“If you feed a hungry child one day they’ll just come back for more” – Tory MP makes sense of meals policy

MORE, YOU WANT MORE : THE CONSERVATIVE MP for the picture postcard district of Hunger-on-Why, Sir Toby Fullbeli-nondom-Ridiculius-Max, has been sent out today to explain the Johnson government’s decision over summer school meals.

“It’s learning that makes you hungry,” he told a compliant BBC show, “and during the long, glorious ENGLISH summer months poor children won’t be learning anything, clearly, they will be on whatever digital leisure device my taxes bought them. It’s hard enough to get the little buggers to receive an education at the best of times. All this moaning about food. Have you seen my collection of rare Albanian ivory? Family obsession. Began in the Crimean War. What were we talking about? Let’s put a tiger in that tank! Oompf!”

And while the government spokesman is perfectly sensible, there is now a rumbling political furore over Boris Johnson’s refusal to reverse the meals policy.

Some useful suggestions have come forward, from the Conservative Party, such as poor children to be sent a copy of ‘Oliver Twist’, to nourish their souls. Also that they may like to have a whip around and then donate the proceeds to the Conservative Party, the better to influence policy. Or even set up a pest control company and bid for a PPE contract. If successful the untold riches that would flow their way will more than pay for lunch.

Although that option is said to be disliked by 10 Downing Street, due to the risk of creating social mobility.

“He doesn’t feed his own children why the bally hell should he feed yours?” Sir Toby continued, reasonably enough, “children need to learn the value of hard work. Just like I did, and my chums. You try managing the man that manages your 13,000 hectare estate day in and day out? Bloody hard work. When I inherited Bilehead Hall, after my eldest brother was disinherited because of his stubborn refusal to call off his marriage to that exotic lass, I took on the full responsibility. Just you see the mess it would become if some low born child tried this? No stomach for the graft you see. It’s in the genes. Transportation was too good for them. You can’t cure that class. Born that way. Part of God’s plan. Burrrrrrrrp!”

But with the government digging in, and displaying once again an unexpected feature of Boris Johnson’s politics, that of unnecessarily wasting political capital (by the truckload), it’s been left to footballers to fill the policy void.

“You see that’s what really rubs us the wrong way. Some chap who was born poor trying to dictate policy to his betters? Merely because he’s got his hands on some money? New money, what do you expect? It’ll be the end of Great Britain if we let ball players force our hand. Heaven forbid! Good thing the football is back on. Bread and circuses! That’s what the country needs. Well, circuses. Not bread, clearly. Crickey. Don’t eat leftover pheasant for breakfast. I don’t half have some indigestion this morning. Besides, if you feed a hungry child one day, they’ll just be back the next for more. Nurse! My pills! Where in blazes is my nurse?!”

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