A PLAGUE IN ALL THE HOUSES : The U.K. is set to be the first country ON EARTH where no one dies of Covid-19 anymore.
“Don’t let them mention New Zealand, you can’t trust their figures,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if they keep reporting no Covid-19 it’s a language issue. The accent. The U.K. will be the first country thanks to the latest Downing Street initiative. And we did it without all the handwringing by regional governors that’s going on in the colonies.”
The initiative is believed to have been thought up by none other than hardworking, dedicated, overworked, totally committed, never resting prime minister Dominic Cummings.
“Cummings interrupted his special advisor’s Scottish holiday to thrash out the details in a conference call with over promoted, confused school boy Matt Hancock. It’s really ironing out a problem in the way CV-19 death stats are recorded in the U.K.”
And while our report is definitely a scoop, the initiative is actually building on statistical work already completed.
“The change to denying reality if someone dies of Coronavirus more than 28 days post diagnosis has achieved a lot for us, politically. And virtually no one has challenged us. This is great. Under the old way of recording actual lives lost to our shambolic herd immunity experiment 92 people would have joined the stats yesterday. But with 28 day rule only two did. This is an example of following the science. The PR science.”
But how will the new way of recording achieve zero deaths in a month?
“From now on each day we will tighten up the criteria. Today only people diagnosed with Covid-19 and dead within 27 days will join the big number in the sky. Tomorrow 26 days, and so on. It’s the right step at the right time to get people back into the office and kids back at school. There, under our recording system, they’ll be safe, and their parents and the staff, because within days it will be impossible to die of CV-19 within the U.K.”