I’m the greatest PM ever, but the public is just too complacent, says Boris Johnson

FLOAT LIKE A BEE, STING LIKE A BUTTERFLY: I’m the greatest, claims Boris Johnson. The only reason that the country is on its knees is that the public don’t realise it yet.

“I told the public to Stay Alert,” Johnson argued. “But they didn’t do what I said, did they? No, they went back to work, started drinking in pubs again, and ate out to help out. The public just does what it likes with no consideration of the consequences.”

Unfortunately the public is so confused by the ever shifting regulations that they tend to fall back on British Common Sense. Which usually means doing what you want to.

If only, Prime Minister, you had rebuked Dominic Cummings for breaking lockdown, and fined your father for ignoring the rules.

“Yes, well, no, well, I’m a busy man,” he stammered. “Err… wiff waff, isn’t this just like the Siege of Athens, where Aeschylus dragged a Minotaur up to the gates, and Helen of Troy turned a thousand ships to stone with a single glance, and Icarus fell from the sky because aeroplanes hadn’t been invented yet?”

For a details man, some of the details are a little less than accurate there.

“I have spent ten, yes ten, long years, single handedly turning back the tide of the last Labour government!” he cried, in an attempt to get back on the front foot.

In other words, your policies have been ineffective, if Labour is still more powerful than ten years of Conservatism.

“I got Brexit done!” he insisted. “Against all the odds! My oven ready deal, which…”

Which you then voted against…

“…which did exactly what it said on the tin…”

Serving suggestion?

“…and delivered what the people want! Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours!” he concluded.

It still splits the UK up. Northern Ireland will effectively remain in the EU.

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking legs,” he bluffed, grasping at straws. “Or kneecaps, you know what the Paddies are like. Anyway it’s all the fault of the public, they voted for this!”

The blame game. One thing Boris Johnson is genuinely good at.

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