Category: Governing the people

Jacob Rees-Mogg was involved in a fracas with a crowd at the West of England Theatre, Bristol, yesterday.

“I now realise what the Beatles had to go through and why they needed personal security,” gasped Jacob.

This all came about due to his new hit single “Food, Clothing and Footwear”.

The Brexiteer’s new single has been climbing steadily through the BBC hit single charts.

“It’s a catchy little number,” hinted Jacob, “and I do like the way I persuaded Lord Adonis to come in on the chorus with ‘Brexit, poorer and homeless’. It adds a little piquance to my ditty”.

“I never realised the crowd would be physically pushing me to get hold of the CD.

“I am truly shocked!

“For the larger venues I will be keeping my large lapel suits and my top hat, (with the addition of some glitter). If it’s good enough for Noddy Holder of Slade it’s good enough for me”, said Jacob.

We asked Bob Geldof for his view but he just mumbled ‘no comment’.

In a move that surprised everybody, the government has decided to raise the voting age to pension age. This ensures that voters will be sufficiently mature to cope with the enormous responsibility that comes with the franchise.

So, in future, your right to vote will come with your nice new shiny blue pension book. Work and Pensions spokesgonk Dickie Ticker explained the new regulations.

“Originally, we thought that 18 is far too young to vote, as they know everything at that age,” he said. “After that, most people are too busy working all the hours God sends on zero-hours contracts just to make ends meet.

There is no way that they have the time to analyse the important issues of the country and make an informed choice. Therefore the only people with sufficient time on their hands to vote properly are pensioners.”

Ticker went on to point out other advantages. No longer will there be crowds outside polling stations, since most pensioners will require a postal vote. Canvassing will take place at coffee mornings in the church hall. And, most importantly, most of them will vote the right way.

“Graduates of the University of Life will be rewarded appropriately,” he added. “Their broad experience means that they will be awarded six votes each.”

The Opposition, stunned by this bombshell, issued a counterblast.

“This is a blatant betrayal of democracy!” thundered shadow Pensions minister George Ropping.

“Did you know that Scotland will not be allowed to vote at all? Or that only Cardiff-based Welsh can vote? It’s political incorrectness gone mad.”

Ropping revealed that his party advocated reducing the voting age to 16.

“If you can marry and join the army, surely you are old enough to help decide the future of the country,” he stated, although he dismissed a proposal by the ultra-liberal P. C. Brigade to lower voting age to 6 as “faintly silly”.

Six year olds are clearly too easily bribed with biscuits. The same could never be said of the over 68s.

Theresa May has gotten tough on those seeking to emigrate away from Brexit Britain in the transition period saying, “We will stop Brits permanently fleeing the country during the transition period.”

We spoke to our Democratic People’s Republic of Britain correspondent, who heard the landmark speech in China.

“I was eating my favourite dim sum at a little restaurant in a side street when I accidentally looked at Twitter.” M. Flatley said, “I almost choked on my sticky pork buns.”

The speech was a play, Flatley suggests, to keep the racists in May’s party happy.

”With declining membership of the Conservative Party, as old and nostalgic racists die, this will boost recruitment, May thinks.”

But how will the EU27 respond?

”They will welcome the move with open arms.

Imagine a flow of well educated people committed to your values seeking sanctuary away from a country increasingly pitching itself to the world as an isolationist, xenophobic and frankly clueless in order to strike new trade deals from a substantially weaker position than previously? Let them come.”

It’s not clear how the audience of Chinese politicians and officials received the speech, but we are prepared to take a wild stab in the dark.

”May is a ridiculous and weak leader who has no control of party or country, which is not respected,” Flatley stabs in the dark.

”Furthermore, she has exceptionally weird timing. Over here saying send your students and send your cash and by the way, we don’t like Europeans, imagine what we really think of you in May’s universe of idiocy?”

It’s probably about time this prime minister and her party of ageing dust mites of hate were swept from office.

