I want to build bridges between our divided communities, says man with track record of not building bridges

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED QUARTERS: Or, let’s stick together. Crime Minister Boris Johnson has this message for the nation: Just because we have alienated at least half of the population, it’s no reason not to be friends.

“I want to build bridges between, erm, wiff waff, erm, reasonable people and, erm, caveat emptor, erm, lefty activist metropolitan elite scum!” said Johnson shiftily. “My record of building bridges is second to none!”

Johnson threw his considerable weight behind the Garden Bridge in London. The bridge was never built, but not before many millions had been spaffed up the wall on it.

“It was overpriced, and, in all probability, would have been under-engineered,” claimed disgruntled ex-aide Geri Bildt. “His considerable weight would have snapped it in two. It nearly snapped me in two on a number of occasions,” she reminisced, shuddering slightly.

Among Johnson’s other conquests is the sea bridge between Ireland and Scotland. This would cost around £20bn and cross a large munitions dump. Expensive and explosive? This sounds like another job for Dido Harding.

“Would you drive over a long bridge, exposed to the elements, and liable to blow up at a moment’s notice?” asked Bildt, rhetorically. “It’s an excellent Brexit metaphor, I’ll give it that.”

Then there is the English Channel crossing. That’s another Johnson idea which will never get off the ground.

“I have all the bridges, all the best bridges!” countered Johnson, in a passable imitation of his spiritual twin, Donald Trump. “I, er, we, er, Britain, er, yes, Britain has the capacity, yes, the capacity, to build the bestest and bigliest bridges! And I will do the same for the warring plebs! We may have been chained to a rock by the EU, but no more, I say! And like Prometheus, our liver will grow back, better than ever, in Global Britain!”

Johnson also intimated that he was interested in a project to dig a tunnel from a British beach all the way to Australia.

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