Half of all UK alcohol sales to cease Friday at midnight

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE DRUNK TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS : RUMOURS ARE AFOOT, and a hand to mouth in the Westminster estate today, following the decision to ban the sale of alcohol by Speaker of the House Lyndsey A-Hoyle There!

In particular the rumours are focused on plans to stage an internal coup, lead by David “DD” Davis and Michael “Grade A” Gove.

“Once we seize control of the beer taps we will hold all the jars,” David Davis is said to have asserted, confidentially, blithely, over confidentially, perhaps drunkenly, and in complete denial of what most sentient life forms, with or without thumbs, would call reality. But that won’t dent David’s confidence.

The move to ensure that the flow of alcohol remains seamless, while the UK transitions through the pandemic, will also help with the ongoing internal negotiations with the “North”.

“We have to ensure Dominic ‘Doom Bar’ Raab stays well oiled if he’s to bludgeon the upstart Mayor of Manchester in the ongoing negotiations. We’ll be giving Dom yard glasses of warm ale, telling him how macho he looks and then with a slap on the butt he’ll be going to Manchester swinging! Burnham won’t know what hit him. Especially if Raab is carrying CV-19 asymptomatically. Which given the way Jacob Rees-bogg’s is managing the Commons is increasingly likely.”

But potentially the real benefit of ensuring consistent supply of alcohol to the Commons is the risk of an improvement in overall governance if MPs are forced to make decisions sober.

“There’s the real risk of a dangerous precedent being set,” Davis has warned his fellow saboteurs, “if we sober up for a day we maybe forced to confront the reality that we are really, really shit at government. And that’s a red line I’m not personally prepared to cross.”

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