Category: Inappropriate language

SPIN BLOCK MAX FACTOR : Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab is said to be “stressed to the max” and in danger of overdosing on protein shakes today due to current events getting in the way of his study of The Ladybird Book of Geography.

“He hadn’t even got to the countries that start with A,” a FCO insider tells LCD Views. “He was just about finished marvelling at the front cover of the book. It’s a shame he likes pictures so much. He stood a chance of discovering Afghanistan before it all kicked off this week while he was on holiday.”

But kick off this week it did and sadly for Dom, and the thousands of endangered Afghanis who risked their lives to work with British forces over the last 20 years, Dom was MIA. On a beach in Crete enjoying what some have unsympathetically called an unearned holiday.

Happily though the luminaries of the Tory intellectual elite are rallying to his cause. No less an intellectual giant than David Davis even taking to Twitter to express his disgust at people criticising Raab for failing to foresee an event two decades in the making. Davis is well placed to provide sympathy. No one who saw his outstanding preparations as Brexit Secretary can forget his achievements. Before it all got too hard and he buggered off.

Random back benchers are also coming to Raab’s aide. With one even commenting that “Dominic Raab’s only crime was to care too much about his holiday”. A defence with which anyone who has achieved one of the great offices of state, and then couldn’t be bothered to actually do it, can have sympathy.

Of course the unsung victim in all this is perhaps Matt Hancock. He must be wondering right now what someone has to do to get fired from Johnson’s cabinet these days? It wasn’t like this in his day.

RHAID I’R ARCHESGOB FOD YN DAWEL : The Prime Minister Boris Johnson is a forward thinking fellow who appears to have invited all manner of worthy individuals in to save our precious United Kingdom.

Wayward, lazy thinking elites would suggest that a fair and equitable division of power and wealth across the four nations of the Union may help keep it together, but what do they know?

“Mr Johnson set up the Union Unit and put Michael Gove in charge of it to save the Union. He’s the obvious choice because he has a finger firmly on the pulse of all the nations. Admittedly it’s a very slimy finger and it constantly slides off, but that won’t stop Gove,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

Clearly the greatest driver of risk to the stability and long term future of the United Kingdom is the avocado and sourdough consumption of Londoners. But a careful eye must be cast Sauron like beyond the glass towers of the capital and into the valleys of our septic isle.

“It’s easy to solve the problems in Northern Ireland,” the source advises. “You just deny they exist and blame Europe. Scotland? A healthy and ongoing contempt towards Sturgeon reminds the Scots of their place. As for the Welsh and the growing desire for independence there? Here a divine touch is called for.”

And judging by his recent actions it’s the Archbishop of York who is working his magic here. Although this is just speculation.

“Mr Johnson has been having a really jolly time writing a speech for the Archbishop to give to the Welsh. In English. Telling them to sing God Save The Queen was just the opening gambit. Now we have to strike at the heart of their belief system.”

The heart appears to be dragons.

“Unlike the English flag of Saint George which is in honour of a verifiable Englishman who is known for his realistic and courageous feats, the Welsh flag focuses on a fantasy. We’re not having that!”

To deal with it the Archbishop of York will write a major column in a national paper to explain to the Welsh that dragons aren’t real.

“Once they understand that their desire to be ruled by Tories from Westminster will be undeniable.”

The Archbishop, performing miracles daily until the Union is saved. Not just spouting off any old shite in a self-defeating display to keep the PM happy.

SOURCE OF NATURAL GAS : The United Kingdom’s last Prime Minister Boris Johnson has suffered a mysterious and perplexing fall in personal popularity recently.

The popularity of the country’s PM does not affect its governance, which will continue to be ghastly as long as Mr Johnson remains in 10 Downing Street. It is important however, as being popular is the only motivator for the prime minister.

“The success of the throwaway line about Thatcher, miners and climate change the other day has Mr Johnson thinking hard about whether or not he can riff off it again,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

While the PM could reach into his extensive back catalogue of columns and recycle a joke about an ethnic minority or women, it’s believed he feels it will be good to draw on Thatcher again, because of her enduring resonance in the popular imagination.

