Little man with massive flagpole “not compensating for anything”

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU’VE GOT, IT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT: Tory ministers have come under fire for displaying enormous flags. Psychologists are wondering if there might be a corresponding deficiency in other areas of their lives.

“Honest Bob” Jenrick is only the latest casualty. Experts are concerned about his mental health and possible erectile dysfunction after his latest round of flag fetishism extended to displaying a portrait of the Queen.

“The classic response from a man who feels, shall we say, a little inadequate, is to compensate in other ways,” explained leading shrink Dr Luna Tix. “It often happens in middle age. A man, realising that his libido is on the wane, will obtain a motorbike, a sports car, mistresses. He will act like he’s the alpha-est alpha male in the vicinity. He will surround himself with phallic symbols.”

He acts hard, because he’s not getting hard?

“Precisely,” confirmed Dr Tix. “An oversized, erect flagpole signals that even a double dose of Viagra no longer does the business. These inadequate men are screwing the country because they are unable to screw anything else.”

This crude but effective analysis has been challenged by prominent ministers, protesting their lack of perceived virility too much.

“Patriotism is measured by the flag,” protested Jingoism Minister John Bull, resplendent in Union Jack suit, waistcoat and tie. “The more flags the better, and the bigger the flagpole the better. It’s simple. It’s nothing to do with inadequacy, or the fact that my wife is happier with separate beds these days.”

So you aren’t compensating for anything?

“Of course not,” said Bull, pulling another couple of flags into position behind him. “That’s better, I can feel a real swelling of, erm, pride coming on now. It’s just that I’m overwhelmed with work right now!” He pulled on a simply massive Union Jack hat and sighed with joy.

It’s funny, really. But you mustn’t laugh, in case you make these little men feel even more inadequate, and feel obliged to send you an ironically stiff letter signed by all their little friends.

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