Anyone want to see my massive cock, asks massive cock

WILLY WAVING : An ageing hen fancier made an impact today when he thrust himself into a taxpayer funded social event at a fashionable London townhouse.

We spoke to two of the ladies who attended the soirée to see what impact the old boy made?

Although it’s clear from the press images published after the event, whatever the actual motive for the gathering, the spotlight was stuck on a Henry VIII tribute act, and not the ladies themselves.

“He just strode right up to our table like he owned the place,” the first woman reported, “thrusting his pelvis about like he had something stuck, you know, in his behind.”

“I thought he was trying to hold in a fart,” the second giggled.

“Oh, I wondered why he was thrusting his hips at us like that. Clenched tight. Imagine being stuck in a lift with him?”

“He nearly took my eye out!”

“I don’t think it was big enough to do that much damage, to be fair. It wasn’t a health and safety matter, more an issue of taste.”

But what did he ask you?

“He wanted to know if we’d seen his massive cock. Apparently it was right there in front of us,” the second woman shrugged, “he does have a reputation for getting it out wherever he goes.”

“I think one of the ladies at our table had seen it before,” the first woman whispered, “you know, the one young enough to be his daughter.”

“Oh my God. You don’t think he’s a bit like Trump?”

“She wasn’t his actual daughter,” the first clarified, “she just looked young enough to be so. Between you and me I suspect they’re up to something. Although it won’t last. That old boy had a roaming eye.”

“I heard he’s been married a few times before and he doesn’t even know how many kids he has. Bit of a rogue. What do people say now? He’s polyamorous?”

“I think you mean love rat.”

But did you see his massive cock? By the look of a photo we’ve seen on social media it was hard to miss.

“I admit I did glance at it. It was hard not to,” the first lady shrugged, “it’s not the first time I’ve seen one. But the others have been much bigger.”


SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT : A LOCAL SOUTH LONDON GREEN SPACE has hit the headlines after allegedly pooing on a dog, in what has been described as a push back.

”It just rose up and did it,” the owner of the dog, identified locally as Mr Nugget, a Golden Labrador crossed with a Silver Whippet, told LCD Views, “Mr Nugget has been going to the toilet in this park since he was a puppy. If the park was so upset it could have just said something. I’m considering pressing charges and so is Mr Nugget.”

But the park, described as normally tranquil, if a little windy at times, hit back and released the following statement to the press.

”Enough is enough. Who’s the grass cutter now? Yeah? Punks. Go home and do it in a toilet.”

While the statement doesn’t exactly clear the park of the assault, it does display a degree of frustration that other green spaces were quick to respond to.

”Myself, Waltham Forest Green and Hyde Park have started a group on Facebook to show support with our relative. For too long dogs have shat on us at will. This stops now. We will no longer lay down and just take it. You can expect things to get a lot hillier now.”

It’s not clear at this stage if the police will be willing to bring charges and a statement from the local constabulary was not forthcoming, in spite of no effort to obtain one.

We asked our resident greenkeeper what he made of it, and why the green space has decided on a decidedly militant posture.

”It must be something in the water?” he suggested, which wasn’t really any help at all.

Mr Nugget is currently resting at home, but he will have to be walked again shortly, so it seems this may not be an isolated incident.

Emergency services resume looking for Tory wife lost during photoshoot in very patriotic coffee cup

IF IT’S NOT BROKEN DON’T SHIRE IT: Emergency services have resumed their increasingly frantic search today for the wife of Tory MP (and leadership hopeful) James Brokenshire, who went missing during a photoshoot.

“We’ve narrowed the search area down to the kitchen counter,” the head of the search and rescue told a frantic LCD Views, “we believe she may actually have fallen into a giant coffee cup being used as a prop during the photoshoot.”

It’s thought the coffee cup was included in the photo to boost Mr Brokenshire’s credentials as a candidate for Britain and Northern Ireland, after Northern Ireland’s assembly broke under his leadership.

“At present a team is being assembled to abseil into the monumental item of crockery,” the search and rescue spokesman continued, “with plans to feed supplies of food and water into the mug for at least a week, while a rigorous search of many hundreds of square miles is undertaken.”

The prospects of recovering the Tory wife in one piece are good, as the coffee mug was believed to be empty at the time of photographing.

