Category: Governing the people

MONEY IS FUNNY : People across the United Kingdom are smiling into their home brand cornflakes from the local food bank this morning with the news the government is to crackdown on voter fraud.

”It’s not just the food bank users, elderly people who have to sell their homes to pay for end of life care are also deeply reassured,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So too people wondering how to export to the EU. I hear a bus was even torched in Northern Ireland when a celebration got out of hand.”

The jubilation is reported to be across all sectors of society with fishermen planning to “sail up the Thames and throw in some dead mackerel outside Westminster Palace.”

Trillions are also said to have left the London Stock Exchange for New York and a few EU destinations. People are that ecstatic.

”Finally I can vote knowing that the person behind me hasn’t queued up to pretend to be someone else who may or may not already be recorded as having cast their one ballot. That’s before they scoot off to the other side of town, where they’re not registered, to try it on again,” one happy punter told us. They wished to remain anonymous in case someone tried to impersonate them in the next GE.

“They need have no fear now,” the Downing Street source says. “Dido Harding is on the case.”

The colossus of viral Track and Trace is back and this time it’s serious.

“She’ll be given a £37bn budget to track and trace every fraudulent ballot. How she spends it is anyone’s guess. We’re not keeping tabs. This is too urgent a mission. But if I was a t-shirt seller in Istanbul, a faceless company registered at a hotel in Hong Kong, a jewellery designer in Florida or had once poured Matt Hancock a pint I’d be trembling in anticipation of being paid tens of millions to play my part.”

Rest assured people of Britannia, Dido is once again unchained.

What to do about it when the voters elect a fraud though? On that the government is silent. Presumably you can just vote them out at the next general election. That’s if Boris Johnson ever decides to call one.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR : The Prime Minister is to announce later today a building boom for the good people of Hartlepool to thank them for electing a ToryKip MP.

The building that will be booming is the first Debtors Prison to be constructed in England since the mid-Victorian period.

“The good people of Hartlepool have voted for change and change they will get,” the PM will promise. “You have chosen to reward my industrial scale lying, the preventable deaths of tens of thousands of your fellow citizens, the destablilsation of peace in Northern Ireland, the almost certain breakup of the United Kingdom, the hardship inflicted on your people over 11 years now and the promise of a war with France by electing a resident of the Cayman Islands to serve their interests at Westminster. It’s hard to express how deep my gratitude is. The decision to break your ground and erect a monstrosity is just the beginning.”

It’s believed a Tory donor and “close friend of the Prime Minister” will win the contract to build the prison and most of the materials used will be imported “for a laugh”.

“The prison will bring together people from across the length and breadth of the United Kingdom and is part of our reinvigorated agenda of levelling up and building back better [debtors prisons].”

It’s not yet known which MP will be chosen to cut the ribbon upon completion, although the member for the Victorian era, Jacob Rees-mogg, is said to be almost tumescent at the prospect.

“The prison will not just be there to punish recalcitrant tenants of slum Tory landlords, but to improve and better their characters by long working hours, a diet of gruel and the prospect of hand stitching Union Jack flags until an early grave.”

For its part the Labour leadership have yet to comment on the plans, being too busy wondering why continuing the policy of validating the fascist Tory political project of Brexit, started under Jeremy Corbyn, is yet to yield electoral success. Completely baffling. There is an argument to be won and they’re still determined not to have it.

A delegation of former fishermen have been asked to form a choir to sing “Land of Hope and Glory” on the day the Debtors Prison opens. Which is nice.

STRONG AND STABLE INFECTION RATE : Downing Street have bowed to pressure today to hold a public inquiry into the catastrophic extent of the pandemic in the United Kingdom.

Reassuringly, everyone registered to vote can take part as the powers that be take the view the country has still had enough of experts. The inquiry will take the tried and tested form used to solve complex problems in our Great and world beating country. It will be a referendum, just like the EUref one.

“It’s going to be a referendum yes. A once in a generation decision that will settle things for decades to come in an amicable way,” a Downing Street source confirms to LCD Views. “This way it can be held in a day and the country can move forward.”

