Gavin Williamson to replace tarantula Cronus with the doomsday clock in new job

Theresa May’s shock pick for the new Secretary of Defence, Gavin Williamson, has ruffled a few feathers already by advising he is leaving his pet tarantula, Cronus, behind in the chief whip’s office and placing the doomsday clock on his new desk instead.

“I’ve got the nukes to threaten people with now,” He shrugged, dogged by puffing reporters as he attempted to jog in circles on Westminster Green. “What the hell do I want with a spider?”

Indeed.

Our own reporter, Titan Searchlight, was doing his best to keep up with the pack and get LCD Views in on the action.

“Mister Williamson. Mister Williamson”

(Transcript filled with chainsmoker coughing.)

“Mister Williamson. Slow down! It’s LCD Views. We’re not like the rest of these hacks.”

(More coughing. Someone asking what they did to deserve this.)

“Mister Williamson. How soon do you expect to receive a knighthood?”

That grabbed his attention.

“About as soon as next Friday,” He shouted back. “When I tell our terrified Prime Minister that I either take her job now or she gives me a gong.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to manage arguably one of the most important government departments when you’ve not done shit before but threaten Tory MPs with the records of their inappropriate behaviour?” Titan managed to ask between gasps for air.

“Well, I couldn’t stay as chief whip with the shit that’s going to hit the fan over Brexit. Now that the sexual harassment dossier is leaking to the media drip by drip, what the hell am I going to threaten people with to keep them in line?”

“Good point. Thank you for the interview.”

“No problem. No piss off or I’ll order the RAF to use your rundown 1930’s semi in Penge for drone target practise. And that goes for the rest of you. Rabble.”

Reports coming in after the exercise session suggested that Mr Williamson was wasting no time getting down to business.

He has chosen the exact spot on his desk to place the doomsday clock and is said to be enquiring how close you can nudge the hands on the clock before the big bombs go off?

As to the feelings of Cronus on being left behind?

The tarantula is said to be sanguine, fully expecting to be offered the job of minister for the cabinet office any day soon.

New £20 note to be composed solely of pectin and cocaine powder to save on the bitching

The Royal Mint pleased large swathes of the spending public today with the reassurance the new £20 note will be made only from pectin and cocaine powder.

“It’s to save on the bitching,” G. Williamson, deputy head PR explained.

“You know what’s it’s like these days. You’ll always get the nostalgia heads being upset by any form of modernisation, but lately the country’s food choice lobbyists and recreational to extreme drug users have also being complaining.”

It’s believed the pressure from certain high profile cocaine users to ensure new banknotes are easy on the nose has been immense.

“Also the vegetarians. They get exceptionally cranky over the slightest bit of animal in any banknote they intend on ingesting.”

It’s hoped the changed recipe will mean that the new twenty, when it comes into circulation later this month, will blend seamlessly into salads and Friday nights.

“I’d be careful how many of them you add to a lentil stew. We don’t want people overdosing.”

But cocaine use advocacy group, The Campaign for Better Nose Garbage, was upset.

“As we understand it the new twenty pound notes will still not feature any of the famous South American drug tzars of the late twentieth century. It’s high time Escobar was featured on a British banknote to recognise his enduring impact on the UK’s social life and international trade in general.”

Inquiries over who the mint intends to place on the banknote have also raised eyebrows.

“Elizabeth 1st. That way people can have their traditional role models and we can do our bit to further equality in representation.”

LCD Views suspects they may have missed the mark with their choice, as detect more than a sniff of controversy to follow.

Michael Fallon to be exported to Saudi Arabia with next high explosive arms shipment

The office of the prime minister has announced this evening that former defence secretary Michael Fallon is to be exported to Saudi Arabia with the next British shipment of high explosives.

“We are advising them to drop him on Yemen,” a source purporting to work in the ministry of defence told LCD Views.

“He’s done so much work for the region at large already, we really believe his totally sincere explosion of contrition over his past behaviour will go very far to pour oil on troubled waters.”

It’s not clear yet what response the Saudi government has given at the news of the gift.

“He was elected, warts and all, so they may not take too kindly to that. But on the other hand, his past behaviour probably places him right top of any list for promotion as advocate to a women’s rights group put together by the UN to make the Saudis look good. So they could use him that way.”

It’s thought Mr Fallon himself is a little surprised by the distance the prime minister wants to send him.

“Admittedly Michael Gove was reinstated in about twenty four hours, but then he has a friend in a high place, which may explain how quickly he was brought back from ostracism.”