“At least it wasn’t full of liquid when she is presumed to have fallen in,” the spokesman said, “as she wasn’t wearing a flotation device at the time. There is a chance she was merely concussed during the fall and is even now shouting for help, but the distance between the impression given by the photo, and the one intended, is so great that no one has heard her.”

Mr Brokenshire is said to be resting with friends, who are attempting to piece him back together.

Earlier reports that the photo was actually of some aliens attempting to appear to Earthlings in a way they mistakenly thought was disarming have been discounted.

We wish them luck in the search. We are confident the lost individual will be recovered unharmed and be able to take part in the next photoshoot, where Mr Brokenshire will almost certainly be performing the patented Tory power stance.

Boris Johnson offers to present both the prosecution and defence in his criminal trial

THINGS WITH SCALES : Boris Johnson is set for court on the 23rd May, conveniently the same day as EU elections, but in order to come out smelling of roses next Thursday (with a manure after taste) he has reportedly settled on a strategy for court.

“He’s going to offer to present both the prosecution and defence in any criminal trial,” a fly on the wall in Mr Johnson’s office leaked, “at least that’s what I think he said. It was a little hard to understand. There was a lot of mumbo-jumbo being spoken. He was really just making words up. But that’s the gist of it, I think, but don’t hold me to it, I’m about as credible as Bojo making promises to a fine young filly.”

The strategy, if that’s what it is, neatly mirrors the one he is believed to have adopted when deciding what would best maximise his chances of being propelled by the EU referendum of 2016 to the Conservative Party leadership.

It’s not clear how successful it would be, given that mostly he’d just be talking bollocks whichever side he was arguing.

“It’s not about the factual content of what you say,” the fly shrugged, “it’s about how forceful you can make your rhetoric. When you inherit privilege you can assume to be immune to the consequences of your actions. So I reckon he will do a bloody good job of prosecuting himself. He’s already condemned in the court of public opinion, except for some nostalgia freaks in the actual Tory party. Oh and people who like repeatedly punching themselves in the brain. They quite like him too.”

We would like to wish Mr Johnson justice and request people keep an open mind, just like Boris is alleged to have done when deciding whether or not to argue for the humiliation of the UK in early 2016, for his personal gain, or whether it would be better to attempt to defend the country, for the same reason.

Brexit Party launch new venture to combine auto-accidents with physical exercise

SMALL PRINT : The Brexit Party is back in the news today with the launch of an all new insurance venture that combines auto-accident insurance with physical exercise.

”We’re based offshore, but not for tax purposes,” a company spokesman told LCD Views’ moving motions correspondent, “just because we like creating employment for letter boxes on small island territories.”

That’s good to know. Now tell us the inspiration for the new business venture?

”Well, as you may or may not be aware, Brexit and insurance are closely intertwined. If people didn’t crash their cars I don’t know how we would have bankrolled the Leave campaigns in 2016. So it’s a natural fit.”

Sure. Was Nigel Farage’s involvement in an auto-accident the other day also an inspiration?

”Now, now, let me speak. He could see it was about to kick off so he got out of there. Anyone would have done the same in that situation. Especially spotting a child in the other car. What if the kid had been badly hurt? You need to put your running shoes on fast!”

You could claim it was reputational self-defence.

”Quite so. What if some pesky photographer had popped out from behind a bush?”

So tell us about the name of the new company?

”Brexit is all about running and so are we. Running from promises after running for office. Running from those tyrannical bookkeepers at the EU and their obsession with expense accounting. Running from the sky into the ground in light aircraft. Running the U.K. out of the EU. Hit it and run! Like a much younger waitress before your wife catches on! Ha!”

Its bound to be a great success.

”Yes. With Brexit Party insurance you can send us your cash and in the event of an accident you’ll have to run fast to find us! Sign up today. And be reassured, we’ve heard of GDPR. There’s not a day I don’t reminisce about what it must have been like to control the Stasi.”

Thank you for your time. Here’s my credit card details.

”Great stuff! You send us your cash and our cheque is always in the post.”

Water cannon filled with milkshake begins patrolling English towns in big anti-fascist initiative

DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT : McDonalds have been forced to deny today that they are involved in a new water cannon scheme to fight English fascists.

The calls for clarity followed the unveiling of a milkshake firing water cannon, unveiled by a local community group dedicated to fighting toxic nationalism on the streets of England.

