Government to spend £500m on giant inflatable Winston Churchill to accompany new royal yacht

HOT AIR RISES : Downing Street is to put Global Britain firmly in its place on the map with the announcement of plans to build a giant Winston Churchill inflatable.

The monumental project will be funded from money saved by awarding PPE contracts to friends of Matt Hancock during the pandemic.

“We’ve saved hundreds of millions through cronyism over the last year,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Many of the businesses awarded contracts failed to deliver any product in spite of product sums in the many millions. This lead to significant savings as we didn’t have to pay to store any PPE. We think it only sensible to spend these savings on a moving symbol of national renewal.”

It’s not clear where the floating Churchill will be constructed but it is certain how it will be inflated.

“A direct pipeline will be constructed from all of the PM’s residences direct to a holding facility at Dover. All of the hot air the prime minister produces will be piped to a giant tank and tapped to inflate Winston.”

Safety concerns about the holding facility have been dismissed with the planners ignoring worries it could be overfilled and explode.

“Any concerns about too great a build up of pressure at the prime ministerial hot air holding tanks are nonsense. He naps through most afternoons so the supply will be self-regulating. Clearly if he starts talking in his sleep we’ll just build a larger tank.”

The construction of the floating Churchill is anticipated to finish in time for the maiden voyage of the new Royal yacht.

“Winston will stride from Dover with HMY Prince Philip and the world will gaze in wonder at what we’ve achieved free of the smothering hand of Brussels.”

Plans to include a bar and bouncy castle inside the inflatable have drawn admiration from supporters of Boris Johnson.

“The only quibbles are from a few Tory backbenchers who are demanding the inflatable Churchill have laser turrets for eyes. We intend to give them all laser pens when they step onboard and they can light up France from the viewing platform to their heart’s content.”

But it won’t all be pomp and circumstance as there will be serious work to be done by the inflated national icon.

Trade negotiations will be held inside the floating statue around the world. The meeting rooms will be in the buttocks and a megaphone will protrude to the rear to broadcast the Prime Minister’s statements to whichever colony Winston happens to be moored off at the time. You’ll see. The Commonwealth will fall right into line.”

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