It’s also felt that if the exportation of Mr Fallon is successful then it will pave the way for potentially dozens of other government ministers who may shortly be needing to remove themselves from the spotlight.

Labour are said to be watching closely in case dangerous and unsecured ordinance of their own needs getting rid of.

“We just hope this doesn’t lead eventually to the downfall of the government before we’ve had time to get our hands on those Henry VIII powers.

But with a weapon like Fallon, once he’s pulled the pin on himself, you’ve no real option but to pick him up and throw!”

C of E ordered to resume trial by ordeal as all UK lawyers now work on Brexit

The Home Office issued an executive order this morning commanding the Church of England to resume trial by ordeal for all criminal and civil cases in the United Kingdom.

LCD Views was quick to confront Amber Rudd on the matter and demand to know why centuries of separation of church and state powers had been demolished with an edict.

“It was Jacob’s [Rees-mogg] idea,” the Home Secretary replied, “and David [Lidontin – Lord Chancellor] backed him up, What was I supposed to do? Start a civil war within the party? We’ve enough of those going on as it is.”

The order is effective immediately and further surprise has been caused by the Church of England’s ready acceptance of the proposal.

“We’re back in business!” a representative told LCD. “Things were looking a little dicey there, but hauling sinners over the coals and demanding confession and sitting in judgement, well, it’s a little bit papist, a bit old school, but someone has to do it now all the lawyers and judges are working on Brexit. And what can you expect from Jacob? He is probably right cheesed we’ve got the job.”

And early indications are the people appearing before the vicar to settle a dispute will in reality be hauled over coals.

We next spoke to Brian McBrain, a shopfitter from Chelmsford, who was in court, or church, this morning to face a drunk driving charge.

“The padre said I had a choice of walking over the coals or being dragged,” he confessed, “and the extent of my burns would determine how many points I got given and if I’d face a driving ban or not? I said, I did it, can’t you just punish me and forget the fire?”

McBrain was apparently told the warden hadn’t spent all morning setting up the braziers for nothing and to make his choice.

“So I legged it while I could!” Brian admitted. “I’m not getting dragged over no burning coals just for driving my lorry into a closed Lidl after a few jars.”

This was a poor choice on McBrain’s part. A warrant for his arrest has now been issued by the vicar of his local parish and the organising committee for the Christmas nativity charged with his apprehension.

“Now I’ve absconded I’ve to face the Archbishop of Canterbury. He’ll probably talk me to death. That would be an ordeal! You couldn’t give me a lift to the train station, could you? I can’t hang about.”

We said yes and drove him straight to the Lambeth Palace and into the custody of a rather troubled looking Justin Welby.

Justice will be done, in this world, or the next.

May to visit foodbank for Halloween and carve “pumpkin means pumpkin” into pumpkin

The office of the prime minister let rip this morning with the exciting news that Theresa May is to visit a foodbank today and carve “pumpkin means pumpkin” into a pumpkin.

LCD Views spoke to an aide to the PM to find out more about this genius idea.

“It was the result of intense focus group work over the last twenty four hours,” Mr Rope Babylon illuminated, “we asked nine hungry people what would be the best way for their prime minister to show she scares this Halloween?”

The most popular answer was for the prime minister to go trick or treating with Michael Gove and Jeremy Hunt, but given the last minute nature of the initiative it was believed it would not be possible to get the costumes ready in time.

“The focus group said they didn’t need costumes, but clearly they missed the point of Halloween.”

The second most popular idea put forward by the group was for Ms May to personally visit a foodbank and feed the people.

“We liked that. Straight to the top of the list. We spoke to a few advisors and decided it would be best if she did something traditional while at the chosen foodbank. Perhaps fly on a broom or coat brussel sprouts in chocolate for the children. There were many great ideas.”

LCD Views is aware of which foodbank has been selected, although we are sworn to secrecy. We have however secured a phone interview with one of the managers of the community based enterprise to get their reaction.

“She is going to stand there amongst dozens of humiliated voters and lead them in carving edible pumpkins into the faces of hallowed Conservative Party leaders of the past such as Maggie and IDS. She’s insane. Food hygiene rules mean no one will be able to even use the discarded pumpkin innards to cook with afterwards. I don’t know what she hopes to achieve with this stunt?”

We took that criticism back to Mr Babylon.

“They really can’t see beyond the end of their noses, these bleeding hearts,” Rope retorted, “Now, which do you think is catchier? Pumpkin means pumpkin or red, white and blue pumpkins?”