Boris Johnson invites Remainers to develop severe amnesia and become his friends

THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF AMNESIA : PRESIDENT OF ENGLAND FOR LIFE, BORIS DE ETHICAL BINFIRE JOHNSONOV, has reached out the hand of friendship to his erstwhile political enemies today.

“At first he was just going to tweet in caps ‘PUT THE F*CKING LOTION ON YOUR SKIN OR ELSE YOU’LL GET THE HOSE AGAIN!!,*!1’,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “then we realised not enough people appear to be aware of that ‘Silence of the Lambs’ reference anymore, so he changed to a more direct approach.”

And the more direct approach does have the advantage of helping Mr Johnsonov’s political enemies know how to go about making up and putting the kettle on.

“It’s really very easy,” the source continued, “you start by completely ignoring the psychological trauma being experienced by millions of EU27 citizens who moved to the UK legally, laughably thinking we were their friends and would protect their rights whatever happens. Just forget about it. Just be like Boris. Well, until you need to whip up a bit of toxic ethno-nationalism for political points scoring. Then forget again.”

What about the British citizens who have moved across the Channel to the EU27?

“Who?”

Ah, I see. What else?

“You never, ever mention the proven criminality that corrupted the 2016 referendum again. Be like the Labour leadership. Not a peep. It doesn’t matter. Don’t expect laws to be updated to safeguard elections and referendums in the 21st Century while the politicians potentially politically profiting off the lawbreaking are in government. And just DON’T MENTION IT for obvious political capital if you’re the leader of the official opposition. Hush now. Shhh,

“By not taking a position on the most important political crisis of the age you’re winning the argument. You’re so clever. If the government is doing well treating the electorate like fools, you just have to do that better!”

I can’t even remember what you just said.

“You’re getting the hang of it.”

What next?

“Forget the way Mr Johnson has lied, deceived, disregarded trust based arrangements in our politics and governance, promised things he can never deliver purely for short term political advantage, and the fact he’s about to burn the country to the ground when his delusions hit the wall of reality.”

I’ll never give it another moment’s thought. Let’s get behind Brexit.

“Oh yeah. Stop calling it Brexit too. It’s called the bold leap forward. And ditch the label Remainer/s.”

Why?

“You need to stop using it because otherwise Mr Johnson and chums can’t pretend you never existed to begin with. Remember, when it all goes rapidly tits up, you’re all to blame for not making a success of it.”

What about Nazanin Zaghari-Radcliffe, the Acuri investigations, the report into Russian interference in UK elections, the waste of the abandoned Garden Bridge, the conspiracy to have a journalist beaten up, all the racist language, the times he’s been fired for lying, the obvious disdain for the hard work of actual governance, the decade of Tory rule and its blatantly avoidable miseries for the profit of a tiny percent and the fact the serial adulterer won’t even admit how many children he has?

“You really are going to have to try harder. There’s so much to forget to make a success of Br”

Careful!

“It can happen to the best of us. Now, hurry up and throw your moral compass in this skip, hit yourself in the head with this plank of 4×2 and let’s be friends. If we all close our eyes, put our fingers in our ears and don’t open our mouths ever again we can all help make a success of Boris Johnson’s government.”

German language lessons in British schools to be replaced by WW2 movies after Brexit

THE GRATE INSCAPE : Teaching the German language after Brexit will be much simpler after the Department for Education announced a dramatic reduction in the vocabulary.

Schnell, Verbotten, Schnapps and Guten Morgen are all patriotic British school children will need to memorise in order to get an A star grade.

They won’t even need to know what the words mean, just be able to pronounce them in a cinematic accent.

But critics of the much needed reform have hit out at some glaring omissions to the curriculum.

WW2 movie fanatic, Mr Bloom, spotted the holes in the new lesson plans.

“How are patriotic British students supposed to know what close a run thing WW2 was without knowing what achtung and wurst mean?” he demanded to know, “imagine seeing an extra playing a SS soldier in any of the classics shouting out sausage and a child of Brexlandia not knowing that food was in the offing?”

Ja!

The change to German language lessons are a pilot too, so our source in the Department of Education informs.

“It’s a pilot but they’re in a Spitfire! Ha! Once the pass rate for German dramatically improves than French will also get the treatment.”

Just so.

“And the only vocabulary necessary will be how to signal your willingness to make love in the right accent.”

LCD Views would like to commend the reforms and declare they are long overdo.

“Once these are rolled out all citizens of Brexitlandia will be cunning linguists.”

Sounds like a key plank of happiness to us! Ja! Ja!

