DIVINE INTERVENTION : Renowned lost lamb of God, and serial voter against feeding hungry children, Jacob Rees-mogg, has had his prayers answered by receiving a personal message from Jesus.
The message is reported to have been delivered personally by the Saviour and has been labelled as such a ‘Saviourgram’.
Jesus is said to have had “a gut full of the hypocrisy” of powerful public figures who preach his message while “routinely and instinctively” behaving in the exact opposite fashion.
It’s hard to think of a public figure of self-professed faith more deserving of a visitation, although clearly the Prime Minister should also come into the frame.
It’s not known how Jesus intends to spend the rest of his day, although rumours suggest he’s going to a backyard birthday party carrying only a big bottle of water and a paddling pool.
“It’s likely he will visit other Tory MPs though,” our Divine Intervention Correspondent suggests. “After he’s told Rees-mogg to fuck off.”
There is certainly plenty of work for him to do if he’s minded, what with the hostile environment of the Boris Johnson government towards anyone not a party donor.
“It’s believed Matt Hancock is attempting to track him down in the hope of gifting him a PPE contract. But we suspect Jesus is as keen on people attempting to buy indulgences as he is on Priti Patel’s policy towards desperate refugees.”
Ms Patel is of course the one reason the risen Lord is only expected to stay in the United Kingdom for today only.
“There’s no question about it,” our correspondent confirms. “If the Home Office’s Clandestine Channel Threat Commander gets hold of Jesus the Home Secretary will have him deported before anyone has had a chance to have another cross constructed.”