WHO NEEDS TRADE : “Recent unpatriotic reports in some treasonous publications appear to be causing minor alarm amongst the right thinking people of Global Britain. This will be dealt with swiftly and decisively”, so begins the latest directions emanating from 10 Downing Street, as famous liberal Boris Johnson goes from strength to strength establishing an autocracy.
The concern in particular appears to be that some so called journalists have attempted to highlight a minor dip in trade, which is all the result of the pandemic and nothing to do with Brexit.
“As Brexit only increases the sovereignty of the United Kingdom, therefore it follows that the rumoured decrease in exports of UK goods and services to the failing continental mainland is the result of the pandemic” the missive continues. “Ensure all sock puppets and media stooges report this correctly. The beatings will continue until trade improves.”
Whether or not the fact that 10 Downing Street chose to bungle its response to the pandemic, and thus inflicted the greater than necessary damage to UK trade as a result, is not discussed.
“If bad actors continue to point out that exports have dropped off a cliff because of the choices of the government we will have no recourse but to close down all media except the state broadcasting service,” the order goes on. No surprise there.
“Up and until that point please explain to any persistent naysayers and gloomsters that the drop in UK exports is because we no longer export our sovereignty to Europe. We keep it all at home we’re no one can do anything with it.”
Message ends. Enjoy the spring patriots. May I suggest you plan some turnips.