‪“My dad could beat up your dad” – Johnson to give last major speech of GE campaign‬

YOU AND WHOSE ARMY : OUTGOING TORYKIP PRIME MINISTER BORIS ‘the milkman’ de Spaffle JOHNSON has issued a tough challenge to all opposition leaders this morning, as the first GE campaign of 2019 enters the final day.

“My dad could beat up your dad,” Alexander declared, shivering somewhat from hiding in a fridge, yellow on his back and blue in his face, “any time any day. Your dad is a chicken. Bruck! Bruck! Something classical allusion latin.”

The declaration will come as a shock to the other leaders. Especially as the moment he made it little Boris ran away again.

“They think they’re campaigning against a bullish man in his 50’s,” our campaign analyst commented, “but that’s where they’re wrong. They are actually running against a man child so emotionally stunted he never developed to the point of stunting in the first place. An entitled brat with a psychology to fit. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect him to act the bully, but to hide from risk and wait for dad. And to think our political system is current at a point where he can feasibly go on to continue as prime minister? What does that say about the contract between political parties and the electorate? Neither appear to have been taking their responsibilities seriously for a long time.”

And whether or not the other party leaders will take the bait and attempt to organise a dust up behind dads, behind the Westminster bike sheds, is not yet clear.

“It’s likely most will ignore the jibes, as they’re grown ups, and just keep on campaigning.”

But while the declaration from Little Bojo may never actually be tested, it’s very utterance, added to the stunt with the JCB yesterday, suggests that the UK would be better served giving Boris Johnson a set of Tonka trucks to play with tomorrow and then kindly tell him to piss off.

BBC Boris Johnson interview to go ahead after he agrees to be interviewed by his dad

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : It’ll be wall to wall Johnsons on the BBC this weekend after Boris Johnson stopped being so coy and agreed to a hard hitting interview, just not with Andrew Neil.

“Complete sausage festival,” an overexcited BBC editor told LCD Views, “as the old cock takes on the ageing cock and there won’t be a dry eye, or seat, in the house. It’ll be totally hardcore.”

But in spite of the promise of an interview with impact, rumours suggest there will be some topics not on the table.

“Clearly no one will discuss the issue of parenting or how to raise children. Stanley sausage will be staring at the evidence of how well he did and Boris sausage doesn’t even know how many kids he’s fathered, or where his kids are. And if he can keep dodging those court summons he never will! Allegedly. And neither will Wikipedia.”

But what questions will be on the charge sheet, your honour?

“There’s dozens. So many questions. You’ve never seen so many questions asked, and answered, in a Johnson v Johnson, head to head before. And what’s best, they’ll be multiple choice.”

What’s the first question?

“What do the great British people want done with Brexit? Four possible answers. All are done. Boris can not fail to avoid the wrong answer.”

And the second question?

“What will happen with Brexit if Boris is re-elected PM? You can guess the answer, even though it’s multiple choice! It goes on like this for an hour.”

And we hear there’s a very special ending planned?

“Yes indeed. C4 isn’t the only TV company who knows how to get a hold of an ice sculpture. Behind both great men of the British dystopia will be an ice sculpture of a polar bear.”

Will it melt through the programme?

“I hope not too much. To end the show, and to show the viewing public there’s no hard feelings between the two blonde cocks, they will stand united, unzipped and micturate all over the bear until it’s just a yellow mess on the floor.”

Which is exactly how the entire UK will look if the great British public are daft enough to give the Johnsons another five years.

Boris Johnson tweets Haiku out to show his brains on campaign it rains

I STAND BEFORE YOU JUST A MAN : OUTGOING PM BORIS ‘EVERYMAN’ JOHNSON has re-energised a flagging general election campaign today by showing the UK his sensitive side.

“He’s tweeted a Haiku,” a Downing Street source says, “Corbyn maybe able to make jam. Swinson maybe able to make waves in all directions. Sturgeon maybe planning to build a wall, but Boris is the only candidate who is prepared to reveal what keeps him up at night. And he’s done it in three lines. He’s done it by making a word salad.”

The Haiku itself is not the invention of Mr Johnson, in spite of factcheckUK claiming that the celebrity journalist, turned poundstore Trump politician, invented the form in Uxbridge in the 17th century.

“It will make everyone stop and take note,” the source continues, “you can expect a rave review from an excited Laura K. But it’s not a dead cat, even though everyone will be talking about it all day. It’s just Boris being Boris.”

And it’s no surprise the noted Oxford scholar has turned his hand to poetry and constructed the 5-7-5 poem. He’s previously been known for writing on the side of a bus and even building buses as an arts and crafts project in his spare time.

