Have you been mis-sold a “world beating” Covid-19 track and trace service?

I HERD IT ON THE GRIFTVINE : LCD VIEWS’ imaginary law firm, LCD Law, has begun placing adverts in all major media outlets (and one or two minor ones, like the BBC) and wants to hear from you.

The subject is the United Kingdom’s Covid-19 track and trace service, which was sold to the country by some posh sounding old Etonians as “world beating”. And sold for a steal.

If you have been mis-sold the service you maybe liable for a no win no fee claim as part of our group action.

Already potential and completely fictitious clients are jamming our non-existent phone lines and filling up our inbox. Which makes a nice change from the deluge of spam we normally have to wade through to find the one or two genuine attempts at communication.

“I was told it was being ramped up,” Ms Citizen, 2020 Wotthefuk Lane, WTF on Sea, tells LCD Law, “but when I caught cold and opened my curtains all I could see was a shiny suited executive laughing at the contract Little Matty Hancock had handed them. No penalty clauses for poor deliverance? You’re having a laugh.”

And Ms Citizen is not alone.

“I saw billions of my hard earned tax money just vanish into the coffers of Serco and friends and nothing much come back,” Mr Citizen complains, “except Dido Harding looking confused.”

And even now, 10 months into the pandemic, there’s half an app and nowt much else to show for all the money you have poured into the ramped up private enterprise tasked with delivering, or not delivering the service.

“Anyone would think they’re trying to keep us outraged and confused while they pursue a pseudo science based idea of herd immunity,” Ms Citizen frowns, “but they wouldn’t do that. Would they? Not the caring Conservatives. That would be the actions of insecure men, overfed on privilege to compensate for their abandonment issues, who believe disaster capitalism is for the win.”

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