Category: Having a Laugh

HIP BROTHER HIP : SOUTH LONDON is always on the map of stylish innovations for the men of today, and yesterday. From bear baiting circuses in the 16th Century, which made puffy trousers and pantyhose for men a must for any bloodsport crowd, to the pirate eye patch craze of the 1700’s, and all the way to the top knot of today. Now the epicentre of global cool has another notch in its Edwardian oak twist bedpost.

The reason for the latest rush of blood to the head is the BROCHIE!

The Brochie is a “beard scrunchie” – A new way for trendy, hirsute hipsters to style their beards. Or as the inventor of the Brochie, Carnival McKenzoo, explains “to fit a Brochie properly requires an experienced pair of hands”.

LCD Views visited Carnival at his West Bermondsey salon, Douching Dudes, to learn more.

For the interview Carnival’s PA, Collop – a retired circus performer who joined Douching Dudes when he became afraid of heights – seated us in one of the salon’s famous up-cycled 14th Century witch ducking stools. The scratch marks on the arms of the stool imbued it with old world mood and gave us a good idea of what to expect during our own up-styling session.

“I was worried that the beard was once again going out of style,” Carnival told us as we sipped a complimentary decaffeinated, lactose safe, substitute seaweed milk espresso.

And yes, Carnival was wearing one of his latest Brochies. This eye catching Brochie was made from army surplus razor wire wound fetchingly about a garter Carnival claims, “did time in, you know, ahhh, a French brothel before I bought it at an Amsterdam flea market from an unemployed lion tamer while looking for found objects to make my individual, handcrafted Brochies from”.

WOW! But how much does one of these bespoke Brochie’s cost?

“Oh, you know, how much does anything cost?” Carnival replied and then looked intensely serious as he fitted a welder’s glove and stroked his beard. “The gloves are extra man,” he added. “Unless like, your blood don’t flow brother.”

Right on!

But let’s get serious. Where have the millions come from?

“Smegtonic have bought the IP yeah to mass produce a line of identical Brochie’s made from standard scrunchy materials. Yeah. Everyone with a beard can have one. It’s so cool. Hey! Mind the monkey! It’s behind you!”

What? We spun around only to find Collop gigging in a corner on a pile of fresh fifty pound notes. When we looked back Carnival was RIGHT THERE with a Brochie in his hands.

“Made you look man,” he smiled. “Now just grip the arms of the stool yeah, and I’ll fit you right up with a live hand grenade Brochie. You’ll go off with this one. I found the grenade in the snow in Kazakhstan. It took way cool nerves to make the hole through the centre and seal it without you know, blowing up. Just don’t pull out the pin.”

Awesome.

So when will Smegtonic be hitting the stalls with its Brochies for the masses?

“Oh. By Black Friday. Yeah. They just need to raise some more venture capital to pay their manufacturers in Mexico. Right on. But they’ll do it. I trust them. I’ve had the downpayment and I’ve Whatsapp’d over the design. You just wait man. Your babe will know exactly what to get you for Christmas. Peace out.”

But we haven’t finished the interview?

“If the espresso is over so are we. PEACE. OUT. BROCHIE OUT MAN.”

WAY OUT. We left Douching Dudes with the grenade Brochie leading the way. We’ve never felt so primed with style.

*Smegtonic Brochies will retail for £99.99, subject to availability, shipping and exchange rate fluctuations. Advance orders can be made at their website. For one off bespoke Brochies just drop by Douching Dudes and have the “readies ready”. For people without beards artificial beards are required and can be ordered from Smegtonic – Smegtonic bringing venture capital and cool to your beard. Soon.

VIGOROUS AND ZESTY ENTERPRISES : DOWNING STREET have issued an edict to ensure all Tory MPs return from their well earned Easter break refreshed and free of any sort of tension.

“The moment they break up they should begin polishing their poles with enthusiasm,” a 10 Downing Street spokesperson said from the empty £2.6m briefing room that some tosser had put together.

“Use oil if you like. Grab a soft cloth if your hands are sensitive. And then rub that pole until its really shiny. Maybe polish each others. It doesn’t have to be a solo pursuit. You can lend each other a hand.”

The order will please many MPs who maybe wondering what to do with all the free time they will suddenly have? With self-catering accommodation not re-opening until the 12th of April. For others it will be a welcome invitation to travel to their second, third or fourth homes and polish their poles there.

“You’ll all be called upon one after another to do TV interviews and you need to look red faced and full of enthusiasm. A well polished pole will assist in this. Then run a flag up it! Make sure the pole is patriotically firm and ready to stand to attention for the government.”