“This will be certain to widen the gulf between himself and the others. Once everyone sees that the serial adultery, the serial lying, the serial prolificacy, the inability to put a number on how many children he’s fathered, the alleged cash for favours with foreign actors and the overspend on technology lessons were all just hiding a sensitive soul, rather deep inside.”

It will be interesting to see if the other contenders for the UK’s crown now come up with their own verse.

Boris Johnson’s Haiku No 1.

Dying in a ditch
Bus passes painted riders
Jon Snow winter comes

Conservative Party renames itself Wikipedia for remainder of GE campaign

SEEING IS BELIEVING : THE CON-SERVATIVE PARTY is out front in the facts racket today after head of campaign strategy, The Russian Government, took the decision to rebrand overnight.

“This builds on the success we enjoyed on Twitter last night during the so called leader’s debate,” James ‘king’s fool’ Cleverly told LCD Views, “changing the official Conservative Party press twitter account to appear like an organisation that actually gives two hoots about truth was a masterstroke. We must have fooled one, maybe two voters, before we were rumbled. So let’s go the whole hog!”

Whether or not the Electoral Commission will allow candidates standing in next month’s GE to run under the party name of ‘Wikipedia’ is not yet clear though.

“I wouldn’t worry about the old toothless tiger,” a source in 10 Downing Street said, “we’re going to need to replace most of the ballot papers, after the polling stations close, with more accurate ballot papers anyway. So we can make the change then.”

And to ensure the success of the adoption of a brand with a better reputation for accuracy, the Wikipedia party will be taking out paid adverts.

“Type in Wikipedia in your browser and the search engines will offer you a range of website addresses that at first glance appear to be the actual Wikipedia page. But you’ll just be coming home to us. Which will be nice. Then we can give you facts we’ve created just for you, based on mining your data. These can be updated based on your reactions. It’s about democracy. Try it now, search for Boris Johnson!”

We have.

Boris Johnson : More Churchill than Churchill. A father to the UK who only ever speaks the truth – Wikipedia.

Boris Johnson to spend £100m learning the words to “The Wheels On The Bus”

Get Nursery Rhymes Done : OUTGOING prime minister Boris Johnson has pledged to restore his reputation as a father today by taking steps to memorise popular nursery rhymes. And he’s prepared to put your money behind the pledge.

Speaking at a controlled explosion in Cheshire, the Tory hopeful spoke of the urgent need to extend early learning through adulthood.

“For too long the absent fathers of this great nation have been held back by a failure to know the lyrics to popular nursery rhymes,” The serial shagger asserted, waved his arms about distractedly, checked his phone to see if any hot totty had messaged him, and then went on,

“Humpty Dumpty! Little Red Riding Hood! The Teddy Bears Picnic! American Psycho! Why Nations Fail by Daron Acemoglu & James A. Robinson especially, the words of these great works, they should be learned by heart. They need to be understood. Or one risks coming over a right prat at prearranged visits to nurseries. Not nurseries where your own children attend, clearly not that.”

He went on to pledge additional spending to his end. Much more than he is alleged to have spent to get his end away with a certain technology consultant.

“I myself, when confronted by a blonde sprog who looks vaguely familiar have reached for the classics!” Mr Johnson enthused, “Theseus and the Wool Shop! Persephone and the unwanted child! I will now learn ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ by heart. Britain deserves better! My next government will spend £100m on a bus based campaign to ensure no child is left gazing up at the face of the man who won’t acknowledge him, or her, and find that classic sperm donor wanting for a popular rhyme.”

As to any actual plans for governance, or addressing the deep crisis ten years of government based on milking the state dry has caused, he offered little but more empty phrases.

“Seize the tits of Britannia and ferry the milk, every drop, away from the open mouth of the hungry infants. Store it all in the fridges of the tax havens. Milk the motherland dry! How did I get in here? Who are you? Was this one of Dom’s ideas?”

He left soon after, reportedly pursued by a blonde haired infant, arms raised, and a questioning look on their face.

Five or six children deserve better. Britain deserves better.

Boris got that right at least.

The lies on the bus go round and round.

Boris Johnson gives up booze because “In vino veritas”

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR : Outgoing British-American Prime Minister Boris “Russian name” Johnsonov has announced he is on the wagon for the GE campaign.

