Government applying to join the United Federation of Planets

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO TRADE DEAL HAS GONE BEFORE: Captain of the Tradeship Free Enterprise, Liz Truss, is applying for a deal which she promises will be quite literally out of this world. She has requested to join the Federation.

This truly is a piece of blue sky thinking. The government is reaching for the stars, or will do as soon as the dilithium matrix can be recalibrated.

Who needs EU? Truss has set the controls for the heart of the sun, and she will be mooning Barnier and the others from the safety of her personal holosuite.

“We currently buy less than 5% of our food from the Federation,” squealed Truss, wearing a particularly fetching ensemble of rancid pork and mouldy cheese. “That. Is. A. Dis. Grace! I’m your Venus, I’m your fire. We are going to the moon to bring back cheese, yes lad, cheeeeese. Don’t forget the crackers! And Mars bars from Mars, and Milky Ways and Galaxy bars. The real Operation Moonshot!”

What about Uranus?

“It’s a constant production line!” boasted Truss. “And let me tell you, I’ve sampled it, and it’s some seriously good shit!”

We haven’t developed warp technology yet, so why don’t we trade closer to home instead?

“Sorry, the comms just went offline,” said Truss. “I’ll just reroute power to the deflector arrays… There. Shields at 79% and holding. Trade begins on my mark. Engage!”

This all sounds deeply improbable.

“Yes, the trade runs on improbability drive,” agreed Truss, sipping a pan-galactic gargle blaster. “That’s also why the Free Enterprise has 42 decks!”

What happens if the Federation turns us down? After all, their entrance requirements are very stringent.

“Oh, that’s just the Vulcans!” giggled Truss. “They can go about all logical and sour faced, but it’s the Ferengi we are targeting. We will drill down to Quarks, although that’s just splitting hadrons.”

Excellent news. Make it so. To infinity, and beyond!

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