MAKING A PIG’S EAR OF THINGS: We are opening up new pork markets in Global Britain, announced Trade Supremo Liz Truss today. British Farmers are producing British Pork, so therefore British People are bloody well going to eat it.
British Pork is going to waste, she reports, after normal shipments to the EU have been stymied by a plethora of paperwork. The solution is simple, declared Mastermind Liz. The UK shall go the whole hog and buy the lot.
“We happy Brits are going to pig out!” exclaimed Truss, wagging her curly tail happily. “We are bringing home the bacon! It is the patriotic duty of every loyal British Citizen to buy and eat British Pork! Get your snouts in the trough, and eat for Britain!”
The news was particularly well received by vegetarians, and other people who do not eat pork.
“This. Is. A. Dis. Grace!” spluttered vegetarian Meetal Ternative. “I’m not changing my ways just because that ridiculous old ham says so!”
Unfortunately, the porky Prime Ministerial pork sword pusher, Boris Johnson, thinks that compulsory pork consumption is an excellent idea.
“This is one in the eye for those pigheaded EU swine!” he quipped. “We are bringing home the bacon! – what what? Oh, you’ve already done that one? Ah. Erm. Splendid, splendid, good work, wiff waff, erm, yes, well, erm, excellent!”
The government will, grudgingly, pay almost market rate for the pork. Except if the farmer is a Tory donor, in which case it will spaff untold millions on a single joint of mass-produced gammon.
It will be made obligatory for every Brit to eat pork at every meal. They will gladly pay through the snout for the privilege. Bacon for breakfast, chops for lunch, gammon for dinner, pork scratchings with your evening pint once the pubs have reopened.
Have we been sold a pig in a poke? Or is this just another load of porkies?