Category: Governing the people

Downing Street have released a photo this morning of the cabinet, taken during a special emergency meeting that discussed nothing and went all night, to prove they are unified and going in the same direction.

“There is no chance of Amber being forced to resign,” an insider told us, “no matter how much she now resembles a hard, crystallised relic holding dead insects inside that you might dig up in the ground and wonder how the bugs got trapped inside.”

The move will reassure the Home Secretary who is coming under increasing pressure to resign from her position because Ms May is physically incapable of firing anyone for lying or incompetence, especially when the lying and incompetence is the direct result of policies initiated when Ms May was in the position Ms Rudd is now.

“She’d have to fire the whole show ffs,” the source said, “if they were conditions for termination. Lying. Incompetence. It’s modern. What’s the problem? The main aim of modern politics in certain western democracies is to sell people bullshit to believe so tax havens get fatter. It’s how we do it now.”

Speculation that Ms Rudd is only continuing in post because she’s a human shield for the prime minister is flaring across social media.

“May was promoted beyond her abilities as home secretary,” our source said, “I’ve bugger all idea how she’s survived this long as prime minister. Especially with an opposition party determined to root out the red tories and other wrong thinkers in their own ranks. Deselect them! Once they’re purified they’ll come after us and that’ll be grim.”

Asked for a comment on Rudd’s position the prime minister’s office gave us this official statement,

“Amber Rudd will continue as Theresa May’s human shield until she’s so bullet ridden she can’t stand up,” the statement said, “especially as there’s a scandal a week to come now as we build on eight years of neocon greed is good politics while in office.”

Good luck Amber. We don’t mean it. We remember your opening speeches when you took over the Home Office. You were just following orders from the hard right coup leaders I suppose? One by one. Fi Fo Fo Fum.

Her Majesty’s Government is coming under increasing pressure to block a planned July visit by a famous hate preacher to the United Kingdom.

The man in question, known as David Dennison, aka Pastor Donald Trump, is due to arrive in the United Kingdom on Friday July 13th, but anti-fascist campaigners and other groups like, ‘Anyone with a sense of decency’, are said to be planning mass public protests to make the hate preacher certain what they believe of his views.

“It’s shocking that he’s leaving his church to travel to Britain in the first place,” an equality campaigner told LCD Views, “he normally only leaves his safe space, known as the golf course, to go to the toilet and tweet his insane belief system to the world about 5am every morning. The number of tweets believed to be dependent on how constipated he is from a diet of only cheeseburgers, fizzy pop, Fox News and staring at himself in the mirror.”

The insane belief system is known to involve a moveable feast of the worst of human nature from KKK and white supremacy, to legitimising sexual assault by being elected to the most important office of state on Earth, most likely thanks to assistance from organised crime figures, to encouraging racism, sexism and other forms of prejudice as a means to an end for personal profit.

Essentially he harnesses the energies of dispossessed socio-demographic groups in American society, while having zero intention of doing anything to assist them. It’s why he called himself Mr Brexit, although it could also be because of the presumed Kremlin interference in both the UK EUref and the last US presidential election.

“I guess it makes sense that he’s traveling now,” the campaigner added, “his views are so extreme, the dirty money trails swirling around him becoming so clear, it’s likely he won’t be traveling anywhere apart from a holding pen to the courthouse before the year is out.”

But why has the UK government failed to block his visit, when the potential damage to anyone close to the preacher is certain?

“Are you kidding?” a spokesman for the office of the prime minister told us, “Thames Water are terrified of what will happen if they block the visit. The sheer volume of stored urine that would be poured into the sewers of London alone is judged sufficient to overwhelm the network and flood the city.”

Public safety is clearly a concern.

“Also, it’s highly likely that Theresa May won’t still be prime minister when David Dennison lands on the UK’s shores,” they added, “so she’s basically setting up a nightmarish diplomatic trap for whoever follows her. To cancel the visa or not to cancel? It’s a nice up yours to the Queen too. May is still trying to work out how to pay her back for that EU hat. So it will give her something to smile about as she listens to her husband count their money as her PA organises to get her on the well paid after dinner speaking circuit.”

Hot on the heels of Corbyn’s slow response to the Royal Baby, the Daily Express has laid into him again. He is now guilty of not condemning foreigners for irresponsible breeding.