While many will be happy take the order to heart, some have said it is essentially a pointless edict as “We’re all pole polishers already. Daily. And everyone can see it. We don’t need to be told to get our hands hot and sweaty. It comes naturally.”

HAVING A RIGHT (WING) LAUGH: The BBC’s ambition to make comedy more right wing has been given a helping hand. A humorous individual in Downing Street has just played an extremely funny practical joke on the country.

Indeed, what could be funnier than appointing two dangerous mavericks, with plenty of front but little knowledge of international trade, to the Board of Trade? The right wing comedian behind this side-splitting idea is thought to be Chief Clown Dominic Cummings.

Australia’s worst ever PM, Tony Abbott, has been teamed up with serial shit stirrer and arch Brexitologist, Daniel Hannan. Both promise to be a slapstick idiot on the world stage, making us all laugh with their feeble attempts to make world beating trade deals, their trousers falling down instead!

Watch and hold on to your sides as Tone and Dan throw custard pies at boring officials, then hit each other over the head with foam rubber hammers!

Chuckle incessantly as the gruesome twosome accidentally fall in love with a man dressed as a woman!

The devil has the best tunes. In the same way, the left have the best jokes. The social, intellectual and empathic nature of the lefty lends itself to creativity and humour, whereas the more selfish and unpleasant right wing traits are simply not funny.

But here come the two stooges to change all that! Why try to craft a decent joke, when you can strut about on the world stage, being all sarcastic and misogynist to a laughter track? Feeble women? Hilarious! Poofs and lezzies? What a laugh! Global warming? Stop it, before I wet myself!

And the biggest joke of all – Brexit! That’s a bloody good joke we played on the EU! Imagine their faces as they realise how much they have lost! Picture their anger as we play the ultimate prank! We’ll leave forever and never speak to them again, and then they’ll be sorry!

The UK is rolling in the aisles at the very thought. The BBC has just commissioned 73563378356 episodes of Tony And Dan Fall Over.

WORLD BEATING : The great British public is soon to get a digital discharge onto every handheld device, and tablet, with the release of the “Boris Johnson app”.

The new app will be installed on every device in the UK, and potentially even overseas (depending on Mr Johnson’s schedule) much in the way U2 famously gave everyone an album, whether they wanted it or not.

The Boris Johnson app is believed to have been developed by a data firm closely related to Mr Johnson’s SPAD, Dominic Cummings. Which appears to be the way of things in the UK these days.

“We’re not trying to redesign the wheel this time,” a spokesman for the company concerned, Difficulty, told LCD Views, “we’ve just taken an open source code and rebadged it. Dom’s not entirely happy about that. It doesn’t really let him display his genius, but time is of the essence. Oh, and this hasn’t saved the public any money, we’ve still taken millions, but it’s made us a lot more efficient in the banking of the transfer.”

But early testing of the app has led to some confusion over its intended purpose?

“It appears to be just a pregnancy test?” one focus group participant told us. “I don’t know why I need it? I’ve already had a vasectomy, which is something I would recommend for Mr Johnson.”

Family planning advice to one side, they don’t know why they need it because they haven’t been paying attention.

“Oh wait, now I get it. It’s because Johnson is screwing the entire country.”

And we’re all now anxious and pregnant with expectation of what comes next…

WILLY WAVING : An ageing hen fancier made an impact today when he thrust himself into a taxpayer funded social event at a fashionable London townhouse.

We spoke to two of the ladies who attended the soirée to see what impact the old boy made?

Although it’s clear from the press images published after the event, whatever the actual motive for the gathering, the spotlight was stuck on a Henry VIII tribute act, and not the ladies themselves.

“He just strode right up to our table like he owned the place,” the first woman reported, “thrusting his pelvis about like he had something stuck, you know, in his behind.”

“I thought he was trying to hold in a fart,” the second giggled.

“Oh, I wondered why he was thrusting his hips at us like that. Clenched tight. Imagine being stuck in a lift with him?”

“He nearly took my eye out!”

“I don’t think it was big enough to do that much damage, to be fair. It wasn’t a health and safety matter, more an issue of taste.”

But what did he ask you?

“He wanted to know if we’d seen his massive cock. Apparently it was right there in front of us,” the second woman shrugged, “he does have a reputation for getting it out wherever he goes.”

“I think one of the ladies at our table had seen it before,” the first woman whispered, “you know, the one young enough to be his daughter.”