“He’s given up drinking booze for the general election campaign, maybe even until after he’s failed to deliver Brexit,” a Downing Street ‘Sauced’ told LCD Views over a plate of fava beans and a nice chianti, “I mean, clearly he’ll still be injecting speed directly into his eyeballs. Doctors orders. One has to cope with Carrie’s demands to repaint the 10 Downing Street hallways somehow. It’s not all fun and games bedding down with an ambitious young woman in nesting mode you know. Still, needs must.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson is able to stick to his alcohol abstinence remains to be seen. Also whether or not he’s telling the truth about taking the pledge to begin with.

“Let’s not get confused though,” the Sauced went on, “he’s not doing the twelve steps. His life expectancy isn’t long enough to get passed the bothersome phase of phoning up people you’ve wronged to ask for forgiveness. No one’s is. Christ, the conversation with Arlene Foster alone would take a month. And he’ll still be intoxicated with large measures of disingenuousness. Rampantly shagging with his uncontrollable lust on full throttle. Verifiably avaricious and so on. It’ll still be Boris being Boris, wine or not.”

Presumably though if he gives up the plonk he runs a lower risk of making a complete tit of himself?

“Well, quite. Although between you and me it really doesn’t matter how much Moet or claret he’s smashed away. You still can’t tell if he’s too lazy to learn details or too thick to understand what he’s signed up to with the old WAB. Sobriety doesn’t make any difference on that score. I hardly know why he’s bothering? What’s in a bottle of wine that he could possibly be scared of?

Maybe because ‘In vino veritas’?

James Cleverly’s empty chair scores higher in IQ test than James Cleverly

OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE WHEN FIRST…: It’s been revealed today that James Cleverly faces an uphill re-election struggle in Braintree.

“Initially the struggle seemed to be just how different to his surname the Conservative Party chair is proving to be, oh, and the lying, oh, and the countdown clock. But it’s got worse,” our source at pollsters NoGov revealed, “Kay Burley’s interview with the empty chair has seen James Cleverly’s empty chair instantly overtaking him in polling for preferred MP for Braintree, if it turns out a Conservative is returned on the 12th December.”

The challenge may indeed come as a shock to Mr Cleverly, but may at least distract from the total clusterfuck he, Rees-mogg and Bridgen have made of the Conservative campaign kick off.

Even if the chair scoring higher than James in a hastily conducted IQ test maybe a little disappointing.

But it’s really not all bad news for Mr Cleverly, even after he lied, it seems, about why the chair was empty, and then was caught out in the lie because of time. And the shocking reality that recorded events can happen at different times and the times be checked.

The chair is said to already have its sights set on greater achievements than replacing Cleverly in Braintree.

“The empty chair is also polling exceptionally well as preferred prime minister,” our pollster advises, “and is seeking a safe seat now for the GE. This is after the expert manner with which it handled Burley’s questions. Not one attempt at evasion. Not one lie. Just a straightforward approach. A vow of silence if you will, it worked a treat.”

It may also work for Mr Cleverly. Hint. Hint. And numerous other Tory wannabes.

Nigel Farage to become BBC Director General as reward for electoral pact with Boris Johnson

IGNOBLED BY DESIGN : Nigel Farage is celebrating the renewal of his contract as (unofficial) Director for News and Current Affairs at the BBC with the announcement that he is to increase his influence and become the Director General of the whole kit and kaboddle.

Speaking to a forced press conference earlier today Mr Farage spoke of his pleasure at his new appointment.

“Now. Now. Let me speak (no one was interrupting him). Some would say this is just maintaining the status quo,” Mr Farage said, “but I would say it’s a reward for hard work in the service of shadowy backers and tub thumping, nation destroying nationalism, paid for by the nation. Quite the lark. Bartender, another bite of bitter! Charge it to the EP!”

The elevation of Mr Farage to Director General is believed to be part of an electoral pact with outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson. This will give Mr Johnson a clear run at the credulous vote, at least on the right wing of British politics.

And it’s even better for Mr Farage.

“I must say I was additionally touched when I told old Bojo and Short Cummings that becoming Director General of an organisation I already control by default was not enough. If they wanted me to stand down the attack dogs of my limited company in the upcoming GE I needed to be ignobled also.”

And ignobled Mr Farage is set to be.

He is to become Lord Haw-Haw of Faschism before taking up his expanded duties.

There are of course critics of the move. Some hoped with the retirement of Daily Mail audiobook, John Humphrys, that the BBC may become more impartial again. But those critics won’t stand a chance of appearing in the BBCQT audience, so we can pretend they don’t exist.

“Some would say my ignobling as Lord Haw-Haw is also just maintaining the status quo,” Mr Farage added. “And it would be hard to disagree with that. Bartender! Drinks for the house. They’re on the BBC!”