Theresa May to drive passed 1000’s of food banks on the road to Brexit

Motoring enthusiast Theresa May is expecting to drive passed thousands of food banks on the road to Brexit.

LCD Views’ best intentions correspondent went along to brunch at Ms May’s central London crash pad to hear what she expects to learn from the experience.

He sent back this report of the scene.

INT  10 Downing Street   Morning

A grey hared woman wearing a neck chain you could flog a hyena to death with sits at a dining table.

She fiddles with her napkin.

Turns one cloth corner in a tight knot.

Her eyes could be swapped with the glass eyes in an old porcelain doll and it’s likely not many would notice.

It’s a long table. It would be difficult for people sat at either ends to hear each other without shouting.

But there’s only one other person with her. A hack with a smoker’s cough who looks like he hasn’t shaved since new year and is almost certainly drunk.

Reporter

“So Ms May, what are you hoping to see on the road to Brexit?”

Theresa May

“Food banks mostly, I suspect. It’s funny how high roads get dotted with one type of business. Although I won’t be stopping. I work hard enough to put sufficient food on my table.”

A servant enters carrying a silver platter. Her arms tremble. There is so much food on that tray.

The servant trips and almost spills the food. She mutters something in a foreign language.

Theresa May’s head snaps about like a rottweiler smelling a bleeding kitten.

Reporter

“Now that’s what I call a full english breakfast!”

Theresa May

“I will only pick at it. You may take one strip of bacon and a hash brown.”

Theresa May blushes.

Reporter

“What’s the matter?”

Theresa May

“Hash brown is a naughty word. It’s a foreign form of food.”

Reporter

“Oh. The butter is British, isn’t it?”

Theresa May

“I churn it myself. Just by looking at the cream.”

There is silence as the trembling servant places the heavy tray on the table. She withdraws, turns and almost runs for the door.

Reporter

“What are the statistics on the growth of food banks since you took office, and what impact do you expect driving on the road to Brexit to have on the living standards of both the working poor and the unemployed?”

Theresa May

(Those glass eyes are so hot suddenly you could use them to weld)

“Get out.”

Reporter

(stands, stuffing sausages into his pockets)

“You know it’s the road to nowhere you’re driving on? Or maybe the road to hell? Taking a magical misery tour?”

Theresa May twists the corner of that napkin again. Tighter. Tighter.

Theresa May

“After we leave the European Union and I am free to bring in legalisation to snoop on your computer at will I will make it my hobby to hang about in your search history. I’ll find out how British your values are. I’ll find out!”

End scene.

 

 

The UK’s future to be decided by rats fighting in a sack

There is reassuring news for the minority of people worried the United Kingdom’s executive has no idea where it’s going with the announcement that the future of the country will be decided over the next few weeks by rats fighting in a sack.

LCD Views has long campaigned for a clear and easily communicable set of policies and we celebrate knowing that at last our call is answered.

We sent our Downing Street insider along to a meeting of the Conservative Party cabinet to learn more.

“We’ve been waiting for someone to throw us out of 10 Downing Street to be honest (for the first time ever),” Ms May, acting prime minister, explained to our man.

“I mean, you won’t find a bigger house of cards than my government. I should know, I put it together after all.”

But it seems the lack of a concerted effort to dispose the May government has forced her to actually make some settled policy decision on Europe and other areas.

“Domestic policy is easy enough. We just decide what is the kindest possible thing to do and we pick the opposite. But Europe, boy, that’s a bigger pickle than most realise. We’ve had to come up with a novel way to fill in that policy hole.”

And it seems they have.

“Right now each and every member of your cabinet is training a rat to fight. Once the training is finished we will put them all in a sack in the middle of the cabinet table and let them fight to determine who’s king rat.

It’s going to be vicious.”

It seems whichever rat emerges ‘king rat’ will get to decide the Brexit policy of May’s government.

“I must admit I’m a little nervous about my own chances,” Ms May said, “I was asked to pick one of two rats to train and I still haven’t decided. But I’m sure it will be alright on the night if I just believe it will be.”

Once the sponsor of ‘king rat’ has set out their policy on the future of the United Kingdom it will be easily communicated to the voting public much like any other readily communicable virus.

May the best rat win.

British Army ordered to synchronise privates on parade with Trump’s non-phallic military calvacade

British Army chiefs are said to be uncertain how to respond to an order direct from 10 Downing Street that they are to synchronise privates on parade with Trump’s totally non-phallic military calvacade later in the year.

LCD Views normally requests Defence Secretary Gavin “tarantula” Willyson write for us directly on any defence related matters, so why change a good habit now?

