Boris Johnson gives up booze because “In vino veritas”

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE DRUNKEN SAILOR : Outgoing British-American Prime Minister Boris “Russian name” Johnsonov has announced he is on the wagon for the GE campaign.

“He’s given up drinking booze for the general election campaign, maybe even until after he’s failed to deliver Brexit,” a Downing Street ‘Sauced’ told LCD Views over a plate of fava beans and a nice chianti, “I mean, clearly he’ll still be injecting speed directly into his eyeballs. Doctors orders. One has to cope with Carrie’s demands to repaint the 10 Downing Street hallways somehow. It’s not all fun and games bedding down with an ambitious young woman in nesting mode you know. Still, needs must.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson is able to stick to his alcohol abstinence remains to be seen. Also whether or not he’s telling the truth about taking the pledge to begin with.

“Let’s not get confused though,” the Sauced went on, “he’s not doing the twelve steps. His life expectancy isn’t long enough to get passed the bothersome phase of phoning up people you’ve wronged to ask for forgiveness. No one’s is. Christ, the conversation with Arlene Foster alone would take a month. And he’ll still be intoxicated with large measures of disingenuousness. Rampantly shagging with his uncontrollable lust on full throttle. Verifiably avaricious and so on. It’ll still be Boris being Boris, wine or not.”

Presumably though if he gives up the plonk he runs a lower risk of making a complete tit of himself?

“Well, quite. Although between you and me it really doesn’t matter how much Moet or claret he’s smashed away. You still can’t tell if he’s too lazy to learn details or too thick to understand what he’s signed up to with the old WAB. Sobriety doesn’t make any difference on that score. I hardly know why he’s bothering? What’s in a bottle of wine that he could possibly be scared of?

Maybe because ‘In vino veritas’?

James Cleverly’s empty chair scores higher in IQ test than James Cleverly

OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE WHEN FIRST…: It’s been revealed today that James Cleverly faces an uphill re-election struggle in Braintree.

“Initially the struggle seemed to be just how different to his surname the Conservative Party chair is proving to be, oh, and the lying, oh, and the countdown clock. But it’s got worse,” our source at pollsters NoGov revealed, “Kay Burley’s interview with the empty chair has seen James Cleverly’s empty chair instantly overtaking him in polling for preferred MP for Braintree, if it turns out a Conservative is returned on the 12th December.”

The challenge may indeed come as a shock to Mr Cleverly, but may at least distract from the total clusterfuck he, Rees-mogg and Bridgen have made of the Conservative campaign kick off.

Even if the chair scoring higher than James in a hastily conducted IQ test maybe a little disappointing.

But it’s really not all bad news for Mr Cleverly, even after he lied, it seems, about why the chair was empty, and then was caught out in the lie because of time. And the shocking reality that recorded events can happen at different times and the times be checked.

The chair is said to already have its sights set on greater achievements than replacing Cleverly in Braintree.

“The empty chair is also polling exceptionally well as preferred prime minister,” our pollster advises, “and is seeking a safe seat now for the GE. This is after the expert manner with which it handled Burley’s questions. Not one attempt at evasion. Not one lie. Just a straightforward approach. A vow of silence if you will, it worked a treat.”

It may also work for Mr Cleverly. Hint. Hint. And numerous other Tory wannabes.

Nigel Farage to become BBC Director General as reward for electoral pact with Boris Johnson

IGNOBLED BY DESIGN : Nigel Farage is celebrating the renewal of his contract as (unofficial) Director for News and Current Affairs at the BBC with the announcement that he is to increase his influence and become the Director General of the whole kit and kaboddle.

Speaking to a forced press conference earlier today Mr Farage spoke of his pleasure at his new appointment.

“Now. Now. Let me speak (no one was interrupting him). Some would say this is just maintaining the status quo,” Mr Farage said, “but I would say it’s a reward for hard work in the service of shadowy backers and tub thumping, nation destroying nationalism, paid for by the nation. Quite the lark. Bartender, another bite of bitter! Charge it to the EP!”

The elevation of Mr Farage to Director General is believed to be part of an electoral pact with outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson. This will give Mr Johnson a clear run at the credulous vote, at least on the right wing of British politics.

And it’s even better for Mr Farage.

“I must say I was additionally touched when I told old Bojo and Short Cummings that becoming Director General of an organisation I already control by default was not enough. If they wanted me to stand down the attack dogs of my limited company in the upcoming GE I needed to be ignobled also.”

