“I have passed my peak and it’s all downhill from here” – PM to reassure anxious nation

WE WILL FAIL THEM ON THE BEACHES AND IN THE CARE HOMES : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, AL TO HIS FRIENDS, IS EXPECTED to reassure an anxious United Kingdom in a major speech, later today.

The speech has a capacity to be 100,000 words long, which is all that matters, not how long it actually turns out to be.

“It’s okay. We’ll crowdsource the extra words from the party faithful, and from Dom’s army of fake Twitter accounts,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “most of the speech will be a mishmash of barely understood and distinctly misapplied Churchillian references and Ancient Greek. Maybe some Latin if Boris is feeling wistful. And then claim victory. Our ICU’s were never overwhelmed. Just don’t ask why.”

The speech is further expected to hit the right notes, at the right time, and the impact of the speech will be a victory. It will be spoken about in WW2 metaphors and hopefully a few veterans will be co-opted to make anyone tempted to criticise the oratory feel so guilty they keep quiet. That will also be a victory.

“Everyone will understand that Boris has been victorious,” the source went on, “and he’ll wrap it up by revising an ancient and traditional British chant.”

Two World Wars And One World Cup?

“Precisely. That’ll see off any questions about how Germany managed to deal with Covid-19 so much better than Blighty, so far. We were following the science. That’s a victory too. Mostly for setting up scientists as fall guys for when we need to claim victory in the aftermath.”

Tune in and tune out.

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