“Oh my God. You don’t think he’s a bit like Trump?”

“She wasn’t his actual daughter,” the first clarified, “she just looked young enough to be so. Between you and me I suspect they’re up to something. Although it won’t last. That old boy had a roaming eye.”

“I heard he’s been married a few times before and he doesn’t even know how many kids he has. Bit of a rogue. What do people say now? He’s polyamorous?”

“I think you mean love rat.”

But did you see his massive cock? By the look of a photo we’ve seen on social media it was hard to miss.

“I admit I did glance at it. It was hard not to,” the first lady shrugged, “it’s not the first time I’ve seen one. But the others have been much bigger.”

SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT : A LOCAL SOUTH LONDON GREEN SPACE has hit the headlines after allegedly pooing on a dog, in what has been described as a push back.

”It just rose up and did it,” the owner of the dog, identified locally as Mr Nugget, a Golden Labrador crossed with a Silver Whippet, told LCD Views, “Mr Nugget has been going to the toilet in this park since he was a puppy. If the park was so upset it could have just said something. I’m considering pressing charges and so is Mr Nugget.”

But the park, described as normally tranquil, if a little windy at times, hit back and released the following statement to the press.

”Enough is enough. Who’s the grass cutter now? Yeah? Punks. Go home and do it in a toilet.”

While the statement doesn’t exactly clear the park of the assault, it does display a degree of frustration that other green spaces were quick to respond to.

”Myself, Waltham Forest Green and Hyde Park have started a group on Facebook to show support with our relative. For too long dogs have shat on us at will. This stops now. We will no longer lay down and just take it. You can expect things to get a lot hillier now.”

It’s not clear at this stage if the police will be willing to bring charges and a statement from the local constabulary was not forthcoming, in spite of no effort to obtain one.

We asked our resident greenkeeper what he made of it, and why the green space has decided on a decidedly militant posture.

”It must be something in the water?” he suggested, which wasn’t really any help at all.

Mr Nugget is currently resting at home, but he will have to be walked again shortly, so it seems this may not be an isolated incident.

IF IT’S NOT BROKEN DON’T SHIRE IT: Emergency services have resumed their increasingly frantic search today for the wife of Tory MP (and leadership hopeful) James Brokenshire, who went missing during a photoshoot.

“We’ve narrowed the search area down to the kitchen counter,” the head of the search and rescue told a frantic LCD Views, “we believe she may actually have fallen into a giant coffee cup being used as a prop during the photoshoot.”

It’s thought the coffee cup was included in the photo to boost Mr Brokenshire’s credentials as a candidate for Britain and Northern Ireland, after Northern Ireland’s assembly broke under his leadership.

“At present a team is being assembled to abseil into the monumental item of crockery,” the search and rescue spokesman continued, “with plans to feed supplies of food and water into the mug for at least a week, while a rigorous search of many hundreds of square miles is undertaken.”

The prospects of recovering the Tory wife in one piece are good, as the coffee mug was believed to be empty at the time of photographing.

“At least it wasn’t full of liquid when she is presumed to have fallen in,” the spokesman said, “as she wasn’t wearing a flotation device at the time. There is a chance she was merely concussed during the fall and is even now shouting for help, but the distance between the impression given by the photo, and the one intended, is so great that no one has heard her.”

Mr Brokenshire is said to be resting with friends, who are attempting to piece him back together.

Earlier reports that the photo was actually of some aliens attempting to appear to Earthlings in a way they mistakenly thought was disarming have been discounted.

We wish them luck in the search. We are confident the lost individual will be recovered unharmed and be able to take part in the next photoshoot, where Mr Brokenshire will almost certainly be performing the patented Tory power stance.

THINGS WITH SCALES : Boris Johnson is set for court on the 23rd May, conveniently the same day as EU elections, but in order to come out smelling of roses next Thursday (with a manure after taste) he has reportedly settled on a strategy for court.

“He’s going to offer to present both the prosecution and defence in any criminal trial,” a fly on the wall in Mr Johnson’s office leaked, “at least that’s what I think he said. It was a little hard to understand. There was a lot of mumbo-jumbo being spoken. He was really just making words up. But that’s the gist of it, I think, but don’t hold me to it, I’m about as credible as Bojo making promises to a fine young filly.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.ft.com/content/a9caa9de-766f-11e9-bbad-7c18c0ea0201

The strategy, if that’s what it is, neatly mirrors the one he is believed to have adopted when deciding what would best maximise his chances of being propelled by the EU referendum of 2016 to the Conservative Party leadership.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-secret-pro-eu-article-revealed-expressing-doubts-brexit-a7363781.html%3famp

It’s not clear how successful it would be, given that mostly he’d just be talking bollocks whichever side he was arguing.

