THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF AMNESIA : PRESIDENT OF ENGLAND FOR LIFE, BORIS DE ETHICAL BINFIRE JOHNSONOV, has reached out the hand of friendship to his erstwhile political enemies today.
“At first he was just going to tweet in caps ‘PUT THE F*CKING LOTION ON YOUR SKIN OR ELSE YOU’LL GET THE HOSE AGAIN!!,*!1’,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “then we realised not enough people appear to be aware of that ‘Silence of the Lambs’ reference anymore, so he changed to a more direct approach.”
And the more direct approach does have the advantage of helping Mr Johnsonov’s political enemies know how to go about making up and putting the kettle on.
“It’s really very easy,” the source continued, “you start by completely ignoring the psychological trauma being experienced by millions of EU27 citizens who moved to the UK legally, laughably thinking we were their friends and would protect their rights whatever happens. Just forget about it. Just be like Boris. Well, until you need to whip up a bit of toxic ethno-nationalism for political points scoring. Then forget again.”
What about the British citizens who have moved across the Channel to the EU27?
Ah, I see. What else?
“You never, ever mention the proven criminality that corrupted the 2016 referendum again. Be like the Labour leadership. Not a peep. It doesn’t matter. Don’t expect laws to be updated to safeguard elections and referendums in the 21st Century while the politicians potentially politically profiting off the lawbreaking are in government. And just DON’T MENTION IT for obvious political capital if you’re the leader of the official opposition. Hush now. Shhh,
“By not taking a position on the most important political crisis of the age you’re winning the argument. You’re so clever. If the government is doing well treating the electorate like fools, you just have to do that better!”
I can’t even remember what you just said.
“You’re getting the hang of it.”
“Forget the way Mr Johnson has lied, deceived, disregarded trust based arrangements in our politics and governance, promised things he can never deliver purely for short term political advantage, and the fact he’s about to burn the country to the ground when his delusions hit the wall of reality.”
I’ll never give it another moment’s thought. Let’s get behind Brexit.
“Oh yeah. Stop calling it Brexit too. It’s called the bold leap forward. And ditch the label Remainer/s.”
“You need to stop using it because otherwise Mr Johnson and chums can’t pretend you never existed to begin with. Remember, when it all goes rapidly tits up, you’re all to blame for not making a success of it.”
What about Nazanin Zaghari-Radcliffe, the Acuri investigations, the report into Russian interference in UK elections, the waste of the abandoned Garden Bridge, the conspiracy to have a journalist beaten up, all the racist language, the times he’s been fired for lying, the obvious disdain for the hard work of actual governance, the decade of Tory rule and its blatantly avoidable miseries for the profit of a tiny percent and the fact the serial adulterer won’t even admit how many children he has?
“You really are going to have to try harder. There’s so much to forget to make a success of Br”
“It can happen to the best of us. Now, hurry up and throw your moral compass in this skip, hit yourself in the head with this plank of 4×2 and let’s be friends. If we all close our eyes, put our fingers in our ears and don’t open our mouths ever again we can all help make a success of Boris Johnson’s government.”