THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL : GREAT NEWS TODAY for lovers of unflushed turds with the announcement that pretend Prime Minister, Boris ‘fark’ Johnson, has awarded his demonic handler, Dominic Cummings, an award for his services to public health.
“The award recognises the reduction in demand in the social care sector particularly,” a source reveals, “while maintaining capacity. Something the NHS proved incapable of, as they’ve been pushing in the wrong direction this whole time. It also recognises the usefulness in public health messaging of a high ranking and completely unaccountable member of the elite making a pig’s ear of clear instructions. Instructions intended to protect yourself, and people you don’t know. What sort of inherently, genetically inferior individual thinks about the welfare of people they don’t know? How does that help excellence rise to the top of the tree of life? How does that help achieve herd immunity?”
The award will be handed over to Mr Cummings by his servant Mr Johnson later this afternoon. The ceremony will replace the standard Tory Party political broadcast at 5pm.
“The Barnard Castle Award for Services to Public Health is world beating,” the source continues, “and it was exceptionally tough to choose the first recipient. We had to consider very carefully whose mind was most accountable for the UK topping the global tables with Covid-19.”
It’s expected Mr Cummings will take the actual award on a road trip. A kind of royal procession up and down the motorways.
“It’s part of levelling up,” the source says, “he can reasonably be argued to have helped level up CV-19 infection rates between London and the North, now he can level up people’s appreciation of his plague endeavours by letting all the little people see the physical trophy. They can even touch it, if they’re lucky.”
As to the trophy itself, it is in the shape of Barnard Castle and was, inevitably, made by global joke Boris Johnson himself out of empty wine crates.