Over to you keeper of the dark arts.

“People are asking me how I feel about that trembling bird brain in my office of destiny at Downing Street going behind my back and ordering my British Army to organise a parade,” Mr Willyson writes, “am I mad?”

And are you mad?

“I’m furious!

When I promoted myself to run the military of the United Kingdom I did so because it seemed the natural progression for chief whip of the Conservatives.

What’s better than a book full of other people’s secrets when it’s time to apply a mental chinese burn, than having the whole saucy military in the palm of your hand when some pinko, commie, leftie, commie, pinkos get up to no good, once the post Brexit food rationing starts?

I’ve the whole lot of you right where I want you. It makes me aroused.

Not in a sexual way. In the purely academic sense of having all those guns and missiles and submarines under my command. Throbbing in the palms of my hands.

Cheers me up the thought on down days.

Days like the day following the day after you have a big spray about the Russians in the press.

But you forgot about all that illicit stuff in the early 00’s. And the devious rooskies already have a fat file on everything naughty you’ve ever done.

Which is shock, even if you’re defence minister of a nuclear power.

Who thought that being defence minister of a nuclear power would be harder than screaming behind closed doors at gutless Tory MP’s who are terrified someone will find out what they did on their gap year?

Oh, this is probably all too much for the average voter to understand. This is why you’re the ruled and not the ruler. Metric or imperial! ha!

Now, no military parade in the United Kingdom is going to be phallic, as we will have downsized the whole show to a couple of cardboard cutouts by the summer, and neither will Donald’s, not with hands his size.

We can line up a flat screen television in Leicester Square, show the US on parade on it and have our privates out and parading at the same time. No way on earth will that flop. What ho!”

 

Brexit recipes, updated edition, includes new recipes for unscrambling eggs

Global Britain 2.0 publishers have chosen LCD Views (out of a competitive field of one) to make the patriotic and nourishing announcement that the updated edition of their bestselling cookbook, ‘Brexit recipes : How to eat mud in a time of plenty’ will be updated to include a dairy section.

“It’s truly exciting for anyone who takes all the eggs they have out of the fridge, while high as a kite on populism, and drops them on the floor,” GB Chief Editor, Mar Larky, told us.

We interviewed Mar in a pop up cafe by the Thames.

“It’s a great idea Mar to have a pop up cafe on the foreshore while the tide is out.”

“Isn’t it just. You don’t happen to know what time the tide comes in do you?” Mar was so excited, he almost spilt his triple espresso macchiato.

“No. But I’m sure if we just believe it’s not going to rise we’ll be fine. Tell us about the updated edition?”

“Sure thing Searchlight. Inside this updated edition is all anyone who still cooks will need to easily reverse egg related accidents.”

That’s really good timing when you consider the state of the country.

“Say you actually make an omelette and break all your eggs. Or scramble some eggs by mistake.

We all do that from time to time, when it was actually our brains we meant to scramble before watching BBC Question Time?”

I know the feeling.

“That’s not a problem anymore.”

It seems the recipes Mar has compiled for putting eggy mishaps right will involve simply building a time machine and stepping inside.

“Our new generation tardis designs mean you can build one from materials found about the home.

No one should be left staring at an empty egg container, unless of course your children need them to make a spaceship.

Although we do cover that in “After the Drumpf : Life beyond Earth”, just in case you’re interested.

Most recyclable products can be used to build a vehicle that can be launched into orbit using only the power of your imagination and some hot air. We call them Johnson Balloons.”

We did ask if there would be any legal complications arising out of using the ‘tardis’ as a name?

“Why would there be? It’s our BBC. We pay for it.

We can use John Humphrys as a utensil drawer if we want. Andrew Marr as a food processor. Andrew Neil to oversee an illegal cock fighting ring. Nick Robinson as a souffle mould. The choice is ours.”

Demand is expected to be intense for the updated edition, but only because by the time it hits the shelves all the other books will have been eaten already or used to warm homes. So I’d pre-order yours today. It’s only £200M a week. A real steal!

Brexit stocks slide after UK plc keeps issuing profit warnings

Sounds of alarm are mixing in with the screeching of high windows opening on the upper firms of futures brokerage firms today with the news that Brexit stocks have begun to slide after the company issued a series of profit warnings.

“It’s a bit of a pickle,” Brexit broker David Davis told LCD Views, “I mean, these profit warnings were top secret, we weren’t even supposed to show them to the shareholders.

I’m a little surprised they exist to be honest, I’ve been running around tell the world they didn’t, because I was so drunk at the time I was supposed to have written them, I couldn’t remember if I did or not.

