Rees-mogg introduces new voting system designed to socially distance MPs from parliamentary democracy

WE’RE AN ISLAND PEOPLE AND WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY HERE : LOCAL DEMOCRACY FOR LOCAL PEOPLE took a great leap forward yesterday after the successful trial run of a new voting system for UK MPs.

“It is rumoured that the new voting system, whereby MPs shuffle about like chumps for hours, was cooked up by Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson as a power play over parliament,” our Downing Street interpreter interprets, “is parliament sovereign? Not if we can make absolute tits of the lot of them. How about we throw 21st century technology in the skip, in the middle of a pandemic, and co-opt MPs into a scheme to actively disenfranchise hundreds of their colleagues?”

Quite the wheeze.

And a complete success.

“The new system is not designed to be permanent,” our interpreter continues, “it was more like an initiation ritual at a private school, wherein the new kids are made to embarrass themselves completely in front of everyone. It’s to show who has power, and who has not.”

Jacob Rees-mogg, the supposed architect of the long queue voting system, found himself laughed at as the public and press witnessed the charade play out.

“Who’s the bigger fool? The boy who insists you put a hot crumpet between your buttocks, or the one who puts a hot crumpet between their buttocks?”

A good question.

“If you want to delegitimise parliament in the eyes of the people, as you continue your slow grind to turn a representative parliamentary democracy into an elected dictatorship, you can’t do a lot better than to order MPs to humiliate themselves in public.”

And even as they participated in the ritual, numerous MPs tweeted how stupid it was, while being stupid enough to go along with it.

Although it wasn’t all bad. The smallest man currently in the House of Commons, in all senses, got to show just how small he was. Which was some small consolation. Have a smirk.

“Mogg survived having a nap on the green benches last year,” our correspondent continues, “he’s survived blaming Grenfell victims for their deaths. He’ll survive being laughed at over the new voting system. This is because he’s really laughing at you. All of you.”

The only thing that remains now is whether or not the UK’s politicians, people who are supposed to understand politics, will realise how completely, symbolically, publicly and easily they’ve all been played? How they actively participated in robbing hundreds of constituencies of representation.

“Bad things happen when good people do nothing,” our correspondent adds, “and yesterday good people did a bad thing. So really, we’re even further around the S bend then we thought. But what do you expect when a country’s elected representatives allow the entire nation to be reorientated based on the result of a criminally corrupted opinion poll, now years old. Funny kinda democracy you’ve got there.”

Now we just wait to see how many MPs test positive for CV-19. Maybe the executive will be forced, with a heavy heart, to send them all home, permanently. For their own safety, you understand.

“I for one would like our elected representatives to be a bit more clued up to how they’re being played. And to remember the power they possess, before they’re robbed of it. In broad daylight. With their own active participation. And the next time Cummings decides to hold you all in contempt, maybe don’t go along with it?”

And now, to end, here’s a link to a video of a government minister who does his job well, with intelligence and public interest foremost. Spoiler alert, he’s not elected to the mother of parliaments, but he is refreshing to view. An example of where we should look to get back to.

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