“He’s going to go with Climate Change again. That’s a definite,” the source suggests, “all the way to the burning seas. He just has to find the right classical reference to throw into the mix this time.”

The necessity of acting swifter on his personal polling, than climate change, is obvious, as the Tory Party will not tolerate his toxic clown act if he no longer looks like a guaranteed vote winner.

“People are starting to talk about his successor and that’s no laughing matter for Boris,” the source adds. “He needs to move fast and he needs to move now. You can just feel Gove in the shadows phoning around to see who is ready to go for the kill. The PM will tolerate a lot of things. Child poverty. Anti-vax and racist street protests. Collapsing U.K. businesses due to his policies and so on. But he will not tolerate manoeuvres to stab him in the back. Loyalty to him is very important. Only loyalty to him you understand, the rest of it is a load of old bollocks.”

Let’s hope Mr Johnson comes up with a killer gag soon before his popularity completely goes up in smoke.

“We’re asking right wing comics to write in with any suggestions. Be fast. The Johnson fatberg is capsizing and the temperature is rising.”

For the Great British public however, increasingly it seems the end of Johnson’s career will be both a surprise and a right old laugh.

HAPPY ACCIDENT AT BIRTH : 2020’s Swimsuit Calendar of the Year Champion, and Chancellor, Rishi “Fishy” Sunak has some well timed words of advice for upwardly mobile Brits now that the pandemic is in retreat.

It seems the Chancellor believes the scandals involving David Cameron are sufficiently distant in the country’s rear view mirror now and he can once again style his hair, break cover and make a run to get into 10 Downing Street.

“Eat Out to Help Out boosted my credentials with the younger demographic,” the Chancellor revealed, in an unusually forthcoming interview, “the voters of tomorrow are my core support. I want to do everything I can to help them forget David Cameron and Greensill and back me when the time comes for Johnson’s Et tu Rishi moment.”

And as everyone knows the way to the heart of young voters is not pesky trivialities like Freedom of Movement, readily available food, Erasmus, relieving the debt burden of further education, climate change action, not deporting their friends’ mums and peace in Northern Ireland. No. The way to win the hearts and minds of the young is restaurant promotions that potentially knocked off their gran.

“But we also need advice at key stages in our lives,” Rishi says in statesmanlike tones, “such as what is this item of cutlery poking out of my arse? Is it a platinum or silver spoon? How to leverage the family connections when your education is complete? How many digits make up a million. How else will you understand your personal wealth at birth? And how to translate all of that to economic units who may erroneously believe they have some intrinsic worth?”

Clearly, for Rishi, the answer to all these big questions is “Get back into the office you slackers before my donors lose some net worth.”

And remember, accident of birth is for suckers, if you want to really get ahead you need to ensure you are born incredibly privileged or it could “damage your chancers and career.”

IT WASN’T ME GUV : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on the receiving end of some surprising criticism for encouraging racism today, in the wake of the appalling abuse of England’s football team following Sunday night’s Euro2020 final. Following the final whistle some of the UK’s world leading gammon took to social media to heap racist abuse on a team which has exceeded expectations.

Happily for Global Britain though, as it showcases itself to the world, the PM has a ready explanation for his use of racist tropes in much of his back catalogue of published writing.

“My accounts have been hacked, all of them,” Mr Johnson told a press briefer yesterday evening. “I haven’t written a single word ever. Nothing that has ever appeared with my byline was written by me. It’s an absolute scandal and the police should have found the culprit, or culprits long before now.”

When asked how he could not have noticed articles appearing with his name under them using racist tropes to demean Muslim women, or decidedly colonial language when talking about the continent of Africa, Mr Johnson shrugged and hit back, “You try being drunk your entire career and see if you notice an article with your name on it using homophobic language? Or suggesting eugenics by way of population control. Bit bloody ticklish when you find yourself in command of a pandemic strategy leading to one of the planet’s worst death tolls! Ha!”

