Government to turn The North into a lorry park

IT’S GRIM OOP NORTH: The North’s attempt to acquire public funds for Tier 3 compensation has backfired. This attempt to apply taxpayers’ money for the benefit of taxpayers has enraged a government intent on embezzling it. In retaliation, The North will become one great big lorry park.

This will solve a number of knotty problems. Troublesome Manchester will finally be obliterated, there will be plenty of parking while goods await movement through ports like Liverpool, Hull and Newcastle, and nobody will ever have to eat black pudding again.

This will also benefit Scotland, as The North will form a concrete border with England, and make it that much easier for them to rejoin the EU.

It will also create jobs for all the northerners, who, sadly, will have to make way. Still, a bad job is better than no job, and the government will spend many millions on a campaign informing the hordes of the great unwashed, homeless, flat ‘at, flat vowels brigade, just how lucky they are.

The great cities and the stunning northern countryside will be flattened, and covered with layer upon layer of cheap concrete. That’s what levelling up means.

The motorways will still exist. When a consignment of avocados finally gets through the mountains of customs forms, transit permits, and blue passport controls, there will be no time to lose. Avocado Priority Lanes on the M1 and M6 will ensure that the delicacies will arrive in London by lunchtime, ready to be smashed by trendy hipsters.

Nobody will mention that the avocados will by then have ripened, matured, passed their sell-by date, and rotted away, while stuck in a lorry, waiting for world beating frictionless trade to be invented.

No downsides, just a considerable upside. Trade will still happen. London will still be ok. And nobody will ever have to put up with a northern accent again.

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