As Britain gears up to feed another baby born of European stock, a row is brewing. The basis of it is that Corbyn hasn’t done enough to root out Labour members who might have foreign ancestors.

As leader of the so-called opposition, Corbyn is required to take up two contradictory positions at any given time. This is necessary training to become Prime Minister. The PM herself must believe up to six impossible things before breakfast.

Protocol dictates that congratulations, however insincere, must be forthcoming. Imagine the furore had Corbyn commented before Theresa May’s programmers had finished choosing the most appropriate cliché.

The Royal Sprog’s parents, Will and Kate Oxbridge, are believed to be doing well, since there are plenty of people in the Royal household running round after them. The message from Buckingham Palace read “Nanny and baby are doing well.”

There has been much speculation about the baby’s name. Some wags have suggested he be named Jeremy. Ladbroke’s are offering odds of 10-1 for Dwayne, 50-1 on George II, and 5000-1 on Baby McBabyface.

The Duke of Edinburgh has been getting involved with typical German efficiency. “I do hope they don’t call it something stupid like Eugenie,” he reportedly said. “And I’m not a bloody German, I’m Greek!”

The Duke also disclosed that the baby had inherited his father’s hair, before being dragged off by George and Charlotte to play at being fuzzy-wuzzies again.

We tried to interview the Little Prince himself. He opened an eye, removed the nipple from his mouth, and said “I’m a newborn baby, I can’t talk yet. Now bugger orff, I’m feeding!”

Labour activists belatedly slammed the Express for failing to produce a 19 page Royal Baby supplement. The Express has retaliated by producing a 19 page supplement of pictures of Jeremy Corbyn holding babies, presumed to be foreign.

Great news for backers of parliamentary sovereignty today with the announcement that the House of Lords is to officially replace Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party as the official opposition in the House of Commons, after a successful pilot scheme focused on fundamental human and worker’s rights.

“We weren’t sure how the pilot would go,” Lord Such and Such told LCD Views, “we were a bit worried the old Maybot might attempt to skew the result by creating one thousand new peers.

Or that too many of the Lords would nap.

But it seems old Maybot was so busy staring at her pot plant, wondering why it was withering when she watered it personally, that she forgot to get her list of party donors out in time and ring round to see who wanted a peerage.

Oh, and it seems where their grandkids welfare is concerned, the old Lords are surprisingly alert. Probably something to do with Christmas.”

Under the changes the Lords will sit on the green opposition benches in the Commons and face Theresa May, or whoever is Conservative Party leader next week after the customs union vote this Thursday, and give her the sort of welly she’s been missing.

“You wait until Adonis cracks the whip,” Lord Such and Such said, “although we’ll probably give the job of leader in the lower house to Heseltine as that will be the biggest wind up.

No one saw this coming. Thatcher era Tory party politicians being demonstrably more concerned with the long term welfare of the man and woman on the street than this current, caring Conservative mob.”

Asked for comment to the changes, expected to be performed initially with the Queen watching in her EU hat, and later unsupervised, the Labour Party replied,

“The people had a vote, it’s not our job to protect fundamental worker’s rights in the commons. Anyway, we’ve a small meeting to attend at a town hall somewhere. Stoking the revolution. Wait until Brexit has you all broken and eating out of bins and then see if you don’t join the revolution.”

Responding for the government Amber Rudd replied,

“Who doesn’t trust us to preserve basic rights after we’ve thrown off all those irritating rights enshrined in EU laws and treaties? There’s nothing in our record in government that says we don’t really genuinely value all people.

Our hard right paymasters are also going to be pretty cheesed if the Lords don’t just read out letters from individual constituents week after week but actually attack us on all the massive holes in our armour.

If they take up Cambridge Analytica we’re totally stuffed, it potentially goes right to the top of government.

Good thing Jezza is a Brexiter and not that much interested in discovering how deep the complete and utter corruption of our electoral system has gone.

What if the Lords start demanding under parliamentary privilege that we get to the bottom of where Bank’s massive money injection came from in 2015?

The mind boggles at the threat of having an official opposition not playing some dumb “long game”, but actually tearing us to shreds as they could. Some pundits say we’d fall in a week.”

The lords were also asked to make further comment but they were too busy leaping.

Britain’s most principled politician, Saint Jeremy of Islington North, is to promise to make Brexit Day a national holiday, so he can finally get a poll lead on the worst prime minister anyone can remember.