And ignobled Mr Farage is set to be.

He is to become Lord Haw-Haw of Faschism before taking up his expanded duties.

There are of course critics of the move. Some hoped with the retirement of Daily Mail audiobook, John Humphrys, that the BBC may become more impartial again. But those critics won’t stand a chance of appearing in the BBCQT audience, so we can pretend they don’t exist.

“Some would say my ignobling as Lord Haw-Haw is also just maintaining the status quo,” Mr Farage added. “And it would be hard to disagree with that. Bartender! Drinks for the house. They’re on the BBC!”

Jacob Rees-mogg begins test of endurance lying to raise the standing of parliament

MONEY RAISED EXPECTED TO GO TO DUBLIN INVESTMENT FUND : BRITAIN’S GREATEST LYING (down) STATESMAN, Jacob Rees-mogg esq, has announced he will begin a feat of endurance lying (down).

“It’s to raise the standing of parliament,” The Victorian parlour game told a largely empty Conservative Party conference, “recently some scoundrels have brought the public perception of the mother of parliaments low by lying to the Queen to unlawfully prorogue our sacred parliament, making unfulfillable promises to the electorate, damaging our economy to the perceived benefit of offshore wealth funds, reducing our international standing to that of a joke nation, threatening the very integrity of our union and suggesting the actual government may not follow the law of the land. Something has to be done to correct this. Non possum accipere omnia credit. And don’t get me started on Bercow. No really, it would be unwise. I would just start lying.”

And he can’t take all the credit for the long list of accomplishments. But he can do something about it.

“I’m going to continue lying,” he told the decomposing corpse of the Conservative Party at conference, “and not just here at this wake for a once powerful British political party. I will lie in parliament, again, as I did so successfully during a recent debate. I’ve been in training for this moment all of my life. Carpe supellectilem!

And when will the endurance lying begin?

“Oh, I have already begun, a considerable time ago. Well before I cooked up a plan to denigrate the civil service under the cover of parliamentary privilege. But now I’m combining what I do effortlessly with actually lying down too. On the green government benches. In parliament. The British man and woman will be encouraged to see such vigour on display.”

And how long will you continue to lie?

Sicut aer in pulmone exspirare, et ego, dum moventur labia illius.

Let‘s hope the lying (down) is successful and the Dublin investment fund feels the benefit.

BBC denies ordering presenters to refer to Trump impeachment as “standard performance review”

NAME ONE THING DAVID CAMERON DIDN’T BREAK : The BBC is on the front foot today after accusations over its handling of language. Or more specifically, how it directs its public faces to talk.

The denial of top down censorship of news staff comes at a welcome time, as the publicly funded broadcaster is under fire for sanctioning one of its presenters for suggesting someone who says racist things is a racist.

“It’s well known white, British neo-colonialists are the experts on racism,” a BBC source told LCD Views, “people who aren’t white don’t need to worry themselves about it. The racism is well in hand. And its well known that since David Cameron’s administration jammed the BBC hierarchy with right thinking Tory place people that the public are more correctly informed.”

The reassurance comes at a crucial time, especially as the focus of so much snowflake handwringing, Donald Trump, appears to have finally gone too far.

“There is no suggestion that we will cover Donald Trump’s standard performance review in anything other than a robust way,” the source confirmed, “just like we will cover the focus of his standard performance review, that being an alleged attempt to conduct a perfectly normal diplomatic discussion with Ukraine, in any way that isn’t completely impartial.”

The source also has some words for anyone who might wish to register complaints over the editorial line the BBC news outlets now take on such trivial matters as Brexit.

“That’s where people are going wrong,” the source admonished, “it’s not news nowadays but ‘news’, and that’s an important difference.

“Hold my beer” Labour NEC sends direct message to Tory HQ

IT’S LEXIT OR THE NHS : Labour’s ruling NEC have sent a powerful and blunt message to the shambolic, divided, toxic, incompetent, corrupted, lawbreaking, country demolishing Conservative Party of minority government today.

“Hold my beer,” a Labour NEC ‘source’ told LCD Views, “Tories think they know how to wage a civil war at great cost to themselves and the country? Well, they haven’t seen a clique of aged, unreformed, wannabe communist revolutionaries infighting.”


“And the message will have been received,” our WTF are you doing? correspondent comments, “as multi-millionaire, career politician, Jeremy Corbyn, who has somehow managed to convince a reducing number of supporters that a guy who’s been in parliament for nearly 40 years and done sod all, except try and get an IN/OUT EUref in 2011 with the help of Tory MPs, is going to smash the system and heal their wounds, spends the long hours of last night wondering if attempts to demolish deputy leader Tom Watson will help further democratise the Labour Party?”

