It’s time the Prime Minister brought the moustache back into fashion

British men and moustaches have a long historical association. The first prehistoric cave paintings discovered in England in the bold Victorian era of exploration are famous for featuring Bowler Hats, but most neglect to mention the brawny Olympian men depicted also sported moustaches.

Now Britain is in a new age of Global Expansion, as Europe and indeed the world, cry out for our leadership, it is time to revive the moustache.

Statements of virility are of course frowned upon in this quaking era of cancel culture. To all our detriment, not least the women who place their trust in us to keep them safe. To see them prosper. To guide with a steady hand the procreation of the future.

For most of the last year the warriors of woke have insisted masculine sports be banned. Men participating in the time honoured rituals of preparation for war on the sporting field have been forced to do so underground. Without Spectators. Some have been shamed. Many have been forced to shave.

This can not serve Global Britain well. This will not lead us onto the Sunlit Uplands Brexit will deliver.

What will serve the English colossus as it strides with one giant step across the fading European dystopia and into Asia Minor? The answer is the moustache.

Indeed no greater a British war time leader than Montgomery Deux-Burns is recorded as having said on the eve of Agincourt II – The Return to France – that “Englishmen will prevail on this blessed day because the Lord has bestowed on them a superior moustache”.

It’s not just the British knee that is firm. It is also the wiry, titanium like hair that grows naturally from a true born Englishman’s lip. Every scientific evaluation has found it to be superior to others.

I say now, now is the time to grow your moustache again. To see your wife’s knees quiver. To witness your mistresses’ eyes light up as she discards the demand for a virus test before the tryst.

And what better figure to lead the regrowth of British masculinity than the golden lion in 10 Downing Street?

Once the sire of legions has again grown a hairy lip the men of the kingdom will follow his example and Make Britain Great Again!

I can think of no more fitting a moustache for a strong man leader than the toothbrush” – Professor Phillimore Snogger III, (visiting) Berlin, 1936.

Raise the toothbrush prime minister! Raise it upon your lip! And set a Union Flag a flutter behind you as you do. For the winds of destiny are blowing and you are blowing hard too!

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