“It’s a puzzle it is,” an aide to Saint Jeremy said to LCD Views, before rushing off to report this page to Facebook for undermining the leader, “we have the worst government anyone can remember for a long time.

It’s demonstrably cruel, it’s institutionally racist, it’s dedicated itself to economic calamity to further enrich a tiny minority of the people, i.e. Brexit, which equals Nigel Farage and his values, in case your global readership has forgotten, and Theresa May is polling better than Saint Jeremy?”

It’s a bit of a puzzle, we agree. I would have thought the centre, the left and right of it, the swing vote would have swung tectonically to Labour by now, just for sanity, just for hope? I suspect you guys would just crush the Tories if you stood against the Brexit lies rather than trying to fudge it and appeal to all sides. There is a mountain of votes up for grabs.

The polling for the smaller parties not changing much isn’t an indication that fighting Brexit won’t gain you mass support, it’s because Brexit is so huge an issue that voters are looking to one of the major parties to deal with it. The ones with the power to make an immediate difference.

“You’ve just bored me with all those words. Can I continue where I was?”

Please do.

“We potentially have the worst prime minister ever and we can’t get a poll lead on the government?

I mean, what the, there should really be a public inquiry, because we just can’t puzzle it out.

Well, we can blame the public of course. That’s one of our key psychological survival tools. Denigrate and blame anyone who dares to question any of Saint Jeremy’s policies. I learnt that from arguing with kippers online. It’s why I’m supporting Jeremy’s support of Brexit, which is UKIP.

Most of my day is spent sending messages to anyone who raises a query about Saint Jeremy by calling them a ‘centrist, yellow tory, blairite who is propping up this cruel government and you are directly responsible for what the tories do because you undermine the leader by not supporting his job’s first Brexit’.

Well, less polite than that.

I have to make it quick because I need to get my comrades to send the same message and retweet ‘blairite scum’ at them for day after day, until they’re all finally muted.

Even though that class traitor probably didn’t vote for Blair. Facts don’t matter. We’re doing populism now too. Populism and insults. It worked a treat for UKIP. It’ll get those class traitors sufficiently shamed to vote for us.”

So it’s thought that by pandering to Leave voters more and promoting a policy certain to be popular with them will help Labour finally crack. We mean, finally crack the riddle of the polls?

“It’s a no fail strategy. If we promise to make Brexit Day, the 29th of March, a public holiday, who won’t vote for us? I mean, who doesn’t want a day off?”

Jobs first Brexit policy is certainly going to enable the Tories to give potentially hundreds of thousands many days off.

“Why’s that?”

Because they’ll be searching for a job to replace the job that went first with a jobs first Brexit policy.

“Are you undermining the leader?”

NO. I’m calling for him to act like a friggin’ opposition leader and resist the racism fuelled, rights stripping neoliberal economic, asset stripping shitshow that is Brexit.

“Yellow Tory Blairite Class Traitor.”

Explain to me how Brexit is going to enable Labour to enact all those much needed policies to address social inequality and protect and regenerate all those areas of the country that are suffering and then insult me again.

“You just have to have to faith in Saint Jeremy.”

That’s not an answer.

“It’s not our fault or Saint Jeremy’s if you don’t vote for us. It’s because you don’t care about people.”

Thank you for coming. Good luck solving the riddle of the polls. I’ll give you a hint. It’s because Saint Jeremy is a Brexiter and that’s no choice because Brexit will govern all.

“Yellow tory. Getting ready for your re-tweets. You’re enabling the Tory Brexit.”

There is only Brexit. Anyone that tells you otherwise is being economical with the truth.

“See, we won’t overspend in that area!”

Or any other, if you continue to support Brexit and don’t fight for the good of everyone against the proven lies of the Brexiters.

“Immigrants are undermining the workers.”

I’m going now. Thank you for coming. Enjoy your attempt at populism.

 

The government has offered much needed clarity this morning about their guiding philosophy.

”Break first and repair later,” Irritated Duncan Table MP told a fawning and entirely imaginary Andrew Marr on his soon to be discontinued morning chat show. Discontinued because what really is the point Andrew? These days?

When Mr Marr responded,

”Oh you are just the epitome of the noble English ideal of a wise and well governing gentleman. I remember, when I was misunderstanding Churchill…”

This happened for a while and then,

”But why break what isn’t really broken? Why not just look to improve and repair where needed?”

