Theresa May’s shock pick for the new Secretary of Defence, Gavin Williamson, has ruffled a few feathers already by advising he is leaving his pet tarantula, Cronus, behind in the chief whip’s office and placing the doomsday clock on his new desk instead.
“I’ve got the nukes to threaten people with now,” He shrugged, dogged by puffing reporters as he attempted to jog in circles on Westminster Green. “What the hell do I want with a spider?”
Our own reporter, Titan Searchlight, was doing his best to keep up with the pack and get LCD Views in on the action.
“Mister Williamson. Mister Williamson”
(Transcript filled with chainsmoker coughing.)
“Mister Williamson. Slow down! It’s LCD Views. We’re not like the rest of these hacks.”
(More coughing. Someone asking what they did to deserve this.)
“Mister Williamson. How soon do you expect to receive a knighthood?”
That grabbed his attention.
“About as soon as next Friday,” He shouted back. “When I tell our terrified Prime Minister that I either take her job now or she gives me a gong.”
“Do you think you’ll be able to manage arguably one of the most important government departments when you’ve not done shit before but threaten Tory MPs with the records of their inappropriate behaviour?” Titan managed to ask between gasps for air.
“Well, I couldn’t stay as chief whip with the shit that’s going to hit the fan over Brexit. Now that the sexual harassment dossier is leaking to the media drip by drip, what the hell am I going to threaten people with to keep them in line?”
“Good point. Thank you for the interview.”
“No problem. No piss off or I’ll order the RAF to use your rundown 1930’s semi in Penge for drone target practise. And that goes for the rest of you. Rabble.”
Reports coming in after the exercise session suggested that Mr Williamson was wasting no time getting down to business.
He has chosen the exact spot on his desk to place the doomsday clock and is said to be enquiring how close you can nudge the hands on the clock before the big bombs go off?
As to the feelings of Cronus on being left behind?
The tarantula is said to be sanguine, fully expecting to be offered the job of minister for the cabinet office any day soon.