I ordered every one of the fifty two people I gave a copy not to show anyone.

I’m buggered if I know how they leaked out? It’s not like we want to get people used to the idea little by little that they’re in for one god almighty shock. Definitely not the frog in the slowly boiling pot theory applied to running a country.”

It is to be hoped that stocks in whistleblowers are holding their ground, because Davis claims he will be hunting for whoever did it, once he finishes the latest round at the Commons bar.

“Don’t be silly!” He laughed back, in our face,

“Of course I won’t be looking for who leaked them.

I’m attempting to get to the end of the Brexit process without looking in the mirror.

It’s making shaving a bugger of a job though. Can you tear me off a few tabs of toilet paper? I think I’m cutting my own throat.”

LCD Views would like to reassure anyone holding Brexit stocks who maybe feeling anxious that there is nothing to worry about, these profit warnings are perfectly normal in modern Britain.

We advise you to hedge against any losses you may worry about incurring with Brexit by putting everything else you own into bitcoin and USD dollars together.

There is absolutely no concern at all that if Donald Trump is able to stack governance of the Fed across the pond with sociopathic idiots serving his simplistic understandings of global trade and diplomatic relations, and the interplay with financial markets, that this will in anyway cause a crash in the value of the dollar, once he is able to start artificially devaluing it, causing a pickle for the United Kingdom, as we pull out of the European Union to embark on a bold and triumphant global tour in a boat.

While stocks may go up and they may go down, Brexit stocks can only rise like Daedalus and Icarus. But maybe start stockpiling a little tinned food, just in case.

Brexit Dad not concerned about brain drain because his plumbing is working just fine

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has expressed his views on the so-called Brexit brain drain.  His brain is staying exactly where it is, he says.

“Brexit means Brexit!” he declared. “This means we are staying exactly where we are, and everybody else can clear off. My plumbing is just fine, so get over it.”

LCD sent Lone Centrist correspondent Caleb V Nice to speak to Narage. He suggested that intelligent Brits would leave the country while they still can. “Brain Drain means Brain Drain,” he remarked, cheekily.

“The only thing going down the drain is, well, what is supposed to go down there. Here, let me demonstrate…” At this point Mr Narage left the room. Ten minutes and a hearty flush later, he reappeared. “There! Everything is going just swimmingly!” he said. “Oops, wrong metaphor.” He left briefly to flush again.

Mr Nice gently reminded him that the phrase Brain Drain was not meant to be taken literally.

“Cream rises, and dregs fall,” stated Narage. “The brightest and best will stay. Who wouldn’t? And the rubbish will be flushed out into the Brussels cesspool. That’s science, that is!”

No, no, could we move on from actual sewage systems, pleaded Mr Nice.

“Oh, I see!” Narage responded. “Nudge nudge, wink wink! I know what you mean! See my wife, Krystyna? Now you know why she is always smiling! And my lovely children, Figella and Figel junior? The old Narage plumbing is in tip-top condition, like a well-oiled machine.”

Tempted to leave Mr Narage to continue lubricating himself, Mr Nice tried one final tack. People are seriously worried that our brainiest people are going to emigrate, because the economy is likely to shrink rapidly post-Brexit. Neither will we be able to afford their wages, nor will their jobs be safe.

“Nonsense, my dear chap!” he replied. “It’s just scaremongering. It happens every time this country changes for the better. Stop being such a gloomy Graham and get behind your country!”

Cream rises. But so do scum and big sh*ts.

Freemasons denounced as terrorists since the square and compasses are weapons of maths instruction

The recent revelation that there are at least two Freemasons’ lodges operating within the Westminster bubble has placed doubts upon their motives. More than one cynical journalist has accused them of actually teaching mathematics.

This is dangerously subversive. It is well known that most journalists are barely numerate. Also, MPs are well known for exaggerating their expenses claims. “Stick a couple of zeroes on the end to be on the safe side” is the rule of thumb here.

Suspected Freemasons have been observed sneaking about, furtively, with sheaves of graph paper. They are believed to be plotting something.

If successful, the mathematical knowledge unleashed will cause an uproar in Parliament. Myths, lies, and slogans will all be exploded as soon as enough Members are able to correctly read and interpret statistics. The writing will be on the wall, and it will read “Lies, damned lies, and Brexit”.

The prime suspects will play the percentages. Realising that you cannot square the circle without bringing pi into play, pie-eyed politicos will be obliged to ban pastry dishes with tasty fillings.