Irritated Table Smith reached forward and touched Mr Marr reassuring on the knee and replied.

”It’s the very essence of disaster capitalism,” he replied, “you need to break systems that are well proven to function in order to cause their price to plummet.”

Mr Marr enquired, with a doff of the cap, “why?”

”So you can make an absolute killing without producing anything. Once you’ve purchased the undervalued asset due to the preparatory work to trash its cost, you stabilise it, returning it to profitability and funnel all the profits to Panama, or the tax haven of your choice. That’s if you haven’t just broken it to it’s component parts and sold them on of course.”

Mr Marr nodded approvingly and sang a short song of love to show how comfortably feathered and lazy he, Robinson, Humphrys, Neil (with aberrant, occasional bursts of enquiry when he recalls what his job is) are these days. In fact the other old chaps of what was once British journalism came out for the encore.

”Ah, so that’s the Brexit strategy too? Break entire country for the profit of a few? And luckily parliament is full of just enough useful idiots to squeeze things through. Well, for the time being.”

A home office memo leaked to LCD Views regarding proposed policy changes forcing honesty in politics reveals the changes were abandoned after ministers were warned most would be kicked out of office.

”The memo dates from just after David Cameron’s caring conservatives were unleashed to govern alone in 2015,” crack investigative reporter Rosie reveals, “due to the promise to hold an in/out referendim on whether or not to completely destroy the United Kingdom, it was apparent that lying through the teeth was going to be vital for many sitting MPs to survive the ref campaign.”

As such any changes to rules governing the behaviour of elected representatives and holding them more fully accountable when they bullshit the public like there’s no tomorrow we’re seen as an existential threat.

”We’ve seen the wisdom of accepting the advice of civil servants that most MPs would be stuffed if they made the changes and how much foresight was involved in not changing a damn thing.”

Happily the freedom to rig select committees in the government’s favour by way of obscure legislative instruments means they’re safe in that way too.

”David Davis would have been out on his ear the day he took office. Boris would have been forcibly ejected from parliament at his maiden speech. Theresa May? Christ. She also would lose her job day in and day out.”

But what have Labour to say about the revelations.

”Jobs first Brexit. Blaming migrant workers for eroding living conditions of leave supporters. Calling for article 50 to be triggered the day after the referendum. Whipping MPs in support of Theresa May at most crunch points so far in the Brexit process. They’ve a fair bit to say.”

But not all of those are lies.

”No. Some are just grossly incompetent.”

So we’re stuck with lying ministers in government till 2022?

”Not necessarily. The people can remember democracy functions best when elected politicians are held to account for their actions.

We can all change this system before it’s too late if we get serious. If enough voters demand it.

Preferably before people start digging up undeclared caches of arms in Northern Ireland. Not that I’m saying there are any. You know, hypotheticals and all that. Brexiters.

They’ll get people killed. Don’t let them get away with it.”

A woman who is currently under a bit of pressure at work is to be excused of responsibility for a series of massive cock ups as she never knows what’s really going on where she works.

“It’s not her fault,” an aide to the woman told LCD Views, “she’s been promoted beyond her competency. Anyone can see that.

It actually occurred a promotion or two ago.

I blame her old manager. Blase. Disinterested in detail. He thought just because she’s a control freak she’ll do a lot of the heavy lifting for him.

We’ve all had managers like old Dave. Total prat. Breezes through life thanks to privilege. Lives in a villa overseas now. Easy life. No responsibility for the mess he left. That’s democracy for you.”

So it seems, you see, having an inherently suspicious and controlling nature, while it makes for a power hungry idiot convinced of their own righteousness, is no guarantee of ability?

”Oh, she’s plenty of ability all right. Well, relative to the old hippy that’s her main rival in the old business of politics.

He’s a bit of a gift.

Week after week she leaves an open goal for him to steal her plum clients and he kicks the ball into his own net.

And that’s inspite of packing it full defensively. He’s great at guarding a small deal with minor sales, can’t see the big prize though. Total national domination of the market if only he’d offer a genuinely different product.”

So what’s to be done with the individuals in question and the endless cock ups?

”Time and events I expect. And a hell of a lot of excuses. You can’t blame them. They took the wrong fork in the road long ago and never turned back. Early retirement, just like the old pig shagger.”

But shouldn’t they be relieved of their responsibilities before they do more harm?