McDonalds didn’t contact us directly so we’ve been forced to invent a statement for them. Nothing you are about to read should be taken to be the words of that particular mega-corporation, although we hope they’d quite like them, as we suspect they’re benefiting from the association resulting from the now famous dousing of idiots with shakes.

“Let me say firstly that milkshakes, whatever their flavour, should be enjoyed responsibly,” an invented spokesman, The Nugget, said, “that said, it can’t hurt that our sales are being boosted in particular areas of England as locals prepare for little Tommy and other UKIP candidates visiting. It’s a pity the election season wasn’t longer.”

Whether or not McDonalds will begin marketing special milkshakes just for tipping over wannabe Mussolini’s is not yet clear.

“With soured milk? And out of date flavourings? Like really smelly ones that you can only hold for so long before throwing?” the spokesman asked, “no, we are not, in case someone accidentally drinks one of them instead of using it as it would be designed. All our products should be used as designed.”

The milkshake cannon scheme is expected to do well with large sums pledged to the associated crowdfunder.

“We understand people have been donating little McDonalds’ Monopoly promotion free shake coupons too. Which is really nice.”

It’s not sure how the intended targets of the scheme will respond in what could quickly become an lactose based arm’s race.

“Take out a big recyclable straw is what I’d suggest,” the spokesman shrugged, “keep that big far right mouth open as usual, insert straw and get ready to suck in aerial liquids. That way they could get a free shake and have a cheaper dry-cleaning bill?”

Plans to train a squadron of seagulls fed only on McDonald’s milkshakes, for airborne assaults on UKIP and Brexit Party candidates, are also in the pipeline. A scheme that if successful at launch, could revolutionise how people view the birds. Bullseye.

TOXIC TOMMY toxic shock shocker as fan rushed to A&E after vegan sausage roll contaminates gammon burger

BREAKING : A medical emergency at a Stephan Yaxley-Lennon campaign rally yesterday saw one unlucky fan rushed to A&E after coming into contact with a food substance they were deeply allergic to.

“It didn’t contain nuts,” a spokesman for the Whiter-than-White Shire Ambulance Service told LCD Views, “I mean everyone at the rally is completely nuts anyway, so they’d not be able to stand together in their little group if they were allergic to nuts. I don’t even know how they stand themselves as it is!”

It seems while nuts were involved, albeit only of the vaguely human variety, there was another danger lurking within the food available at the rally.

“They should promise to bribe people through the tax system,” a spokesman for the local constabulary commented, “that’s what mature politicians do. Not give away gammon burgers. Such a display of cannibalism is frankly an assault, and don’t get me started on the actual politics on display. And definitely don’t get me started asking how a convicted criminal is even allowed to stand as an MEP in the first place?”

But what was the dangerous food that caused the punter to be rushed to A&E.

“The individual concerned, a Mr G Gammy-gammon, is believed to have accidentally consumed a small portion of a Gregg’s vegan sausage roll,” the PC police replied, “this led to instant analphabetic shock and a tightening of the airwaves sufficient to stop him shouting abuse at passersby. And we all know without the ability to scream at people a Tommo fan boy is in a critical condition. I believe an inability to raise the arm in a flat palmed salute is also symptomatic of vegan food poisoning.”

But surely the food hygiene standards at such a rally would be watertight?

“Definitely no halal or kosher food anywhere in sight. And yes, no vegan or even vaguely vegetarian food. We suspect it was sabotage. There’s no other reason as to how the sausage roll in question came into contact with the gammon burgers.”

A local outlet of Greggs, near to the rally, has been cordoned off while police laugh at the people attending the rally.

For more information on this incident we have included a link to the article below from the minor news service that brought it to our attention :

The Brexit Party stands a brain in a jar as candidate in EU elections

The Brexit Party is stopping at nothing to dominate the upcoming EU elections in late May after the announcement that it will stand a brain in a jar as a candidate.

While it’s not certain whose brain it once was, to be revealed at a launch of the disembodied and pickled organ’s campaign later this week, it’s certain to be smart enough to gather in Farage’s target voters.