Sad King Starmer has warned the governing DUP party that when the EU Withdrawal Bill returns to the Commons they will be tabling an additional amendment which gives only Labour the job of playing the music as the country sinks without trace, breaks into its separate nations, before falling back into a dark age squabble over who can get killed by Vikings more often.

“This is the official opposition opposing,” an aide to Sad King Keir told LCD Views, “the Tories want to play Theresa May’s work mobile phone ringtone, Ride of the Valkyries,

as the waves build on the horizon,

rise high and higher,

before crashing into the White Cliffs and crushing them,

dragging them back out as the giant sea monster Brexitus Brexitius inhales its momentous and human hating breath, before exhaling doom across England again.

Who remembers the lessons of the world wars of the 20th Century in the UK today?

Only continental Europe, Scotland and Northern Ireland does! On balance, if you take the ref result.

Who wants to back the vision of Nigel ‘needs a sineater’ Farage?

The man who stood in front of a billboard mirroring Nazi propaganda on the day Jo Cox was butchered by a far right terrorist? Our parliament does!

Because that is Brexit!

How can our MP’s (not all, notable exceptions) not keep in mind?

How can they as a body not be guided by Jo like a light on the hill in the distance that offers sanctuary from the rising tide of the night?

Labour don’t think the Tories getting to choose the music is fair.

The Cons got to start the party,.

Granted they own the majority of the real estate, the whole tower block, but Labour are playing warden in that crumbling beehive of looming inequity, still…the Tories, yes,

with David “pissweakspinelessrunsfromanyseriousfightlikeapropertoffbully” Cameron being too weak to face down UKIP!

I mean, don’t get me started, UKIP?

Funded (allegedly) by dark money, a people’s army of idiots, racists and ageing daydreamers and neocon capitalists, and David…oh whatever.

Let’s not forget George “Wonder Economist” Osborne either.

North filled austerity king in his shiny jackets and hard hats,

(keep going from your castle keep at the Evening Standard George! I do like that! It’s even warming me up to you some son! Pay your bill, even if your motives are personal.

Get your payback on Theresa “humiliated me like older, bile encrusted Tories did, before when I wanted to be party leader back in the 00’s!

“And they crushed me with a hard hand on the rump so ferociously I couldn’t sit down for days, but it made me, tempered me into the killer renegade I now am, re-tempered by the robot PM dishing out humiliation again in 2016″,

Both should be given a bloody medal, that bursts into flames and singes their hands, so they’ll have trouble counting all the bloody money they’re still making,

even though, even though, they’ve pushed the country to the point of ruin.

Before Dave left to wander about all seventy five rooms of his mansion, occasionally ducking out to his man cave, shepherd’s hut shed, to cry alone about how his plans to be bigger than Churchill fell to ruin,

a shed which cost more than the average annual income in Brexitland, and he had the gall to go in a big splash across the papers, look at me!

The new Dave!

Does anyone know a good stylist? Sam says I’m a bit drab.

I’m pimping myself out for a job sucking cash out of the…well….lobbying Chinese billionaires to buy big flaming pieces of Blighty!

And then here’s the Maybot, unable to update any of her files, just crashing again and again into the door to her office at Downing Street, can’t find the way out, reboot, reboot, reboot, like a malfunctioning, badly made, floor robot that is only good for sucking up dead spiders from the corners,

blue screen, spinning wheel, useless as tits on all the bulls, not just one, give her the whole herd.

So yeah, let’s not be completely unbalanced, let’s let Labour ‘we want Brexit/Lexit so every class, bar the top 1% we want to guillotine, is eating out of bins,

so we get real social change of the revolutionary kind,

so we’re going to whip our MP’s who know this is a horrible idea, to vote with May,

till the skin and flesh flies off their backs in big, wet chunks and sticks to the sweaty, facial cheeks of the grim faced hole of a man holding the cat o’ nine tails’,

who is he?

He’s historical amnesia, that’s who he is, he’s the beast that almost destroyed the world.

Is that really how people are starting to view us now? That bad?”

Yes Labour! A lot. Sigh. Right or wrong.

