Jacob Rees-mogg says Covid-19 tests should be limited to “middle aged men who still need nanny”

THE ANCIENT DANCE OF THE MEAT PUPPET : Britain’s foremost intellectual, and winner of the coveted “Most Use of Google Translate – English Phrases to Latin 2019”, Jacob Rees-mogg, has intervened to bring some old fashioned values to the furore over Covid-19 test availability.

Fluctus calicem tea,” Mr Rees-mogg told a sleepy House of Commons chamber yesterday afternoon.

The decision to set a floor and ceiling on the issue by the inheritance millionaire, who presumably had no such trouble getting CV-19 tests, due to all the hard work he put into the accident of his birth, will soothe many a furrowed brow.

But just in case some serfs are vix auditus, Mr Rees-mogg moved to bring crystal clarity to the subject, in line with his famous interventions in the Grenfell fire disaster, and the uplifting nature of food banks (a direct result of uplifting Tory policies).

“We can’t have every soul, regardless of how able bodied they are, rushing away from tilling the soil of their lord’s manor to find out if their worthless flesh needs preservation,” the embodiment of Christian values reminded the nation’s toilers.

“With that in mind, it is of course urgent to ensure that those who the cap is doffed to are not inconvenienced by difficulty in testing. It is clear we need to ration the tests available to those who are inherently more valuable.”

Happily Mr Rees-mogg was ready with a simple criteria that could immediately be put in place.

“Only those middle aged men who still need nanny should be allocated a Covid-19 test. Or in the words of the Saviour himself, screw pauperis.”

And all the angels in Mogg’s idea of heaven did sing A-men. Because such a man is singular in nature. Gratias Deo.

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