“It’s upset Fox and Widdecombe,” a Brexit Party campaign coordinator told us, “when they announced they were candidates they believed the facade of the party as somehow progressive and democratising couldn’t be ripped away any further. But now, with the formaldehyde soaked specimen agreeing to stand, it’s torn the limelight away just as quickly as it arrived. They’re not happy.”

It’s not clear what the brain in a jar will say at its campaign launch, if anything at all.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. Nigel has been practising his ventriloquism skills. The dead brain will talk alright and the audience will cheer ‘brains! brains! brains!’ in approval.”

The candidacy of the brain is thought to nicely round off the candidates standing for Farage’s new vehicle too.

“We’ve got a guy who taught his dog to do fascist salutes as somehow a champion of free speech, which given the track record on that issue of the group that devised the salute, well, you tell me who buys that and I’ll sell them a bridge in central London. We’ve another guy who makes rape jokes as if decades of social progress never occurred at all, an aged religious fanatic and a BBC regular who promotes far right values under a guise of being far left, now with a brain in a jar, the bases are covered.”

How the brain in a jar will work with the party’s manifesto is not clear either as the Brexit Party will not be announcing a manifesto until after the elections.

“It’s a complete and utter pisstake,” the insider told us, “Nigel has taken trolling the UK to a level even Putin would be proud of. You’ve really got to wonder what’s happened to the country when a sizeable number of people believed to still possess functioning brains, however rudimentary, are still falling for it.”

Man to spend day with his nanny after getting a massive wedgie in the playground from bigger boys

A man who has been elected to parliament, because of a comedy routine which got right out of hand, is said to be feeling better this morning after planning time with his nanny.

“I was seeing cavemen everywhere I looked,” the man told LCD Views, “not cavewomen because they are home in the cave where they should be, having cave babies. And they are to have those cave babies regardless of circumstances,

“It’s their cave duty to cave God. So not them, but these scary cavemen waving about these big ugly democracy clubs. Some of them are supposed to be on my side! But then they rushed me and gave me a constitutional wedgie!”

Apparently the cavemen aren’t going away anytime soon either. And there are thousands of them roaming the streets close to the man’s home without their betters’ permission! It’s very much his worst nightmare.

“Uncontrolled poor people. Tories who aren’t suddenly slavishly serving tax havens!”

It’s believed the man has suffered from this anxiety over cavemen, or commoners as he also refers to them, ever since realising that not everyone is born with massive wealth into a chumocracy and the instinctive ability to know what is best for their inferiors.

“It’s pretty frightening stuff. All these jealous people want my silver spoon. This is why I keep it where I found it when I was born. It is my earnest hope we can get back to a time where only people born owning everything they see are entrusted to make decisions on behalf of the cave dwellers,

“You know, decisions like taking away any form of support they receive out of the mistaken belief that accident of birth is not a fair dealer. Accident of birth worked out very fair for me. These malcontents need to learn to have better accidents.”

So deep was the concern over the sheer number of cave dwellers who had left their caves to come out and demand their democracy behaves like a democracy, the man has to go to his safe place.

“Nanny is always there for me,” the man added, “I need her terribly much. No more so than on days when the political project I’ve put myself front and centre of in order to get even richer through creating a big calamity in the caves appears under threat.”

Not only because it’s based on absolute lies, and by conning as many cave dwellers as possible, but because those lies are now being exposed before the man and his chums have finished manufacturing the calamity! Silly Cambridge Analytica!

”I’m very glad my Auntie is not reporting on it.”

The man looked flushed and started to sniffle then. So we asked his nanny for comment.

“There, there Jacob poos,” Nanny said, “cavemen aren’t really real. Not anymore. There. There. Once you’ve finished your little Brexit you can start restricting their ability to vote. Won’t that be nice too? Don’t worry about all the bigger boys you and Boris bizarrely kicked out of your club. They’re only extremely wealthy egomaniacs, they’ll just take it lying down. Like you did when you got the wedgie.”

And then the man began to sob uncontrollably again.

QUIZ your knowledge. Is Mark Francois the Messiah?

After Mark Francois’s Messianic speech in the Commons yesterday, we understand that people are now considerably confused about who is the real Son of God.

LCD Views is happy to sort it out for you. Test your theological knowledge by taking this short quiz. The simple question you need to answer is: Who said it first? The vice chairman of the European Research Group or Jesus of Nazareth?

Take the quiz.

You’re welcome.