HAND ON STAFF : THE INGERLISH HEALTH SECRETARY, MATT HANCOCK, has come in for some flak this morning after claiming that due to the successful landing of the NASA Perseverance Rover overnight on the red planet that the “entire British population of Mars” has now been fully vaccinated.
The health secretary made the otherworldly claim during a tearful turn on morning television.
“I’m just so proud. I want to thank the entire team at Downing Street for making this possible,” Mr Hancock said, tissue dabbing at tears. “British people on Mars can now go about their business as before. And it’s only year three of the pandemic.”
But critics have demanded clarification on the claim.
“One dose or two?” one prominent media figure correctly and justifiably demanded, before returning to his obsessive and baffling crusade against a former royal who lives on the other side of the world.
Others were demanding to know what the actual British population of Mars is? In order to correctly assess Hancock’s claim.
“I would suggest that those who are seeking to undermine the government’s achievements on Mars take a good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror,” Mr Hancock spat back, presumably because that query was made by a lady.
The prime minister Boris Johnson is also expected to capitalise on NASA’s achievements by having photos taken by the rover doctored to show him visiting a vaccination centre on Mars and interrupting an entire day’s vital public health work.
“Boris Johnson should see a nice boost in the polls from NASA’s efforts,” another commentator noted. “Because apparently you can have successive waves in a pandemic, while many countries haven’t, and still get a poll boost from the people left alive. Exceptional effort.”