The government is planning to introduce pay-per-vote in time for the next election

The success of pay-per-view for sporting events, and pay-as-you-go for mobile phones, has prompted the latest government initiative. Pay-per-vote is being made available to anybody who only engages in democracy on an occasional basis, and will be in place by the next general election.

This is also part of the austerity drive. Less than 100% of the population actually uses their vote, so there is no need to waste scarce resources on providing votes that will go to waste.

The Department of Democracy Is What We Say It Is sent spokesminion Zuffar Ghreatli to explain. “”This is a great day for democracy!”” claimed Ghreatli. “”Now people can access democracy at the point of sale. We are proud to announce that the post-Brexit UK will be the world leader in democratic processes.””

The inspiration apparently came from Margaret Thatcher introducing charges for eye tests. “”Yes, I think everyone would be happy to pay a small contribution,”” confirmed Ghreatli. “”This will ensure that people receive the best possible democracy for their money.””

Under the new system, a second opinion is available. “”In fact, you may have as many votes as you wish,”” Ghreatli explained. ““It is your right to buy as many as you require. This can only be for the good of the country.””

The opposition was not amused. ““This move removes the franchise from the poor,”” read a statement issued by the Shadow Minister for Democracy Is What We Say It Is. ““It is a blatant affront upon democracy, and we heartily reject the government’s proposals unless they threaten us again.””

The Shadow Minister himself is believed to be suffering from Tourette’’s Apoplexy, and only able to communicate in outbursts of obscenities.

“”Nonsense, our scheme opens up democracy,”” countered Ghreatli. ““If you approve of a candidate, you may now cast, four, ten or even a hundred votes to demonstrate your approval. As a bonus, subscribers are exempt from pay-per-vote, and may vote as many times as they please on production of their subscription card.””

To subscribe to democracy, simply join the Conservative Party. Subscription charges are as little as £50,000 per annum.

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