Category: Governing the people

Exciting news today for the world of print, politics and fact as famed reporter and prominent public servant Boris Johnson has announced he will be hunting down the truth again to make sure it’s dead.

“Some ah, fibblefabbles, have claimed I can’t combine the glorious British tradition of hunting the truth with my duties as foreign secretary of the Kingdom of England. This is sheer ninnybaggle.”

Boris goes on to cite his work with Iran.

“That, um, ah, that lady tourist arrested for writing on postcards, she’s still in prison over there because the government, allegedly, won’t stump up the pots of silver and gold demanded to stop her wasting away in prison. I can continue to vaguely lobby the Shah whilst reading the signs written by truth stool in the sands.”

Asked what weapon he will arm himself with on safari, Boris seemed very enthusiastic.

“I’ve um, adapted, redesigned, reconfigured various facts to kill truth on contact. They’re so twisted and covered in waffle gobble I don’t think even a bull truth fact could survive.”

Boris added that he had managed to combine the job of tour bus operator and part time MP for Somewhere back in 2016.

“Anyone who tells you a man can’t multitask is talking sniffle snoffle. I can go on the road three hundred days a year raffle wrangling the public to a point of near ecstasy with my exhortations to reach the glorious heights of Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Reboot edition, while picking a fight with the Mayor of London because if Trump goes down all the populist, lunatic, narcissistic, self interested spam bogglers like myself go down too by osmosis!”

Boris finished by saying he’d be applying for the job of editor at Breitbart while away in safari, because he’ll have time in the evenings around the campfire.

“And I wouldn’t want to get rusty as a hack. I’ll most likely return to journalism full part time once I resign in disgrace later this year.”

Good luck Bojo. Bag a whopper for us.

A woman already famous for aching to bring back fox hunting and fracking has confirmed her deep desire to protect the environment.

“I’m not sure which environment,” the woman said earlier, “probably the one over there, the one without any frackable gas under the fly tipping.”

She went on to counter accusations that the rebranding of her party from one who’d shoot the last polar bear if there was a pound of profit to be had, to a party more green than the Greens, is not a cynical, shallow reaction to the sudden awareness no one under seventy is ever going to vote for them again.

“Pretending to love the environment with long term, largely detail free assertions, is the best way to win back young people,” a friend of the woman said, “Just because I’m known for stabbing my friends in the back, doesn’t mean you can’t trust me on this.”

Young people are likely to be fooled by this pitch, forget the crushing of their dreams related to EU membership, home ownership, health care and affordable education and begin voting for the party these two represent again.

“This idea must have come from the special committee set up to work out how to get young people to vote Tory,” a young person told LCD Views, “presumably they decided that as a tiny minority of us went to Eton we must all be incredibly thick.”

Are you young, didn’t go to school with silver spoon kids and are convinced?

At least they may have to follow through with the Ivory trade ban now. Which is great.

Now, just settle back and wait for them to frack the f*ck out of your backyard.

Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Rhymes Hunt, was found in a celebratory mood this morning as he pulled the curtain closed on a hospital bed, in a ceremony celebrating keeping his job.

“I’m ecstatic!” He told the gathered NHS staff at a hospital in Brokenbed, Staffordshire, “I love nothing more than reducing the number of beds. It decreases costs for the NHS and increases costs in the vending machines in A&E departments.”

It’s believed the bed closing ceremony will be replicated across the country all week.

“It was actually really funny,” Jeremy told the staff, “that daft woman called me in to sack me and I told her ‘sit down Theresa, I’m not going anywhere, in fact, you’re giving me a fancier job title to boot’.”

It’s believed Mr Hunt had previously told Tory whips he would be happy with a demotion to the business portfolio.

“I told them sure, no problem, I want to spend more time with my family anyway.”

But it seems it was just a set up so he could boss the prime minister about and make her look ridiculous and weak.

“Gove, Boris and myself still hope the magic choosing hat will choose any one of us to be prime minister this year. But we have to keep undermining May until Boris can work out how to u turn on Brexit.”

The incumbent at business, a Mr Clarke, was said to be relieved at Hunt’s strategic cleverness, as he’s already operating at the top of his game in the less prominent ministry, and was terrified of public exposure.