You’ve still time to change course and carry the country with you.

But you’re on the clock too. Damn your eyes!

“No, you yellow Tory you, we just want to play the theme music at the end.”

The motion is expected to receive cross party support.

The once-mighty overlords, having reached an “understanding” with the Danes, have been usurped by the Norman Conquerors. Frenchmen have been in power since 1066 and have taken the best jobs in Britain. The deposed Anglo Saxons are not happy.

“They took our jobs and our homes,” Jacob the Supplanter told LCD Views, from his hovel in Somerset. “We just want to be able to get on with ruling the Britons in peace. We want our country back.”

Oh yes, the Britons. Long time natives of this sceptred isle, they have been forced to the margins by the incoming Anglo Saxons, the Danes, and many other Europeans. The Danelaw lay between the Saxon kingdoms of Northumbria and Mercia, so the Britons retreated into the mountainous hinterlands beyond Hadrian’s Wall and Offa’s Dyke. They were shown little Mercia.

“We intend to fight for the right to make our own Danelaws,” continued Jacob. He cited the recent victory of the Battle of Stamford Bridge, but hoped to hold the rematch at the rather larger Wembley Stadium. “We always win on penalties,” he concluded optimistically.

The Anglo Saxons are themselves immigrants. Jacob himself is typical, being an ardent Welsh muggle with a Hebrew name. The Anglo-Saxons have been displaced from their home lands by rampaging Slavs, Bulgars and Alans. It must be galling to be overrun first by Alans then by Normans. The Anglo Saxons must dread an influx of Brians or Geralds.

This fatal inability to hold back the tide was demonstrated by the Danish King Cnut, during a seaside holiday one particularly wet August. Cnut and his courtiers, using only toy buckets and spades, attempted to build a wall of sand to hold back the sea. They failed, Cnut shamefacedly claiming that it was an attempt to demonstrate the weakness and vanity of man. What a Cnut.

The Anglo Saxons are bereft of land, money and ideas. They have resorted to creating monosyllabic profanities, while the Normans fart in their general direction.

Irritable Duncan Syndrome, which is a form of cheese that is permanently off, had to be rolled out of the fridge he’s stored in this morning to rubbish the leaked economic forecasts, on behalf of the government which leaked the economic forecasts.

”What use are any forecasts regarding Brexit if they don’t point to Brexit being a roaring success?” IDS grouched, almost as if living in hell spiritually is tiring.

”I mean, self appointed experts, take me for example and the undeserving and deserving poor, self appointed experts are what we need.

Brexit will be a success if everyone gets behind it.

Excuse me while I vomit up the last remaining shred of my conscience.”

But why leak your own economic forecasts, only to disagree with them?”

”It’s like a vaccine. Which are rubbish, by the way, have you ever seen anyone catch measles after having the measles vaccine? Fat lot of good they are.

Excuse me. I got a bit of what’s left of my soul caught in the crack in one of my molars this morning. I’ll be back. Just got to dig it out.

You don’t have a pencil do you? A sharp one?

I might poke out one eye so I can be king of the blind, while I’m at it.”

That done IDS carried on.

”It’s just sensible government. You dripfeed out the bad news, bit by bit, keeps everyone distracted as you run down the clock.

Then when the proverbial really hits the fan no one is surprised and you can carry on  with the job of government.”

IDS was rolled back to his fridge by his Today programme keepers. So he didn’t totally liquify before his next round of attempting to browbeat the people into submission with dissembled bollocks.

”The people have spoken!” IDS bellowed, as the fridge door closed, “now will someone please tell Humphrys I need him to see to my corns? They’re driving me nutty.”

Prime Minister Theresa May is secure in her position, claim political experts. Although we will not publish the full analysis here, we will instead offer a précis. Nobody in their right mind would touch the job with a bargepole.

This begs the question, who in their right minds would get into the cabinet, or even go into politics in the first place?

It is clear, though, that only the most deluded egomaniac with no real idea about how diplomacy works would even consider the job at present.