”In a word, if you like, at the end of the day, yes. As fast as bloody possible. To be honest.”

How to do it?

”A vote of no confidence.”

When?

”As soon as possible. Get it done and ask questions after.”

 

Archaeologists from the Museum of South London are to hold a press conference later this afternoon to detail the fascinating finds uncovered during digs ahead of the planned construction of the controversial Croydon bypass.

Initial reports from the site state that the team from the museum conducting the dig have found a two thousand year old celtic stone plinth containing a Brexit prophecy.

LCD Views are known for our special features on archaeological politics and we were invited to a sneak preview of the plinth, before it goes on display in an open air exhibition on Figges March later this evening.

“Thank you for coming,” dig leader Professor D Igg said.

Our pleasure. You got lucky with the weather.

“We certainly did,” the professor replied, “would you like a Pimms? Or are you more of a real ale type?”

I’ll have what you’re having.

“I’m having shots of tequila,” the professor poured out some shots, “would you mind cutting up the lemon and finding the salt? It’s in that cooler I think, next to my trowel.”

My pleasure. So tell me about this prophecy?

“We’ve been working on the site of the Croydon bypass for three years. We actually found the plinth on the 23rd of June 2016. That in itself seemed portentous.”

And what does it say?

“Curiously it’s written in latin. Although as the ancient celtic tribes of pre-Roman England didn’t have a written language, more a language of symbols and some really wacky abstraction, it is not surprising to see them adopt a continental language when prophesying the future.”

But what does it say?

“Can you cut the lemon into quarters? We’re not going to get far with halves.”

Sorry.

“The language is surprisingly straight forward. What was surprising is the reference to contemporary people on a two thousand year old slab of granite.”

But what does it say?

“Remember it’s lick, sip, suck!”

The plinth tells you how to do tequila like it’s 1999?

“Now you’re just being silly,” the professor tutted, “no, it refers to John Humphrys and Michael Gove.”

And…

“Shots before or after I tell you what it says?”

I think after and then we can have another shot?

“Let’s do it.”

Aahhhhh. Wow. I haven’t had one of those in a while.

“Quite the pick me up.”

But what does it say about Humphrys and Gove?

“It’s very concise. It says when the statue of Michael Gove in John Humphrys’ garden falls then Brexit will end. Only it calls it Brexitus, but that’s just the latin word for Brexit.”

Wow. Is there a statue of Michael Gove in John Humphrys’ garden?

“That’s what we hope to find out. There’s certainly an altar for worshipping Brexiters in the radio 4 Today programme studio, so I suspect there is a statue of Gove in the old warhorse’s back yard.”

He’s probably burying it right now to hide the evidence of bias.

“Don’t worry. We’ll dig it up. Another shot?”

Yes please. Make it a double.

The government was back in fighting form today with the announcement that two billion pounds will be spent by Saturday to set up a shiny new Ministry of Excuses and Whataboutery.

”It’s a matter of urgency,” Tory Patsy MP, who no one has ever heard of before, told LCD Views, “and I am honoured to accept the position of Secretary of State for Excuses. My work will focus predominately on the decisions made by our current prime minister when she was home office minister 2010-2016.”

The Ministry is expected to poach civil servants from across Whitehall initially, before hiring thousands from an agency in which the prime minister’s undeclared second cousin’s former dogwalker’s husband is rumoured to have a share in. This is only alleged, as the company is registered in a tax haven no one can be certain.

”I think tomorrow I’ll just stand outside the entry to DExEU, as a starter,” Tory Patsy revealed, “as a quarter of their staff quit each day, fed up with making excuses for why David Davis is in the Commons bar and not reading his briefs. They’re experts.”

We understand the order to establish the Ministry of Excuses says it will answer directly to 10 Downing Street too?

“The prime minister is pretty pushed trying to arrange the omnishambles of Brexit, she’s not going to get that bungled good and proper to enrich antiques like Rees-mogg and chums if she’s taken up full time apologising for decisions made by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 to 2016.”

We understand that whataboutery will be under your remit too?

”Yes, if excuses fail then you need to tar your opposition with the same brush as rapidly as possible. It’s a key to good governance.”

Tory Patsy MP thank you for your time today. By the way, are you aware your fly is undone?

”And you’ve got some tomato sauce on your tie, which to be frank is just as disturbing.”