Latest Whitehall merger: Piss Up In A Brewery merges with Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo

ECONOMIES OF SCALE: In a blatant move to achieve greater efficiency, two government departments have merged. This will allow the core business of embezzling public funds to happen more smoothly.

The Department of Organising Piss Ups In A Brewery will combine forces with the Department of Hitting A Cow’s Arse With A Banjo. The total failure of both is being hailed as a great success for democracy, as world beating sums of money have been wasted by both. The merger aims to waste money even more effectively.

The new department will be named the Department of Spreading Nonsense About Foreign Unions, or SNAFU for short. And there is an oven ready chief of SNAFU: none other than the great Chris Grayling.

Doesn’t the remit of the new department overlap with the existing white elephant in the room, the Brexit department? LCD Views talked to Whitehall analyst Jack Schytte. 

“You can’t apply normal logic to this government,” argues Schytte. “Words cease to have their normal meanings. Efficiency, for example, doesn’t mean efficiency. Instead it means introducing a layer of inefficiency,, laden with dead cats, to obscure the true objectives.”

Doesn’t Brexit mean Brexit, though?

“Well, yes and no,” said Schytte. “Obviously yes, it’s a tautology. Then again, no, because it’s a concept that was never properly defined. Ask anybody what it means. Ask the hardline Ultras, ask the moderates, ask a remainer, ask Dominic Cummings. You won’t get a consistent answer. You are more likely to get some idea of what Brexit doesn’t mean, and some irrational rantings and ravings about fish.”

In other words, Brexit both does and doesn’t mean Brexit?

“Exactly,” said Schytte with some exasperation. “This is why it is a disaster. Even a successful Brexit would be a failure, and an unsuccessful Brexit would be a victory. Whichever mast a government nails its colours to will be the wrong one. This is why Chris Grayling is so important. Everyone knows he’s a walking failure, so by failing he will, by his own parameters, be a success.”

Indeed, the entire government is rebranding. It will now be known as Fundamentally Useless, Brexit And Run, or FUBAR for short.

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