BRACE! BRACE! : DOWNING STREET HAS MOVED TO REASSURE BRITS THAT THEY ARE ENTERING AN ERA OF LAWLESSNESS with no effective means of law enforcement.
They are. But that does not mean they are not safe, at least in specific and limited ways.
“People do not need to panic,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “especially not wealthy, armed people. We may have shot the sheriff, and the deputy, but that’s solely in respect of representative democracy and our international reputation, by forcing Tory MPs to vote against their manifesto commitments.”
But of particular concern is the new “Rule of Six” which came into force at midnight, a comfortable six seconds after the law change was published.
“It’s clear local authorities and the police services will be spending all week reading up on what we’ve done now to Covid-19 regulations. This may make it difficult to break up the roaming gangs of CV-19 afflicted citizens who can now be found walking the length and breath of the UK searching for CV-19 tests in illegally large gatherings. But your streets will still be safe.”
The safety will be provided by vigilante gangs of wealthy landowners.
“Any peasants found to have gathered in groups larger than six, and not hunting with dogs, will be taken care of by grouse shooting parties. Grouse shooting will still be legal because grouse limit our ability to effectively control Covid-19. This is because unarmed people tend to stop and gather in appreciation of them, rather than blast the living hell out of them for fun. But it’s not beyond the wit of Viscount Bothermere and his chums to ensure poor people don’t come together in gatherings larger than six. And because shooting parties can have up to thirty members, perfectly safely with no threat of virus transmission, this gives the elite no opportunity to be outnumbered by poor people or Covid.”
Further tightening of Covid-19 restrictions are planned later in the week, after a thorough consultation of the prime minister’s donors social planners.