The newest quarantine policy was announced so late on Saturday that the government had to bring in Charlie Lines, an aid frequently used during late night sittings, which explains more than a thing or two.
Subsequently, a spokesman issued a statement outside No 10 this morning.
“The government denies short-termism and insists the new measures, whatever they are, are fully in line with long term policy. The measures will also be extended to include the whole of Europe and run until December the 31st.”
The new measures have nothing to do with trade negotiations with the EU. Let us be clear.
Asked why the PM was not making the announcement, he offered a completely feasible explanation.
“The PM is an old friend of Charlie Lines and had spent most of the night talking in the upstairs flat. He will make a statement when he comes down later today. If you’re lucky he will have made a visual representation of the new policy out of empty wine crates.”
Asked why the year end date had been chosen, he was absolutely believable.
“After the Brexit extension period ends restrictions will not be needed, as there will be no air travel to Europe anyway. We really have thought of everything.”
He went on to say, “People need to realise how serious we are about anymore of British taxpayer’s money going to the EU. That money is needed at home. We have to look after ourselves first.”
Pressed on whether this was the end of European holidays for Brits he replied, “Of course not, we are planning massive extensions at Manchester and Belfast airports. Travellers will fly to Belfast, get the train to Dublin, from where they are able to fly to anywhere in the world. It’s all part of our Northern Powerhouse agenda and may also get the DUP back on side, in time for the next election”.
We contacted the transport secretary, Grant Shapps, who denied being affected by the measures, as he was in Spain to access childcare while taking an eye test.
He further explained, “I was contacted by the PM late on Friday and informed that Helen Whateley had been moved from Health to the Department of Transport. He also told me she had to accompany me on my annual visit to the Sotogrande Yacht Show. This is huge and lasts for six months, the measures will have eased by the time we get back. And if they haven’t, we will use the parliamentary instrument called ‘Dom’s Defence’.”
LCD View’s understands, that following a recent TV interview, the Prime Minister wanted to broaden Helen’s horizons by having her travel more and was pleased to be getting her out of the country so soon.
“He had to move her from Health,” a source added, “a 12-month stint investigating herd immunity on The Serengeti will benefit her, and the entire country. Any rumours that it will have to be cancelled as she can’t get her injections in time should be discounted. We are hiding the right ministers at the right time.”
Asked what Global Britons should say to Spanish people in particular at the moment, if they bring up the new quarantine measures in the context of relative CV-19 mortality rates, the spokesman advised,
“Say it’s not me, it’s you. Then leg it. Works for Boris every time.”