While the PM’s explanation will satisfy many, as he is a famous slacker and there has been considerable doubt about how much work he actually does, not everyone is satisfied.

“He’ll be telling us the pandemic strategy has been hacked next,” one disgruntled insider commented, “right about the time the irreversible lifting of restrictions is reversed.”

Your Prime Minister is not racist, but, racists do seem to find a lot of encouragement under his premiership…perhaps someone in his cabinet can explain why?

In Westminster today, Sir Brindsley ‘Bunny’ Schwarzkopf-Hare, Conservative MP for Chipping-sub-Parva, caused controversy when he tweeted that woke BLM activists had infiltrated Chipping-sub-Parva’s parish council and demanded the removal of a bench dedicated to the memory of his great great grandfather, Sir Hubert Fondly-Schwarzkopf-Hare KMPG, on the tenuous grounds of his involvement in the slave trade.

The 78 year old MP, who has never held high office but was once mentioned by John Major as ‘a member of Parliament’, tweeted, ‘The bench has been a permanent feature outside the Chipping Old Incontinents’ cricket pavilion since time immemorial and it is typical of the awoke, BMW, snowball Marxists on the parish council to want to remove an important part of our heritage.’

Responding to replies, he added, ‘I appreciate that some people are offended by my ancestor’s involvement in the slave trade but I must emphasise that he ceased this enterprise immediately after the siege of Mafeking, when his great friend, General Robert Baden-Powell, mentioned en passant that slavery was perhaps regarded as a trifle infra dignitatem.’

After being informed that slavery had been declared illegal some 60 years before Mafeking, he said that political correctness had obviously been around a lot longer than he thought. ‘In any event, the PM chose me particularly to make a statement reflecting the Conservative Party’s high regard for England’s rich history and heritage.’

Boris Johnson later said that Sir Brindsley had been appointed to some office or the other, and that he had been immediately sacked. ‘This demonstrates our commitment to our well-regarded policies on equality and diversity,’ he said. ‘To be utterly frank, I’d never even heard of him before today.’

MORE FOGHORN THAN DOG WHISTLE : The UK’s premier cash transfer scheme, Dido Harding, has notched another impressive achievement to her CV after being confirmed as the new UKIP leader.

It was feared the UK’s governing political party was rudderless after the departure of the last leader, the appropriately named Dick Brain, but mercifully Dido has stepped up to fill the void.

The confirmation came late yesterday after Dido Harding published an opinion piece regarding foreign staff in the NHS that was every bit as subtle as “Nigel Farage standing on a beach screaming obscenities at refugees struggling to reach land”.

It’s thought Dame Harding of Cashot will easily fulfil the role of UKIP leader, and thus policy think tank for 10 Downing Street, while also running the NHS.

“Dido won’t have any trouble running the NHS, once she’s confirmed in the top job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “as her job will be to run it into the ground much in the manner of a 747 jet with no tail. Smash it into millions of separate components and let the US health companies scavenge the saleable parts. Health outcomes won’t be of any concern. This aligns with the governing Tory philosophy of government since 2010. Public outcomes are not important. The transfer of public assets and cash into private pockets, that’s the real public service.”

How long Harding stays as UKIP leader is anyone’s guess.

“It’s a must have on the CV of anyone failing upwards in Global Britain. You need to get your reputation tarnished by association with xenophobia, either overtly or implied. This secures her in famous liberal Boris Johnson’s world beating team.”

THEY NEED ENGLISH MORE THAN WE DO: Leaving the EU has had disastrous consequences for the bloc. English is no longer permissable as a lingua franca, since Leave means Leave and we got our language back. 

Naturally this left the EU in crisis mode, and liable to collapse at any minute. 

Sweden stepped into the void. Deprived of their annoyingly fluent English, the Swedes proposed using Swedish instead. Unfortunately for the English, nobody on the UK negotiating team understands Swedish, with all their funny punctuation marks and Viking overtones. 

Linguists pointed out that the Swedish language, like its furniture, is a self-assembly flat pack affair. This may be so, but the instructions are utterly impenetrable to Lord Frost and his cronies.