Even though the bed closing ceremonies will go on all week, Hunt says the pressures of office preclude him from closing every bed personally.

“Sadly, I don’t have the time, but not to worry, I’ve outsourced the rest of the closures to a subsidiary of Virgin Health. I had to, otherwise they’d sue!”

The Westminster bubble is in ecstasy today with the news that Theresa May, Prime Minister of somewhere, is to create a reshuffle minister so she can get it right next time.

“It’s momentous,” Brandon Lewis, recently promoted to stare angrily at social media told LCD, “she completely ballsed it up last time, but a new Ministry for Reshuffles will ensure she nails it next month.”

The new ministry, to be set up by Friday, will be a hotly contested ticket.

LCD asked Mr Lewis who was in the running for the top job?

“Michael Gove is foaming at the mouth for it,” Brandon replied, “to most people’s shock he’s only pretending to like animals and can’t wait to get out of the environment backwater.

But there’s a spare Johnson sibling floating around too, Crassius or Toberlone or something, no one has really heard of him. He might get it as part of May’s new blood strategy.”

But critics of the government have attacked the plan.

“Labour can’t support this additional expense at a time of national austerity. A billion pounds has been earmarked for this. That could be spent on planning for a jobs first Brexit.
I’m not even sure why we need a minister for truffles? It’s not like France is going to refuse to sell us magic mushrooms after March 2019.”

Other critics have pointed out that as this is already a government of clowns, you’d expect May to be able to juggle and shuffle already.

“I am personally for it,” LCD’s political watcher commented, “if this new minister can show Theresa how to actually sack someone, then the future of the U.K. is strong and stable.”

Legislation to establish the new ministry is expected to be tabled no later than Thursday, to meet the Friday deadline set by the prime minister.

In spite of their fierce criticism of the prime minister’s handling of the most recent reshuffle, Labour MPs can expect to be whipped in favour of the bill anyway.

“Reshuffle means reshuffle,” the Prime Minister will tell the house when she personally presents the bill, “and truffle means truffle.”

Reports from social media analysts, Social Media R Us, suggest that a country that used to be regarded as an intellectual powerhouse is continuing to puzzle over who it elected prime minister last year? Even though seven months have now passed.

“No one has a bloody clue,” SM R Us told LCD Views, “officially the prime minister is, in theory, the leader of the party asked to form a government, following the result of a national ballot, but that seems not to be the case this time.”

SM R Us goes on to elaborate that judging by comments on all social media platforms, there is consensus that the woman who appears to believe she is currently prime minister just isn’t, in the public’s perception.

“Rupert Murdoch is pretty high up there. Paul Dacre too. A lot of people coalesce around those two media moguls being the actual power behind the throne.”

Not Elizabeth II’s toilet you understand, they mean the desk chair in 10 Downing Street.

“A substantial minority suggest some mythical animal called a lame duck. Others lump for Donald Trump, but he’s not even prime minister of America, so that’s a stretch.”

In face of the skepticism the woman who believes she is the British prime minister is expected to keep claiming it, until someone can prove to her that she’s dreaming.

So who does SM R Us think is PM?

“It’s either Boris Johnson or Arlene Foster, depending on how you look at things. Or maybe even Jeremy Hunt, given how he bossed the PM yesterday.

It’s hard to say, we’ll probably need another election soon to find out.”

Theresa May, the ambitious member for Maidenhead, has gained her reward for her unwavering determination and loyalty. A stronger or more stable figure could hardly be imagined. Her promotion will strengthen one of the strongest cabinets of modern times.

The Prime Minister of Brexitland, Rupert Murdoch, has needed to recruit new blood since the unfortunate departure of several stalwart figures. Michael Fallon felt the knee – sorry, felt the need – to leave his role after sharing Trump jokes with Julia Fart-Brewer. Priti Patel had to go after she was discovered talking to foreigners, which is to be outlawed under Brexit regulations. And poor Damian Green took matters into his own hands.

