MAKING THE RUNNING : WORLD RENOWNED PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has hit back today over criticisms about his style of pandemic governance.
“Some willywobblers have been unfairly complaining that I am not leading in the fight against Covid-19, but rather waiting for the Scots to make a move and then following,” Mr Johnson told the country, via a video link set up in a tent on a movie set.
“This is not the case! Take back control from Sturgeon my backbenchers cry? I…I…I…I do not, I say I DO NOT sit idly waiting for the results of our private polling, and how seemingly killing the vulnerable is hitting my numbers, and then glance over to see what Sturgeon is doing. This is not the case. Mostly I am drinking. Just look at my record. How many buses I have made from empty wine crates? Like Agamemnon launching a thousand shits I will row, row, row my boat forcibly up Covid’s streams!”
But in spite of the firm denial from the placeman in No 10, the pattern is now firmly established.
Our internal expert says – “Basically it’s a calculation of how many votes will be lost if X number of voters die + how rich Tory party donors can get off the back of Covid-19 before a tightening of policy. That’s how it seems. So once the polling shows a significant drop in support it’s a decision of either extending the eat out to help out food+porn initiative, or actually putting in place guidance to prevent preventable deaths? With a side calculation of how much political gain Sunak is experiencing by fiscal bungs to the populace, versus Mr Johnson’s own all important centralising of political power? Managing a pandemic is incredibly complex. It’s not just a case of doing the bleedingly obvious to avoid a cold virus spreading.”
At least that’s clear now. And Mr Johnson had a final stinging retort for his critics.
“Even if, and I say this with my fists clenched for BATTLE! EVEN IF, even so, even if like the Minotaur faced with a man armed with a ball of wool and a stick I may appear to be following Nicola Sturgeon’s lead on Covid-19, after so many entirely sensible U-turns, there is one area where I am well ahead of the Scottish problem. I am by far making all the running in breaking up the United Kingdom! Huzzah!”