And the timing of Momentum founder, Lansman’s, move against thought criminal Watson couldn’t be better.

“The eve of party conference? I mean, that’s some genius. Attempting to abolish the deputy leader by decree, when nearly 200,000 members voted for him, that’s genius that Cummings would be proud of. Especially as it comes days after the demolition of the student wing. Bloody Blairites. We’re onto them.”

Of course Boris Johnson will be pleased. As focus shifts to Labour he can record another dozen campaign videos without worrying what people think about his poisonous, duplicitous incompetence for a few days.

“It is actually a move for the many, not the few,” our correspondent adds, “right now defections to the Liberal Democrat’s from the old parties are even. But if Labour’s ruling clique can manage to drive away more MPs with cross party appeal, over to the Libdems, then balance can be guaranteed. And what’s best, Jeremy never has to actually shoulder the responsibility of government, but can just keep making noise from the security of irrelevance, which is exactly how he likes it.”

David Cameron reveals : The Pope is Catholic and something about Boris Johnson

2019 NO SHIT SHERLOCK AWARDS FINALIST : Britain’s greatest surviving Prime Minister, David “Hoodie” Cameron has broken his vow of silence today to treat the country to two key revelations.

“Well I was in my shed,” the man famous for understanding of detail and strategic vision said, “and I was wondering if I should do some revelations? Would it destabilise my shed to offer it an IN/OUT of the garden referendum? Probably not. And that led me to thinking about the Pope and another enduring question that appears to repeatedly puzzle the nation.”

The question is “Is the Pope Catholic?”

“People are always asking this question,” Mr Cameron continued, “and it can only be because no one has sufficiently answered it.”

But Mr Cameron believes he has cracked that nut.

“It’s to do with hats, a man’s religion, you just have to look at the hats,” Mr Cameron schooled the nation, “the bigger the hat the more popish someone is. So it’s blindingly obvious the Pope is Catholic. If only governing the country in the interests of the Tory party, and its various factions, was so simple! Ha!”

But it wasn’t just solving that ancient riddle that had kept Mr Cameron busy.

“I’ve also been thinking about Boris Johnson,” Mr Cameron paused meaninglessly, “he backed Brexit for his career. Not many people realise that. Most think he did it to provide additional weekly funding for the NHS. But that is wrong. I can tell you today. I’m certain.”

The revelation is sure to be welcomed and has caused a ripple to run through the nation. Also more questions, such as, why speak out now when the calamity is so intense? Why not before? Is it just because he’s trying to flog a book about a privileged man’s journey to failure, and wants some controversy? We may never know.

“I’m working on bears now,” Mr Cameron revealed breezily, “namely where they defecate. That’s another of life’s enduring questions.”

We’re certain, with Mr Cameron on the case, it’s another question that will soon be answered.

Boris Johnson confirms no plan to build a bridge from wherever he is to the truth

IF YOU BUILD IT HE STILL WON’T COME : FAMOUS PLANNER OF HEAVY INFRASTRUCTURE, Boris deCollapsil Johnson, has confirmed there is one project he has no intention of planning anytime soon.

Speaking directly to a captive audience of lobotomy subjects and bot factory social media accounts, the outgoing prime minister of the United Kingdom said he did want to construct something in his memory.

“But it won’t be a bridge to the truth,” he confirmed, before smirking, shrugging, ruffling his hair and pretending to do something with a tablet, “for a start I’d have to find out where I’m starting from. My guess is it is a long way from that particular destination. Raab is onto it, he’s going to work out where we are. But I wouldn’t hold your breath. The last time he looked at the compass he got brain freeze and stomped about with his hand pressed to his eye for several minutes.”

The assertion is a change for Mr Johnson though, long known as someone who is keen to pick up projects begun by other people and then claim the credit for the effort.

But just because the famous builder isn’t planning to lay the foundation stones for what would be the longest bridge ever constructed in the history of humankind, doesn’t mean that it won’t get built.

“The public inquiries into this sorry Brexit fiasco will make short work of the long distance build,” our Truth Will Out correspondent said, “the first step is to get the Brexiters out of power. After that we can start to hold them to account. The architects of this calamity will be called. Some of them may even be indicted. Some may even end up in prison. Who can say? I guess some will go into exile first. But the bridge will get built. And it will get built by the will of the people. If it doesn’t we’re all stuffed.”

