The Shard renamed ‘the shaft’ to honour the current Westminster parliament

Great news today for people who like to tell it as it is with the announcement that London’s newest and tallest landmark, The Shard, is to be renamed ‘the shaft’ to honour the current Westminster parliament.

“We think a lowercase s is important to not draw attention to how deep the actually shafting is,” Michael Gove told LCD Views, “although personally I feel the building maybe a little on the short side for what we’re up to.”

The renaming ceremony is planned for the minute the United Kingdom regains the sovereignty it never lost in order to lose all the things it currently has.

“I am personally lobbying for Her Majesty to base jump off the top of the shaft at the moment of Brexit,” Michael said, “it would be the best way to atone for that hat she wore to open parliament last year.”

Tickets for the event will go on sale shortly.

“You’ll have to set up a series of shell companies and funnel the ticket money through various overseas territories and tax havens,” he added, “it’ll all be perfectly legal.”

Tickets will be gold plated and include an exciting interactive feature.

“Right now we have a crack IT team developing the software to include a hologram of Robert Kilroy Silk on each golden ticket. At the moment of Brexit you need to trigger your hologram by saying ‘shaft me’ to it.”

At that point the hologram of the famous, pioneer of television will spin up out of the ticket and pose a question,

“To share or to shaft?” Michael giggled, “if you’re backing Brexit there’s really only one answer.”

IDS cuts the blue ribbon as Broadcasting House renamed Propaganda Central

Everyman Iain Duncan Smith MP was rubbing his blue palms together gleefully today as he took a break from refuting specialist comments on subjects he knows sod all about to cut the blue ribbon at BBC central.

“It didn’t take me long to get here,” Irritable Duncan Syndrome commented,

“when they opened the door on the walk in fridge they keep me in at the Radio 4 Today studio I thought it was because Humphrys needed cheering up. But then they gave me this pair of long shears and asked if I’d love to stab truth and accountability in the face again?”

Of course he would.

“I must say I think it’s a great step forward for honest, straight talking governance in the United Kingdom, now that the BBC’s Broadcasting House is to be rechristened with a name that tells it like it is, just like me.”

The ceremony is scheduled for midday and all the stalwarts of British investigative journalism will be on hand. Dacre, Murdoch, Rothermere, Marr, Neil, Sarah Sands.

“I’m a bit surprised they didn’t ask young Isabel Oakeshott to cut the ribbon. She tirelessly campaigns for balance. It’s a vital part of the Ministry for Propaganda’s work that whenever an expert says something boring, a generalist like myself or Isabel is invited onto the Beeb to waffle a load of distracting nonsense in refute. It’s called balance.”

Coverage of the ceremony is expected to consume the BBC’s entire news agenda for several days.

“You won’t have us going after that Cambridge Anal stuff, or the spending irregularities in the Brexit campaigns, or the fact that leaving the single market throws 80% of the British economy into question, never mind the CU. At least we have Starmer spearheading the campaign now to make British passports in Britain.

I must say, on a personal note, I think it is very endearing how the Labour leadership say something to keep Leave voters chipper one day, and then something to appease the overwhelming mandate to remain in their membership.

With this sort of cynical spin they’ll do a fine job convincing people that eating out of bins is actually healthy, once they take over from our shower of a government.”

LCD Views would like to take this opportunity to congratulate the BBC on its evolution out of something that used to upset all political parties, by way of actual journalism, and into a creature that now just upsets people who like facts.

“With any luck the BBC will find some sort of irregularity with how I cut the ribbon today and they can spend the next month obsessing over their own mistake instead of covering what a cock up we’ve made of everything.”

All the best Iain. May the force be with you.

Ten Downing Street issues white sticks to every MP

The endless ability of Number Ten to help its own has reached new heights. White sticks have been issued, free of charge, to every serving MP, regardless of their political affiliation.

To save time and energy, a job lot of white sticks was procured, from a geezer in a yellow Reliant Robin who bore a striking resemblance to David Jason.

Assessors from ATOS were called in to aid the sight tests. Candidates were asked to sit in a darkened room and read phrases as they flashed up before them. Phrases like “The Irish Border”, “Cliff Edge” and “£350m for the NHS” proved beyond all but the hardiest. However, the fact that none of them noticed the elephant in the room was the clincher.

The sessions came to an end after the first thirty MPs lacked the necessary vision. The remaining MPs were assumed to be suffering too.

Then someone realised that each fifteen-minute assessment was costing the taxpayer in excess of £75,000. Most of this money went, quite justifiably, straight into ATOS’s back pocket. But leading Tories were apoplectic that almost 10% of the money was being wasted on elephant feed and insurance against pachyderm-related mishaps.They explained that they refused even to acknowledge the possible existence of the elephant.

