NOT WAVING DROWNING : Downing Street has now put some words behind the other words and pledged to spend £5bn over the next five years building flood proof cycle lanes.
“Critics will say it’s just another big number put about to impress,” a Downing Street source commented, “and that when you divide it by time projected for spend and surface area it’s not that impressive. Just making a welcome start to overturn years of neglect. And we should only get kudos when we actually do it. Talk is cheap. Well, wait until we put it on the side of a bus. Wait for then. That’ll cost a few million right there. It’ll be a bendy bus.”
But what won’t be bendy is the cycle lanes.
“Solid, see through, reinforced, submarine plastic tubing. First one is going in to Hebden Bridge as we speak,” the source adds, “may get a bit hot in summer, so we can use it to grow hothouse fruit and veg. Double win. And when the flooding occurs? You can just cycle right through in the tube. Watch the cars and cattle float passed overhead. Magnificent. Bound to be a tourist attraction no doubt. So we’ll have to privatise them and see the profits go to tax havens. Of course then they won’t be maintained properly and will leak. What catch me in one then! Ha!”
But what about also spending money on flood prevention and protection?
“Oh, don’t worry about that. Funds for those things usually comes from the European Union.”
Good luck everyone. Good luck Hebden.
“Just be sure to bring some flippers and an air tank when cycling. Or catching the bus for that matter.”
Submarine cycle lanes? Whatever will they think of next?