Some of the many aces in Murdoch’s pack have remained unshuffled. Boris Johnson remains Minister of Balderdash, and Jeremy C. Hunt is to continue as Health Secretary. Sources suggest that Hunt was in line for a major promotion, but he begged to be allowed to continue his excellent work with the NHS. Hunt has graciously accepted extra responsibilities after proving to be such a safe pair of hands.

There are a few new entries, populist pickers. For example, Brandon Lewis becomes Minister for Interchangeable Names. James Cleverly’s name speaks for itself. Indeed, he tweeted “I’m not just Cleverly, I’m a stable geniusly!”

And so to May. She has shown enormous flexibility in reconciling her pro-European instincts to the hard Brexit demanded by the Great British Public. She was considered for a position in the Department for Transport, but as she herself noted, “I don’t even know how to make a U-turn in government!”

Her wit, vigour and melodious voice will be valuable assets as she joins the Department for Exiting the European Union. David Davis tweeted “Delighted to have such a skilled negotiator on the team! Welcome Theresa!”, although reportedly he struggled to spell ‘negotiator’ and ‘Theresa’ without assistance.

There are now 13 Conservative vice chairmen. That’s a lot of vice to oversee.

The Prime Minister is expected to reassure an increasingly cash strapped country today with the creation of the minister for the magic money tree as part of her major, groundbreaking, earth shattering cabinet reshuffle.

This will be a reshuffle so impressive, for protecting and promoting serial incompetents in the most senior government positions, that it will underscore the degree of authority exercised by Ms May over her cabinet.

“This is not rearranging the deckchairs on the cabinet of the Titanic.” S. Atan MP, Purgatory-on-Woe, minister for comfortable pillows, told LCD,

“This is planting the magic money tree firmly in the deck of the great ship of state where it will provide shade for our wealthiest donors. While simultaneously, and this is important, forcing its roots right down through the lower decks and out the hull, probably drowning everyone else down there. But not to worry.”

Who will be given the plum new job is not yet clear, but Arlene Foster is said to be in the running.

“She has the experience. She knows how to hand a prime minister a set of secateurs and a pruning saw and get them cutting. But perhaps someone with a fleeting association with Carillion may also be right for the eye catching position.”

Critics of the new post have already attacked the decision.

Taking to social media, on Twitter, our own financial whiz, Professor Money Boffin, had this to say,

“She is already creating a Minister for No Deal Brexit. Apart from robbing satirists of a headline, again!, the two roles are really one and the same thing, given it’s estimated a no deal Brexit would cost the UK £400 BILLION.”

But at least, with the creation of two new ministers, the priorities of the government are clear, blow all our cash and not have to pay for it.

And you can be sure, whoever is promoted today, has spent all weekend deleting old tweets!

Oh, and she’s been searching hard to find a right wanker to promote to the position of deputy prime minister, as that’s the major qualification.

Now let’s all get behind the government and make a success of Brexit, just like the official opposition (who is the leader again?) is currently doing.

The newly created Office for Students is off to a flier today with an order that all universities now have to teach students a unit on ‘Brexit Eugenics’.

“It’s a wonderful opportunity to defend the current generation from the dangers of socialism,” Professor Youngster commented,

“the moment my dad made them offer me the job of this red tape growing, mind altering position, I knew I was going to make a difference.”

The unit will be taught immediately, to ensure students really get value for money.

“It’s an exciting class. You’ll learn about silver spoons and where to place them before you’re born. Also, how to burn twenties in front of people that are too lazy to have a home.”

Correct use of Twitter will also be taught.

“You know, making sure you comment on anyone’s breasts whenever you see them. The knack of spotting a good, ripe pair of norks and objectifying, judging a woman on them, is the only way to push back the rotten tide of political correctness they endangers Brexit.”

Further lessons will be given on how to blow up wheelchair access.

“Exactly how much Semtex does it take to destroy an access ramp at a university? It’s very important to know this. Stephen Hawking is a fluke. We can only prevent a repetition if we stop these troglodytes getting further education.”

Professor Youngster is expected to launch the first tutorial on Brexit Eugenics later this week by taking a pick axe to a disabled parking sign.

“The key lesson of Brexit Eugenics is about encouraging survival of the richest.

