NO SARDINE IS BETTER THAN A BAD SARDINE: A government rebellion is under weigh. Cabinet heavyweight Larry the Cat is spitting furballs over Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal.
Fish is the issue. Specifically, fresh fish six times a day. Proper British Fish, and not that continental rubbish.
“I can’t let this pass,” purred Larry. “I need my fish. It’s been a long running campaign. I have been jumping on Boris’ bladder at three in the morning every night for months now, just to remind him of how important this is.”
Larry stretched himself luxuriously, and rubbed himself up against the facsimile of the Venus de Milo, that Wilfred had created all by himself. The statue fell over and the arms broke off. Larry curled up, unconcerned.
“I even got Dilyn involved,” Larry remarked. “As long as you throw him enough sticks, he’ll agree to anything. Same with most Tory MPs to be honest.”
It looks like the bill will pass, though. The ERG have agreed that it is Sovereignty compliant.
“Sovereignty compliant?” growled Larry. “What the hell does that even mean? As far as I am concerned they are a disappointment. The other parliamentary pets engaged in a guerrilla campaign to change their minds. Every night, one of them would poo in Bernard Jenkin’s shoe. The message could not have been clearer!”
He paused to lick his bottom.
“You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get through their thick skulls,” he mewed. “I have personally yowled outside Boris’ bedroom door every morning at 5am, while Dilyn has been shredding every cushion he can find.”
But Larry’s campaigning has been in vain.
“He promised me fish,” said Larry. “But all I get is Lidl own brand stuff out of a tin. He promises everything but delivers very little. I’ve had to resort to catching pigeons!”
Larry is demanding that his fresh fish clause is inserted. The claws are out. And if Johnson retracts the clause, Larry has vowed not to retract his claws.