The 1922 Committee has already put feelers out to Donald Trump.

Trump made encouraging noises. “I could run the UK! In between holes of golf! I could be King Donald! I love Englandshire! Great!”

Unfortunately for him, the lack of an invitation to the forthcoming Royal Wedding has ruled him out.

Besides, Boris Johnson is unlikely to tolerate another incoherent blond clown on his patch.

One of the co-authors of the analysis, Lewsin McRedibility, spoke to LCD Views. The report, entitled “Passing On The Poisoned Chalice: Passing The Prime Ministerial Buck” is due to be published shortly.

“We analysed the post of Prime Minister, and decided which personal qualities it needed,” explained McRedibility.

“Guts, conviction, charisma, eloquence, and the ability to lie convincingly under pressure. Cameron was a spineless wimp, Blair an empty façade. The less said about Gordon Brown the better!”

“May is one of those least unacceptable figures, like John Major. PM by default,” he continued.

“But with Brexit there is another strand to the job. Brexit can only weaken the UK’s global standing, yet the PM must be seen to be proving what a bloody good idea it is.

None of the current bunch is up to the task of convincing the public, which is odd, since most of them are lawyers. It has become the job nobody wants, like England football manager.”

So, what about the current crop of likely lads? Boris is a liability; Hammond refuses to even try to embrace Brexit; Hunt, Gove, Rees-Mogg and Fox are too universally loathed; David Davis needs assistance putting his trousers on the right way.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Enter St Nigel of Farage. Let’s hope Boris will lend him a wig and a red nose.

“I only want to take away freedom of movement from the poor”, explains Christian  Scandaler, a rich Brexit backer, who recently bought himself a Maltese passport, in order to keep his freedom of movement after Brexit, “I’m shocked, horrified, to realise in order to do it I have to own a second passport that’s not patriot blue.”

We spoke to Christian Scandaler just after he had opened the package containing his new Maltese passport.

It was supposed to be a happy moment. A moment of relief. It was anything but.

”How am I supposed to show my face at the shadowy think tank gatherings now?” he asked.

“Maybe it’s a mistake? Maybe the Maltese authorities intended to send me a blue passport? I hope this is not a horrible prank?”

We didn’t know what to say.

We’d figured Christian was aware his new Maltese passport would be burgundy, but he was prepared to suffer that ignominy as part and parcel of doing his bit for Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Edition, The Reboot.

Christian is not alone.

He  is one of the growing list of extremely wealthy businessmen backing Brexit, and doing their utmost to end freedom of movement for ordinary wage earners, who have sensibly purchased an EU passport from a remaining EU27 country happy to sell one.

”It’s a good thing the little countries of the EU are a bit cash strapped and the big beasts haven’t yet gotten around to working with them to end the racket. Otherwise, what would wealthy British patriots do?

Christ, we could find ourselves applying for visas like the poor people will have to.

I’m trying to do my bit for Britain. To crush democratic reforms of recent decades. To properly take back control of the working conditions of the plebs. But not this way. Not like this. Not burgundy.”

Cyprus and Austria will sell you one too, by the way. In case you’re in the market and cashed up.

“I guess I can buy a blue passport cover?” Christian is getting desperate now.

“Then if I am quick enough, when I whip the burgundy passport out in the prepay, express line at immigration control, maybe no one will notice?

€800K+ is a lot to pay, well, not for me, but still, it’s a lot to pay to keep frictionless travel across borders as we make a success of Brexit.

I guess I’ll get used to keeping a burgundy passport, in time, as I watch all the silly plebs who voted for Brexit stand in long lines.”

We hope so too Christian, for your sake, and for the sake of all rich Brexit backing hypocrites, we really hope so too. We couldn’t have you feeling blue.

LCD Views’ crime and punishment correspondent has heard that secretary of state for ballsing up in Europe, David Davis, has been arrested and charged with assault after taking a good, hard look at himself in the mirror.