Once everyone accepts that they are inferior if they weren’t born into an inherited title and wealth, we’ll be prepared properly for a future in which the country votes yes in the death penalty referendum we will hold after March 2019.

The government starts 2018 on the front foot today with the announcement that famous humanitarian, educator and self made man, Toby Young, is to take a break from spouting bollocks on Newsnight just long enough to cut the ribbon at the opening of the UK’s first Trump University campus.

This will be his first official action as a member of the newly created Office for Students, set up by the red tape hating Tories to enforce mind control over universities.

“It’s a first for Trump University too,” said Jo Johnson, the minister responsible for this obvious mess,

“Trump University has previously only had a physical presence in law courts across the pond. Toby’s involvement will give the fee paying public confidence.”

Mr Young is one of the more eye catching appointees to the Office for Students.

“Toby narrowly beat his soul brother Satan to the last slot,” added Jo, “after the four horsemen of the apocalypse took the other seats.”

We phoned Toby on his skull phone to see what he had to say,

“I am not a dalek,” Toby commented,

“The Office for Students will oversee the transformation of universities into mere channels for taxpayers money into tax havens, under the pretence of ‘value for money’, that old wag.

It will all be done in the manner of the successful privatisation of everything else neoliberal greed driven sociopaths that I worship get their hands on.

That’s the whole point of it. But we’ll employ a lot of catchphrases to pretend otherwise.”

So that’s encouraging.

“We’ll be doubling down on the success of the branding tie up with Trump universities too,” Mr Young added, “by using his brand appeal to encourage other great private enterprise successes to get involved in British higher education.

We want to see market forces really getting students value for money, but not an education.

A shit load of debt though.

Then back to your estate. It’s hilarious. How do we keep getting away with it?”

Southern Rail has been the first to express interest following today’s announcement.

“If Jo and Tobes are kind enough to let us run all universities in the southeast we promise, hand on heart, we’ll make all students run on time to tutorials and lectures.

Except for the frequently cancelled and delayed ones, of course.

And when it goes wrong we’ll happily accept public money to bail us out because that’s how the free market the Conservatives love works. All profit. No real risk. Thanks taxpayers!”

This is fantastic.

The university students of the future will be prepared for future employment by hearing each day of their higher education,

“Southern Rail are sorry to announce, the 9:30 lecture on modern European history and Neoliberal economics has been cancelled due to an excess of skyrocketing fees causing all potential students to stay at home…”

The government has backtracked on not really giving a shit about the fate of homeless, undeserving poor children who don’t work hard enough this Christmas by sending them all a postcard of Hinkley Point C to “warm the little cockles of their hearts”.

“It’s outstanding,” a Home Office spokesbot sent a telegram to LCD to share in the warmth, “just imagine the joy on their frozen little faces when they receive an official postcard from her majesty’s government and realise we’ve invested enough money to solve their homeless issue in an untried nuclear reactor built with borrowed Chinese cash to try and stay in China’s good books when it comes time for every country on Earth to stuff us about on our tariff charter at the WTO. And, this reactor will most likely be mothballed by renewables before it’s completed.”

And given that every project of this nature blows out in time and money, the homeless kiddies of Christmases to come can also look forward to,

“More postcards of Hinkley Point C. Maybe even new customs posts with faulty, rushed IT set ups too.”

There is certainly scope to expand the scheme, nicknamed Homelessness means Homelessness,  into many areas of governance.

“The CPS has been hobbled by ideological austerity too,” the spokesbot added, “although you may have missed that as Brexit takes up all the news. There is not really one area of life which the government hasn’t stuffed to a serious degree. We could give the kids whole books of collectable stickers.”

If the poor children save the postcards and stickers carefully they may be able to sell them for profit in years to come.

“It could be the start of a nest egg that provides a deposit for one of the affordable homes which will be built inside the reactor core to meet requirements for cheap housing.”

Children are reminded that the postcards are not edible and maybe radioactive.

This is not to dissuade them from eating them.

“We don’t mind if they glow in the dark.” The government staffer said, “it makes it easier for the bleeding heart snowflakes to find them and do our job of caring for them for us.”