World famous welfare system reformer and humanitarian, Irritable Duncan Syndrome, has announced he’s to spend time in Liverpool Prison.
“It’s about understanding how the average family survives in a prison. It’s vital I get first hand experience of observing the daily grind to better formulate my vision for Universal Incarceration.”
IDS has chosen Liverpool Prison as,
“It’s a shining example of how the social engineering and reform of undeserving poor worked in the 19th century. That’s a place myself, and numerous colleagues on the government benches, wish to return day to day life in 21st England to.
You know, they had transportation then. It was privatised because it made it more cost effective.
Basically you could just dump people who wouldn’t play by the fair rules of the game on the opposite side of the world.
Sorry, we’ll have to stop a moment, I’ve got something nostalgic in my eye.”
While IDS’s latest brainstorm is only just brewing up, we’ve managed to tease out some of the initial thoughts.
“Activities for inmates will include cheese rolling, buffing medallions, standing in a room of other people and not being noticed,” IDS has scribbled down on a yellow legal pad, “the sort of vigorous skills that equip a man for life on the outside.”
Although IDS’s notes hold a warning for those who don’t follow the regime.
“Prison time isn’t free you know. It’s important to ensure being in prison is never more fun than being on the outside.
To this end I will be encouraging a vigorous regime of whipping and beatings.
Worse even than queuing at one of those supermarkets poor people frequent.”
IDS is due to begin his half an hour inside Liverpool Prison just as soon as HM Prison service has managed to mop out a cell of a build up of stools.
“You won’t find spare stools and other seats just piled about unused in my universal incarceration system. Not on your nellie.
In fact, as everyone with a net income of less than the average Conservative Party donor will be forcibly incarcerated to staff the post Brexit industries of tomorrow, you’ll be lucky to find room to put a stool down.”
Stock up on tobacco, once IDS puts his latest reforms into action, you’ll be going down. After appropriate means testing to determine if you’re guilty, of course.