LOOKING AFTER ARE OWN : A LEAKED WHITEHALL MEMO IS IN THE NEWS TODAY, as they are so often.
The subject of today’s memo is forecasting for the overseas aid spending in 2021, and even with the cut announced this week from 0.7 of the national budget to 0.5, there’s still some surprising winners.
“The memo discusses the need to look after are own,” our Westminster correspondent reports, “and the needy are very close to home.”
But it’s not hungry school children or public sector workers surviving on the breadline who are the focus.
“The main concern seems to be the likelihood of a unilateral declaration of independence by the newly created Kingdom of Kent. It’s believed a right Cnut, already a prominent local figure, will rise to lead the new nation and take it away from the rest of England.
“The aid spend will be aimed to offset the worst case scenario of Kent seeking to join France, once it is completely fed up with lorry queues so big they’re seen from space, and of course the overflowing portaloos that will make large swathes of Kent uninhabitable, once flooding spreads the trucker shit across the lowlands.”
How the aid money will be spent specifically isn’t discussed, but the implication is it will be used to “support” Tory MPs in resisting the push for independence.
“The first crisis will come once the Kent Access Permits come into force on January 1st. There’s likely to be large scale revolt at the sudden erection of a border in England. And this will lead to a psychological shift. Although it’s not all bad news if secession occurs. It’s understood Priti Patel is likely to return permanently to her stronghold in Essex and wage a war to seize the crown of the new Kingdom across the border, with her banner of the flayed man flying high above her semi-detached home and the screams of the captured echoing forever through the halls of her fortress. This will free up Boris Johnson to appoint a new Home Secretary that better reflects his obvious liberal tendencies.”