In addition, another factor is money. Many don’t see the point of decimal currency. Some wags have called for a return to LSD, but others accuse them of having flashbacks to the drug-addled 1960s. The Church of Brexit worships the great god Sterling, although only the favoured few will be allowed access to it. Clearly, love of money is the square root of all evil.

LCD’s Numeracy Matters correspondent spoke to a Westminster Freemason, who gave his name as “Ray Dius” to protect his anonymity. “It’s dreadful!” he murmured. “I haven’t done any sums for over 40 years. It’s like being back at school!”

He went on to whinge about being taught trigonometry, algebra and statistics. “I’m even starting to make maths jokes!” he wailed. “I mean… no, it’s divide and ruler… and I used to love the chicken pie-thagoras! Arggghhhh!!”

The terrorists intend to make Brexit blow up in their faces. And they will be able to calculate the trajectory of every particle.

Calculator owners warned they are at risk of attack by Brexiters

The Home Office has disowned an assessment leaked to LCD Views that warns calculator owners are at increased risk of attack by Brexiters as Global Britain moves forward united behind  Brexit.

The assessment, written in Times New Roman, font size 18, is believed to have been prepared to assist DExEU.

”The Home Office really only has one thing to do now and that’s intimidate Johnny foreigners. They’ve a bit of spare capacity so Rudd ruddy Rudd thoughtfully she’d throw a bone David Davis’ way,” our home office spy says.

”It probably wasn’t leaked officially because the action of so called ‘ultra Brexiters’ in the party of government this week shows that calculator owners are now a target for attack anyway.”

The targeting of people who do sums with a modern invention and then write the results down and disseminate them follows a trend visible since 2016.

”The owning of a number counting machine links all the individuals, groups and institutions targeted by Brexit headcases.

The civil service joins a list already comprising of politicians opposed to national economic suicide, voters opposed too, any campaign group opposed too, judges, Gina Miller and anyone not born on this Emerald Isle.

”It’s classic tyrant strategy. Undermine the institutions and champions of democracy and then when public support is shattered stage a coup of all under the guise of the protector and corrector.

But targeting the civil service is a move that shows how little regard Brexit proponents have for history.

Even a brief study of the documentary series “Yes Minister” will teach you the civil service will f*ck you up.”

Arise Sir Humphrey, you’re time to strike is nigh.

1922 committee to be renamed 1822 committee as soon as I am PM, says Jacob Rees-mogg

“The all powerful Conservative Party 1922 committee is to be renamed the 1822 committee as soon as I am PM,” JRM tells his party and thus LCD Views and the world.

”As I remake the party in my image of affected and infective antiquity, we will all do well to remember a year when there was not universal suffrage, even for low born men, let alone the tender vessels God supplied for men to procreate with.”

Other changes expected to be made by JRM PM will be the return of capital, corporal, temporal and spiritual punishments to be administered by way of beatings with the bible.

”As many beatings as required to reunite the lost lamb with the flock.”

The civil service will still be allowed to exist, but will better understand that its role is one of support for the governing party.

”There will no longer be a need to leak unfavourable reports and assessments to the press, because I will be dictating all documents and the press will be abolished.”

We asked our political scientist what he thought the future was now holding with the revolution occurring under Mr Rees-mogg?

”The future is holding something smelly and sticky it’s desperately trying to shake off its hands, I say.

But if I were you I would welcome the rise of Jacob to the top of the rabid pack of pure breeds that is currently the sum of the Conservative Party.

i year most of the moderate female Conservative MP’s are running for the hills and all those people who say, why don’t the British act? The French would be rioting by now and bring down the government.

JRM PM will give those people a granted wish.”

Jacob’s new hit single creates social media storm

Jacob Rees-Mogg was involved in a fracas with a crowd at the West of England Theatre, Bristol, yesterday.

“I now realise what the Beatles had to go through and why they needed personal security,” gasped Jacob.

This all came about due to his new hit single “Food, Clothing and Footwear”.

The Brexiteer’s new single has been climbing steadily through the BBC hit single charts.

“It’s a catchy little number,” hinted Jacob, “and I do like the way I persuaded Lord Adonis to come in on the chorus with ‘Brexit, poorer and homeless’. It adds a little piquance to my ditty”.

“I never realised the crowd would be physically pushing me to get hold of the CD.

“I am truly shocked!

“For the larger venues I will be keeping my large lapel suits and my top hat, (with the addition of some glitter). If it’s good enough for Noddy Holder of Slade it’s good enough for me”, said Jacob.

We asked Bob Geldof for his view but he just mumbled ‘no comment’.