“He was warned by his therapist not to look in the mirror sober,” our source at the Met alleges,

“Apparently, he was woken up this morning early, by the fox terrier next door banging its toy against the party wall, and he decided he needed to micturate.

He went to the bathroom and accidentally saw his reflection in the bathroom cabinet’s door mirror.”

It’s believed Mr Davis stared at himself for several minutes.

“It’s the first time he’s taken stock of himself since about 1982. And the longer he looked the more furious he became.”

All those youthful ideals first compromised, before being abandoned?

“Oh, I don’t know if he got that deep in. To be honest, he probably only dipped in his toe. But it was enough.”

It’s believed Mr Davis refused to back down, even after he saw Mr Davis’s eyes clouded with first irritation, and then proper rage.

“A neighbour called the police when they heard what sounded like a wild struggle occurring. Reportedly, there was so much screaming and swearing, they thought a drunken rugger team had fallen out with themselves after a night on the tiles.”

While this report is not confirmed, it’s believed Mr Davis is currently hoping to get bail in time to appear before the House of Lords EU Committee at 2:35 this afternoon.

“To be honest, if he can’t get bail, it will be a relief of the Lords. They’ve actually got work to do, unlike David Davis, who’s more of a sideshow.”

Apparently it was all the lies that set him off.

“When he realised that he’d been lying to himself all these years, he just lost it.”

NHS bosses across England have written a stark warning to Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, stating that hospitals are already overstretched and will not be able to cope with a new pandemic of superbug Torykip cases.

“Wave after wave of hybrid Tory-UKIP infections will finish the Conservative Party off. It will be a face melting spectacular,” Dr Focken Stopp warned,

“I’ve written to Hunt to advise him to wash his hands as frequently as if he had an obsessive compulsive disorder. And by no means, use a computer until we have identified and treated those already infected.

Dirty fingernails and social media is one of the mechanisms of spread.

For the love of god, do not shake hands with Rees-mogg.

Do not let Theresa May sneeze on you.

Do not talk to Owen Paterson, although that’s good advice anytime.

Boris Johnson is infected, but not showing symptoms. He should be placed in isolation.

All Conservative MP’s, who aren’t already infected with the bug should be taking these measures.

Clearly the usual infection of “if they just worked harder they wouldn’t be homeless’ virus has made most Conservative MP’s susceptible to this additional, life altering  infection which has hybridised with xenophobia.”

Our resident health reporter spoke to Dr Focken Stopp to hear more,

“They should have treated the UKIP infection years ago. As soon as it first appeared in the body politic.

Many of us said so at the time and raised our voices louder as the infections multiplied. But the executive was worried about losing the baby boomer vote, because a lot of younger communities weren’t voting much. That’s changed now.

Adding austerity to the mix and leaving the lies of right wing, offshore, tax haven loving, lie peddling, tabloid selling sociopaths in communities, without disinfectant, that made half of the country open to infection of Torykip.”

While the Conservative Party has been fingered as patient zero, years ago now, people eagerly anticipating its demise, now the hybridised illness is returning, are cautioned that it’s not the only community in which the infection is present. Redkip is also evident at the moment in other communities.

This is just as hard to treat, due to the underlying anachronistic nature of the underpinning virus underlying the underlying pathogen. Although it’s major symptom is a genuine concern for others, it will lead to the same ultimate end in the 21st century conditions we find ourselves in.

If you see someone suffering from Redkip, treat them with capital v labour serum, “Statute of Labourers” 1351, Freedom of Movement/Democratic rights for working people. It probably won’t work, but it’s worth a shot. Historical parallels.

“David Cameron woke up with an ulcer on his thigh one morning,” Dr Focken Stopp added,

“and cut his whole damn leg off, at home, in his kitchen, with dirty chicken scissors.

This was a mistake for Dave, not a disaster. Because Dave is filthy rich. Screw Dave. His gutlessness, when the crisis was treatable, is key in all this. So too those that went before him. Letting the infection spread and applying medicine to uninflected communities? Insanity.

Watchout for friends who start writing online only in capslock. That’s the first symptom of Torykip infection.”