HIGH SPEED PHEW : Boris Johnson’s government is wasting no time in levelling up the political landscape into one giant soggy bottom, scandals and mysteries, secrets and lies buried in each crevice and crease.
To this end they have pledged an additional £105bn to bury the Intelligence Committee Report into Russian Interference in British Politics as deep down from the country’s newspapers’ front pages as possible.
“Miles and miles of HS2 should do it,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and phew! It’s amazing how the political class in this country allows us to get away with it. The report was cleared for release before the December 12th election, old Boris delayed it, everyone in positions of power, except old Grieve, just sucked that up. He said he’d release it in January. Where’s January? Been and gone! Ha! Got Brexit Done didn’t we. The two things are in no way connected.”
What is in the report remains under speculation. It’s possible all it details is just how riddled with Kremlin linked cash the Tory Party is. No biggie. But having everyone wonder about it is distracting. It could even be delayed, just like the inevitable service on HS2, to keep everyone distracted from the rolling train crash that is Brexit.
We’d know if they released it.
“Don’t be silly,” the source chided, “to release the report would be the actions of an accountable government. And for Mr Johnson accountability is the one thing he’s most afraid of. You wouldn’t want to hurt his career now, would you? Not now he’s grasped his most wanted political prize and has no idea what to do with it.”
Yes. We would. We’d like to live in a functioning democracy again. Where’s the report?
“You know already. It’s under the miles of unlaid HS2 track. Or perhaps in the footings of a giant bridge to Ireland.”