The conundrum remains, however. Nobody can see the elephant, yet it is still most definitely there. Who will feed it, care for it, and clean up after it? Well-meaning but one-eyed wildlife freaks, who can certainly see the elephant, if nothing else, are pressing for the elephant to be released into the wild. There it will be able to lead a free and happy life trampling ivory hunters.

Brexit is most definitely a case of the blind leading the blind. The white sticks will assist MPs to negotiate the dark days ahead. But neither blinkers nor rose-tinted spectacles can save their sight.

Home Office releases list of banned french things

The Home Office was in chaste mood today as it released a list of activities that are now banned on patriotic grounds to help make a success of Brexit.

“Number one, french kissing is over,” Amber Rudd, Home Office Secretary, told LCD Views’ Dating Advice columnist, “french breadsticks are going too, as  one often leads to the other.  Sourdough will do well enough for honest British snoggers hereafter.”

But the addition of french letters to the list of proscribed activities and items caused criticism that the Home Office had not thought things through.

“Of course we have,” Ms Rudd replied primly, “we going to need a baby boom to replace all those foreign workers that are going home and taking their newly illegal activities with them.

French letters are almost certainly a French plot to undermine the great British birth rate. It’s much simpler just to ban them instead of having inspectors going around the country piercing each one individually with a pin. Even though that adds an element of surprise to unexpecting parents.”

But how does the Home Office expect to police the banning of french kissing?

“Easy. We’re going to surveil you. After Brexit you will have to apply for an “intimacy permit”. If you are successful you will be supervised during the times supervised for close contact. Some have called this a needless job creation scheme, but I refute that. We’ve already made enough civil service jobs just trying to find something sensible for David Davis to say.”

LCD Views welcomes all measures taken to encourage a greater sense of national identity for proper Brits, but we think banning french kissing is perhaps a step too far. It would have been more sensible to just retitle it as British kissing and be done with it.

“You know someone once suggested to me if we just asked the EU27 to rename the ECJ as the BCJ we could have saved ourselves a hell of a lot of expense and effort. But it’s too late now. The people had a vote.”

A new slogan is expected to accompany the campaign to raise public awareness of the ban on french kissing and letters.

“No tongues please, we’re British,” Ms Rudd nodded soberly, “that ought to do it. And if it doesn’t we’re going to have G4S detain you.”

Long grass warns it’s about to die for lack of sunlight due to political fly tipping

An environmental study conducted by Cambodge University has warned that extensive political fly tipping by the UK’s governing DUP party, and their junior coalition partners the Conservatives, is now killing the long grass of British politics.

“We were shocked,” lead researcher, Professor G Election, told LCD Views, “we expected some browning in patches, as you always get that from lack of sunlight with localised build ups of dumped political problems, but what we found was extensive bleaching and die off on a scale that is unprecedented.”

But what is the cause?

“Predominately it’s the Irish Border problem. The coalition government at Westminster is simply unable to find a solution that both appeases Prime Minister Arlene Foster’s adherence to ideological dogma, regardless of the risk to the GFA, and adheres to international law. So they keep throwing the problem back into the long grass, but each time they do it’s bigger and more urgent and smothers more of the grass.”

What else did you find in there?

“Pretty much the entire Conservative cabinet is in the long grass in one form or another. This is to do with the bald faced lying that is now common practise for ministers of state. But how to fire them and keep Theresa May in office? Well, that’s a pickle for another day.”

I suppose there were other issues too?

“Yes. How not to destroy 80% of the British economy by leaving the single market. Remember the Chinese told us, in the EU the UK is a door to Europe. Out of the EU, the UK is just a door.”

What do you advise we do about it? Healthy long grass is a vital part of a functioning political life, necessary sometimes to buy time to solve complex problems.

“Well, at the moment it’s just being utilised to ignore complex problems while the government phones anyone they can think of who may know how to work magic.”

What’s your solution?

“Stop Brexit. Put all of Brexit into the long grass. The sunlight will kill it fast and it will break down rapidly. Basically it’ll become compost once it’s decomposed and the long grass will soon regrow to be used by the next generation.”

Is it that easy?

“Yes. We just say, given all the lies and the likely malign interference in the actual campaign, and the clear risk to the United Kingdom by pursuing Brexit, which is the greatest mis-managed privatisation programme of our time, we are simply stopping it. Which we can do. We’ve been told by our friends in the EU this time and again.”

I’m sure Jeremy Corbyn will bring this up at the next PMQ’s.