Curiously though, a leak from Whitehall suggests the ballot paper only offers two choices and both of them are the prime minister.

“Some critics have said we should have placed an order of preference on the ballot paper. Boris Johnson, Rishi Sunak, Matt Hancock etc. Oh and other members of government such as Tim Martin, Rupert Murdoch, the PM’s mistress, Dominic Cummings and the last Labour government. We do see merit in that, as governance is a collective act. But, we believe it will be simpler for everyone to move forward if it’s solely blamed on Boris Johnson. The buck stops at the top after all.”

No date has yet been set for the inquiry to be held. Reports suggest though it will be five minutes after Boris Johnson has been driven from government and the results announced by Michael Gove.

TEFLON : The great bull in the china shop of British politics, your leader Boris Johnson, is said to be planning a good romp among the aisles in the aforementioned china shop today, just like every other day.

Lesser politicians would have fallen long before now in the aftermath of any of the scandals Mr Johnson has been involved in. Indeed lesser politicians would never have risen to be prime minister. Mr Johnson thus displays a political skill that is rare indeed.

“He’s having a cracking time over this Dom text business,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “He’s overseen one of the world’s worst CV-19 responses and no one is suggesting he leaves office. A few texts back and forth with a billionaire offering to fix tax rates aren’t going to slow him down.”

And one particular source of comfort and merriment in the current feeding frenzy over the text messages is knowing that Mr Johnson’s reputation will not be damaged by it.

“This is where his genius lies. He shed any pretence to credibility long, long ago and the people went for it. So who cares? What are you going to do about it? If anything this current furore just shows how much more powerful than you he is. So deal with it.”

Presumably Mr Cummings won’t lose any credibility either, having also completely incinerated his own last summer when he chose to destroy the pandemic public health message.

“Just think yourself grateful that you get to witness the deeds of the mighty. Governance as entertainment. Entertainment as diversion as the state’s coffers are looted. It’s what the people voted for.”

But what about rumours that the release of the text messages are actually part of coordinated plan between Gove and Cummings to bring Johnson down?

“Barely credible. Gove is a patriot.”

LAST IN A CROWDED FIELD : Tory MP Johnny Mercer yesterday became the last in a very crowded field to realise Prime Minister Boris Johnson is completely full of shit.

The shock revelation occurred to Mr Mercer somewhat belatedly, given that as already stated, everyone else on Earth worked it out donkeys years ago.

The lightbulb moment caused Mr Mercer to attempt to resign on principle, not quite resign on principle, only to be sacked. Presumably for a display of doubt and disloyalty given that Boris Johnson has no principles at all. A fact confirmed by numerous investigations with an electron microscope.

What Mr Mercer will do now isn’t entirely clear although it’s likely he’ll need a good and long sit down.

“He’ll be needing to cast his mind back over recent years and ponder if there were any signs Boris Johnson is completely full of shit earlier?” our Westminster analyst asks. “Perhaps when the Prime Minister lied to the Queen? Not that anyone should resign over that minor little fib. Perhaps when he spent months touring the country in a bus painted with proven lies? Hardly anyone noticed, to be fair. Certainly not Johnny.”

Maybe the promise to avoid customs barriers for Northern Ireland by the PM could have enlightened Mr Mercer? But why would they as the PM only went and did it anyway.

“It’s really puzzling,” our analyst continues. “You have to wonder what Mr Mercer will do when he learns bears shit in woods and the Pope is Catholic. It will be mind blowing.”

For everyone else though the lingering question is perhaps more why now? He’s given a reason, and it’s a credible one, to do with veterans, but given the unceasing catalogue of complete and utter horse shit Johnson has showered the U.K. in for years now, why now?

Perhaps when Gove and Sunak come out of hiding they can enlighten all of us…

BATTING FOR BRITAIN: The country’s world beating sports fan, Boris Johnson, is striding to the middle, racquet in hand, to enter the scrum. To emphasise his man of the people credentials, he has declared a lifelong love of Manchester Wanderers. 

