HE’S A FIRESTARTER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON NEVER SEEMS TO TAKE A YEAR OFF and his restless attitude to government is no more obvious than in his visionary policy proposals for big infrastructure.
His latest proposal will do nothing to diminish his reputation for grand designs, regardless of what is missing in the detail.
“He’ll light the fuse himself,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “or maybe put it out to tender. People can bid to do it. Then we can award the contract to blow up London Bridge to a party donor.”
Bid to do what exactly? Come again?
“Blow up London Bridge of course,” the source replied, “then we can rebuild it. Bigger. Better. And with less red tape. Right now you can hardly move across the bloody structure for all the overweening EU red tape about what parts of the bridge are pedestrian, which are for motorised traffic. How strong the foundations need to be. Whether it should be able to stand up in a tidal river or not. Ghastly. Costs us millions per week that could be better spent on peerages.”
But the current London Bridge was built before the U.K. joined the common market.
“See! Just proves how many and busy are the EU’s tentacles.”
So the plan to blow up and rebuild the bridge is to show the EU who is boss?
“Oh, they know that already. Some Russian chap. Just became a Lord. No. The plan to demolish the famous bridge comes from Mr Johnson’s hands on approach to fatherhood.“
“Dom has been singing nursery rhymes to him to help him get to sleep. Also so Boris learns them himself. It’s for a photo shoot that will appear in the Telegraph on the new national holiday – Boris Day – this will be a celebration focused on fatherhood. Everyone is Boris’s child, or girlfriend, or ex-mistress, or wife, or bro now. The whole country. Perhaps the entire continent.”
And it seems ‘London Bridge is Falling Down’ is a firm favourite.
“It’s an inspirational old song, especially if you’ve friends in the construction industry. Oh, and the cost of the entire project will be self-financing, as we’ll be selling off the rubble as souvenirs. Testaments to Johnson’s premiership.”
He really has thought this through.
“He wants to get Britain building again,” the source confirmed, “which is why he’s so keen on demolishing it.”