“Sorry. If you’re going to make jokes I’m going to have to terminate this interview.”

Biggest brain in Britain burning the midnight oil to dream up something dumb to say tomorrow

A report just to hand says the biggest brain in Britain will be burning the midnight oil tonight to dream up something dumb to say tomorrow.

The brain, more commonly known as Bojo the Clown, or Boris Johnson MP for Wtf, is said to be uncertain comparing Putin to Hitler will carry enough headlines tomorrow.

”He’s got to get Ken Livingstone on the blower,” distraction specialist Aded Feline told LCD Views, “if you’re going with WW2 references Ken is the master.”

It’s not clear if Mr Johnson will double down on today’s diplomatic coup tomorrow though.

”It’s a line call. Now that Russia’s greatest democrat has successfully gained re-election by beating himself he probably has little interest in keeping the song and dance improv show going with Downing Street.”

Nigel Farage and Rees-mogg did help out today by symbolising the waste and idiocy of Brexit, but it’s up to Boris to fulfil his primary function in office and capture the headline tomorrow.

”He’ll be hard at it. He’ll be reading the classics right now, absorbing none of the lessons, and preparing to deliver a winning quotation that will have the MSM swarming after him.”

It’s thought the pressure is at one of its highest levels for sometime as this shambles of a government and tits on a bull Labour leadership together take the U.K. to clusterf*ck levels not seen for years.

”This Cambridge Analytica story has everyone jumpy. Senior members from the Conservatives are all throw the shadowy, anti-democratic data mining, psyops companies. We can not have the focus on that.”

At least Boris can thank his Brexiteering colleague, leader of whatever it is that passes for an official opposition today for not asking about Cambridge Analytica at PMQ’s today.

“Bloody SNP did though. Traitors. They’re subverting the will of the people by suggesting the will of the people may have been subverted. Vince won’t stop bringing it up either. Some democrat he is.”

Good luck Boris, you’re going to need it, any day now that strong breeze is going to blow the house of cards you charge around in down.

Nothing hypocritical about starving kids in England and not in Northern Ireland, says DUP

Arlene Foster, leader of the United Kingdom via the bung Theresa May paid the DUP, has reiterated her firm stance on there being no deviation between Northern Ireland and the United Kingdom in status or law.

“Except for laws concerning abortion, marriage and now I have added whether or not poor children can have a hot school meal to my short list,” Ms Foster told a gathering of journalists at her weekly media session at 10 Downing Street.

“I don’t have a lot of time today, I’ve got to go and have my regular meeting with the Queen,” she added, urging reporters to get their questions in swiftly.

LCD Views had our rookie at the meeting and he asked some pointed questions of the acting prime minister.

“Ms Foster, do you think it will be possible to resume the power sharing agreement, or mandatory coalition in Northern Ireland soon? As it doesn’t seem too mandatory at the moment?” Green Searchlight asked.

Green Searchlight was immediately ejected from the room.

We gathered the rest of our quotations because Sky News reporter Beth Rigby allowed us to photocopy her shorthand notes later. We like Beth.

Asked what other exceptions Ms Foster was planning to add to her list as the DUP tail continued to wag the Downing Street dog, Ms Foster was adamant, as always.

“Dinosaurs. Egg shaped earth. Healing anyone with the wrong Jesus. Acknowledgement of the Oireachtas as governing any inch of the island of Ireland. Pubs that open on Sunday…”

It took the rest of the meeting to compete the list and no more questions were taken.

LCD Views commends the laudable display of economy shown by both Ms May and Arlene Foster. It seems if you put your mind to it you can make one billion pounds stretch a very long way, especially if the person holding the chequebook is terrified of you.

And we state categorically that there is nothing hypocritical or disgusting about two political leaders who profess to having a strong Christian faith doing a bargain that robs potentially a million poor children of a hot meal. It’s actually very traditional for Christian politicians to be screaming hypocrites and we commend this statement to the house.

Boris Johnson to ride bareback and shirtless around Hyde Park to show Putin what he’s dealing with

Boris Johnson has announced his intention to ride bareback and shirtless around Hyde Park, to show master poisoner Vladimir Putin what he’s dealing with if he continues to mess about with Global Britain.

Speaking as he saddled his steed for the event, a bare chested Mr Johnson sounded upbeat.

“This is cherry picking at its fandiggly finest,” the statement led to calls for Mr Johnson to put his shirt back on, but he was unrepentant, “once I jiggle and wiggle and bomdoddle doddle about the lush, green and pleasant lawn of England’s capital city that dastardly Russian chap will beg us to send our footie boys to his golden palladium in the snow.”