He goes to soccer matches all the time, he claims. When he goes, he takes his mate, Burnley Ham Villa fan, “Dodgy” Dave Cameron. 

Johnson painted an evocative picture of two old mates cheering on Roy of the Rovers netting his weekly hat-trick. It could easily have been depicted on one of his famous wine box paintings. 

“Dave and I have spent many a Saturday afternoon in the grandstand at Maine Street,” he boasted. “Always at the, erm, yes, well, erm, the Piccadilly end, with our rattles and our sky blue pink club ties!” 

And in the modern era? 

“Oh, yes, erm, no, erm, wiff waff,” he waffled confidently. “Yes, they changed their stadium, didn’t they? Old Trafford to New Trafford? Splendid stuff, I say, yes, we often go and have a few glasses of claret and some foie gras during the interval, just like millions of other ordinary fans!” 

What’s your opinion on the European Super League business? 

“Well, erm, no, yes, well, it’s just not cricket, is it?” he replied. “I mean, a few clubs with more ego than sense, a glorious past but an uncertain future, thinking they are better than everyone else and cutting themselves off from their fans, just so their owners can get richer? It’s despicable. Despicable, I say!” 

If only there were some kind of parallel in global economics. 

“And it’s European, so it must be bad by definition!” Johnson spluttered. “Association soccer ball will be ruined for ordinary fans like me!” 

And who do you think will win the FA Cup this season? 

“Erm, yes, erm, well, the thing is…” he improvised, and quickly shambled off to hide in the nearest fridge. 

POPPADUMS AND A RIGHT PROPER PICKLE: Boris Johnson has decided to cancel his jaunt to India. This comes after one of his “tech assistants” pointed out that he could conduct business via the medium of the video call. 

Johnson decided to console himself by having a takeaway chicken tikka masala, that most Indian of dishes. He will wash it down with a bottle of Indian lager brewed in Burton-on-Trent. 

This means that the English newspapers are now free to report on the scale of the latest covid variant outbreaks on the subcontinent. 

Johnson has pronounced himself “disappointed” not to be travelling in person. He had been looking forward to boffing the air hostesses and the Bollywood starlets, and dressing up in a sari. 

He had also been scheduled to dress up at the British Prime Minister and deliver a speech. This was designed to curry favour with “our former colonial subjects”, expecting them to “welcome old friends back into the fold”, and to obtain the recipe for lamb biryani. 

Instead, Johnson will have to make do with his oven ready chicken tikka masala in front of EastEnders, and hope that Carrie doesn’t have a headache again. 

The actual meeting will now be a virtual one. Johnson is banking on the success of his world beating strategy. What he is planning to say is a mystery, even to him. 

Insiders, carefully bribed by an investigator in no way connected to LCD Views, gave a coriander-laced flavour of the likely form of words Johnson will use:

“I say, my good fellows, erm, yes, well, why don’t we let bygones be bygones, water under the bridge, wiff waff, that sort of thing, we have to draw the line somewhere, like between India and Pakistan, ha ha, erm, well, yes, erm, no, well, erm, so now we are the best of chums, give us what we want or we will have to colonise you again!”

The Indian government is expected to cave in to this persuasive rhetoric, say the insiders. Indian government insiders insist that they will just mute Johnson and let him blather on without having to listen. 

Our influence on the world has certainly changed since Brexit. That’s the takeaway. 

ASK NO QUESTIONS AND YOU GET TOLD NO LIES: The filibustering fibber has been hospitalised following an unprecedented accident. Johnson was rushed to the nearest Accident & Emergency department following a spontaneous seizure.

Boris Johnson is well known in Westminster circles for never answering a straight question with a straight answer. Certainly not a question regarding policy, lobbying or corruption. According to certain pneumatic blondes known to LCD Views, even the relatively unweighted request of “Fancy a shag, Boris babes?” tends to be met with a recital of The Merchant of Venice before he even loosens his tie.