And it’s certain, when the time comes, that one of the chief architects of the humiliating and shameful catastrophe engulfing the UK, will be asked to cut the ribbon.

“We may have to drag him out of whatever hole in the ground he’s hiding in at the time,” our correspondent adds, “or stop him playing dead in a ditch. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

Labour to campaign in GE for ref with “credible” leave option because a clear Brexit policy risks being in government

IN OUT SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT : Labour have taken a bold step forwards and then to the side, and then back to where they started today by deciding on a new Brexit policy that can be easily misrepresented across social media and by the government.

“We’re going to campaign for a referendum with a credible leave option in a general election, get office and then renegotiate Brexit with the EU before putting it back to the people and campaigning against it,” a Labour ‘source’ said, “anything else risks us actually getting into government.”

The decision to keep on with a Brexit position that attempts to appeal to the many and pleases few is clever indeed.

“It’s based on the assumption that no one is fed to the back teeth yet with Brexit and the many want many more years of it, before even getting a deal. I’m sure it will focus group well. So far of course we’ve only focused grouped Len McClusky, but he seems happy. It’s best also to decide our policy ahead of party conference, as that’s more democratic.”

The EU also will be certain to want to renegotiate the Brexit deal they offered to Theresa May, especially if Jeremy Corbyn is doing it.

“Just because Labour’s current Brexit red lines are completely nonsensical from a negotiating standpoint, such as being in a kind of customs union but not really, and also committed to leaving the single market, doesn’t mean the EU won’t want to sit around a table for more years talking about it. Because Jeremy Corbyn will be doing it.”

But critics of the great fence sit in have suggested that a multi-step policy just leaves Labour open to being torn to shreds in a general election.

“The Brexit party will grab a lot of their leavers in a GE,” a critic of the Labour policy said, “the Greens and Liberal Democrats, Plaid, Alliance and SNP will grab their centre, left of centre and fed up pro-EU, probably could have voted for Labour, but not with this policy, just right of centre Tory swingers, so it’s very difficult to see how Labour gets enough seats to form a government? In fact this fence policy potentially opens the door to another Tory government.”

But the Labour source hit back and said,

“F off and vote Tory then. Oh wait. That’s no longer our social media policy as for some reason it’s backfired. Look, we don’t want to be in government until the government has delivered us Brexit, which we’ll magically turn into Lexit, once the masses rise up and lift us into government. It’s all incredibly clever. Just you wait and see. Cummings isn’t the only master of four dimensional chess. We can play it too.”

Identity of Boris Johnson’s speech writer confirmed by 10 Downing Street leak

STUMPED SPEECH : The mystery of what the hell happened when Boris Johnson had the podium out last night has been solved by a Downing Street leak. And we’re not talking vegetables here, although that would be just as appropriate.

“Millions tuned in to BBC News last night at 6pm after Tory spokeswoman, Laura Kuenssberg, tweeted late yesterday afternoon that the prime minister would be making a surprise addition to the catalogue of British, political, orificiary oratory,” our imbedded Downing Street reporter says, “but from the moment the prime minister was late starting, people began to worry if this will be just as pointless and frustrating as former PM May’s speeches.”

And they were right to worry.

“Mr Johnson did eventually emerge. Reportedly after locking the entirety of Conservative MPs in a basement dungeon. He strode to the podium without tripping, much to his relief. Although personally I was disappointed.”

There was surprisingly little racism or xenophobia in the stump speech, which was at least different to his newspaper propaganda, but there wasn’t really any content at all.

“There’s suspicions it wasn’t the speech he intended to give,” our insider muses, “after his attempt to at first charm, then browbeat, then blackmail his MPs failed to bring enough onside. It’s a funny time when calling a GE is an actual threat? If they know privately they’ve made such a hash of looking after the country, many would lose their seats, than that’s precisely why they should call a GE.”

But for all the swagger it was essentially like listening to May attempting to make her Brexit strategy sound credible, when it was empty and self-defeating.

“At least he’s a continuity prime minister in that sense. He had nothing but to threaten to saw off his legs and send the amputated limbs express to Brussels. That’ll learn ‘em!”

The one silver lining is based on the presumption Theresa May herself was watching the bumbling, blonde charlatan at the podium, the strains of “Stop the Coup” almost drowning him out.

“Now she knows what it was like to put up with her ridiculous set pieces. So that’s something at least.”