Bojo is first and foremost an attention seeking journalist. Don’t forget that. He feeds off the attention like a leech on the calf of the great unwashed.

But he also completely misunderstood all the classics and history he’s studied and believes he’s emulating Churchill. Which is a bit f*cking rich. But it does to remember some people are capable of much greater degrees of self-deceit than normal.”

Okay. It’s a little hard to see why this customs partnership lark is back on the table at Downing Street anyway, given the EU have repeatedly said no to the idea.

“Mrs Mayhem is known as much for her repetition of self-defeating phrases and non-solutions as to her ability to abruptly about turn when startled. She’s not listening to the EU. She thinks she’ll find a magic solution and they’ll be dazzled.”

She’s an idiot? Or is she a clown too?

“The saddest clown I’ve ever seen, if that’s so. I’d go for the former description.”

Any other insights to add?

“Yes. If you think Boris isn’t maneuvering for a shot at being circus master, after the demolition of May’s human shield Rudd by Boris’ sister in law, and after the encouraging local election results for the Tories, then you’re too dazzled by the big red noses on show and not paying enough attention.”

My indecision is final, says woman having to make tough choices

Prime Minister for now at least, Theresa May, is faced with many tough and unpalatable choices. This is par for the course for any PM, but Theresa is in the habit of ducking her challenges.

Without wishing to be catty, the hardline Eurosceptics in her party have dogged her footsteps all the way. Brexit, the white elephant in the room, is making her life very uncomfortable.

LCD Views caught up with May in an abandoned cowshed in the middle of nowhere. Although not among the select few invited to attend, two Bovine Impersonation correspondents dressed in a pantomime cow costume, and gained entrance by allowing themselves to be milked.

“Let me be quite clear about this,” said May in a voice that curdled the milk. “This country has a number of difficult choices to make, and my indecision is final.”

Which choices are these, ventured a sympathetic hack, as the pantomime cow let out a low moan.

“We have a number of options to consider,” May continued. “The Customs Union, A Customs Union, The Customs Partnership, A Customs Partnership, or a hybrid model. Of course these must be debated ferociously, and the needs of the realists balanced with the desires of the swivel-eyed loons. The buck stops with me, well it would but I just can’t help passing it.”

What about the Irish border, enquired another journalist. The pantomime cow gasped.

“There are plenty of options on the table,” said May. “Hard, soft, frictionless, technological. Or hard as possible, soft as possible and so on. The pros and cons of each must be passed back and forth endlessly, rejected time and again by the EU, until the final whistle blows.”

Then we crash out with no deal, exclaimed an astonished junior columnist. The cow stifled a shout.

“Yes. Or no,” replied May. “I’m not sure yet.”

But surely the country needs certainty, said an exasperated senior editor. “Yes! Yes!” cried the cow.

“That’s quite right,” May answered, as your fully-milked correspondents collapsed. “I am sure of one thing at least. It’s all Jeremy Corbyn’s fault.”

Michael Gove declares sunny Bank Holidays to be a Brexit dividend

Environment Secretary Michael Gove has come, blinking, out of the woodwork and into the sunshine. He has claimed that the fabulous sunny weather this Bank Holiday is a Brexit dividend.

“We Brits are used to cold, rainy Bank Holidays,” Gove drooled. “The excellent sunny weather this time coincides with our triumphant exit from the EU. Coincidence? I don’t believe in coincidences!”

Gove continued, after wiping the sweat from his pale, greasy brow. “We promised to Take Back Control!” he oozed. “We have taken back control of our weather. If the EU doesn’t like it, they can lump it. We have already got Proper Winters Like We Used To Have back too!”

Meteorological expert Stormy Daniels was not so sure. “We often have fine weather in May,” she remarked. “Although the snow in March was quite unusual. That was probably due to the climate changes which Mr Gove and his ilk strenuously deny.”

“Experts, pah!” slobbered Gove. “There is now a strong and stable high pressure area permanently above the British Isles. Brexit means eternal sunshine and spotless minds.”

Concerned for Gove’s mental state, LCD Views contacted government shrink Shay Zlong. Dr Zlong revealed that Gove had once had a close relationship with reality, but it had gone horribly wrong. He disclosed that Gove, traumatised and disillusioned, had undertaken a medical procedure to remove all memories of reality.

“Unfortunately, divorcing yourself from reality can mean that delusions take hold,” said Zlong sadly. “Fantasy takes over. Unicorns gallop over the rainbow and paradoxes vanish up their own backsides. This, alas, appears to be the case with Mr Gove.”

Is there anything that can be done for him?

“The real memories are still there,” said Zlong. “The procedure trains the brain to bypass them. In most cases the procedure is reversible. In the dungeons at Westminster there is a cell we call Room 101. An MP is locked in there and Michal Husain bombards them with facts and figures until they relent.”

MPs beware. Big Sister is watching you.