However, today at PMQs he made the rookie error of answering a question without considering the traps that lay within. “Mr Speaker, I trust that the Prime Minister would agree with me that the rollout of the Coronavirus vaccine by the NHS has been an outstanding success,” stated Keir Starmer, in a generous tone. Johnson smirked complacently like Priti Patel in possession of a set of diamond-encrusted knuckledusters. “Does he agree, therefore, that the public sector has a vital role to play in defeating the virus?”

There was a pause, as a clearly smug and self-important Johnson rose to his feet.

“Well, I say, wiff waff, well, yes of course…” he began. But before Johnson could proceed any further, his heart leaped out of his chest and attempted to strangle him.

Members on both sides of the House recoiled in horror at the conclusive proof that Johnson was in possession of a heart.

On-call paramedics, permanently stationed in the House should some medical emergency arise, literally sauntered at great lack of speed to help the stricken PM. “He’s only bluffing,” they told the heart, over and over again, until it relented sufficiently to allow Boris to breathe again. The paramedics stuffed the heart back into its cavity, and stretchered the PM to a waiting ambulance, trembling with suppressed laughter.

Now we know exactly what goes on at the heart of government.

OPERATION BI-VALVE : The UK’s current wartime leader, Boris Johnson, is oft thought to be a man out of his time. The Restoration may have suited better? The 14th century perhaps? Plenty of plague to mismanage going around then. But here he is in the 21st century controlling the world’s dominate martial superpower.

Like any solid English statesman he finds himself having to school Johnny Foreigner. Those Continentals? Hey? When will they learn?

“It’s silly not to compromise your entire legal framework, which allows dozens of countries to co-exist peacefully, just to rob hardworking British fishermen of a few quid,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Someone should tell the French! And the Italians! And the Germans! And the Dutch! And the Nederlanders! And the people who live in Holland! And the Spanish! The Portuguese. Well, the list goes on. Who do they think they are? They need an exceptional teacher.”

Mr Johnson is clearly that and he is bringing out the big guns. It has nothing to do with the trouble he’s caused in Northern Ireland or the increasing stink of corruption about his government.

“It’s about standing up for Britons! They will take our fish in whatever state we decide. And if they do not Mr Johnson will un-win World War Two. That’ll show them. WW2 lives rent free in all the Conservative MPs minds. It will be especially easy to side with the fascists and stuff the lot of them.”

One World War and One World Cup? Take that unelected bureaucrats!

“Just look at all of our flags. We’ve already got ourselves right in position to see the hard right victorious, not just at home in Blighty, but across the Channel too.”

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : No one can forget the bullet the U.K. dodged when it chose David Cameron over Ed Miliband back in 2015, and today we are really starting to reap what we’ve sown.

Strong and stable government has of course been the watchword of the Conservative and Unionist Party, ever since it resumed its rightful place running the show back in 2010.

“The strength and stability only strengthened and stabilised once we rid ourselves of our coalition partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If the British people, in their wisdom, had not had the common sense to give Dave ‘boy wonder’ Cameron a twelve seat majority back in 2015 heaven knows where we would be? We certainly would not have had that advisory referendum in 2016.”

Now of course Mr Cameron has long since ceased to be the steady hand on the tiller of the executive. He concerns himself with matters of high finance with the same expertise he showed in politics.

“Theresa May had a rather forgettable time as prime minister. Although her Brexit red lines did provide the secure ground of xenophobia and self-harm that our current PM built all too readily upon.”

Some of course would say that the current riots in Belfast are the fault of the prime minister. That making a man child who has never suffered any serious consequence for his misdeeds prime minister was a mistake of grave magnitude. But they of course are not patriots.

“Now we’re into the meat of what Brexit really means. The riots in Northern Ireland are teething problems. It will all calm down soon enough. And to reassure everyone that all will be alright, that all is worth the cost, what better than images of flags? What better than a grinning idiot and flags? But not just any flags. Union Flags. And not just any idiot. Boris Johnson level idiot.”

The BBC, with its new and much more patriotic leadership, can be trusted to get right on it!