Last remaining pound of UK taxpayer money placed under armed guard before a Tory steals it

QUIDS IN : Comforting news for Global Britons looking at 2021 with a wary eye on the public finances today with the confirmation that the last remaining pound has been placed under armed guard.

“Shortly before 5am this morning specially trained officers arrived to take the last pound of taxpayer cash into protective custody,” our economics correspondent reports, “securing the squid in an air tight, titanium box secured with biogenic locks that have to be operated in unison by both guards simultaneously. The last pound has been moved to a secure location where it is hoped that, in time, it will reproduce parthenogenetically.”

The motivation for the move is thought to have come from the wide scale raid on the public finances, under the cover of Covid-19, finally, at last, Jesus wept, my brain hurts, getting broad media coverage.

“Our officers will guard the last remaining pound of UK public money until such time as we deem it is safe to return it to the wild,” a spokesman for the security detail told a press conference, “it’s highly likely if it is sighted by any member of the Conservative parliamentary party that it will find itself cut to shreds and distributed throughout an old boys style network of currency traffickers. We must not let this happen. MPs will need another payrise next year. And with the expected hit to the public purse from both a mismanaged pandemic, and the insanity of Brexit, this pound will become only more precious.”

But a source inside the government simply shrugged and said, “We know where the magic money tree is when we want to find it. Have you set up a company last week and stuck five pounds in it? You could be entitled to a PPE contract.”

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