Investigation into protestors who threw slavery statue into sea rules “they were just testing their eyes”

CROMWELL TO BE PLACED IN A FRIDGE FOR HIS OWN SAFETY : Good news today for people worried that throwing 17th Century slave traders into the sea is not British.

“Downing Street directed the Home Office to direct Dolittle and Touch to conduct a private investigation, worth £1bn, after the widely reported incident in Bristol on the weekend involving the statue of Edward Colston. That investigation has now concluded.”

During the incident anti-racism protestors removed the controversial statue of the 17th century slave trader, rolled him some distance, before dumping him into the harbour.

Get in the sea Colston!

There are now rumours that Nigel Farage has set up a gofundme to fund his personal retrieval of the statue from the sea floor, but those are yet to be confirmed.

“While there is some concern at the Home Office that Priti Patel may not be able to rule the UK with a jackboot, due to the rather curious decision of Tory governments of the last 10 years to drastically reduce police numbers, and that removing statues and turfing them into the surf is not on [if it’s slave traders, it is on], there is no scope for action towards those involved.”

However, the police chief in charge on the day won’t be getting a peerage.

“The inability to act comes after the protestors used what is now called in legal terms ‘The Cummings’ Defence’. Essentially they stated their aim was not damage to public property. Surprisingly it wasn’t even an anti-racism protest. They tore down the statue of the famous slave trader, who grew wealthy off the worst of human motivations and deeds, and threw him into the sea to….(wait for it)…test their eyes.”

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