It’s not clear if the ride was agreed with the prime minister beforehand. There are rumours that the foreign secretary has gone rogue again.

“Ms May is seething about it,” a rumourmonger told us, “she was planning to do exactly the same thing dressed Boudicca. Boris has buggered it all up. This really does confirm the rumours that he listens to her planning meetings outside of the office at 10 Downing Street with a glass pressed to the door.”

The outing by Mr Johnson will be broadcast live on the BBC with appropriately patriotic music.

“I’ve heard they’re getting some pipers in and they’ll be in the nude. Completely starkers. We know Vlad’s bearskin style and we’re going to show that fellow who’s buffer when it comes to international rows about minor issues to do with knocking off spies.”

We understand there will be popcorn available from stands along the route Boris is to ride and that he will do it without a saddle, just his big, hearty thighs gripping the sides of a thirty four year old horse, chosen for its age, to make it less likely Boris will get thrown off. Although the horse may not survive.

“I’ve heard that Theresa is so chip spitting furious she’s going to go Boudicca and challenge him to a chase. She’s going to quiz him in public about how he got a Russian first name and an American surname!

Get your selfie sticks out and get to Hyde Park and get in the picture. They’re doing this for Global Britain. Ride Boris! Ride!”

Arlene Foster to have seamless border wall stitched up in time for Brexit

Negotiations have begun between Arlene Foster of the DUP and a company in the EU to build a seamless wall on the Northern Ireland border.

“We don’t want to say to much about this initiative,” said Foster, “as I am still trying to solve the wood pellet problem I caused last year.”

The estimate for the wood pellet overspend is rumoured to be approximately £500m. Foster is confident that she and the DUP can recoup these funds with the new wall.

“We want it to be as high as Trump’s Mexican wall. We don’t want those Irish speaking Mexicans coming up from Dublin to pollute our Presbyterian Protestant heritage,” she said.

Could you tell LCD Views how you plan to build a seamless wall so cheaply?

“We will call upon every family household who voted Brexit to help us, and if we run out, we can now make a call to Denmark for further help. We know that there are many many boxes of Lego going unused. Bricks of Lego stored in cupboards, in lofts and attics all across the country.”

“The DUP head office were contacted by a Mr O’Halloran of Portrush to say he had just stepped on another brick of ‘effing’ Lego for the ‘umpteenth effing’ time, and whilst hopping in pain, phoned us to offer all of his son’s Lego to the seamless wall project.”

But how will this wall be seamless, LCD Views asked.

“Can you spot the join once two Lego bricks are joined together?” asked Arlene. “We’ll make an enormous saving on cement and mortar and we can use the different brick colours to create a camouflage design to keep those hippy environmentalists happy.”

Children are grief stricken at the thought that the Lego version of The Millennium Falcon that took the whole of the Christmas week to build, are to be broken apart in order to build a wall on the island of Ireland.

“I don’t care if children cry,” Arlene reassured, “wait until they run into my wall. Then they damn well have something to cry about!”

British man identified with so much nerve he’s immune to nerve agent attack

The frenzied work to ensure British subjects at least were immune to the nerve agent used on the weekend to attack the Russian double agent bore fruit today with the identification of a British man who has so much nerve he’s immune.

“The individual is a bullish, middle aged, blonde man who luckily is already in the employ of the state and can thus more readily be tested in the hope of developing a potion to defend all,” an Mi5 researcher told LCD Views on the promise on anonymity.

But Agent Smiles how did you identify the individual so quickly?

“We simply did a trawl through the publicly available media reports of bombastic improvisation artists who charge about the political china shop smashing anything worthwhile to pieces,” the anonymous spy revealed, “it didn’t take long to identify the individual. Minutes actually.”

But Agent Jeremiah Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close how can you convert the nerve of this man into a defensive measure?

“We’re going to take a sample of his blood and homoeopathically dilute it into a sprayable solution that will be exploded above the United Kingdom and dispersed by natural weather patterns over the entire landscape.”

Thank you Agent Jeremiah A. Smiles of 54 Woosingham Close, Dorseter, your dark hair and curiously pointy ears are very reassuring.

“My pleasure, now if you don’t mind I’ve got to help prepare a series of media releases that should keep Brexit at item two or three of the news cycle for a week.”

But critics of the strategy have raised concerns that spraying a solution of this individual across the country risks turning the United Kingdom into one complete idiot.

We asked a defence spokesman from Downing Street to rebut that concern.

“What’s to worry about? We’re already at that stage. Have you looked at over riding domestic and foreign policy lately?”