DUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU: The pilot of the stranded barge in the Suez Canal has given his version of events. It appears he was trying to preserve local wildfowl.
The HMS Brexit is now so firmly wedged between the banks of the canal that it will take a monumental effort to free it. It has created so much friction for local trade that not even 73 pages of paperwork and a large bribe can ease it.
“I did what any pilot would have done,” insisted pilot Harrrda Starrrboard. “There I was, steering hard to the right, according to UK guidelines, when out of nowhere this duck appeared in front of me. She had all these fluffy little ducklings with her. You should have seen them, they were so cute!”
Evasive action was clearly necessary.
“Yes, well, I panicked, didn’t I,” said Starrrboard. “I didn’t want to run them over, so I braked hard, swerved, and sounded my horn all at the same time. Unfortunately the back end swung round, and, well it’s like the barge equivalent of your car ending up in the ditch. I called the AA at once, but to be honest, this has nothing to do with my drinking problems.”
Meanwhile the duck was unimpressed.
“It’s that old canard, swerved to avoid a duck,” quacked Livina Pond. “It’s come to a pretty pass when I can’t take the ducklings out for their daily exercise without some stupid drunk piloting their massive boat past my front door. I’ll tell you what this canal needs, it needs speed bumps and a pelican crossing, that’s what it needs. This used to be a nice quiet backwater once, before these maniacs started using it as a cut-through.”
If you don’t like it, you could always move.
“What, and go and live in the Med?” quacked Pond furiously. “Have you seen the prices there? And all the bloody tourists! No, I’ll take my chances with the boats, thank you very much!”
Got to love a duck!