“It’s not about the factual content of what you say,” the fly shrugged, “it’s about how forceful you can make your rhetoric. When you inherit privilege you can assume to be immune to the consequences of your actions. So I reckon he will do a bloody good job of prosecuting himself. He’s already condemned in the court of public opinion, except for some nostalgia freaks in the actual Tory party. Oh and people who like repeatedly punching themselves in the brain. They quite like him too.”

We would like to wish Mr Johnson justice and request people keep an open mind, just like Boris is alleged to have done when deciding whether or not to argue for the humiliation of the UK in early 2016, for his personal gain, or whether it would be better to attempt to defend the country, for the same reason.

SMALL PRINT : The Brexit Party is back in the news today with the launch of an all new insurance venture that combines auto-accident insurance with physical exercise.

”We’re based offshore, but not for tax purposes,” a company spokesman told LCD Views’ moving motions correspondent, “just because we like creating employment for letter boxes on small island territories.”

That’s good to know. Now tell us the inspiration for the new business venture?

”Well, as you may or may not be aware, Brexit and insurance are closely intertwined. If people didn’t crash their cars I don’t know how we would have bankrolled the Leave campaigns in 2016. So it’s a natural fit.”

Sure. Was Nigel Farage’s involvement in an auto-accident the other day also an inspiration?

”Now, now, let me speak. He could see it was about to kick off so he got out of there. Anyone would have done the same in that situation. Especially spotting a child in the other car. What if the kid had been badly hurt? You need to put your running shoes on fast!”

You could claim it was reputational self-defence.

”Quite so. What if some pesky photographer had popped out from behind a bush?”

So tell us about the name of the new company?

”Brexit is all about running and so are we. Running from promises after running for office. Running from those tyrannical bookkeepers at the EU and their obsession with expense accounting. Running from the sky into the ground in light aircraft. Running the U.K. out of the EU. Hit it and run! Like a much younger waitress before your wife catches on! Ha!”

Its bound to be a great success.

”Yes. With Brexit Party insurance you can send us your cash and in the event of an accident you’ll have to run fast to find us! Sign up today. And be reassured, we’ve heard of GDPR. There’s not a day I don’t reminisce about what it must have been like to control the Stasi.”

Thank you for your time. Here’s my credit card details.

”Great stuff! You send us your cash and our cheque is always in the post.”

DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT : McDonalds have been forced to deny today that they are involved in a new water cannon scheme to fight English fascists.

The calls for clarity followed the unveiling of a milkshake firing water cannon, unveiled by a local community group dedicated to fighting toxic nationalism on the streets of England.

McDonalds didn’t contact us directly so we’ve been forced to invent a statement for them. Nothing you are about to read should be taken to be the words of that particular mega-corporation, although we hope they’d quite like them, as we suspect they’re benefiting from the association resulting from the now famous dousing of idiots with shakes.

“Let me say firstly that milkshakes, whatever their flavour, should be enjoyed responsibly,” an invented spokesman, The Nugget, said, “that said, it can’t hurt that our sales are being boosted in particular areas of England as locals prepare for little Tommy and other UKIP candidates visiting. It’s a pity the election season wasn’t longer.”

Whether or not McDonalds will begin marketing special milkshakes just for tipping over wannabe Mussolini’s is not yet clear.

“With soured milk? And out of date flavourings? Like really smelly ones that you can only hold for so long before throwing?” the spokesman asked, “no, we are not, in case someone accidentally drinks one of them instead of using it as it would be designed. All our products should be used as designed.”

The milkshake cannon scheme is expected to do well with large sums pledged to the associated crowdfunder.

“We understand people have been donating little McDonalds’ Monopoly promotion free shake coupons too. Which is really nice.”

It’s not sure how the intended targets of the scheme will respond in what could quickly become an lactose based arm’s race.

“Take out a big recyclable straw is what I’d suggest,” the spokesman shrugged, “keep that big far right mouth open as usual, insert straw and get ready to suck in aerial liquids. That way they could get a free shake and have a cheaper dry-cleaning bill?”

Plans to train a squadron of seagulls fed only on McDonald’s milkshakes, for airborne assaults on UKIP and Brexit Party candidates, are also in the pipeline. A scheme that if successful at launch, could revolutionise how people view the birds. Bullseye.