Ancient Greek and Latin were originally put forward as strong and modern candidates, but were eventually defeated by the Germans on penalties. Eventually Swedish was chosen, in order to really confuse the Brits.

There are many advantages to this. Firstly, the Daily Express does not know whether to be ecstatic about regaining sovereignty over the Great British Language, or outraged that the bloc it was so desperate to leave no longer wants the English either. 

Secondly, it means that the ongoing negotiations with the UK will be conducted in a language the British do not understand. This means that Lord Frost, in his desperation to meet his Waterloo, will sign anything put in front of him, so long as they assure him that The Winner Takes It All.

Frost, though, is considered equally non-fluent in many European languages, his disdain qualifying him to present the UK segment in the next Eurovision Song Contest. His grasp of English itself is not as strong as you might hope, given that it took him 5 months to read and understand the NI Protocol. 

Swedish is a fantastic language. It allegedly has 17 different words for gammon. 

MATT DOOR MATT : Dominic Cummings shocked anyone paying attention yesterday by not gaslighting, for a while. The weirdness of hearing testimony which matches lived experience led to a feeling of elation for many. You are not going crazy. Your impression of the Johnson government as a toxic, shambling shit shower of unnecessary death is correct. Yippe!

Not everyone was happy though. Not supporters of Matt “the men who died on those beaches” Hancock, who came in for some heavy, heavy petting from former super genius Dom.

”Matt doesn’t know what Dom said about him yet. He was too busy operating on a higher plain. You should see him when he revs up. It’s like watching a force of nature. You ever left an apple so long in a fruit bowl that it slowly shrivels, gets mouldy, the insides liquify and leak out, then there’s just a blackened and dried out curl of something almost unidentifiable? Like that. That’s Matt.”

How Matt will react when he learns that Cummings says he is an incompetent liar who should have been sacked 15-20 times isn’t entirely clear. Rage isn’t plausible. He may get angry, but apart from crowding out your personal space he is not credible as a physical threat.

“He’ll lie of course,” Matt’s supporter reveals. “He’ll say something ridiculous like he didn’t watch as he was saving lives. Not a shred of credibility about the statement, but he’ll say it. It’s what he does. He lies. It’s how he honours those men who died on the beaches. He’s very special.”

Perhaps a more honest statement from Matt would be that he didn’t watch as he was out there “saying lies”.

“But that would be honest. That’s not how you manage a pandemic, except when you’re replying to messages about PPE contracts on WhatsApp.”

DAVID CAMERON’S SHEPHERD’S HUT SHED TOUR DATES ANNOUNCED : BRITAIN’S GREATEST LIVING LOBBYIST, and former chillaxed Prime Minister David Cameron, is being asked a series of gruelling questions today over that little Greensill lobbying scandal. But he’s taken the time for some self-promotion too.

During questioning over why he so persistently and affectionately lobbied former colleagues and government officials for cash Mr Cameron dodged one particularly incisive smart bomb with a touching diversion.

“I think what the viewers really want to hear today is when the sequel to my bestselling memoirs ‘Britain And My Part In Its Downfall’ is due for release?” the award winning amateur economist replied.

Of course he is right about that as he has proven right about so many things. Which casts in stark release how wrong he turned out to be about Greensill and that little NHS cash burner.

“It’s not just all fun and games in my shed. It’s not only putting on some hip and hop and smoking a few bowls maaaaaan,” Mr Cameron drawled insouciantly. “Can we smoke in here? Let’s party. Who wants to party? Will you roll up? Shall I roll up? Who wants to fist bump?”

No one wanted to party. Only one person wanted to fist bump and they wouldn’t admit to it.

Instead EVERYONE was eager to hear the title of the sequel to a memoir that topped the best seller lists on Pluto’s moon Charon in both 2019 and 2020.

“David Cameron and My Part in His Downfall,” Mr Cameron finally laid it down. “It’s due for early release, which is probably more than you can say for most ministers who served from 2010 until now! Ha!”